childhood abuse coming back to haunt me (warning, may trigger)

[unwantedattention]

I've namechanged. I suffered sexual and emotional abuse as a child at the hands of my step"father" and mother. For eight years. My much older brother (who had left home) did nothing, though he knew something was up.
I moved away and after trying to heal myself while not rocking the boat, this ate me up and I ultimately could not manage to have contact (one family meal would result in several weeks of nonstop crying) so I stopped contact. By this time my stepfather had died, but having contact with my mother was too much to handle (she was very active in the emotional and sexual abuse). I also stopped contact with brother because he would definitely be used to coerce me into contact and make me tow the line.
So, over the last 8 years I've had no contact. I feel much better, though frequent sleepless nights of guilt and anger, quite a lot of self-hatred. I have DCs of my own with a supportive DH who knows everything. Becoming estranged has done me more good than any kind of therapy.
But ... it hasn't stopped my mother trying to contact me, enlisting brother to contact me and also aunts and uncles who have absolutely no idea the damage they are doing. So far I've just been returning post and blocking emails (my work cleverly published my email address a year back!). I feel as if I've been under siege for years. Now out of the blue I hear that my mother has been in touch with MY WORK! She's sent a letter to my boss, essentially infantilising me. The boss has basically said she's mad, but I am really embarrassed and my boss can't "unsee" what she's written. That was earlier today and I've been shaking ever since.
What can I do? I have a supportive and patient DH but he is having trouble understanding how hunted I feel. I feel bad that I've never reported what happened to the police. I am thinking of breaking my 8 year silence and just saying that if further attempts are made to contact me then legal repercussions will follow. Or should I go to the police. Could I get an injunction for this? Could police issue some kind of warning?
Sorry this is long, I'm an absolute mess and have to be up in 2 hours ... What could I do?

so sorry for what youre going through NOBODY deserves this, stay safe x

i just wanted to say i am in a very similar position to you, (thread on here about it)

i also cut contact, but for 12 years now.

recently i attempted some contact with my brother, (ex heroin addict with big issues...) and that in turn led to a similar thing happening from my mother - she contacted me through facebook.

i fell to pieces, absolutely.

but i did not respond, i started counselling, and after 6 months of tentative contact with my brother, it dawned on me that they came as a pair because he could not respect my wishes.

i took him off facebook, and he sent an abusive text which has ended any relationship.

so be it.

in your position, i would not, i dont think, justify your self to anyone by sending that letter.
I worked out that i felt powerless and worthless when i lost control of the situation. I feel so much better again now it has at least reached some kind of conclusion, and normal service has been resumed (ie - no contact at all)

I have half expected my brother to do the same and get in touch with my employers, im still giving to some though to that one...not sure whether it will make me look like some kind of mentalist if i mention it to my boss or not....

i got some fantastic advice on my thread, from people who could see it from the "outside" and maintain some perspective, because i felt like i lost perspective entirely for a while back there....it throws your entire safe world back into turmoil.
(i too have kids, a stable marriage, job, all normal, and i have to protect that,)

If you want to warn your mother off pulling a stunt like that again i would have a solicitor send a letter.

if she continues to harass you then there are other things you can do.

My SF is dead. I do not want any contact at all with what remains of that family. I completely know where you are coming from.

btw - im in the police,

you could stop her harassing you, if you choose to report her to the police. To constitute harassment, she would have needed to embark on a course of conduct - we usually take this to mean 2 instances of unwanted attention within a 6 month period.

it depends how far you want to take it. I personally, because of my job, wouldnt. i would go down a civil route first i think, purely for my own privacy at work.

OP have no experience of the sort of situation you are in but wanted to add my support.

If you are still feeling uncomfortable about the letter to your boss,and who wouldn't, then maybe could you ask to have a chat with him?

Nothing too heavy, just say that it blindsided you initially, as you have no contact with your mother due to a difficult past history (no need for details) & that you'd appreciate his backing in not fuelling her need for control over your life by ignoring her.

If you both felt it helpful he could respond in heavy handed official-ese taking the "we operate a confidentiality policy with all our employees and will not enter into any further discussion" line.

He may well have already done that, or you could choose to ignore it.

Such a horrible situation for you, but talk over your options with the police if you felt able, they can't do anything without your permission but it might help you feel in control if you know your options. I think a generic letter to the family might also help if you want to make it clear they aren't to help your mother in contacting you. (unwittingly they are trying to "help" I'm sure)

Horrible horrible experience. Is she likely to respond to legal threats or is she completely out of her mind? I ask because I would have thought that writing lies to your boss was libellous. I think you actually have more power than you realise. You have a supportive husband, a reasonable boss and the ability to see her for what she is. You've escaped her and you're not going back. Good luck with whatever you do.

thank you mycherubs. The emotions have settled a little bit but just feel exhausted and very, very down now. Luckily I think I am almost all cried out. Also lots of thoughts keep rushing through my head which is making sleep very hard.

VicarInaTutu, thank you it is good to hear your story but I am very sorry to hear about your unpleasant blast from the past: I hope you feel completely better about it soon. I think that it's very hard to just restrict contact with just one member of a family - as much as I love some cousins etc I know (and have already experienced) them getting in touch on her behalf, and now she will have had many years to poison their opinion of me. Also I expect they don't understand the harm they cause, as they just think they're being peacemakers, where peace is the last thing that should reign.

With respect to harassment I think my mother may have already fulfilled the two instances of contact in a six month period, at least in the past when I first asked not to be contacted (and she knew my old address, the letters kept coming thick and fast for two years and she even left messages for ex-boyfriends of mine and tried to track down friends I'd mentioned). I have kept all of those letters (most unopened as it was too much).

I am currently in a quandary about whether writing a letter to the family would help me: I doubt it would, in the sense that I risk either "reducing" a long time of abuse and lots of weird stuff (and instances of me trying to reach out to relatives for help as a child and being ignored) or opening up room for debate about what happened. And there can't be any kind of debate on this, but at the same time I have never held them to account (that wouldn't end well I expect). I think that perhaps something else such as a solicitors letter or the police warning her off, could be better in that it would show that this indiscriminate intrusion (and I worry about a relative just turning up!) can't keep happening. It would also take my valid reasons as a given (keeping in mind that mother and the rest of the family are probably deluding themselves as to why i have cut contact rather than thinking "oh yes we did all that stuff to her, of course she's finally seen sense"). Perhaps I need to show my teeth at them and growl a bit.

I can imagine that you wouldn't want to get the police involved as it's rather like involving your place of work (which unfortunately I relate to at the moment). As I've never had the abuse "recognised" perhaps involving the police would be most effective? It feels as if my hand has been forced now and the limbo I've been in since cutting contact needs to be resolved, though perhaps documenting the issues of abuse in a letter to family would just feel like a further violation? And those concerned would surely remember what they did. And relatives who must have known something was up and never asked me if I was OK or took me to one side and asked me to be a good little girl for my mother? Well perhaps they just don't deserve to know my history.

At the moment I desperately need to take some power back and I am not sure how yet.

I've avoided going on networks like LinkedIn or facebook because of the risks, though it means I've isolated myself from friends who've moved abroad etc , I was sort of expected to join LinkedIn at work but didn't etc. I even opted not to be on the electoral register. If I could just make the family back off I could perhaps live a more open life. Looking back, it's as if I put myself into witness protection!

I still remember the day I decided to cut contact, it was as if I had no other choice. I always thought I would die if anything happened to my mother, but suddenly my life was more important than that. I felt a mix of elation and terror and a kind of wave of pure anger. I think I need to get in touch with that anger now!

sorry for massive post: too many thoughts all rushing about

sorry I cross-posted bossybritches and nkf.
Bossybritches yes I am sure the family think they are helping (which makes me feel quite bitter as I could have done with some help in the past!) but it also feels as if they try to bring me back "on message". I might talk to my boss but it's difficult to know what to say. I think the police is a good idea: had never considered it realistically until this thread.
nkf, thanks for seeing me as powerful, at the moment I feel about 7 years old. Just when I think I've realised how damaged I am, I seem to find new depths to my messed-up-ness. I fear that part of my problem has been trying to deal with my mother as a rational adult when in fact she has no impulse control and I doubt she has the ability to ever 'fess up or engage in a real conversation about it all. I expect that the letter is libellous.

I think the worst of all this is that the day I stopped contact with the whole family it was as if I had a massive bereavement, but couldn't really explain it to the world at large. Friends and colleagues had bad love affairs etc and would lean on me for support, while all the time I was going through a massive feeling of bereavement and also feeling "who am I now that I no longer have contact with them", as if I wasn't quite sure who I was (vicarinatutu I related to your kinds of emotions in that thread as well).

Really not sure what a happy ending is going to be in this situation!

sorry should have read "vicarinatutu I related to the kinds of emotions you speak about in your recent thread as well"

hey, dont apologise - i used my thread as on line therapy. it helped massively.

when my mother popped up, she was brazen as anything, no sorry, no nothing other than a bright breezy message.
i realised, that she will never be held to account, she will never admit her part, and so what if she did really - what changes? could i forgive? no. i couldnt.

so i simply ignored her. and went to counselling to deal with the feelings that it threw up for me (im still dealing and still in counselling)

for me, i didnt want to report their crimes, although i remember going through a similar thing a few years ago, wondering what would happen if i did - but i didnt want to dredge it all up. Karma took care of my SF.

i just want to get on with my life without them (mother/brother) in it, because its happier, calmer, better without them in it. i moved on. i dont need to be dragged backward.
its a very personal decision.
feel free to pm me, though, and if i have anything useful to add to your thread, i will.

thank you VicarInaTutu, I think that actually going to court would only give them the drama they long for, and frankly I relive it all on a daily basis, so having the gorey details broadcast wouldn't necessarily help me and I think they've had enough of my life already.
But doing something official and having it logged and taken seriously would possibly be a good exercise in reclaiming power, as I am still in the feeling guilty about exposure/feeling guilty at stopping contact phase, so I am a bit stuck, and the massive fear I am feeling since she popped up this week indicates that I'm still stuck in powerless-victim-child mode. I need to get some counselling so hope to find a way to get that. Ignoring my mother for so long will have made her get very angry, so at least I'm not seeing the caring side.
I may take you up on the PM offer, thank you.

i know what you mean - at first when i got in touch with brother he said my mother was angry with me, and where i did think WTF and where does she get off being angry with ME it made it easier to think bollocks to it than when she sent me a nice, breezy message claiming to be proud of me and love me....
i think thats why i fell to bits.
because thats what i want.
but i know she isnt capable of it in reality, and i also know from the little contact i had with brother that she hasnt changed at all, even though she claimed she had.

for me, pay back is getting on with my life, being successful, loving my kids, having a decent life now, they couldnt take that away from me, and i also realised they only have any power over me IF i let them. that was a huge revelation for me, as were the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness that my childhood left me with, im working on those though, i wobble frequently, but at least i understand myself more though the counselling.

yes, do feel free to pm any time,
take care for now, best go spend some time with Dh and kids....but ill be back.