childhood abuse coming back to haunt me (warning, may trigger)

[unwantedattention]

I've namechanged. I suffered sexual and emotional abuse as a child at the hands of my step"father" and mother. For eight years. My much older brother (who had left home) did nothing, though he knew something was up.
I moved away and after trying to heal myself while not rocking the boat, this ate me up and I ultimately could not manage to have contact (one family meal would result in several weeks of nonstop crying) so I stopped contact. By this time my stepfather had died, but having contact with my mother was too much to handle (she was very active in the emotional and sexual abuse). I also stopped contact with brother because he would definitely be used to coerce me into contact and make me tow the line.
So, over the last 8 years I've had no contact. I feel much better, though frequent sleepless nights of guilt and anger, quite a lot of self-hatred. I have DCs of my own with a supportive DH who knows everything. Becoming estranged has done me more good than any kind of therapy.
But ... it hasn't stopped my mother trying to contact me, enlisting brother to contact me and also aunts and uncles who have absolutely no idea the damage they are doing. So far I've just been returning post and blocking emails (my work cleverly published my email address a year back!). I feel as if I've been under siege for years. Now out of the blue I hear that my mother has been in touch with MY WORK! She's sent a letter to my boss, essentially infantilising me. The boss has basically said she's mad, but I am really embarrassed and my boss can't "unsee" what she's written. That was earlier today and I've been shaking ever since.
What can I do? I have a supportive and patient DH but he is having trouble understanding how hunted I feel. I feel bad that I've never reported what happened to the police. I am thinking of breaking my 8 year silence and just saying that if further attempts are made to contact me then legal repercussions will follow. Or should I go to the police. Could I get an injunction for this? Could police issue some kind of warning?
Sorry this is long, I'm an absolute mess and have to be up in 2 hours ... What could I do?

You have done so well to have a good relationship with your DH after such a horrible childhood. He knows you best, what does he think you should do? I know you say he doesn't understand how hunted you feel, but please talk to him again, show him your post, and come up with a plan together. Other than that, are there charities or other organisations with experience of this sort of thing that could advise you? Sorry, no experience myself, maybe someone else is up who knows?

I can only imagine how much of an intrusion this must be! I would say get the police involved, somebody else will come along and let you know the process if that's what you want. Would it be possible for your boss, as the recipient of the letter, to respond and request no further contact?

Have you ever confronted your mother about her involvement in your abuse? What do you think she wants from you?

I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

thanks, am amazed anyone else is up. I've opted to cry rather than sleep tonight, so I'm still here. Writing it all out made me feel that things are destined to be fucked up forever.

I've never confronted my mother because it all seemed too difficult to put into words and knew it would just result in arguments, and she always was presented as terribly damaged and fragile (hence, I should "shut up and take it" and be uber-loyal) since my father abandoned her. So i've been programmed to not rock the boat. When I cut contact I'd tried to write a letter many times but it was impossible for me to verbalise it (how do you reduce a solid 8 years of hell and zero childhood to a letter), and frankly she was there and knew what happened. Basically she's managed to continue to bully me and get away with it right up until now hasn't she?

If I go to the police it might look as if I'm bullying a little old lady? Interestingly I think I am (as ever) worried about being doubted or being thought of as crazy. I am so stupid never to have reported this. I just cut contact without explanation (it's not as if she couldn't guess) as that felt the best way to get my power back, rather than allowing her anyway to dispute what happened.
I've also been careful not to allow this to affect my DCs (I'm a cliche of overprotectiveness) and didn't want it to escalate into a slanging match in which my experiences are in any way undermined. DH is very supportive but I think he's surprised how hard this latest has hit me (my pulse has been ridiculously high since the letter incident this morning).

I am not sure who I should contact about all this so am very happy for any input. I think I need counselling but am not sure where to turn for that. Right now I am dreading work in the morning and wish I could just never go back there (it feels very sullied).

I'm in Sydney so it's Wednesday afternoon for me! I'd like to offer you a cuppa.

I see what you are saying about never confronting her so that way she can't deny anything - after all, you know what happened and she must know too.

Did your boss show you the letter? Of course you feel hunted - it's stalking isn't it? You've made it clear to your family that you don't want anything to do with them but they are hounding you. Maybe somebody can advise what to do to get something in place legally so that they can't keep on doing it.

Oh and in terms of what she wants from me, I get the impression that for many years (since the physical abuse stopped) she has been playing a complicated game of dare, she always undermined me (perhaps to keep me quiet) and relied on the fact that I loved her to manipulate me. She is very keen on keeping up appearances and also being controlling, so I suspect that she does in fact love me in some fucked up way and she wants to show the rest of the extended family that everything is fine. Who knows? She may just be spoiling for a fight. I just wish I didn't share any genes with her.

sorry toomanycuppas, crossposted. I'm drinking some futile camomile tea, though may have to revert to highly caffeinated drinks as the night turns to morning.
Yes I've seen the letter, apparently I must be mentally ill (nope, I've been assured by professionals that i'm quite sane considering the circumstances, though i do have ptsd, can't imagine why!) and they're all very concerned about me, at the same time I am apparently incompetent and stupid, and also making my family "sick with worry". All things you'd like your boss to be told. So basically mad bad and stupid.

But she can't be keeping up appearances if you've had no contact for 8 years! She is a nutter. I hope you manage to keep away from them all.

Too bad she/they know where you work. Unbelievably intrusive to send a letter to your boss. Hopefully your boss knows you are competent at your work and that's all that should matter in employer/employee relationship. I'm not sure if it would be better for the boss to respond to the letter or ignore it.

Got to go now but hope somebody can offer practical advice and local services to help you through this.

I know she's a nutter. I expect that it will have been marketed to the broader family as me being the bad one, with everyone rallying around her, while she's being tragic. She will certainly have capitalised on this. They'll meet my DCs over my dead body, so there's no way they're coming anywhere near me.

Thanks toomanycuppas, I'm going to see if I can fall asleep briefly. DH keeps getting up to check on me. xx

Hi. My heart goes out to you. How DARE she harrass you after all she put you through

A large part of abuse is about power and control, and she is continuing to make you feel like that powerless child in her attempts to reconnect. God knows what her motives are, maybe she wants to rewrite history and play doting granny in her twilight years

What to do?
Agree with your boss that she's nuts, and ask that he returns/destroys any further communications from her.

Would you be willing to let DH write to her if it's too much for you? (he sounds fab btw)
Just a brief note/email stating that you do not ever want further contact and that if she persists you will be forced to take legal action over her past abuse.

Although going to the police with your story may empower you, (and believe me they will take you seriously) it is not a weakness on your part if you choose not to.
NAPAC can help you decide how to get this horrid woman away from you and regain your peace of mind.

Your GP can also refer you for counselling.

You have done brilliantly so far in building a secure and loving family for yourself and your DCs, she cannot take that from you.

There are many of us survivors on here so you are not alone. The stately homes thread is a good place to offload.

thanks marriednotdead, I feel very blindsided, but you're really kind (sob). With my own family I always feel as if I am just about holding it together, worried that it could be snatched away, but so far so good. DH is ridiculously patient, so it shows that I can have some good luck!

How would I go about contacting the police? Would it be a special department and would it be completely confidential (once again this stupid shame I have rears its ugly head and of course all those issues of control). Thanks for the NAPAC details. I've seen the stately homes thread, full of very brave people. I'll make an appointment with my GP. I think that I may have to send a group letter to all family explaining exactly why I don't have contact and threatening legal action.
This all feels very insane. Yesterday all I was thinking about was Christmas and DCs' Christmas carol concerts!

Shame is a word that threaded it's way through my 7 years of counselling. You will learn that it is an unwanted gift that you are not obliged to keep!

You can call the non emergency police number- get DH to do it if you think you might get too upset to speak. They will probably send a trained officer round to talk to you/take a statement. NAPAC could advise there too.

Try to keep yourself busy in the short term, the emotions these situations stir up can feel quite overwhelming. So pleased you have sup

Oops!
... support at home.

unwanted sending you big
I have no advice as such to offer becuase I have not experienced what you are going through. But I have had other issues with my family that I finally stood up to.
I would ring the police on their non-emergency number and ask to speak to someone about sexual abuse, emotional abuse and harassment. I'm sure you don't even have to give your name if you're not ready to do that. Just talk to them, explain the situation and see what they advise.
I understand tyou feel shame - but remember it is their shame not yours - you have done nothing to be ashamed about.
I would definitely talk to your GP and if you feel as though you won't be able to get the words out then print off this thread and give it to him to read.

Thanks marriednotdead. I'll see what napac say. I find Christmas difficult at the best of times. I just keep on dissolving into tears at the moment. I didn't have very much counselling so i would like to see if i can get more.

Very good phrase about shame. it seems to be my defining emotion over the years.

DH is very supportive in a kind of solid way, though he doesn't quite fathom the repercussions of what I've been through (or the weird contradictions that I still love and worry about people I've consciously estranged myself from and who caused me harm!).

Thanks Akiram, well done for standing up to your family issues. Good idea to print off this thread.
I know intellectually that i shouldn't be ashamed but then I am, uncontrollably, ashamed. eg today my first worry about the letter was that it would reveal the sexual abuse or I would have to explain the estrangement to my boss, sometimes talking about it feels like yet another violation if you see what i mean. I had 4 months of therapy years ago in which I cried a lot and was very quiet for most of the sessions, (the therapist had guessed what it was) but it took me until the 4th month to actually talk about it in any way at all.

and more

Thats the thing though isn't it unwanted, knowing intellectually and knowing emotionally are 2 very different things.
I know its not the same at all but when I was a teenage my mum killed herslef after being in an abusive marriage (with my dad). At first I felt so ashamed, I lied to people how she died, I made up stories. Then as I got older I realised I had nothing to be ashamed of and not saying this is for everyone decided that if anyone asked me then I would be honest.
I need coffee too - not even sure if this makes sense!

Akiram very sorry to hear what you've been through, but you've made big progress it seems, I hope you're very proud. I think that your experience of shame is really relevant to me here too. Part of my shame is covering up for them all my childhood (and so being somehow a part of it?) like a good little girl and now still being quiet about it and never holding them to account. I think the only thing I can do is be honest, and that will take all the power away from that shame, but that feels almost impossible to me, perhaps because so much of my childhood was concerned with being about to speak to someone about everything and then not talking about it. (... am secretly hoping DCs sleep in today ...)

unwanted I know what you mean about covering up. I did it for years. Even though nothing was physically being done to me I still felt as though part of it was my fault. I had to maintain the facade for years that we were a nice normal family.
To be honest it was a teacher I had when I was 18 that got through to me. It was not my fault. I had nothing to be ashamed of.
I really think if you can find just one person to be really honest with whether a GP (again give him this print out) or the police or a support line (you can always just read out what you have written here - this is what these people are trained for) then it will make a difference to you. It's like so many things, the first time is the hardest but after that you are free from your fear.
(i'm hoping my DC sleep in too )

Thanks Akiram, am going to see if I can lie down for half an hour as I am feeling very rough. I think my next mission is finding that one right person who I can really be honest with in a therapeutic context. hugs xx

Couldn't read and not post. What a dreadfully intrusive thing to send that letter to your boss. Please try not to fear your bosses attitude, I can tell you that seeing that from my perspective would simply show that your mother is I deed mad/toxic and it wouldn't lead me to wonder about why it was sent or the history etc etc.

I second the suggestion to talk to your gp, perhaps they could put you in contact with a charity to support you for when/if you go to the police.

I'm so sorry you went through this I was sexually abused from 4-12 by my so called brother he's 12 years older than me I am currently receiving counselling after being referred by the police after reporting it 3 months ago. Its never too late mine stopped in January 83 and a case is trying to be built against him, whatever you decide there are people who can help. I am now under the Gp because of all my anxiety and going through what my counsellor calls trauma and stress also on meds for sleep and the anxiety.

Hi, I'm so sorry you endured that kind of abuse as a little girl. It was NOT your fault then and neither is any of this.

Your 'Mother' is so wrong for writing a letter to your boss and i can understand your feeling of your boss being unable to 'unsee' the letter and it's description of you. I'm really angry on your behalf. Have you had therapy in the past or are you currently receiving treatment? You can and will get to the place where upon you feel OK with yourself, you deserve nothing less.

I cut ties with my family in 2005 because of emotional, psychological and verbal abuse