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Original poster

Old chestnut: how would you have approached this?

55 replies

Deberny · 12/12/2011 13:59

We had DH's family over for lunch on Saturday. The house needed cleaning, the shopping needed doing, and the food needed cooking.

The week before, I had some time so I kept the house in good order, so on Sat morning it just needed a quick hoover and the bathroom doing. I did those things while dh did the bit of shopping.

We shared the cooking, though I'd done things that were prepared in advance, and dh did what needed doing right then.

We were knackered and had had too much Baileys after lunch, so we vegged out on Sat evening. On Sunday, everyone got up and kind of worked around the piles of dishes. I waited and waited to see if dh was going to acknowledge the fact that they needed doing, but he didn't. He was about to go out when I ended up making a sarcastic comment and of course we had a little bit of a spat about it.

I just wanted him to say "Oh, those need doing." I didn't want him to do them there and then, and I was going to do my bit. It's been bugging me since then that I don't know how to handle this sort of thing, it makes me very stressed. He does refuse to acknowledge a lot of things that need to be done, but since he'll do them if asked, I can hardly feel hard-done-by. I have talked to him about it before and he won't suddenly become a person who lets housework into his life unless prompted - so how, practically, do I approach it? I can't prompt him without sounding sour. And I am sour, because I suspect he would like me to just do it on the quiet and then he could get to be grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deberny · 12/12/2011 14:00

Should have made it clear that I "organised" all the lead-up.

Please don't all round on me Grin It's better living with him than with some other people, I know.

OP posts:
DeckTheHallsWithPopcornMice · 12/12/2011 14:04

Could you have just said to him on Sunday morning, "how about you wash and I dry?"

Original poster
Deberny · 12/12/2011 14:06

He could have said the same to me.
It's a recurring theme.
How do I get him to deal with his home, without "asking" him to? It's his home too, stuff needs doing. It isn't my role to organise him.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 12/12/2011 14:13

Don't do his dinner, washing, anything else you usually do for him unless he actually asks you... see how he likes it..

Tonight as you walk in with your dinner.... say nothing and just start eating. If he asks where his is: 'I'm sorry dear, did you want dinner? You never said' with a slightly bewildered look

Original poster
Deberny · 12/12/2011 14:14

I can see that would be a tactic if he was a total shit, but he's not.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2011 14:15

We have a similar game going on in my household (no DH but a clutch of large DSs). It's called "survival of the laziest". Basically because I'm the one who gives a damn whether there are dirty dishes piled up, I have to either wash them or give someone else a direct instruction. I've tried asking them to take the initiative but they just look at me with a "does not compute" expression. If all the plates are dirty, they'll wash up just enough plates for the next meal! Which I suppose is better than nothing, and to be fair they usually cook as well. If I can prove, in lengthy intellectual debate, that it's their turn to wash up, they may well be prevailed upon to do a sinkful. But expecting them to aspire to a clean sideboard, that's just never going to happen.

DeckTheHallsWithPopcornMice · 12/12/2011 14:17

Tbqh I'd be perfectly happy if my DH did the dishes without argument if I asked him to. It's not like he won't do them?

VikingLady · 12/12/2011 14:26

I swear, some people just don't "see" stuff that needs doing. I spent years silently resenting DH for not doing anything around the house. Eventually had a big blow up (sarcasm that got out of hand) and agreed that I would have to ask him as he really didn't notice! Beats me how, but it really does seem to be true.

I still resent having to ask him, since I feel like it makes me seem like I am constantly nagging, but if I don't then it won't get done.

My parents had a deal, where mum cooked and dad washed up every time. Worked for them. Could you try that?

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 12/12/2011 14:48

Hmm. The thing that did it for me was being in hospital for 3 months and then being ill for a fair while after ... Dh realised that there weren't any fairies and is now much better at spotting what needs doing (except laundry, we still have a laundry fairy apparently). But that is a little drastic I agree.

Could you have a whiteboard/bit of paper on the fridge with a list of jobs that need doing daily/weekly? A ticklist? So he can have a look and pick a job to do. I don't know what he does for a living but you could make it look like a Project Management chart - seems to work for blokes!

FairstiveGreetings · 12/12/2011 23:01

We have a timetable (mostly for the dcs) showing who does what and when. Or you could allocate certain jobs so that it is always up to you to do the hoovering and him to wash the dishes (or whatever).

Or you could just accept that this is one of his 'flaws' and he is just not going to notice what needs doing. It's frustrating but as long as he doesn't complain that you 'nag' him, there is really no harm in agreeing that you will remind him of jobs he needs to do. Like you say, it could be worse.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 23:46

I have a similar problem at times with my husband. He doesnt have any initiative when it comes to housework.. until he realises he has no clean clothes for work ;)

Saturday morning for example.. we had a friend coming over for the night, due to arrive about midday. I was frantically blitzing the bombsite that the house had turned itself into over the last two days as we had both been busy with work. He comes into the kitchen and says "I am off up to the shops to spend my birthday vouchers, I will get out of your way"...

He got the raised eyebrows and told where the hoover lived in case he had forgotten, and I said "before you go, you can do the hall, stairs, and landing, dont worry, I will be in here so you wont be in my way Grin "

He did it, and then I released him into the community Grin

It is swings and roundabouts in this house, quite traditionally I suppose, he is the one who remember the MOT is about to run out.. he reminds me to check other car related stuff.. I am the one who noticed things that need doing in the house and ask him to do them. I cant be arsed to sit and seethe and wait for him to do it, if I ask, he will do it. We rarely argue, and it is never about housework.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 12/12/2011 23:47

What does he say if you ask him (when there are no dishes to be done), "Why don't you do the dishes when you can see they need t be washed?" or, "Why don't you ever suggest, 'If you wash, I'll dry'?"
How is the rest of the housework shared out?

babyhammock · 12/12/2011 23:48

Yeah and if you have to remind him, he's in the spare room Wink

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 12/12/2011 23:49

It's not that men don't see a job needs doing. It's that men believe that housework is women's work, and that if they ignore the job long enough, the woman will do it.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 23:55

Not true in the case of my husband, or most men who I know. My husband doesnt believe I should do it all, or that it is womens work. He was a single parent for a while, and looking after 3 kids, so he is more than capable and willing to do things, and to be fair, we are both procrastinators who will leave things till the last moment a lot of the time.

My FIL was like that though.. my own Dad wasnt, but my mother enabled him so much by faffing about if he tried doing anything. Left to his own devices he was quite capable but my Mum would rush in and tell him to leave it...

My FIL was a chauvinistic git who treated MIL like a domestic servant, and my husband really disliked his Dad for it, and vowed never to be that way himself, and he really isnt.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 13/12/2011 00:51

Fair enough, that should have read either some men or men like this.

ameliagrey · 13/12/2011 08:39

I think generally men have a much higher tolerance level of dirty homes.

I still have not cracked this with my Dh after 25 years.

he does do some things- putting bin out, DIY etc etc, but he can quite happily go out to the gym on a weekend and leave piles of dishes to be done when he gets back- regardless of the fact that there is not a clean mug around.

I've had to be really strict and just tell him what to do.

Left to his own devices, he won't do anything until the house becomes uninhabitable.

Original poster
Deberny · 13/12/2011 09:02

He's not one of those men, sgb.
Also I've read v often on here about women who are daft enough to let things get this way, men who are clever enough to play the 'I don't see it' card all the time: it's frustrating. I've been living with this man for 25 years and waged a gentle war against this, emphasized how it's a shared house etc.
He doesn't get it.
I can insult him, pull him up on it, talk it through from a feminist perspective, ask him why he is this way, go on strike, sulk, pointedly train children in front of him. He's an otherwise good man with absolutely zero interest in cleaning.
I should say I have zero interest in it as well, which is why I'm so bloody frustrated. To me it's an evil necessity that comes of being an adult.

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 13/12/2011 09:23

Are you married to the same man as meSmile

I've decided the only way is to ask outright-
eg "please hoover the stairs"
"please do the dishes" ( in dishwasher).

he can't/won't cook, but is brill at DIY, so he has his good points- but honestly, I do think you have to just ask him.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 13/12/2011 09:40

He is one of those men. He is one of those men who has decided that he can tune out your misery and frustration and prefers to do that than do his share of housework because fundamentally your time matters less than his and so do your feelings. What other explanation is there for someone who repeatedly fails to do what you want him/her to do, than that s/he doesn't actually care that you are angry and miserable about it and regards your complaining as an acceptable price to pay for not having to do the housework.

ameliagrey · 13/12/2011 10:15

But the point is SGB, that many men don't know what needs doing.

My DH would hoover once in a while if he lived on his own, but he wouldn't dust, or clean windows, clean out cupboards, blah blah blah...

I think most men have different standards of house keeping.

They need a list.

I don't know how else you get round this- what's your experience and what worked for you?

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 10:18

He could have said the same to me.

he is probably saying to himself "She could have said the same to me. "

and so no one wins.

Grow up, talk to each other and stop playing silly games

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 13/12/2011 10:26

AmeliaGrey, that's nonsense. They see women doing it, they have it shown/explained to them, and they still "don't know" that windows need to be cleaned or cupboards sorted out? Please.

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 10:34

Most men dont see women doing it though. Especially if they are out at work when it is getting done.

When my husband was off work for a few months last year, there was no way I was dusting around him or asking him to lift his feet while I hoovered. If I was doing housework, he was doing housework too... I am nobodys mug.

But he genuinely did not know what needed doing, and I had to tell him what I wanted doing. He did it quite happily, but he deferred to me because I run the house, and I know which jobs take order of priority.

howdidthishappenthen · 13/12/2011 10:45

Anyone linked to this article on the Poilitics of Housework yet?

I made some progress with my other half by

a: agreeing a rule that we cook 2 weekday evening meals each, and go out or get takeout one night. Weekend cooking is shared according to mood.
b: We alternate who gets the kids up and fed in the morning; clearing the kitchen is the job of this person, whilst the kids eat their weetabix. The person who stays upstairs has to make the bed, tidy the bathroom and bedroom and bring down dirty mugs.
c: I have laundry baskets in a different colour for each person. I'll wash and tumble dry and sort - ironing, folding, putting away etc is then down to each individual. If thery don't do it, then it stays in the garage with the machines forever.
d: I do an online shopping order every Monday morning, then email the link to DH to add any ingredients he needs for his meals. If he forgets, he has to go to the supermarket himself in the evening (as do I)

I don't do presents or cards for his relatives; he doesn't do for mine.

We have a cleaner for everything else.

It's still not perfect, but better than 18 months ago, when I wanted to kill him.

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