Old chestnut: how would you have approached this?

[Deberny]

We had DH's family over for lunch on Saturday. The house needed cleaning, the shopping needed doing, and the food needed cooking.

The week before, I had some time so I kept the house in good order, so on Sat morning it just needed a quick hoover and the bathroom doing. I did those things while dh did the bit of shopping.

We shared the cooking, though I'd done things that were prepared in advance, and dh did what needed doing right then.

We were knackered and had had too much Baileys after lunch, so we vegged out on Sat evening. On Sunday, everyone got up and kind of worked around the piles of dishes. I waited and waited to see if dh was going to acknowledge the fact that they needed doing, but he didn't. He was about to go out when I ended up making a sarcastic comment and of course we had a little bit of a spat about it.

I just wanted him to say "Oh, those need doing." I didn't want him to do them there and then, and I was going to do my bit. It's been bugging me since then that I don't know how to handle this sort of thing, it makes me very stressed. He does refuse to acknowledge a lot of things that need to be done, but since he'll do them if asked, I can hardly feel hard-done-by. I have talked to him about it before and he won't suddenly become a person who lets housework into his life unless prompted - so how, practically, do I approach it? I can't prompt him without sounding sour. And I am sour, because I suspect he would like me to just do it on the quiet and then he could get to be grateful.

When I was a kid my mum used to make a list of everything that needed doing on a Saturday morning. We all had to pick three things off the list and when they were done we could go out to play. We put music on and all got busy. It was quite a positive spin on cleaning. Girls, boys, mum, dad, all pitched in. My mum used to do the bathrooms. I always bagsied sweeping the stairs.

It was still led and organised by mum though so not sure if that's any help?

I do worry about DS's future and the future of any partners he may live with (OK it;s a while off, he's only 7) because my solution to the housework war is a) Not to live with a man and b) Not to do very much of it. This is partly because I don't actually think it matters if the house is a bit of a mess. I am aware that people are sometimes appalled by our untidy house, but we don't have rats or cockroaches, nothing smells, it's more untidy than dirty. And sometimes I would like it to be tidier but my attitude is that I don't mind the mess enough to tidy it up. Why should houses be super-tidy when there are so many more interesting things to do than housework?

there's no should about it- it's personal preference. some people are happy in mess, others aren't.

I have a friend who is so fussy she can't bear her DH sitting on the bed and messing up the smoothed out duvet.

I am pretty clean and tidy but my house is not as spotless as my neighbour and good friend who doesn't work outside the home, and who spends all her time cleaning and tidying up- and she quite likes it like that.

Anyone here familiar with love languages? Looks like you feel loved through 'acts of service' and he doesnt. Do the quiz on the website and then talk about it... Always an eye opener!

My DP does not do anything but does not expect me too either. He doesn't see it or care about it. When he comes in through the front door he just walks over the post on the floor. If i go away when i come back there is a weeks worth of post and papers on the floor with footprints all over them.

He has never cooked, cleaned etc. He never remembers when it's bin day. When i met him he lived in squalor. Occasionally on a Sat (if he's home or not got more important plans) he will do some washing up - but by then it is a weeks worth and the kitchen smells. It takes him hours to do it. He slowly wipes each dish, stopping to walk into the lounge and watch the telly. In the time it takes him to do it i've usually cleaned the rest of the house!

I realised that he was never going to change - he just doesn't care. Once or twice he has done stuff while i've been out and when i've come back the house is still a right mess, but he my have hung his coats up or put some shoes away - and he stands there pleased as punch saying 'well'? and i am supposed to say how great the house looks. But to me it still looks like a shit hole!

We both work full time so i realised i would have to lower my standards or leave him. As i couldn't stand the resentment building up when i did everything and he did nothing. So now i do what i want and leave the rest.

However, we are ttc and i know we can't live like this if we have a baby. But apparently that will be okay, as i will be home to do it all...