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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's done it again

22 replies

Marymoo73 · 12/12/2011 11:02

Advice...please. Found out last night that my partner has been having an affair for the past 6 months with a woman he met on line. Incidentally the second time he's been unfaithful in a year, the first was a girl from work that ended in Jan this year when I found out. I have a DS (7-previous marraige) and a DD (18mths - with current) I am working part time, DD is in nursery, have no idea how I can make the maths work to go it alone again as he shares the pickups, drop offs and pays a chunk of the mortage/nursery etc. I'm really scared as I dont know what to do next for the best, kick him out and try and survive, or let him stay so the kids have security and a home. Never thought i'd ever even consider this, but I honestly can't see any other option?

OP posts:

Dunrovin · 12/12/2011 11:08

I am really sorry to hear this, incredibly distressing for you.
But you can't 'sell' your happiness and dignity for a share in a house and some pragmatic arrangements. Take a deep breath and seek urgent advice from CAB about what tax credits and childcare help you would get, and see a solicitor about what you would get in terms of housing benefit. You may be able to agree a differnt working pattern with your employer, and your partner will have a responsibility for contributing to housing and feeding his dd.

Facts = Decision making power!

Twice in one year is a man who dies not give a damn about his relationship with you. . Kick him to the kerb and live your life in strength and dignity without him.

Good luck.

ArtVandelay · 12/12/2011 11:10

Mary, this sounds terrible. I'm no expert but your partner will have to pay maintenance for your DD. You will be entitled to tax credits and other help. Being unfaithful once, possible a mistake? But this level is ridiculous - its pretty abusive IMO. Please get him out and then concentrate on you and your DCs. I'm so sorry you have this to deal with.

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 12/12/2011 11:24

Thank you, I just needed some "sanity". Sadly, I've been here with EH so kinda know what i'm entitled to and how this goes. At least the mortage is in my name only.
He's emailed me this morning, hoping we can have a "chat" tonight - quote "I am really sorry, I have let you down incredibly badly and you deserve so much better" You're right, twice in a year is a joke, I feel so stupid that he's taken me in again and again.

OP posts:

ArtVandelay · 12/12/2011 11:34

Ooh - he's making me angry and I don't even know you both. If it was me I'd let him stew a few days, tell him he can pick up a bag of his things and go to his mum's while you decide what is going to happen. (((((hug)))))

You are not stupid - its not stupid to have tried to have seen the good in someone. Another affair is ridicuous, why would anyone have expected that? Are you having support from Parents or friends in RL?

sternface · 12/12/2011 11:41

Right now you need breathing space, so ask him to leave and to stick to the arrangements you've got in place for childcare.

Next spend the time sorting out the practical implications of splitting; your finances and how you will both manage caring for the DCs so that you can continue to work, or increase your hours if needs be.

Please don't even think about giving him another chance, because he will just do it again and again. It's possible to forgive once as long as the lessons have been learned, but not twice.

Dunrovin · 12/12/2011 11:42

Meeting someone online is a pro-active search for an affair, too. And he's being apologetic now that you have found out - hardly the same as stopping the affair of his own accord and making a committment to acting as he should.
He is a rat, sadly, but it isn't your fault, and you know you can manage without him. So do!
What a bastard. And fancy finding out the first time when you had a tiny baby - could he not even focus on the joy of being a new parent without around behind your back? I am with him, too!

Bossybritches22 · 12/12/2011 11:44

Glad the mortgage is in your name only, that's one thing you won't need to sort out.

Dig your heels in & don't offer to give him anything to leave. Take legal advice.

He's lucky to get off with his bits intact (& I'm not a violent person!) usually I'm all for giving someone the benefit of doubt but twice in a year is inexcusable & unforgivable IMHO.

You've managed before, you will do it again, hard though it might be.

So sorry he's put you in this position.

snuffaluffagus · 12/12/2011 11:49

He can still do drop offs/pick ups even if you're not together and living together.. and he can still pay towards the nursery and other costs for your daughter, so don't let that put you off getting rid!

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 12/12/2011 12:02

Should I mention that he also has a son from his first marriage who lives in London?! Most of his friends also still live there, so I'm guessing he would move back there, so no help with childcare. His parents are in France, so I can't even pack him off there. I think I could cover childcare short term, but it mean I would have to call on my mum, who does alot already, she's just come out of 43 years of marriage after my dad was unfaithful, so I dont want to burden her more than I have to. Dunrovin - a very valid point, ther fact he went looking makes me feel sick, I've seen pictures of her so very wrong, wrong wrong...

OP posts:

sternface · 12/12/2011 12:16

Your mum will probably want to help and best of all, can empathise with what you're going through. Do you have a good relationship with her?

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 12/12/2011 12:35

Yes, its ok, she's getting on a bit, so I dont want her to overdo it.
Just trying to work out how i'm going to cover this with my DS. This man has been part of his life for the last 3.5 years, living with us for 2. He was too young to register his dad leaving, but now, he doesn't miss a thing.

OP posts:

bushymcbush · 12/12/2011 12:41

No advice, just wanted to say how and I feel for you.

Definitely end the relationship though. You can get the financial support you need through CSA and benefits. You don't need this creep in your life, even for the security he brings.

sternface · 12/12/2011 12:59

It's good that you can get short-term childcare, but in the longer term think about your financial options. What benefits will you be entitled to? Can you/ would you want to work longer hours? What would you be entitled to if you didn't work? Could you change the mortgage to interest-free payments for a while, or take a payment holiday?

Your mum might be glad of a distraction atm. She might be very lonely and feeling as though she's the only one going through this. If you've got a good relationship with her, reach out and ask for her help.

You don't need anyone to tell you that two infidelities in a relationship of only 3.5 years standing is bad news. Did his last marriage end because of the same thing?

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 12/12/2011 13:11

I will be entitled to some tax credits, I earn ok, but would need to go back to 5 days a week, which means less time with DD and more nursery payments
:(
Am interest only on the mortagage at the moment. Need to sit down and do my sums properly. I will speak to my mum, I'm sure she will be happy to help.
Yes, his first marriage eventually died after he started mucking about.

OP posts:

issey6cats · 12/12/2011 14:08

im just the other side of the line having chucked my online serial dater out, we have no children thank god but financially am in a mess, emotionally am in a mess, but believe me hes done it twice he wont change and living with a partner who you totally distrust eats away at you look at my thread men like him just go round destroying lives not building them, and they just find another victim to pick on

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 13/12/2011 16:53

Thanks for your kind words and support everyone. I had the conversation last night and he was shocked that I wanted him out so soon. He wants to continue the nursery run twice a week and to spend as much time with DD as possible, he's promised to find a room somewhere locally. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Do I let him pitch up regulary or will that just confuse the kids? He then proceeded to send a long email to me at work this morning more or less begging for another chance, promising the earth etc. I've told him I cant forgive or trust him again. He wants to talk some more tonight...am not sure I've got the strength to go through another night of soul searching. I really dont have anything more to say to him right now.

OP posts:

Xales · 13/12/2011 17:16

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

You can do whatever you want to do and take as long as you need to in order to do it. Do not let anyone set a pace for you. If you don't want to talk to him tonight, don't. He has no rights to force you to and if he was serious about wanting a 3rd! chance he would back off and respect your choice.

Please go and get yourself checked at an STI clinic and if you think you may try again insist that he does also

Good luck.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 13/12/2011 17:47

How about he moves out and you both go for relate counselling and see how it goes. If he can actually learn something through it, like how much he's hurt you, and how to respect, protect and nuture your feelings in future. If he's not open to this then it would definitely be game over in my eyes. If his issues that led to his first affair weren't resolved then the second is no surprise. Definitely don't take him back tonight, even if you do want to eventually sort things out. You may find your new found independence a breath of fresh air.

duvetdayplease · 13/12/2011 18:02

Hi, I'd agree with saying he moves out and agree to relate counselling at a time if/when you feel ready and willing. In terms of contact I would suggest if he wants to get a room locally and do regular stuff that is positive, but do not allow it to be 'dropping in' when he feels like it. He needs to come and see the kids not you. He should try to take the kids out rather than coming in your home if poss, altho that is hard with younger ones. I would try to get a routine as that is easier for the kids to understand.

Really sorry you're going thru this. I haven't been myself but have friends who have, you're not the only one so keep your head high and trust yourself you can do it.

Also tell him to give you some space, tell him pressure is making you want to cut contact totally so he just needs to give you space and let you think.

Dunrovin · 13/12/2011 19:49

Well, nothing has actually changed (yet) has it? In terms of him having proved that he is genuinely sorry. So far he is merely repeating what happened last time.

I think it's GOOD that he is shocked, and that you should keep it up. If you are prepared to coinsider another try he needs to know (by feeling, not being told) that you are serious. Agree that he move out, agree that he remain involved in nursery runs etc, but say that until he has looked at why he behaves like this, what he gets from it, why he thinks it is OK to treat you like this, take risks with his relationship, then you have no interest in even talking to him about patching up. Spend some time apart, then maybe, if you are interested, attend couples counselling together, and then you can make your decision. If he is serious about you and your relationship he will be happy to put in the work and the wait. Otherwise he is just trying to sweeten you up and appease you again...until next time.

windsorTides · 13/12/2011 20:02

Oh I really hope you're not going to give him another chance or bother going to Relate together OP. One infidelity could have been a terrible mistake; two looks more like a habit. But trust me, for someone to do this to you twice means that he cannot love you. Only a very cruel man indeed would put you through this again.

He needs to get this room as quickly as possible and should not be seeing the kids at your house. He should take them to his place or out. It's confusing for kids to see their separated parents in the family home. There needs to be a very clear demarcation and he will need to understand that the house is not his home any longer.

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 15/12/2011 14:39

He went to counselling the first time, needless to say, complete waste of time. I dont see the point of joint counselling as he just trots out crap reasons for his behaviour, which I have no interest in hearing. He's formalised what he's going to pay towards the mortage etc, I just get the feeling he's secretly relieved and this gives him a chance to get up to all sorts now, without the risk of getting caught. He's going to see some flat shares this weekend, which are fairly local, I will let him continue the Nursery collections but have said he needs to formalise weekends as DD still having 2 naps a day (Nursery knackers her) so he cant just turn up. Its scary to think I'll be on my own again, not part of a unit, but I guess I have beenb unwittingly on my own for the last 18 months :(

OP posts:

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