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Original poster

How do I avoid becoming bitter?

67 replies

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 11/12/2011 22:47

Well in fact that should be how can I stop being bitter? Dp left me last year and is now seeing someone else, and I just feel sooo fucked off that he is just carrying on with his life, he has found time to meet someone and is now spending weekends at her house, and I am left on my own, always having to find a babysitter before I can do anything. It just seems so unfair, and I am really scared that I will always feel angry towards him, and I won't be able to move on.
I don't want to risk starting a new relationship as I am so scared of getting hust again. Does anyone have any advice to stop me becoming (more) bitter and twisted?

OP posts:
Fabnewme2011 · 11/12/2011 22:49

Do you have a group of friends you can talk/rant to?

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 11/12/2011 22:50

Yes, and believe me I have, but still have these feelings of anger and hatred towards him.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 11/12/2011 23:09

I was like that - you need this

www.drw.org.uk/

sternface · 11/12/2011 23:12

Why do you have to find babysitters? Is he not looking after his own children?

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 11/12/2011 23:15

Yes he does look after his own child, but as he is the NRP, he doesn't have to consider ds every time he leaves the house for example. I just resent his relative freedom I suppose. I don't want a new relationship, but I can see the advantage of having someone else in the house who you can leave dc with!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 11/12/2011 23:16

NotSuch, thanks for that link. I will look at it when I've got a minute Smile

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 11/12/2011 23:20

Chestnut - I was angry and bitter when first divorced. It felt like I had taken the short straw with regard to money and my time.

Time does change your perception. I'm several yrs down the line and feel less bitter. Couple of years made all the difference to me.

I used this www.newlifeafterdivorce.com/Blog-Archive/divorce-rituals-the-phoenix-ritual.html It's the simplest of things and tbh I was fairly desperate to move on when I used it otherwise I might not have, deeming it claptrap I can't recommend it enough. It really did make me unravel my feelings and remove some anger.

ToothbrushThief · 11/12/2011 23:23

My ex would have mine.... but then again not. He was unreliable and thus I could not plan. I stopped relying on him and now assume zilch CM and zilch support. I know that is not good but for my mental health it is. It stopped me railing against the unfairness of it.

My DC find me a relaxed mum now that I'm not hating their Dad. It's been good for them

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 11/12/2011 23:30

Thanks Toothbrush, have downloaded the phoenix ritual, looks good. It's just a question of time probably as you say, but I'm impatient! Just want to get back to normal again. My ex is actually quite good, and had ds while I work in the evening. His new girlfriend lives about an hour away though, and I'm not really happy about ds going there yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 01:19

And now I'm keeping myself awake with the thought of them buying a house together (my house is really small and I'm getting really jealous because everyone seems to have a nice big house except me) It just makes me feel so angry at the thought of her benefiting from his salary, and me and ds stuck in a shit house with not much money. And then they'll probably have a baby and give ds a sibling, which I can't do. I know it's sad, but this is how I feel.

OP posts:
vole3 · 12/12/2011 07:10

You are not alone in having these feelings, but that is all they are - feelings. They might be fact at the moment, but they might not and it will not always be this way.

He has lost out on having his son in his life full time, so his life is immeasurably poorer.

At least that's what I keep telling myself....................

Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 07:53

It just makes me feel so angry at the thought of her benefiting from his salary

The operative word here being "his".

And assuming he pays CM you too benefit from his salary.

sternface · 12/12/2011 09:41

Yes, 'his salary' that he is only able to earn because someone else looks after his child.

springydaffs · 12/12/2011 10:04

Of course you're angry and bitter - you've got to give it time. All this 'move on' stuff is a bit pervasive imo, we're human beings and 'moving on' takes time. which is certainly uncomfortable but necessary to get through to the other side. Just wondering: if you are trying not to be bitter then you may be avoiding the bitterness stage? which could be dragging the whole thing out. Bite the bullet and be bitter - that somebody else may be benefitting from your future, the one you very reasonably expected. That ex looks to be getting off scot free while you're left carrying the can when you did nothing wrong - that's not fair is it? That's something to feel angry about. I've heard it said that bitterness is buried anger - in which case, get that anger out for as long as it takes. Meeting with other people in the same boat is helpful too.

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 13:25

Sparks I know it's his salary, but he has that because I supported him through retraining, boosted his confidence and told him that he could do it. As someone else has said, I also look after his son while he works (I also work myself in the evenings) I am now left living in relative poverty, while he enjoys himself with another woman and her son. I would also say that the maintenance is to benefit his son, not me.
I am very angry, yes, and thanks for saying that it is valid, springydaffs I do find it hard to express anger, and I do feel that it is somehow not right to be angry.
Yes vole you're right, he does miss out by not living with his son, and I think he realises that, doesn't stop him going away for the weekend though and not seeing ds. His argument is that if I let ds visit his girlfriend's house, then he would be seeing him (nicely putting the blame on me) I feel quite nervous about ds being away from me for 3 or 4 days and he will be about an hour's drive away in a city that I don't know. I feel like I want to ask if I can inspect her house first! Is that unreasonable? I suspect it is.
Thanks all

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/12/2011 13:57

Yes it is I'm afraid but you're not unreasonable for wanting to and for giving her the third degree ! how old is your dc btw?

If you get the chance, when dc is out, get a bat and whack the shit out of some cushions. I kid you not, it is a brilliant way to plumb that buried anger. Say/scream what you really feel. Anger is a sane response to what has happened - to bury it and try to 'move on' is unhealthy before you're ready; and you'll know when you're ready. Therapy is a good way to plumb the depths and express the unmentionable, with a supportive therapist who is not afraid of intense emotion. If it's down there it's got to come out.

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 14:11

Ds is only 3, he has met her son, and really enjoys playing with him, which I am happy about. I think he is very young to be away from me for 3 days (hopefully he would prove me wrong by having a wonderful time and hardly thinking of me) also if anything happened, or he wasn't feeling well, I would be an hour away. I suppose it's not that far. Tbh I don't think he has any right to take ds with him, but he says he wants to start taking him after christmas.
Going to look for a bat now, ds at nursery.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 12/12/2011 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 18:13

Thanks, i know you are right and I am trying to live well, and not doing too badly, but am still very angry about it all. I will give myself more time to adjust.

OP posts:
Smum99 · 12/12/2011 21:31

Whilst your son is young it's hard to see the benefits - just the workload but when I look back I remember my time as a single mum very fondly..just my dd and me. I have an amazing sense of achievement now that she is older. Your ex maybe in a new relationship (men always move on faster) but it doesn't mean it won't happen for you - you never know what is around the corner and the future could be really bright for you. Take the time now to heal, focus on yourself, prioritise a few things that you want to achieve. Your ds would cope fine with your ex - we often worry more than they do. Over time you will really appreciate the break that you get.

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 21:37

OP, being angry is so allowed. Bitterness is something completely different and takes years to manifest. Just go with it and don't surpress what you feel. It's early days.

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 21:55

Just found 2 quotes that I'm going to keep in mind:
?Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.?
?Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.?

So I think I really need to express my anger then don't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 21:56

Can't I really use the bat on him? It would be so...satisfying Wink

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 21:56

Whilst he may be morally wrong to have taken advantage of your support career wise he has legally done nothing wrong.

It's his salary,you inadvertently benefit from it through the CM as it means more for your child.

I fail to see how the person earning the main wage is any less entitled to end a relationship than the person who is the main child carer.

The main thing is he pays the appropriate CM and takes an active part in his childs life. If he doesn't do either of those things then you really have something to be angry about.

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 21:58

Yes sweetheart you do, internalising anger becomes depression.

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