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Original poster

How do I avoid becoming bitter?

67 replies

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 11/12/2011 22:47

Well in fact that should be how can I stop being bitter? Dp left me last year and is now seeing someone else, and I just feel sooo fucked off that he is just carrying on with his life, he has found time to meet someone and is now spending weekends at her house, and I am left on my own, always having to find a babysitter before I can do anything. It just seems so unfair, and I am really scared that I will always feel angry towards him, and I won't be able to move on.
I don't want to risk starting a new relationship as I am so scared of getting hust again. Does anyone have any advice to stop me becoming (more) bitter and twisted?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 21:58

Smum, I am very very reluctant to get into another relationship, have had 2 long term relationships, and they have both turned out badly. I don't think I can take the risk again, apart from anything else, I have to think of ds first.

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 21:59

I think the OP is angry because she enabled him to get where he is and he's just walked after her helping him achieve this.

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 21:59

Sparks I'm not disputing his right to do whatever the fuck he pleases, I'm just trying to express my feelings about it, and that involves resenting the fact that he has got more money than me, ok?

OP posts:
newhorizon · 12/12/2011 22:01

I think it's natural to be angry, it helps you go through the motions and hopefully with time your anger will fade. I'm still angry with my ex. If I saw him now, I would clock him one - seriously! He's aband

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 22:01

Thanks fuzzy, yes I am angry, and after the advice from you and others, I'm going to try and start expressing that without feeling like I'm wrong to be angry, therefore hopefully avoiding becoming bitter Smile

OP posts:
newhorizon · 12/12/2011 22:03

Sorry. He's abandoned our dd physically, emotionally and financially.

springydaffs · 12/12/2011 22:06

rah! rah!

Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 22:08

Sparks I'm not disputing his right to do whatever the fuck he pleases, I'm just trying to express my feelings about it, and that involves resenting the fact that he has got more money than me, ok?

Your posts suggest otherwise. And assuming he's a decent father i really don't think you need to be within 5 minutes of your child at all times btw. Females don't hold a monopoly on good parenting.

I do however understand your emotional anger towards him and the situation you find yourself in. But that's a separate issue. As you yourself have alluded to,your child comes first. :)

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 22:11

Tbh, I think I've more than alluded to the fact that ds comes first. I've set up my entire life as a testament to that fact. Unfortunately, his father has decided to put himself first, but never mind.

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 22:19

Yes you have. I didn't dispute that!

But on the basis of the information you've posted you're bitter about the fact he has more income and potential material buying power than you.

The hard truth is you need to deal with that and no one can sugar coat it.

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 22:21

No, I'm not bitter, I'm angry, as this thread has helped me to realise Smile
Being supportive to someone is not the same thing as sugar-coating it.
Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/12/2011 22:24

Hang on just a minute there Sparks...

imo children don't always come first. crucifying yourself on a cross in the name of motherhood is not healthy for children. This smug, competitive fucked up generation of parents are convinced it is, howeve,r the best for children and we're all standing by as a generation of narcissists is unleashed as a direct result: the 'I come first' generation.

This woman has been abandoned and is now expected to 'suck it up', to 'get past it', to subsume herself in her child's needs, paying no attention to the outrage and bitterness she feels; that her shit of an ex is holding all the cards when justice says he shouldn't be, that he should have to pay a price for what he has done. Instead, she is paying the price and she's justifiably intensely angry about that - which includes how much he is earning and how little she is living on as a direct result of his abandonment.

sternface · 12/12/2011 22:25

No-one was suggesting the OP's ex did anything illegal, but I really don't think you understand Sparks how much earning potential a lone primary carer loses, in the course of a lifetime. And if the OP had left the ex and her child when he was still in training and was now able to earn lots without having to worry about childcare, we would be saying the same thing.

Anger is great OP - and entirely justified.

springydaffs · 12/12/2011 22:28

ONe more cushion to add to your collection of one OP Wink

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 22:30
Grin
OP posts:
Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 22:31

I wish you the best Spreading :)

Springy She hasn't been abandoned,the relationship has been ended by one of the two parties involved. As i stated earlier i fail to see why one half has more right to end a relationship than the other. Please explain if i'm wrong...

As far as i'm aware no one is compelled to stay in a relationship they're unhappy with. Be they female or male....

springydaffs · 12/12/2011 22:34

bit gender-specific there sparks! mucho agenda methinks

Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 22:36

No-one was suggesting the OP's ex did anything illegal, but I really don't think you understand Sparks how much earning potential a lone primary carer loses, in the course of a lifetime. And if the OP had left the ex and her child when he was still in training and was now able to earn lots without having to worry about childcare, we would be saying the same thing.

Which is why the courts take such matters into due consideration. And trust me i fully understand... Wink

Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 22:37

bit gender-specific there sparks! mucho agenda methinks

Yes you were. No agenda here i can assure you! :)

springydaffs · 12/12/2011 22:43

Trust you? You seem to be laying on the assurances - trust me, I assure you Hmm

Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 22:48

Um, ok. Feel free to divulge the agenda i have mind... Confused

Original poster
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 22:50

I know it's a public forum and all that, but personally I would prefer this thread without sparks

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 12/12/2011 22:57

I know it's a public forum and all that, but personally I would prefer this thread without sparks

If the only reason you started this thread was for sympathy then fair enough i'll bow out. I've offered an honest opinion and bear you no malice whatsoever.

Good luck.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 12/12/2011 23:00

i started kick boxing OP ,good fun and really helped me get out the house for an evening a week.Feel the anger ,work through it and eventually you detatch from their new life cos its none of your business and I think for me if i had chosen to wallow in the injustice of my situation after the split i wouldnt have moved on ,i would have kept re energising bitter negative thoughts.Instead 2 yrs on i am peaceful and if something pisses me off i feel the anger -i dont hide it,i might type it all out to a friend but then i let it go.in my experience the rage i felt when my x left was like poison inside me and i had to get it out of my body.

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 23:04

Firstly this - Tbh I don't think he has any right to take ds with him, but he says he wants to start taking him after christmas.
He has every right to take ds with him - and more importantly ds has every right to go with his daddy.
That is how you stop being bitter - I could write you a book on DHs ex and how bitter, twisted and vindictive she is - she is eaten up with jealousy and hatred that he has moved on with his life - and the biggest sufferers and the main reason to let go of it - the dscs - they suffer that their mumhates their dad. The dsds who live with her - when she is angry or upset they hurt with her.

The best revenge on ex is to make a new life and be happy.