How do I avoid becoming bitter?

[TheSpreadingChestnutTree]

Well in fact that should be how can I stop being bitter? Dp left me last year and is now seeing someone else, and I just feel sooo fucked off that he is just carrying on with his life, he has found time to meet someone and is now spending weekends at her house, and I am left on my own, always having to find a babysitter before I can do anything. It just seems so unfair, and I am really scared that I will always feel angry towards him, and I won't be able to move on.
I don't want to risk starting a new relationship as I am so scared of getting hust again. Does anyone have any advice to stop me becoming (more) bitter and twisted?

I agree with everyone else, but also wanted to say, DS is very very attached to me, stayed away overnight only once and it went badly, but just before he turned 3 I was unexpectedly rushed into hospital with a kidney infection and he had to stay with DP, who is not his dad, and who had only been living with us for a matter of weeks. He coped absolutely fine and really surprised me - your DS will probably be the same :)

ah the exquisite wisdom of the gorgeous patience

MJ I don't think OP is eaten up with bitterness etc - I think she hasn't even plumbed the depths of her anger yet, hasn't even really got started. imo she, and many like her, are shamed into submission by the brutal, inhuman 'move on' [just like that! flick of a switch!] philosophy that swamps our culture at present. She has no need to be ashamed, is perfectly justified to feel she could power a space ship with her anger. If she doesn't power her own particular space ship then that rage could turn in - and woe to her if it does. imo to shame her into fearing being the 'bitter ex' is not letting her pass through the anger and bitterness she needs to feel to come out the other side - she needs to get that poison out. Your partner's ex hasn't achieved that but there's no reason to assume OP won't - in fact I really think she will, given time. imho.

Pontificating a lot tonight, apologies. Just makes me so effing cross when people aren't 'allowed' to be angry and FULL OF RAGE when they have every reason to be.

My anger could have powered a whole fleet of spaceships !!!!
I used to dance and sing(and cry) around my kitchen ,the grief ripped my insides out .Did a lot of couch punching but vowed i wasnt going to let him take the joy from my life forever .I would say i trust my instincts now and i dont let anything fester 'cause its bad for my health and for my kids.You find your own way through it and some bits are very painful but you become stronger as you heal .I described it like big abscesses that would form come to the surface and burst letting the poison out .You could go weeks without anything then more toxic crap would rise to the surface and burst leaving an open wound that needed to heal.You need to let it come out .To free yourself from all the anger left after seperation is a huge gift to yourself.

Excuse me - I don't think the OP is eaten up with bitterness - however OP asked for reasons not to get bitter - I was pointing out what happens if you don't let go of it at some point.

Its not an attempt to shame OP, I would hate to see anyone end up like DHs loon ex, it's an attempt to help, whenever ds1s dad upsets me, I use DHs ex as my example of how not to behave.

From the OPs post I see someone who is involving DS in her issues - whether she realises it or not - and that's not good for DS, regardless of whether it's justified.

Excuse me - I don't think the OP is eaten up with bitterness - however OP asked for reasons not to get bitter - I was pointing out what happens if you don't let go of it at some point.

Its not an attempt to shame OP, I would hate to see anyone end up like DHs loon ex, it's an attempt to help, whenever ds1s dad upsets me, I use DHs ex as my example of how not to behave.

From the OPs post I see someone who is involving DS in her issues - whether she realises it or not - and that's not good for DS, regardless of whether it's justified.

So what is she supposed to do MJ? turn herself into a block of stone? That's not good for her ds either. Which is worse, to have a vacant, disengaged mother or a mother eaten up with bitterness? Both aren't too hot.

I also had PND after one of my children - that wasn't good for my baby either but I had to get well and couldn't be well until I was well. My mum said I'd better watch out because social services could take my baby away if I didn't get myself together. Didn't actually help, though she meant to help. imo your advice is similar to that, however well meant.

I do notice though that new partners of abusive men demonise the ex, using her as a yardstick of how not to behave. You may not be in that position but it does look similar. Even though her behaviour may be appalling and she may be off her head, she may have something to be extremely bitter about?

And with that you prove you don't knownehat you are talking about - the only thing Dhs ex has to be bitter about it that her plan to have an affair, throw dh out and block his access to his children while taking allhis money didn't work.

There was an abusive man in her life - it wasn't however dh It was her OM- she is also angry that her son moved in with his dad - again not DHs responsibility.

She is pissed off that DHs life is pleasant and hers has turned to shite. That however is her problem - she got exactly what she thought she wanted.

And as the person who along with DH has to pick up the pieces of her emotional abuse of her children i find it laughable that you immeadiately jumped to the conclusion that the abuser is DH and not his ex wife.

MJ, I said that you may not be in that position, but it does look similar. I appreciate that you have been through it with DH's ex but your horrible experiences may be blinding you - not all ex's are this bad! The majority do their best to get it right and, from what I've read generally on MN, often bend over backwards, exposing themselves to situations that are agony for them in order to protect and not influence the children. OP may be struggling with letting her ds go to ex's but that is par for the course at the beginning and there is no indication from what I've read that OP is in the psycho category. imo an abandoned mother has some anger to work through - all perfectly understandable and healthy : ignoring the anger for fear they'll turn into a psycho ex is a recipe for disaster imo, not least depression, which is generally understood to be buried anger, and is disastrous for the kids in the long run (not to mention the mother).

What makes you think I don't understand? Or that I haven't been through the mill with ds1s dad?

All the tea and sympathy in the world doesn't change the facts - the ops post that She doesn't think her ex has any right to take the ds away, and the posts that make it clear she is controlling where ds goes with his dad during their contact time, ring massive alarm bells for me. Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to let go of them, but let them go we must for their sales.

We do not own our children. The children have every right to a good relationship with the NRP - for the childrens benefit, not the NRPs.

I am more than aware thank you that not all exes are like dhs, given that I am in fact an ex wife myself, and many of my friends are married for the second time, however she is a cautionary tale of what happens if you can't let go of your bitterness and anger.

The OP ask for help not to become bitter - well im trying to help, just not in the same sugar coated way as you.

I found your suggestion that my kind, gentle loving husband was potentially abusive offensive in the extreme.

And btw it's a minimum of 12 months - that's a long time to be controlling where ds goes.

Anger is a stage of grief - and all stages need to be worked through I agree - but being angry and hating people only really hurts one person - the angry person.

Mj i'm utterly confused by your use of 'controlling' re where her ds goes? She is trying to protect him and make sure he is happy, yet you have out such a negative spin on it.

My now 5 yo is finding it very difficult to accept that his father no longer lives with us (although it is now 17 months on). He can be quite routine led when stressed and currently has referrals in place re his behaviour. His dad introduced the boys to his current girlfriend a few weeks after they started seeing each other (I had been dreading it). They likedher and were happy, so it was a real relief. However, the first time she stayed overnight when they did, their dad also took them to met her family that weekend and then the day after went on holiday with her for a week (obviously then not seeing the boys that week). I think a combination of all those things really upset him and I was left with dealing with the crying himself to sleep at night and horrendous behaviour in school for a few weeks after. I really didn't find that acceptable and complained to their dad that he had rushed all of these things on ds in his first term of school (which we knew perfectly well has had its own difficulties for him).

My stbxh ex husband also accused me of being 'controlling' for stopping him having my (then) 3 and 4 yos each saturday afternoon after he left them on the sidelines while playing rugby. After he had insisted on having them every other saturday (always intending to play rugby each saturday afternoon).

I would love to not need to give my views to stbexh on his parenting and just trust him, but unfortunately he just seems unwilling to ever put their needs first. Yet you have immediately accused the OP of being 'controlling' while knowing very little about her situation really.

OP - i'm hoping my anger dies down when stbexh actually cracks on with the divorce stuff, which he seems to keep delaying at every opportunity. But he is a selfish person and will never put the needs of our children before his own which is really difficult to not get angry about when it does affect ds1?

The op has clearly stated that the ds is happy playing with the new gf son, she has also said her ex is quite good and has ds in the evenings, she clearly has no concerns about his parenting, so i dont think her ex can be compared to yours.

This man has ended his relationship with his ex, not his son. He is an equal parent and regardless of how much we find that hard as mothers (and it is hard) our children have a right to an equal relationship with their dads, sonlong as those dads are not abusive or neglectful.

I think you've been incredibly honest TheSpreadingChestnutTree and springydaffs is giving really great advice. I agree in particular when she says about the anger isn't a switch you can suddenly turn off. It does need to be worked through, not buried.

I didn't follow the link to the phoenix ritual, but it sounds like a great idea. I think anything like that is a good idea. Do whatever you need to do to release the anger - and this is a great start. Have a google for emotional freedom technique and emotrance. They really do work IME.

Re: Children

It's quite simple. As long as the child is safe and happy neither parent has any right whatsoever to dictate how that child spends their time with the other parent.

I don't give a damn what my ex does with our daughter as long as she's happy.And it's been made perfectly clear she will never be telling me what i can or can't do.

Chestnut tree. You have my sympathy. Unless you have been there I think it is difficult to understand how hard it is, emotionally, practically and financially to be dumped by a partner and left to bring up small children alone.

Its also not all that helpful to have other posters with axes to grind based on their own personal experiences, wading in, at a time when what you really need is support and a safe space to vent your understandable anger.

The most helpful advice I can offer (have been there myself) is to focus on the things you can control. You might not like your ex introducing his new GF, but as long as he is not abusive, you do have to trust him with your child.

Get a schedule in place, then hold him to it. Take the time that you are on your own to recharge and to do other stuff. The first few weekends are awful, but it does get easier.

Do you have a financial settlement in place? If not get a solicitor and make sure that it is fair.

When you are at home alone, invite girlfriends over, get them each to bring something and all have a good gossip.

If you can afford it, get a counsellor, give yourself a safe space to vent and work through your feelings. I did this for the first 6 months and it made a real difference and helped me cope through that really hard first year.

For what its worth I would reccomend this book Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends by Sandra S. Kahn

It was probably the most useful thing I read when my ex left me and it helped me establish the groundrules to build a new life for myself.

You can build a new life and it will get better

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am not in the least controlling, just for the record, and I think even if I attempted to be, it would backfire on me (and obviously ds) as exp holds all the cards really. I think this is one of the aspects of this that I find hardest; I am ds's parent, but I suddenlt have no control over where he goes or who he sees. As far as me only having a right to worry as long as I know he's safe goes, well that's the problem: I don't know if he's safe, because he's with people who I don't know, and who haven't been known to exp for very long (or so he says )
I am feeling a lot less angry than I did, thanks to this thread and all the people on it who have been or are going through the same thing. I still feel pretty upset though, like today when I went to ds's nativity, and was looking at all the couples and thinking "what's wrong with me? why don't I merit someone staying with me?"
I think that it would be better if I did have a fixed schedule, as elastamum says, but because of my work pattern, that is difficult at the moment, hopefully that will change later next year.
All I want is for ds to be happy, and not to be too badly affected by what has happened, a friend actually complimented my and exp on our handling of the situation (pre-new girlfriend though) I have never spoke badly of exp in front of ds, just for the record. And I am fard from being a psycho, and don't intend to become one (although I'm not proud of the way I reacted when I first found out that he was introducing his very new gf to ds, I must admit )
And thanks to springy for defending my motives on this thread, I appreciate it

2 things
well that's the problem: I don't know if he's safe,

I think all you can do is trust exp as he clearly loves him.

I think that it would be better if I did have a fixed schedule,

With my DS1, I dont have a fixed schedule because of exh work pattern, he often worked weekends and over time, so a scheduled routine would never have worked, a flexible contact pattern requires a large amount of give and take and co-operation, but it can work, if both parties want it to.

DS1 is 16 now, and is quite vocal that he really appreciates the arrangements I have always had with exh (he was 5 when we split), that DS simply has 2 homes and moves freely between the 2.

He saw/sees his dad, whenever they are both free, when DH was able and if DS expressed a wish too, if work got cancelled and exh suddenly had a free afternoon, then he would have him. I often did/do drop off or pick up to enable them to spend time together (exh doesnt take his car to work).

It worked really well for us, where fixed routine would either have meant DS didnt see his dad, or his earning capacity would have been sliced, both would have negavtively impacted on DS.