Need to tell something that really weighs on my mind but dont want a pasting

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

I posted this is Lone Parents but feel this is sort of home so will ask here too. gaaah

Ask away?

No one will paste you, this is relationships not AIBU. Go ahead and ask.

Yes, ask please.

Hope you are OK. I think you and I are just about the only ones 'round here who haven't name-changed!

Hi UA, I still love you.

getting tea on. will be back shortly havent gone away. love you too annie

I put it like this in Lone Parents. But feel a bit flamed now. i knew I would. Will puit it here anyway. I haven't explained it well. And of course i should be working - as someone on LP says 'how are you living day to day'
but I was working cleaning up until three months ago. I don't know. i knew saying i had money in the bank would get me into all sorts of shit. I can't wait til the money has run out actually which will be about two years of living so bloody frugally, then i will be on an even keel and ds will still only be 6.

like this:

have been thinking about how to explain it. When exH ran away (most posters wont remember but some may do) he too all our money - drained our joint bank account up to its ten thousand pound overdraft limit, transferred 30k from our joint savings account (though really it seemed like 'his' money as his father had left it to him - this is one of the problems i have with it all) and lef tme when i was jobless and ds was 6 months old.

However, he walked away with, yes 40 or fiftyk but he left me what we had - ie a house worth 250k and we had a rented-out cottage, which I eventually sold. made no profit but got the deposit back. So i have a few thousand savings.

But I am 48 next year and ds is 4. H went to Thailand and I was utterly fucked as anyone who might remember the thread will know.

but my problem is, yes, i have this money in the bank. I'm not working as I am stuffed frankly emotionally and dont know what the hell I'm doing.
His family blame me because I know they think I somehow 'screwed' him financially so they have nothing to do with us.

ExH had a lot of sex with prostitutes on the mkoney then got married and is living a very nice life in thailand with his bnurmese wife and prob more chidlren. i really dont know.

The thing is, there was never any financial sdettlement from the marriage as i only managed to divorce him on the strength of a one line email. But If there had been a settlement then I probably would have been left with less ' money in the bank' but he would have seen ds if things were normal - shared loving and raising him, shared the financial input etc. I know I have money in the bank and lots of people tell me i am lucky for this. But I dont feel lucky for it. Its a thing that makes me feel really shit.

Yes it could be worse. I could really not have anything and I dont actually know how I would survive without it as i am spending it. But i did work for 20 years and I supported him so much financially.

He sent me the most awful text a couple of years ago telling me i should slice off my cellulite and fucking choke on it. abusive. but then I have 'his' money. I dont know what I am trying to say actually.

I feel a fraud as i have the cottage money. But my son is 4 and I face a lifetime of having to pay for everything. But maybe maybe fuck I dont know what maybe actually.

OK, would it help to get someone who kknows about this stuff to work out what you are actually entitled to from him? I assume he's not paying maintenance - so his 'share' of the coyttage can offset that. Plus it sounds like he (and maybe his family) have abused you and made you feel pretty worthless.

lol. i can never get anytthing from him for my son as he is in thailand. No court on earth can make him do anything. and his family? well they think I made him go to thailand i suppose. They have nothing to with us. My gorgeous boy is a non-nephew and a non-grandson.
Lovely.

Now hold on..... Where was the flaming? It was me who asked how you live day to day, money wise, as I assumed with savings you wouldn't be entitled to benefits, no child maintenance seems to be coming in and you aren't working. How is that a flaming? Can someone check the lp post and tell me?

UA, I remember your story (and have name changed since then ).

I was going to go along the lines, 'It's OK you just had your share' but actually that's probably not the point.

This guy flew away from his family and his son. He took all he could take with him. The savings and the overdraft! He was leaving you in a very difficult position financially as there might be some assests in the houses but it is obvioulsy not easily accessible.
He choose to run away. He choose not to get anything from the house and the cottage and to leave you dealing with it. He choose not to see his son and rebuilt his life somewhere else. He choose not to take that money away with him (and if he had wanted, he could have done so).

So why do you feel guilty? You didn't rob him, act manicioulsy, hide assets or take things that weren't yours.

Some of that money had been given to him by family. It happens in a relationship. Again totally normal and it is also normal that it is becoming 'family' money and not his or yours after a while. You have recieved some 'family' money out of your settlement. Your exH deided not to act on this subject when you asked for divorce. He could ave done. He didn't. Don't worry about it and put it to good ude to raise your ds.

Littlest you're right. i dont get benefits and i dont get child support or maintenance. I feel shit because i have to keep using the savings to top up my shit earnings. i work the hours but earn nothing and I am terrified as if I didnt have the ability to top- up each month i really would be in debtors prison by now.

But if I didnt have the top up would i actually be working back up to my full potential? no probably not. Its a mess. I wish he would return to this country and sort out a proper financial settlement. But then I dont actually as he would never stick to it, totally unreliable sexual pervert etc. Forget it. prob shouldnt have started this.

What OnlyForMe said...

I do remember your "back story" all too well. I suspect this is about you wishing that your DS had a normal relationship with his father and ILs. You could give the money "back" but I don't think it would change how they are with your DS. It must be tempting to look for a reason (the money?) for thee behaviour but they're probably just shits. Sorry.

You need the money to raise your son. Why not enjoy it too?

Thee behaviour? Their behaviour...

And, millions of people get "top-ups" from benefits. Yours is just privately funded...

If you're very uncomfortable about it, could you put it in trust for your DS?

UA. It's OK.

The LAST thing you want is that disgusting sick bastard in the same time zone as you.

Know that IF he could have taken that money from you before he fucked off to Bangland, he would have done. We ALL know that if he could have emptied your fridge too, he would have done.

they say Karma has a funny way of biting you on the arse. Well consider this HIS Karma.

Your DS will need educating, feeding and nurturing. HE won't do it, his FAMILY won't do it. Work out how much money it would be for someone like him to pay out through the CSA and how much it would then total by the time your boy finishes education.

Take that out of what is in your savings account and you're hardly going to be rolling in it.

Don't for a second think anything but disgust for that man. Don't look back.

Your time will come. When your gorgeous boy is 5 he will be at school full time, you will have much more time and will have healed much more to get yourself out there and back up to nearer your full potential.

You can do this. In fact you ARE already doing it... so carry on! it'll get easier!

Hi UA I remember your history and how amazingly you got through it and put your son above everything.

You didn't take the money out the bank, stuff it in a suitcase, buy him a ticket and force him to get on a plane. Even if you had tried this he could have said no DS comes first. He didn't, he chose to do what he did

His family brought him up with this attitude, probably what made him the way he is and they are screwy too. They have to say it is your fault because anything else in the slightest would mean they would have to look much closer at themselves, your ex and all of their behaviours. That would not be a very pretty mirror too look into and they are never going to do it.

You ex must have known about the divorce (how could he have married again otherwise?) he chose not to come back to the UK to screw you over for the rest. Thank heaven for small mercies!!!

Anyone who tries to blame you for doing the best you can for your child isn't worthy of a second of your time, energy or emotions.

You sound very confused and raw about it all. Can you get any counselling? Or take up boxing or something to work off the negativity.

You are doing your best, ex and his fuckwit family are not worth shit. To be honest your son is better off with out nasty people like this in his life (look how their bringing up his dad turned out).

You are not wasting the money on drink and men you are bringing up your child. See it as your ex's contribution as he as given diddly squat in any other aspect.

/hugs

thankyou hissy. Nail on the head. you are right on target re the sums.

but I feel shit for thinking about it mathematically like that.

I have been super-strong amazonian since he flew to bangland (apart from first 4 months when I went to pieces) but ds was 4 three weeks ago and is now very sure about what he wants and I have become so much weaker.
the money will run out. I am trying to get myself together ina whole new way. crafting, doing, refurbishing, drills and sandpaper. loving that. but I am no good at it yet.

Bleurgh. thankyou

Lovely messages. thankyou. amazed anyone remembers the story really.

It's funny. ds had his first sleepover ever on friday and it's the first night he has been away from me --- since he was removed by SS for two nights after exh left and I wasn't coping. he was 7 months then. i just dont know what to do. I am moving house - on market and going to go back to a city as there's nothing here. actually when I get there I can maybe use some of the 'money' to do a course or two.

Thinking out loud now but feeling doubly bad and sad becauyse ds has asked loads about his dad the last few days - making cards for mums and dads at pre-school etc. He has become melancholy and crying saying 'I wish my daddy had stayed' but he doesnt remember his dad at all and I dont know where that comes from. gah. i just say 'daddy was naughty and he wasnt a good dad and he knew I could do the job of bnoth os us' but fuckit actually i dont know what to say as he is like bloody einstein.

UA - I remember your story. I've also name changed.

You need a lot more support and to appreciate how brilliant you are to have survived all this. Use the money, Christ you've been through so bloody much you should use it for what will improve you and your DS' life.

I second the counselling and boxing.

The money won't run out in a year.

You didn't fall apart. You are still here and you are getting through. Your goal is to get yourself up and running for when he's starting school.
1 - you will need to keep busy, it's a wrench when they go to school.
2 - you will have the time to devote much more effort paid work.

Whatever you have to do, you can do. You know this.

You are not weak either love, you are a mother, these little blighters are master manipulators. Even if you are not a LP, you would feel the same as this. Every mother does! My DS is 6 next week.... I want, I want, I want is the tip of the iceberg. Our job is to know when to say yes and when to say no. The only difference is that there is only US to say no or yes and we get ALL the pressure.

Where that sick perve of an Ex is concerned, don't think badly of yourself at all. The ends justifies the means. Even if he wanted to come and take that money, he'd have to make an arrangement with you about future maintenance, so either way he'd end up with exactly what he deserves, which is FUCK ALL.

Anyone who knows even a paragraph of your story would support you in keeping the money. He took everything from you and in the worst way. he is entitled to precisely nothing. Not even the steam off your pee!

Who was it that said 'Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'?

Oh and ANYONE who is less than 100% supportive of you? Send em to me! I've not tried BOXING, but I'll have a bloody good go!

UA I remember your story, and this is just a seasonal name change

You should not be feeling guilty. I don't care how you came about your small financial "cushion", which as you say, is dwindling with time anyway

If your exP was paying as he should be, it would be appropriately levelled and index-linked

but he isn't..you have a son to support and you have to do it with the resources you have, you know you will never get anything from him in the future

please don't worry about what his family thinks ...they have their own agenda

I am a massive supporter of you, and you have been nothing but honest xx