DH diagnosed with cancer but needy MIL really getting to me.

[alana39]

DH has been diagnosed with renal cancer this week - small chance the tumour is benign but won't know until it is removed and anyway the likelihood is that it's malignant.

DH is very up and down - he's very emotional anyway and I am more pragmatic so we are managing while waiting for date for surgery.

He has a very difficult relationship with his mother - from reading a bit on here I would say she fits the mould of toxic parent. A couple of weeks ago she put the phone down on him over some pointless thing and hasn't spoken to him since. He has left 3 messages since getting his diagnosis, all asking her to call back urgently. She only phoned today, and didn't even ask to speak to him, instead insisting on talking to all the DCs. Eventually I told her she needed to talk to DH and now she is very upset, phoning back every 15 mins (so that's 5 calls in a day now) and has told me how upset she is that her "baby" has cancer.

DH has gone out to avoid the calls - any one got any advice on how I should handle her? I have told her he was very upset she didn't call back / didn't ask to talk to him.

Is there any point in getting embroiled in discussions with her? I have watched her swing between loving and indifferent towards him for do long that I have little patience with her bit feel for her being upset about this.

Sorry, this is a bit long winded I know. Any advice would be appreciated.

Maybe while he is out you can just say that she needs to cut the crap and support him. Properly support him, like helping look after DCs while you can concentrate on DH. Not the 'my baby' calls, tell her how they are making him feel, he doesn't need to deal with her emotions now, he will have enough dealing with his own.

If she can't support you (in a way that you can agree on) then ask her just to back off. That doesn't mean stop contact, but limit it so that DH can cope with her when he is well enough too.

All the best for your DH too, I hope you get a surgery date soon. Maybe also post on the health section too, as you might get varied responses on both boards which can help.

Jeez i'm so sorry you're going through all this - it's not easy.

Normally I'd say that a mum would of course be upset about her son but tbh it sounds like she only started to care when you called her on her behaviour - is she toxic with you or does she put on a front?

Your priority atm I think is to help protect him from his mother - from her attitude it looks like she is only going to make him feel worse. Could you take the phone off the hook, or block her number on his phone? You both have enough to deal with without her causing problems to top.

How are you bearing up yourself? How are the dc's?

first, sorry to hear about your dh's diagnosis.

I think you need to prepare yourself for her not changing and, if anything, her behaviour escalating during this difficult time. She's likely to only see this in terms of 'her'.

Get a plan in place for you and dh to cope with her. Set boundaries, stick to them. The last thing you need right now is a toxic mother draining your energies. If there is anything she can usefully do and would do with good grace then ask, otherwise, batten down the hatches and focus on you, dh and your dcs.

Good luck

Thanks for your replies.

Reindeer she lives abroad which I am usually grateful for but of course she is talking about coming over which would just be awful. Her visits are usually pretty painful anyway but with this

Bluddy I think you're probably right, he can never do anything right. Nor can I. Still hard though (my family very easy going so even after years of marriage I still feel a hit clueless).

Trust me, as someone who already has cancer, he needs consistency and not this woman's erratic ego. If it were me, I will tell her to get over herself, be a better person - of stay away. The two of you are very vulnerable right now. You need good strong people around you.

I am wishing your OH a good prognosis. But keep talking here, if it helps.

mrs she's unpredictable with me, I try not to engage too much because she offend picks up on one thing someone says and months later it's thrown back at you. I am bland with her!

Snoop I know she won't change, think DH has accepted that in his mind but still hopes for better.

DCs are ok, have told them he'll need an op but not that it's cancer - oldest is 8 and understands it's a disease in his kidney but trying to downplay it a bit as the prognosis is reasonably good, as far as these things go.

What a difficult time for you all.
As your MIL is so clearly emotionally manipulative, I think I would lay down the ground rules immediately.
Make it implicitly clear to her that you expect everyone to be positive and supportive to your DH, that HE is your only concern at this time, and that anyone who proves to be a drain on him, or a nuisance will be blocked from contact with him by you.
Explain that you understand her shock and worry, but that you expect her to step up as his mother and support him in any way he needs.

She won't like it, but some of it may sink in.

I think clarifying that you will be setting the tone will be difficult initially, but you are being a good wife, and that is more important than being a seething DIL - and you need as little extra pressure as you can get right now.

All the best to you all xx

Oh fuck no, don't let her come over - are you in a position to put your foot down with her? I'd imagine it would be very stressful for your dh to tell her to stay away.

thanks punk, that's what I feel too - it's not that I'm not scared too but I have seen both my parents come through cancer treatment in the last 2 years and so I am able to be optimistic. I suppose that's just me really, whereas DH is scared he won't see his children grow up.

Hope you are ok.

Sorry- in a position to put your foot down blandly?

DH has told her he doesn't want her to cone - that was the last thing they talked about before he took the DCs out.

She would be your worst nightmare as a visitor. Have seen this before when her brother was I'll, spent all the time complaining about stuff that only she was bothered about.

Not convinced she will listen to DH so I will try to put foot down.

I am quite able to say this to her, but sadly I'm not sure she will listen.

No more mr bland guy I guess!

Yep - it doesn't matter what shit other people are going through, the effect it has on her is of paramount importance

Does dh have any siblings? If so could they be your go-between when information needs to be disseminated? Or could a member of your family keep her up to date so that you don't have to really speak to her? Or coyld yoy email her updates? I know it seems that i'm just suggesting minimal telephone contact but i'm just wondering how to reduce the stress on you and dh.

And bland is perfectly fine under normal circumstances!

No he's an only child. My parents are very tolerant of her but she doesn't like them, so probably down to me but I will think about emailing.

Could really do without having to worry about her but if she goes off on one it will just give DH more to get upset NY.

Thanks everyone for the replies, this is so helpful.

Remember to remind her that the priority is your husband right now, and he comes first and she needs to take a back step with regards to thinking it is all about her and what she wants.

Oh god, your poor dh - being an only child of a toxic parent is so tough, I'm glad though that she is abroad but I know that's not much comfort at the moment.

I don't know if it would be of any help but could you make a mental or written list of things she might say or situations that might come up? That way you could have a think about how best to react to them rather than being caught off guard. I've done this in the past with my pils, if this is something that might help i can honestly say that I should have done a written list (i had panic attacks overthinking situations) but i think it depends very much on what sort of personality you have.

Well they finally had a long talk and while I don't know what she will do, she didn't mention coming over again.

I am in the doghouse with her for talking about her behaviour. No change there then. This is usually the kind of thing that sparks a long period of no communication from here but I don't think she will do that given that her son is ill so will be interesting to see what happens next.

Hopefully he'll get short notice for his op, as it's urgent, and she won't have time to get over at least until after he comes home.

Hes her son shes allowed to be upset

Of course usualsuspect I don't have a problem with that. Showing no interest in her son much of the time though makes it difficult for him to cope with her generally.

Blocking her out and refusing her calls is cruel imo

I do feel for you though ,must be very difficult

We don't block her out. She often goes weeks without returning calls then has a run of phoning several times a week. If she gets really angry she has been known to phone in the middle of the night, or be very abusive, or just put the phone down mid conversation and then go silent for weeks.

DH doesn't want to block her out but she is very difficult to deal with at the best of times. And now is not a good time.