DH diagnosed with cancer but needy MIL really getting to me.

[alana39]

DH has been diagnosed with renal cancer this week - small chance the tumour is benign but won't know until it is removed and anyway the likelihood is that it's malignant.

DH is very up and down - he's very emotional anyway and I am more pragmatic so we are managing while waiting for date for surgery.

He has a very difficult relationship with his mother - from reading a bit on here I would say she fits the mould of toxic parent. A couple of weeks ago she put the phone down on him over some pointless thing and hasn't spoken to him since. He has left 3 messages since getting his diagnosis, all asking her to call back urgently. She only phoned today, and didn't even ask to speak to him, instead insisting on talking to all the DCs. Eventually I told her she needed to talk to DH and now she is very upset, phoning back every 15 mins (so that's 5 calls in a day now) and has told me how upset she is that her "baby" has cancer.

DH has gone out to avoid the calls - any one got any advice on how I should handle her? I have told her he was very upset she didn't call back / didn't ask to talk to him.

Is there any point in getting embroiled in discussions with her? I have watched her swing between loving and indifferent towards him for do long that I have little patience with her bit feel for her being upset about this.

Sorry, this is a bit long winded I know. Any advice would be appreciated.

There is a big difference between contact finding out how her son is and contact doing the "woe is me" thing. I'm sure Alana has no problem with the former and will do as much as she can to keep her informed but it's not ok to expect Alana and her dh to comfort his mother in this situation. Her needs are not more important than his, everything should be done to help dh now - he doesn't need the stress.

I take my hat off to you Alana! I really do. You seem prepared to do anything in your power (including being put in the doghouse) to care for and protect your DH. You have demonstrated by your actions that you are married to your DH and your priorities lie in that relationship...if that makes sense.
I also think you have an amazing capacity for tolerance of your MIL...again hat, off!
I hope the results are in your favour. All the best

How are you all doing Alana?

We're ok thanks mrs. Have outpatients at end of week so just waiting really, which is hard.

MIL calmed down eventually on Saturday so maybe she actually listened to DH's pleas for no visit and less hysterics. Mind you, she has just turned up out of the blue before so we will just have to wait and see...

Well thank god she calmed down a bit - waiting is hell but it would be even worse with hwr hysterics. If she does turn up is there a local b&b she could be directed to? (my uncle and gran used to do this - grrr - you have my sympathy!)

Take good care and keep posting if you feel up to it - MNers are so supportive, they've got me through loads! Keeping my fingers crossed that your appt goes well x

Just wondered if any of you who helped me with this before Christmas are around - or anyone else with advice.

DH went in today for his operation - we'd discussed how we'd do things and decided he'd go on his own as he won't be back on the ward until the evening, so a bit difficult to visit with 3 DC on a school night. We'll all go in tomorrow when school have agreed they can leave early to do an afternoon visit.

MIL turned up despite being asked not to come until after - said she wanted to be in town to help.

DH asked that she didn't visit until the day after the op - she is still going to pieces about the whole thing despite her history of not talking to him, or being unpleasant to him, whenever she feels like it.

So he arrived at hospital earlier - to find she was already there. He has asked her to go and come back tomorrow as agreed but she won't. He is furious and upset that she's not listening to him. He wants to wait on his own, thinking / reading / preparing himself whatever, but now has her talking constantly / being upset.

I don't really know what I'm asking, just feels useful to write it down as I'm not there to be any help and feeling a bit wobbly myself.

Phone the ward and explain the situation-they can make some excuse about tests needing done and no visitors prior to surgery etc....

I have done it when l worked in the wards.

Good luck

Oh Alana, i 'm sorry - you really dont need this do you?

I have no words of wisdom but didnt want to read and run.

Could your dh perhaps ask a nurse to help him extracate himself? you know - kinda ,"he needs his rest, tests to be done pre-op" etc and then usher her out of the door/ward/building! Am sure nursing staff would want to keephim calm and prepared for his own benefit. Will be thinking of you all tonight and keeping my fngers crossed for a positive outcome

oops xpost - took too long typing!
good luck

Thanks everyone, he's just called and said he's been taken to the ward (was in a waiting area to be properly admitted before) so has managed to escape. I will remind him that he can tell ward staff that he's had enough if she does try to install herself at his side.

Hope all goes well Alana.Much love to you and your family....... not to nutjob MIL. though. Mx.

Speak to the ward staff and get her banned if necessary.

He really does not need this now.

Her behaviour sounds beyond awful - all about her.

Wishing your DH all the best for the op and a speedy all-clear.

alana

If your DH's mother is indeed a toxic parent (and I note from your initial post that theri relationship is very difficult) she will disregard anything you and your DH care to say to her. Its all about her you see; she sounds narcissistic in terms of personality.

She needs to be barred from the ward; the nursing staff should be able to assist you here.

Longer term I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

I hope your DHs operation goes well for you both.

Thanks for your replies, DH is still not back on the ward so I definitely won't be going in until tomorrow. Wondering if MIL is still sitting there waiting though...

It's hard to keep perspective when you're dealing with someone like MIL so sometimes I'm not sure if my gut instincts are right.

Atilla thanks for book rec.

Alana, may I suggest that you at least alert the ward staff that DH's relationship with his mother is difficult and request that if she DOES visit him the visit should be monitored? I'm sure that if she does anything to distress him post surgery they would then remove her immediately. Let them do the banning as it were.

best of luck xx hope all goes well

Can you tell her that you will contact her with at a particular time each day, where you will be able to tell her properly, and will have full information etc. perhaps she will be less bothersome if she knows that you will call her and give her all news at a particular time?

She will turn up at the hospital as and when she feels like it so do let the ward staff know to consult with dh as to whether he feels up to seeing her that day or not.

Well MIL did indeed stay at the hospital all day. Stupidly when she phoned to say DH was ok (she must have waited outside theatres because I had phoned the ward several times and he still wasn't back) I told her he was upset by her refusal to listen. I really must stop trying to make her see reason, I know it is pointless, and just made me feel sad about the whole situation with her relationship with DH and me.

She then sat by his bed when he got back to the ward even though he asked her to go again. I don't feel I can just call the ward and ask them to remove her as I haven't been there myself but if she still refuses to listen tomorrow when I will be there with the DCs, I will talk to the staff.

At least tomorrow DH should feel a bit more human. And visiting time is now over so she must have had to go.

Your husband needs to decide if he really doesn't want to see her. If this is the case he needs to make this clear to the nurses. I'm surprised he told her when his op was given her history and didn't tell her the week later. He needs to stop asking her to go and start telling the nurses that he wants her to go if she ignores him.

What unbelievably selfish behaviour on the part of your MIL. I hope your DH's operation went okay and you get some good news soon - but one way or another he needs to recuperate properly, and I hope you can find a way to get her out of the hospital without having to cause a scene.

that's awful

On the other hand, is their the remotest chance that this has made her rethink her relationship,with her son, and she is regretting her erstwhile behaviour? Could this be the start of a new and better relationship?

I'd like to think so Jux but one of the biggest problems is her refusal to listen to him / falling out when he doesn't what she wants, and DH just sees this as more of the same.

If she does want to improve their relationship she needs to listen to his wishes for a change.