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Original poster

DP will not let me use a vibrator during sex

72 replies

KissMyA · 09/12/2011 13:08

Sorry about this but it is friday!

Been together 3 years. I used a vibrator (a little bullet type one, not a big willy shaped one) a couple of times to help me along and he didn't like it even though it was his idea!

To quote him, he said 'how am I supposed to compete with that' well, it's not really about competing but it helps me as I cannot orgasm through penetration alone. He was completely Hmm when I told him this.

He doesn't really want me to use it alone either as he said I'll get used to it and won't enjoy sex with him as much.

I've told him I really couldn't give two hoots if he doesn't like it, I'm using it on my own. I want to bring it back into the bedroom as he doesn't spend much time on me.

Any advice? I'm thinking of buying him 'She Comes First' for Christmas.

OP posts:
Leverette · 09/12/2011 13:13

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tigermoll · 09/12/2011 13:22

Using sex toys together is meant to be a fun way for you both to enjoy yourselves. Not a way to make up for him 'not spending enough time' on you.

He is being reasonable to say that he doesn't want the vibrator to be part of your sex sessions. He is being unreasonable to say you can't use the vibrator when you're alone. He doesn't get jurisdiction over your masturbation.

TBH, it sounds like you guys have got other issues to address, are you happy with your sex life/relationship?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/12/2011 13:31

keep the vibrator and ditch your boyfriend.

Men are Ok but you can't beat the real thing Grin

Flisspaps · 09/12/2011 13:33

Good on you for putting him straight. If he spent a little more time concentrating on you reaching orgasm without using the vibrator during sex, he'd have nothing to complain about.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/12/2011 13:33

if any boyfriend of mine said that to me i'd go out and buy myself the most humoungous vibrator i could and leave it on the bedside cabinet for use as a jewellry holder.

picnicbasketcase · 09/12/2011 13:40

So.. he won't take his time over you and make sure you've had a good time, but won't let you do anything to make it happen yourself?

What a selfish and paranoid git he sounds from this. Does he expect you to go in a frenzy of passion just by looking at him or something?

HappyHubbie · 09/12/2011 13:44

Poor lamb. Despite the outward confidence and bravado, we men are very fragile when it comes to certain things - driving (especially map reading) and sex. Anything which could be perceived as negative is taken as a criticism, and it hurts. By using a vibrator you're effectively saying "You're crap in bed because you have a tiny cock". Obviously you're not really saying that (otherwise you would replace him completely with willy-shaped one) but that's how he hears it.

Vibrators should be enjoyed as part of your sex life, either getting him to use it on you (which gives him a feeling of involvement / control that he's missing at the moment), or letting him watch while you do it. Most men find this a major turn on, but it depends how you introduce it - if he's been shagging away for hours giving it all his best moves (so he thinks) and you roll off and grab your little friend because he's not getting you there then I can see why he'd be a bit hurt. Perhaps if you introduce it (or the idea of it) at the start it becomes more of a mutual thing.

On the other hand Wink maybe he just needs to learn what his fingers & tongue are actually for ...

BluddyMoFo · 09/12/2011 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoll · 09/12/2011 13:49

What a selfish and paranoid git he sounds from this

This may very well be an accurate assessment, but all we know so far is:

-He felt that his partner using a vibrator during sex made him feel redundant (not an unusual/unreasonable way to feel)
and

  • he was surprised when his partner told him that she does not orgasm through penetration alone.

They have been together THREE YEARS. Has the OP just been 'putting up' with unsatisfying sex all this time? If she hasn't told her partner that the way he makes love doesn't do it for her and shown him what she does like, then its hardly his fault that he has kept doing what he's doing.

Let's put it another way:

My partner has a vibrating rubber fanny that he uses to wank with. I always thought that he was happy with our sex life, but recently he has been suggesting that he use it while we are in bed together. I said that I wouldn't be comfortable with that, and actually, I was beginning to feel insecure that he found my technique didn't live up to his mechanical pal. He hit the roof, told me that he didn't really like sex with me anyway, and that he was going to keep the vibrating fanny and if I wanted sex with him, I would have to get my head around it being a part of that.

Fair?

JeremyVile · 09/12/2011 13:53

Just typed something out - scrolled up, saw tigermoll's post and decided just to say: I agree with Tigermoll, absolutely!

Tigresswoods · 09/12/2011 13:55

Im sorry but can none of these respondees imagine this the other way around?

Ditch your girlfriend if she won't let u use a vibrator!

I don't think so.

Leverette · 09/12/2011 13:55

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Barreal · 09/12/2011 13:57

LOL@how I am supposed to compete with that.

Too funny.
Little bullet anecdote for you girls.
My guy is great, no worries in the sack, but, relatively recently in life, like last year, (I'm 43) I discovered vibrators..see how late I am...and wow, the orgasm with a V is just out of this world, different, both are great, but wow, there's no way I want to cease being able to play with the V.
Anyway, I sometimes live on a boat in Mexico, in the middle of a bay, in the boondocks, desert all around, as one does, and one time we had to borrow a friend's dinghy because my motor had broken..and the dinghy had an electric motor..which is silent...anyway, off he went one morning to go and get some shopping from land or something, and that morning I hadn't been interested in sex...no real reason,..but after he'd left I thought..hmmm..wouldn't mind a bit of V..and arghhhhhhhhhhhh..I got caught because he had forgot his truck keys and came back to the boat but I didn't hear him cos the motor on the dingy was silent.

I have never been so mortified in my entire life.
He thought it was really cool though...honey, I didn't know...let's use it whenever you want..and so on...sooooooooooo understanding..but I was sooooooooooo embarrassed.

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 13:59

But men wouldn't need a vibrator as they can usually (always) get off through penetration. Most women cannot, hence the invention of vibrators.

happyhubbie he has a large cock actually so that's not the problem, i just need stimulation throughout and he gets tired or caught up on himself. Thanks for a male perspective though. I will talk to him about using it mutually, he did before and seemed to not mind.

I have raised his selfishness before to him and he's better now but can relapse and this is when I want to bring my little bullet out.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 09/12/2011 14:01

Oh my Hmm

I must remember how much i fucking loathe sex toy threads.

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 14:04

Tigermoll I haven't just told him, he has known for a while. We have a nice sex life. I enjoy it. I just don't get 'there' as often as I would like, so I would like to bring in a v to help me along. If I wasn't getting my DP off, I would try my utmost To aid that. He, however, knows I don't come most times and doesn't seems to mind. Yet he doesn't like me using toys.

Fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 14:05

So why are you here Jeremy? The thread was titled very clearly

OP posts:
tigermoll · 09/12/2011 14:06

It seems like the problem you have is that a) your sex life with your partner isn't satisfying and b) he doesn't seem that bothered about you enjoying yourself.

A vibrator is not the way to solve this. It will just make your pleasure and his ever more separate things. I'm not saying that you shouldn't use one for solo masturbation, but it clearly isn't the answer to what's going on between you and your partner.

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 14:08

Yes, you are right tiger but I don't know how to solve this problem. How can you make someone care? I'm guessing you cannot. All the other men I have slept with have been the opposite so this is new for me, even after 3 years.

OP posts:
tigermoll · 09/12/2011 14:13

That is a real shame, - do you honestly think he doesn't care about your pleasure? If so, he is a selfish git (to quote Picnic) and I don't think there's much you can do about that.

I think if this is how he is after three years, he's unlikely to change. You say you do sometimes orgasm, so it isn't that he is unconfident/afraid/unadventurous, just that most of the time he can't be bothered. If he won't talk about it, and isn't happy for you take matters into your own hands then he seems a bit of a lost cause. Which is a shame.

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 14:14

Thanks leverette no he isn't controlling in any other ways. The other night I said that when we move the toy is coming back out seeing as you can't be arsed to get me off, he laughed.

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 14:16

I honestly don't know tiger it feels like sometimes he does care as he will give me attention after he's done, but it's never guaranteed. I wish it was consistent.

OP posts:
HappyHubbie · 09/12/2011 16:52

I may have misread you first time round, I've got less sympathy for him after your last post. IMO sex is finished when both of you have had all you want. If he won't make sure you're satisfied then there's no reason not to diy with your plastic friend, in that circumstance it's not replacing him as you've given him every chance to do the job properly himself.

He should want to make sure you're satisfied every time. If not then he's a selfish twat or there are other issues. But mostly I'm thinking he's a selfish twat.

BluddyMoFo · 09/12/2011 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 17:31

I don't know how I still want to bluddy but I do.

The more I read threads about how attentive other women's men are, the more depressed I get..

OP posts:
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