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Original poster

DP will not let me use a vibrator during sex

72 replies

KissMyA · 09/12/2011 13:08

Sorry about this but it is friday!

Been together 3 years. I used a vibrator (a little bullet type one, not a big willy shaped one) a couple of times to help me along and he didn't like it even though it was his idea!

To quote him, he said 'how am I supposed to compete with that' well, it's not really about competing but it helps me as I cannot orgasm through penetration alone. He was completely Hmm when I told him this.

He doesn't really want me to use it alone either as he said I'll get used to it and won't enjoy sex with him as much.

I've told him I really couldn't give two hoots if he doesn't like it, I'm using it on my own. I want to bring it back into the bedroom as he doesn't spend much time on me.

Any advice? I'm thinking of buying him 'She Comes First' for Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 17:32

He's coming over tonight, I know he's going to want to, Ive never rejected him before but maybe it's the only way to get through? If I keep doing it, he won't think anythings wrong

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 09/12/2011 17:39

"he won't think anythings wrong"

But that's the problem. He knows there is something wrong but chooses to dismiss it and have what amounts to a bout of inadequacy.

You need to make it crystal clear to him how important this is to you. And also make it clear his fears are unfounded.

OneHandFlapping · 09/12/2011 17:47

Use the vibrator on him, too, so it becomes more of a mutual thing.

bemybebe · 09/12/2011 17:47

what a dick
either he helps you climax or you take the matters in your own hands. everything else is selfish of him

i would not put up with anybody like that in my own bedroom

bemybebe · 09/12/2011 17:49

call your toy "deputy head" maybe it will bring the message that the toy is secondary to him... but I would be having a long think about long-term future tbh

good luck!

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 17:52

What if I have numerous times, sparks? I've written him a letter, spoken to him very frankly about it. He takes it all on board, becomes a very attentive lover but then a couple of months later it slowly starts slipping back.
It's hardly a turn on to have to tell someone to turn you on. What else can I do? Maybe ill just have to keep reminding him every few months? Maybe things will be better when we live together and we have our own space.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 09/12/2011 17:52

He feels threatened, if you don't come via penetration why can't he spend more time on oral sex until you come, or with his fingers?

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 17:53

Grin at deputy head

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 17:54

Can't remember the last time he went down on me, I think he did it because I said it's been ages, which isn't very sexy...

He uses his hands sometimes. Is there a class I can send him on or a book he can read?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 09/12/2011 17:55

I guess Im lucky in so far as I can come and always do at least five times. Through oral, manual or penetration. If i had sex where I didn;t come I'd not bother because it be pointless.

Men are supposed to make women come first before they do.

Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 17:58

Thanks for that fabby Xmas Envy

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyA · 09/12/2011 17:59

Any special tips/positions for penetration? It would help my life a lot

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 09/12/2011 18:00

If you've spoken to him numerous times and he keeps relapsing into a selfish lover then i think you need to question your suitability together.

You can only bang your head against a brick wall so many times. And as is his head isn't getting it done and he refuses alternatives i'd say you've reached an impasse.

buzzswellington · 09/12/2011 18:47

God no - don't think that if/when you live together it wil magically get better. It won't.

He'll have you more committed to the relationship, not less, and may well be even less inclined to put himself out a bit to give you pleasure. He can't be arsed now, so when he's got it on tap so to speak, he'll have even less motivation to bother.

Eurostar · 09/12/2011 18:56

Got to agree with buzz on that one (good name given this thread subject). Far more likely he will get more lazy, not less, when you live together

SolidGoldVampireBat · 09/12/2011 19:03

I'd dump him, to be honest. It's clear that when it comes to sex he thinks that your orgasm is considerably less important than his. That's a deep-rooted attitude, which is why he will only make a short-lived effort to improve his sexual performance.

Barreal · 09/12/2011 19:04

He rarely goes down on you!
Warning sign there.
He just wants to get his own rocks off.

bemybebe · 09/12/2011 19:06

agree with SolidGold Sad
my dh has never ever put his needs above mine in our bed and this attitude carries throughout all aspects of our relationship

FreyaoftheNorth · 09/12/2011 19:43

^God no - don't think that if/when you live together it wil magically get better. It won't.

He'll have you more committed to the relationship, not less, and may well be even less inclined to put himself out a bit to give you pleasure. He can't be arsed now, so when he's got it on tap so to speak, he'll have even less motivation to bother.^
This sort of attitude seems like an excellent reason not to move in with someone, at the very least.

Would be surprised if this sort of egotism / selfishness didn't start to manifest in other areas of life too.

buzzswellington · 09/12/2011 20:16

See, this is where I (almost) start to feel sorry for some of these lazy/selfish/cheating etc guys. Too often women seem to get in deeper and deeper with a bloke who doesn't quite fit the bill, but somehow they think living together or marriage or having a baby or just damn well loving him enough will transform him - he'll grow up or sort himself out. And years down the line their patience, endurance, love runs out (and no wonder) and that's it for him. But he hasn't changed from the beginning. Must be a hell of a surprise.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 09/12/2011 20:24

"he uses his hands sometimes"

sometimes?

What exactly does he do for your benefit when you sleep with him?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 09/12/2011 20:25

Didnt mean to italicise the "do" there... got a bit carried away!

AngryFeet · 09/12/2011 20:32

Not read all the replies but is he ok if you just masturbate yourslef during sex? I do this all the time as I can orgasm through penetration alone either and DH has quite rough fingers as he does a lot of hard labour at work. If he was unhappy with this I would be pissed off. Don't see why the vibrator should bother your DP really. Can you use it on him too? Push it against the shaft a bit on on his balls? Works wonders I have found Wink

molly3478 · 09/12/2011 20:49

TBH from what you have written he seems v selfish so he wont go down on you, doesnt bother making you orgasm, and wont let you use toys. Soz I would have ditched him after about 2 weeks!

molly3478 · 09/12/2011 20:50

Oh and what I would do is fuck him get him close and then jump off and pretend to go sleep, and I would do it until he got the message. I agree with fabby ladies should always come first