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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally feel ok about lack of romance and communication in "relationship" - is this normal??

51 replies

feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 10:11

Dh and I are not physically or verbally affectionate with each other and do not have a close communicative relationship. We also sleep separately. However I have come to the conclusion that he is not capable of relating in the way I would like nor does he have any desire to do so....

He is quite negative and cynical about stuff and prone to moaning and groaning (though more lighthearted where the kids are concerned) and being quite critical. For years this really upset me but somehow I have separated myself off from it and when he goes on like that I think about something else and it doesn't have the same impact on me. I really don't know why it seems to have ceased to have an impact on me. At other times we talk about what might be on TV or about the kids. It somehow seems ok.

There are stored resentments on both sides but after years of wishing he would be more affectionate and like and accept me more I have come to the conclusion that though I know what the good things about him are, in general I am not that interested in him any more.... I know every moany groany cynical and bossy reaction he is going to have and I am bored. Of course it is totally possible he feels the same way about me.

On the one hand I feel sad for both of us that we are not with people who really appreciate us (don't know how dh feels) but on the other hand we have a family life which is very important to both of us. So though I am sad that the kids do not have an affectionate relationship modelled for them, I can certainly work at it being civil and accepting....

I really would like a relationship where I can be emotionally open and where there is lots to talk about as well as physical affection but feel that it may be that after 16 years together (almost) maybe a lot of couples are like dh and I?

Maybe I can channel all that unused energy into something else??

Don't know what I am asking really but and wondering if anybody can relate?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 10:13

but am not but and!

OP posts:
Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 11:03

Actually scrub some of that, dh has just said one of his upsetting, rude things to me and actually I cannot believe I am with someone who obviously thinks so little of me and who disrespects me at the drop of a hat. When or how did I let that happen?? Sad. I do feel as above some of the time though!

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 09/12/2011 11:05

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Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 11:13

I feel the same way about the 16 years!! It wasn't always like this though it has always been very up and down.
I am with him because of the three children we have together and because I don't know to what I an extent I might have caused the problems between us.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 09/12/2011 11:22

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Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 13:34

I had to go out - sorry for not answering sooner.

If I express any of this to him he becomes angry and immediately points to all the things that I don't do well etc... etc... We can only have very superficial conversations as everything else is unsafe to talk about.

The children are 5, 7 and 10 and their whole world (well the younger two) revolves around life at home.

Can I ask if getting divorced was really hard? Also if being apart from your kids when they see their dad is hard? I am not in a position to instigate a separation at the moment as I don't have a job (as yet) and the house for example, is all dh's... It also feels as if I have fix everything I do "wrong" before I can be justified in separating but I never seem to get around to doing that (house much tidier for example). I can live with dh but it is not very joyful (between h and I) but somehow maybe that is ok as long as the kids feel loved and protected and can be with both their parents at once?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 13:36

sorry, too many "buts"

It seems unfair to make kids' world implode when in reality I CAN live with dh, it's just that our relationship is very limited but after all I did have three kids with him so ....... I know this doesn't apply at all in many other situations and I can very well understand why people separate but I feel that I am ok in many ways and god knows what my life might turn into and how acrimonious a divorce might be........

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RumourOfAHurricane · 09/12/2011 13:51

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oranges · 09/12/2011 13:56

Children learn about relationships from their parents too, so ask yourself if you would like your children to have a marriage like yours when they are grown? If they think its normal, its what they will accept.

buzzswellington · 09/12/2011 16:58

If you're married the house & any other assets aren't all your dh's.

CailinDana · 09/12/2011 18:21

It sounds like you have a miserable life. I don't think any child would thank you for that.

LittleGingerbreadHouse · 09/12/2011 19:07

If I express any of this to him he becomes angry and immediately points to all the things that I don't do well etc... etc... We can only have very superficial conversations as everything else is unsafe to talk about

That sounds very unpleasant to live with and smacks of abuse. Have you checked out the Abuse Support thread and the links on there? You sound as though you are living with the enemy. Trust me, life without the constant vigilance and apprehension is way better.

Don't stay!

Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 20:52

Hi, thx for the messages. I agree that in the long term, grown up children might say that they would rather their parents had separated, but I don't think young children ever want that. Every day my two daughters (not so much my ds as he is less demonstrative) tell me they love me and at the moment all I can wonder is how much would they love me if I was the reason they don't get to see their dad every day or how much would they miss me if I am not able to be with them every day and whenever they need me Sad.
Dh does have a bullying side to his nature but I have done my own damage to the relationship so I can't see the wood for the trees as it were. It is true that I am not my full self when dh is around and I do wonder what I might discover about myself and be able to achieve if I were single, but on the other hand I think I might terribly regret putting myself in a situation where I am on my own and not able to see my children every day. So the dilemma goes round and round in my head.

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Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 20:54

I just don't like him that much Sad Sad.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 09/12/2011 20:56

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QueenCess · 09/12/2011 21:06

You could share the house and co- parent as housemates but both pursue your own interests outside.

Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 21:13

I agree that divorce and separation are normal. Someone on mumsnet suggested that marriage should be a renegotiable contract and I really really agree with that as you would have a get out clause without all the hassle and pain of divorce (not saying it wouldn't be painful but maybe a bit less unexpected) and also a "written in" opportunity to discuss things. I know children are adaptable and I think both dh and I have reason to more or less trust the other's parenting and know that the children would be ok when with the other parent. However, if dh and I can hardly talk about anything now, I can't see us co-parenting well from either side of the divorce fence as it were. I think dh might become very cold and uncooperative. I have fears that he might try to push me out of the childrens' lives.
I just don't know how much I would find problems with anybody in my life and how much dh and are indeed unsuited.

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Original poster
feelokaboutit · 09/12/2011 21:14

hi queencess - yes I agree but we would have to discuss that and agree first and I cannot tell you the level to which I find my h impossible to talk to. He very quickly resorts to sarcasm and anger.

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almostgrownup · 09/12/2011 21:47

You talk about channeling unused energy - that sounds like a good idea. What about something that gets you out of the family, a job or signing up for a course perhaps? Then your dh's voice won't be the only adult voice you hear every day. If you can find a way to be a little happier and relaxed in yourself then he might become less nasty and critical as a knock-on effect.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 09/12/2011 22:05

If he's a woman-hating bully, which is what he sounds like, the more your DDs grow up and begin to develop into people, the more likely he is to bully them as well. Abusive critical men generally hate women even if they can be nice to children; such men get really toxic towards their DDs as the DDs get old enough to have and express their own opinions.

piellabakewell · 09/12/2011 22:36

feelokaboutit, reading your post was like being back in my old life. this is my post when I started to feel as you do now. Three years later I have two happy, successful daughters, my own house, enough money to get by and everyday I have plenty to smile about. I feel free. I'm also one year into a loving relationship with a wonderful man, which is fantastic, but even if I hadn't met him I would still be happy.

Your life isn't over but it sounds like your relationship is.

QueenCess · 09/12/2011 23:30

Writing to him is a good idea especially if he gets the message away from home so he has time to process it. It may take the sting out of it and move this situation on.

BerylStreep · 09/12/2011 23:40

FeelOK - you're not alone.

BerylStreep · 09/12/2011 23:59

piella, I read the thread you linked to. I really admire your guts and bravery.

RosemaryandThyme · 10/12/2011 00:00

If you had a way to get out would you take it ?

At the moment your measuring current pain (lets say 6 out of 10) with perceived pain of not seeing children daily (lets say 9 out of 10), but it might be that the 9 you imagine would only be a 4 or 5 when you have your own place, interesting job, hobbies to follow and mates to see at the weekend - then it might be nice sometimes to know that the children are having fun wiht their Dad while you ahve a nice time too.