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Original poster

Was it all too easy?

96 replies

Wabbit · 08/12/2011 23:48

I've just split up with my partner of 4 years. We didn't have a tempestuous or angst ridden relationship - there were inequalities and money/equal contributions were the major issue for me. I was also just fed up with his inability to commit to me by not asking me to marry him.

I helped support him through the last three years of studying for a Masters degree - he's just gone back to his old job and hates it and wouldn't just take it on the chin - it's a means to an end - very good money and he should be grateful in the current climate that he didn't have to trawl through interviews month in month out to get a job - let alone a good one.

So, it happened this way... I went to a residential group relations conference for 8 days last month and whilst I was there fell madly in love with another delegate. It hit me so hard I just couldn't resist it, I have never felt this way for any other man since I first fell (blindly) in love at the age of 19.

I thought I really needed my partner, but found that he was preventing me from engaging with all of my capabilities - in work, in my private life, in my internal world. I had stopped being ME.

When my man and I left each other at the conference we set a boundary - that we would not contact each other, but go back to our homes and take up where we left off.

It felt so awful, I was emotionally numb driving all the way to my sisters where I stopped the night and told her all about falling in love so deeply.

The back to how it was plan was just not possible, I didn't have the same eyes any more and could no longer look on my partner with love.

The same was felt by my new love. So much so that when I returned home I had 3 emails, and found out that he had immediately told his wife that he had fallen in love with another woman.

I knew I had to do the same but it took me three weeks to find the right words, we had become so adept at avoiding eachother, I actually had to 'book' time in the evening with exP to create a moment to speak alone and at length.

So I told him what had happened, he said that he knew something had happened and that he had been thinking for the last few months that we should have a 'trial separation' to see how we still felt about eachother - He said it could just as easily have been him that had fallen in love outside our relationship and that he would leave the next day - which he did.

So, why was it so easy? ExP is making big efforts to continue to be a father figure for my son and still loves him dearly. I cannot fault his behaviour towards me, he has even helped financially this month (which I normally have to ask him to do... like begging)

I know he feels love for me - he said so, I also know that we are not destined to be together.

My new man has started marriage guidance counselling with his wife and the outcome of separation has already been decided. His wife though still holds hope that his love will be rekindled.

We have not seen each other since the conference but have constant communication on the phone and by e-mail... he lives abroad and it will be a long road to our being together. Years probably before we can live together because of his children and our careers.

I had to write this out, not so much because I need some help with what I feel is a problem, but to ask if any of you have had an experience like this?

My dominant emotions are of hope and freedom... love and excitement...

OP posts:
autumnflower · 09/12/2011 23:11

this is the theory, Houdini, but in reality (and as been discussed on MN many times), men extremely rarely leave marriage unless they are motivated by a new partner, be it the prospect of freedom with many partners, or love for one woman. Call them weak, but men aer rarely ready to leave the security and habit of marriage and be suddenly alone (I obviously mean marriage that's not satisfying for them). Women (like yourself) are more likely to just leave and be alone, than men, but also many have at least a crush first to spur them on. Bad or not, but the reality is like that. Marriage should be afree choice - with a soulmate, otherwise you could almost expect it to end at some point. In case of OP it could be either lies, OR two bad relationships are ending. WE don't know, so I can't see why everyone is trying to crush OP completely.

buzzswellington · 09/12/2011 23:16

I think it's her turn of phrase: 'made his heart available to me' makes me want to chunder. Grin

HoudiniHissy · 09/12/2011 23:18

Because she knows he is married and is still pursuing it. This is a Forum for parents, mostly mums, many are wives.

On this topic, the usual threads are either the devastation of infidelity, or abuse.

Where a woman rocks up here and professes true love for another woman's husband after a week, then there WILL be a bun fight.

I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of this thread. i wonder if sock puppets are being used tbh.

Just because a bloke often can't do things right and end something before he fucks someone else doesn't mean it's right. Nor should it ever be.

There needs to be serious social education here. One that a marriage is an equal partnership and can be dissolved if need be, and Two that women do not have to put up with betrayal, abuse or being treated as objects to have a man in their lives.

Where IS the self respect?

buzzswellington · 09/12/2011 23:18

Oh and that too. Grin

HoudiniHissy · 09/12/2011 23:18
perplexedpirate · 09/12/2011 23:20

Yes mills and boon do still 'churn out that shit', and very lucrative it is too.
You couldn't do it though, far too saccharin and far-fetched.

HTH

autumnflower · 09/12/2011 23:25

well, quite a lot of married women have flings or fall in love too, it's not that one sided, though I'm sure it's not 50-50. It's just women are more self sufficient than men when the marriage is bad, and she decides to be on her own, partly because women tend to have better support networks and are more communicative and ready to ask for support. Also normally children stay with the mother which makes it harder for a man to leave a marriage without a strong emotion elsewhere.

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 09/12/2011 23:32

Can I join the Shock at "made his heart available"? What does that even mean?

HoudiniHissy · 09/12/2011 23:33

Dunno Jingle, but I'll budge up on the VomBucket...

autumnflower · 09/12/2011 23:38

means OP's current partner had his heart closed to her, this one was responsive emotionally, not just sexually, why is that such an invalid thing to say? taking the piss doesn't help, it sent OP into silence.

FairstiveGreetings · 09/12/2011 23:39

I went to a residential group relations conference for 8 days last month and whilst I was there fell madly in love with another delegate. It hit me so hard I just couldn't resist it

How can you fall madly in love in 8 days! To love someone you have to know them, including their 'faults'. Otherwise, what is it that you love?

I have never felt this way for any other man since I first fell (blindly) in love at the age of 19

Well now you've fallen (blindly) in love again haven't you.

I really think you should take some time to be on your own and talk to a counsellor about your relationships and your perception of love. There is a very good chance that this man has taken advantage of the fact that you are vulnerable to suggestion.

If he told you he loved you when he had only known you one week you should ask yourself the same question. What is it he loves about you? Does he trust you not to cheat on him. Do you trust him? Because the only thing you know for sure about his behaviour is that he will cheat on his wife.

I think the reason it's been too easy is that it is not over yet. Once you face the facts and confront them you may start to feel some of that pain. If not, then you probably don't love either of them and maybe you never did.

HoudiniHissy · 09/12/2011 23:45

sockpuppet alert

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 23:47

I have to ask this houdini doesn't want to as would like to think I know, whats a sockpuppet?

buzzswellington · 09/12/2011 23:51

Think Keith Harris and Orville - which one's real? Grin

It's when one internet user assumes multiple ids to back themselves up, or sometimes to troll themselves.

fuzzynavel · 10/12/2011 00:00

Feels quite sorry for the nutter really Grin

Original poster
Wabbit · 18/12/2011 00:22

op has not disappeared! I'm sorry my descriptions of what is/has happened are so trite...
DS, is happy, content, creative, funny, energetic, responsive and loving just like he always was...
I appreciate your concerns for Ds and DP's children.
Oh dear... does that contradict your assumptions?

OP posts:
sakura · 18/12/2011 00:32

what I'm reading from this is that the your first relationship definitely needed to end, especially with regard to:
"but found that he was preventing me from engaging with all of my capabilities - in work, in my private life, in my internal world. I had stopped being ME

the elation probably stems from this more than anything. You sound like you were incredibly stifled.

On the other hand, I wouldn't lay too much hope on the new relationship in the sense that I agree there is something "off" about a man who is willing to just drop his wife and kids just like that. Double standards? Maybe. BUt I think partnership is different for men and women. NAturally I think women bring more to the table in any relationship (except perhaps financial stability) so it makes sense to me that a woman would want to embrace freedom by leaving her partner...

Original poster
Wabbit · 18/12/2011 00:50

Yes, my first relationship definitely needed to end... you are right.

OP posts:
tethersjinglebellend · 18/12/2011 01:15

Taking OP at face value-

The man in question has met someone and fallen in love. He has gone home and told his wife; they are going to counselling but have decided to separate.

The OP met someone, fell in love, came home and ended her relationship.

I don't think anyone has done anything wrong here, actually. People fall in and out of love all the time, and if what the OP says is true then they have both behaved appropriately.

sakura · 18/12/2011 01:19

yes, I don't think there's an age where it's no longer appropriate to fall in love. I was a bit sad when I read upthread that if a man is 40 plus and falls in love he must be emotionally immature Sad

I still wouldn't rely on this new guy too much though OP, just because I'm a cynic

tethersjinglebellend · 18/12/2011 01:21

I was a bit disheartened by the 40 plus comment too...

Charbon · 18/12/2011 01:38

What nonsense that women bring everything but financial stability to a relationship. Not this woman. It has always been very important to me to earn my own money and have financial stability. As for the support of a man jettisoning his wife and children for a love of eight days standing, are you serious?

FrigidHare · 18/12/2011 01:59

OP listen to Fairstive Greetings. Sound advice.

TardlyWhiptrack · 18/12/2011 09:19

'Oh dear- does that contradict your assumptions?'

No, on the contrary, most if not all eedjits like you posting this kind of shite take the trouble to tap out a few desperately reasonable sentences to regain a shred of credibility. Trouble is by that point they've already usually pegged themselves as utterly unlikely to be that reasonable person.

I fully believe that if you were the reasonable, mature person who thinks of her child first and foremost then you wouldn't even consider embroiling your own family in a mess like this.

Agree that saying you love someone in 8 days is nonsense. No love, you're infatuated with him. You don't know a damn thing about this person except the most important bit of information you'll ever need: he'll dump his wife and family over a woman he met a week ago.

If that's the kind of stepdad you want as an example to your DS, then every assumption about you and your flaky, silly approach to life is bang on correct.

MarinaAzul · 18/12/2011 13:49

OP, It is obvious from your posts that you are infatuated and in lust. Slow down, you do not know this (married)man at all. After 8 days you think it's love? He's given you his heart? How silly! How old are you ? Leave your partner, by all means, but put this MM down to experience and move on with your life by living in the real world not fantasy.