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Original poster

how to make a move...or not?

61 replies

wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:15

Hi, would really appreciate your help on this. When I was a teenager, over 20 years ago, I had a friend who I really liked and who I think had a big crush on me but I didn't fancy him. We were friends for years and he never actually made a pass at me, he seemed very shy whereas I was at that time a bit of party animal (still am given a chance) although I remember being sure he did fancy me. I went off with someone 'more exciting' and I remember feeling really guilty. I then had years of relationships with unsuitable men and lost touch with him.

We recently have become friends again and we get on just as well as we always did. He is fairly recently divorced and has 3 children and lives near me and my daughter. So far we have been out a few times, sometimes at my instigation and sometimes his. I left something at his house and today he brought it round and stayed chatting for about 2 hours. Now, although I still don't actively fancy him (as in lust after him) I think he's really lovely. He's very kind and very intelligent. But I am starting to doubt whether he ever did fancy me as he never made a move either then or now. He suggested going out again and I said he could stay over and then he could drink hoping that was a hint but I'm not sure he took it that way.

I am thinking of saying something in a text, I want to find out if he did fancy me all those years ago or whether he wants something more than friends now but don't know what to say? (I know texting is crap but I can't seem to muster up courage face to face!)

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 05/12/2011 21:19

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Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:24

He didn't really say anything!! maybe he never did, maybe it was all in my head. I don't know. I don't think so though and he certainly wants to prolong any time we spend together now. I think partly the reason we never got together in the first place was he was pushy in making a first move and I got bored waiting. Now I don't want to be in the same position 20 years later!

OP posts:
Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:25

maybe I could ask a mutual friend of ours but it all seems a bit teenage?!

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 05/12/2011 21:27

Oh no, no, no!!!

He's only reently divorced, you're hitting it off just fine as friends, so go with the flow and let nature take its course, or not as the case may be.

If you go bleating on about whether he had a crush on you, you'll sound just like the teenager you were all those years ago and might embarrass him right of your life.

For future reference you're best advised to cross-stitch 'if I can't say it in person, I won't say it in a text' along with 'least said, soonest mended' on a couple of cushions.

However, you're giving off very mixed messages here - you say you don't fancy him yet you've invited him to stay over? If you don't want to jump on his boes, what exactly was that 'hint' about?

Hope you're a bit more straightforward in RL otherwise you'll be doomed to go round in ever decreasing or increasing circles while likely male prospects are heading for the hills.

FabbyChic · 05/12/2011 21:27

But you already said you dont fancy him, why don't you just be friends and see where it goes, what is the rush? Its not like you want to jump his bones or anything.

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/12/2011 21:30

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izzywhizzysmincepies · 05/12/2011 21:30

jeez, sticky key syndrome strikes.

reently = recently

boes = bones which is materially different to what you want to tie him up with Xmas Grin

fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 21:31

OP, you didn't fancy him then and you don't now. Are you trying to gain a bit of selfworth through him?

What if he declared that he fancied you?

You would probably use this.

Its not a good thing.

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:35

I don't fancy him in a lustful way but I could imagine being happy with him. I would have thought once it was settling but I don't anymore. I like his company and he makes me laugh.

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Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:41

ok, so you all think if I don't overtly fancy him I should make a pass but what if I did fancy him what would your advice be then?

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anothermum92 · 05/12/2011 21:45

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fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 21:46

To be honest i would still ask you to look at yourself, you said in your op that you still wasnt sure.....

what's going on with you that you have to back track and fancy something you never did in the first place?

fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 21:48

Have you just been burned? do you think you want a nice quiet guy that will lick your wounds?

pollyblue · 05/12/2011 21:51

Get him very very drunk, then see what happens Grin

I'm completely absolutely crap at approaching someone i fancy and usually make a balls-up of it, so take any advice i offer wih a pich of salt Smile, But tbh, why are you thinking like this about someone you admit you don't fancy? ( even if you do think he's a decent chap). Do you think he would be a good safe option? Have you always gone out with men you really fancied, but ended up being treated badly by them?

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:51

the thing is we can't go on a date and have a few drinks as he lives about 10 miles away from me. Otherwise that would be easier. Fuzzynavel, I can't explain - I just like him and we get on.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 05/12/2011 21:52

sticky keyboard thing here too - with and pinch obviously

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:53

I have been out with plenty of men I fancied but things didn't work out. I think he is genuinely nice, not just a safe bet but very intelligent and kind.

To be honest, the reason I suggested he stay over is that I thought we could go out and have alot to drink and see what happened.

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fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 21:54

I still feel sorry for him in all this, you knew perfectly well what you were doing all those years ago, you knew he fancied you. You will never fancy him in a million years, he will do for now.

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:55

maybe I should send a blunt text saying, 'how about the next time we go out (before Christmas) we go and have a few drinks and you can stay over so you don't have to drive and we can also see where things lead between us or not...

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Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:56

fuzzynavel I don't think that's the case. It was all those years ago but not now.

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fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 21:58

If i have to use the word "NICE" its a no go. No-one does nice unless they are about to "Settle" then be bored after a while.

OP, im not being nasty here but don't use the bloke to make you feel better.

pollyblue · 05/12/2011 22:00

if he has no idea of how you feel, do you think a text like is a good idea? I think I'd go with the get him v drunk on the night and see what happens - or speak to him beforehand and say how you feel? Then see if he still wants to do the v drunk and sleepover thing..........

fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:00

People funamentally do not change.

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:00

I know you're not being nasty but I don't agree with you! I think it could work but don't know what to say!

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:01

fundamentally either.

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