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Original poster

how to make a move...or not?

61 replies

wantanewname · 05/12/2011 21:15

Hi, would really appreciate your help on this. When I was a teenager, over 20 years ago, I had a friend who I really liked and who I think had a big crush on me but I didn't fancy him. We were friends for years and he never actually made a pass at me, he seemed very shy whereas I was at that time a bit of party animal (still am given a chance) although I remember being sure he did fancy me. I went off with someone 'more exciting' and I remember feeling really guilty. I then had years of relationships with unsuitable men and lost touch with him.

We recently have become friends again and we get on just as well as we always did. He is fairly recently divorced and has 3 children and lives near me and my daughter. So far we have been out a few times, sometimes at my instigation and sometimes his. I left something at his house and today he brought it round and stayed chatting for about 2 hours. Now, although I still don't actively fancy him (as in lust after him) I think he's really lovely. He's very kind and very intelligent. But I am starting to doubt whether he ever did fancy me as he never made a move either then or now. He suggested going out again and I said he could stay over and then he could drink hoping that was a hint but I'm not sure he took it that way.

I am thinking of saying something in a text, I want to find out if he did fancy me all those years ago or whether he wants something more than friends now but don't know what to say? (I know texting is crap but I can't seem to muster up courage face to face!)

OP posts:
Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:02

pollyblue, I'd like to go with the getting drunk on the night but it's not really possible when he lives about 3/4 hour away as he wouldn't be able to drink unless he stayed over.

OP posts:
happyAvocado · 05/12/2011 22:03

Would you be happy if after such text you lost a friend?

he may just back off and that would be it.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/12/2011 22:04

But suppose you do get together with him and it doesn't work out (which is quite likely as there isn't a spark, on one side at least), it will spoil that nice easy-going companionship. Is the possibility of igniting a spark worth the risk of losing what you do already have between you? What's the rush, anyway?

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:04

no I wouldn't be happy if I lost a friend but I feel really stuck and don't know what to do?

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:05

He is not silly, he may be "nice" but he isn't a fool.

If he wanted to see you in that way he would. So, you're going to get him polaxed to stay? hmmmm

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:06

Anniegetyourgun, the rush is that something that could have happened 20 years ago but didn't looks like history repeating itself and it seems so pointless. I would prefer to just know. Maybe I should just sent a text saying 'Is there a spark between us?'

OP posts:
Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:07

'or are we just friends?'

OP posts:
pollyblue · 05/12/2011 22:08

Well, if you can't face actually speaking to him beforehand, then you'll have to arrange a night out and sleepover, as you originally suggested, and see what happens.......Maybe it just hasn't occurred to him that you might be thinking about him in that way now, as he knows you didn't then.....But you don't know for sure that he did fancy you then......

I think this is just going to drive you nuts until you know isn't it - can't you just have a bottle glass of dutch courage, phone him and ask him?!

MistletoeAndFlump · 05/12/2011 22:10

OP I think you really need to relax and just go with the flow with this one!

Even you don't know what you really think of him yet, so why rush it? Give it time and see if it develops into deeper feelings - or not. If it doesn't, you have a good friend, if it does, then there is more chance of it being genuine and based on something solid if you just let it happen. What's the rush (seriously?).

IMO you need to 100% forget the text ideas. Sorry to be harsh but they make you sound a little bit desperate, TBH. Why do you need to 'just know'? Nobody just knows at the start of a new relationship/friendship - things either develop or they don't. Calm down and let it happen!

fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:11

Right, lets do a list.

you never fancied him.

you knew he fancied you.

you have been burned.

you still don't know if you fancy him but he's "nice"

he's not coming forward

you have a master plan to get him drunk to stay

So, if he does and ends up having sex with you. What on earth do you gain?

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:16

I don't know fuzzynaval, those statements are all true. But if we did end up having sex, I'm sure it would all become clear!

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:17

Oh OP for who? You're still going to end up the one that feels like shit.

FairstiveGreetings · 05/12/2011 22:18

You feel comfortable with him and flattered that he 'used to' fancy you.

You want to know if he still fancies you.

You are not sure what you want if he does.

I think you should go out with him as a friend and flirt a little bit. Give him some signals and a bit of encouragement. My DH says men are not usually just 'friends' with women. They do not go out of their way to spend time with a woman unless they fancy her, so chances are that he is interested.

I do not think you should text him. It's too impersonal, difficult to read tone, etc. and if he doesn't reply you have an agonising wait and start to regret it.

I also think you should not try to get him drunk. We make poor judgements under the influence and do you really want to 'get him' that way? Certainly have a couple of drinks for dutch courage but ideally just have fun with him and see where it leads.

Asking him outright, do you fancy me, seems a bit school playground imo.

fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:18

Sweetheart, don't do it. It will end in your tears, not his.

anothermum92 · 05/12/2011 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:19

For me it would become clear. Maybe it already is for him. Ok I won't text but mustering up the courage to say something on the phone is a lot harder. And I don't know when we'll meet up again (and I haven't said anything on previous occasions when we've met - I could have today but didn't).

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 05/12/2011 22:21

Yeah... what they said. What's wrong with going out on a platonic basis if you both enjoy it? You don't even want to sleep with him, you just feel you sort of ought to before he gets away again or something. Why not give it time? All this talk of getting the unfortunate man paralytic so you can seduce him - out of a spirit of scientific enquiry apparently - is rather unsavoury (and would be illegal if the sexes were reversed), so I hope you were joking about that bit. [po-faced emoticon]

Maybe in time something beautiful will grow between you, but it won't have a chance if you keep digging it up to inspect the roots.

fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:22

I worry about the fact that you want to grab someone nice because someone hasn't been good to you and act out bad behaviour to get him. Its a vicious circle..

You think I cant even get a nice bloke unless i get him pissed to fancy me.

the end of the story is your self esteem becomes even worse.

Original poster
wantanewname · 05/12/2011 22:27

Maybe he already knows what I was thinking when I suggested he stay over, as I said he's very intelligent and that he didn't take me up on that he isn't interested. I just wish it was simpler.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 05/12/2011 22:28

How about you put away childish things,grow up, and cultivate some patience?

It is a much overlooked virtue but it's invaluable in affaires d'amour.

If you would only exercise patience and WAIT the right moment will present itself and, if it doesn't, it's not a big deal if you're getting the benefit of the friendship of a 'lovely, kind, and intelligent' guy.

Reading between the lines, I suspect that you've never got over him failing to make a play for you 20 years ago and, that in your succession of relationships with 'unsuitable' men, you've always wondered what would have happened 'if only'.

If he's a slow burner you'll never get that spark to ignite if you go at it like a lovestruck teenager bull in a china shop.

Think dignity', think 'decorum', and discreetly flash your decollete if he agrees to stay over - although, fgs, how much is 10 miles by cab? Peanuts compared with the joys of you both being able to get sloshed in a tavern of your choice - with a choice of accomodation afterwards.

fuzzynavel · 05/12/2011 22:28

Leave the man alone. If he wanted to know he would. You have understood that you don't want the life you had before. Move on and acknowledge this.

You may be pleasantly surprised. You dont have to hunt him.

Casmama · 05/12/2011 22:33

I don't understand. In your op you say he lives near you and your daughter then he lives ten miles away then three to four hours away. So when he returned something you left at his was it an eight hour round trip?

coffeeinbed · 05/12/2011 22:36

Of course he knows what you were thinking when you suggested the sleepover.
You're single adults, so chances are it would not involve dinosaur pyjamas and pizza.

Casmama · 05/12/2011 22:37

Sorry I see it was three quarters of an hour away. Still I think you are being really childish about this - texting to ask if he fancies you - the thought makes me cringe. How about suggesting meeting for a drink somewhere between the two of you and seeing how it goes?

pollyblue · 05/12/2011 22:41

Casa, I read OPs "3/4" as three quarters of an hour, not three to four.

Op, if it is only three quarters of an hour, couldn't you meet up somewhere midway for a few drinks? Then you've got the option of going back to his/yours together or going your separate ways.