DV by children against parent please help

[FinallyBeaten]

Sorry I have name changed for this but I am a regular on here. Sorry about the title, it sounds really melodramatic but that is how it is in our house.

The brief story is that I am a single mother to two children one KS1 and one KS2. They were physically and emotionally abused by their father for several years without my knowledge. He also physically abused me but not often. Since we have been living separately the children have felt freer to talk about what happened with their father and generally tell me their lives are a lot better. But I have seen a lot of behavioural problems with them particularly with how they treat me. They lie, steal and hurt each other very badly, not just normal squabbling stuff, which is what they have learned from him. They will not listen to what I tell them to do, they shout and screech and make weird noises all the time, they will not do anything to help me whatever approach I take (either reward or taking away TV privileges).

Recently one of them attacked me with the metal end of a dog lead and hit me several times in the face with it and then hit me ten or fifteen times in the body. This was for no reason whatsowever. The child just came out of the bedroom into my room and laid into me as I lay in bed. I called my parents for help and the child then attacked my mother. Last night the other one punched me full-force in the boob and it really hurt. I am bitterly ashamed that I smacked the child on the arm to stop it happening again. This was because I had asked them to get undressed for their bath. They regularly hurt me by being very rough around me and take no notice when I ask them to be gentle. For example one of them came up to me and kissed me which was lovely and then followed it up by biting me really hard on teh nose. They can be kind and loving but I never know which side of them I am going to see and I am getting to the stage where I am scared of them as they can really hurt me badly.

This sounds so pathetic. I have tried so hard to give them love and understanding of what they have been through with their father. Apart from last night I have never hit either of them. I feel gutted that I have descended to this level but it just hurt so much and I am sick of being used as an emotional and physical punchbag by these children. They don't seem to understand love and kindness and mistake it for weakness and a signal that they can ride roughshod over me. I set limits and have punishments for them for unacceptable behaviour ie I make them sit on the stairs or take away TV time. I do this consistently and see that the punishment is carried out. But it seems to have no effect and I just feel like a servant and a punchbag for these children. I love them dearly but feel they have been so damaged and I do not know how to cope. They are having counselling and treatment but I do not think it is helping. Things are getting worse not better and honestly I am desparate. I feel like I cannot go on with this any more. Please help.

Sorry to hear this... how old are they?

One is 7 and one is 10.

Have they had any counselling since you left your ex? Some Women's Aid groups have outreach children's workers, might be worth asking. Also you could contact Barnardos and/or NSPCC and see if they have any help to offer.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish I had some advice for you. The only possible suggestion that I can think of is to ask a HV or school nurse for advice or input. You should not have to suffer this and I wonder if cognitive behavioural therapy or family therapy might be more effective. I hope someone can give you more advice.

I think family and separate counselling to unravel the damage. They've obviously witnessed a lot. Get this done ASAP before they are ruined for life.

Neither of these children are older than eleven. Physically move them to their bedroom and hold the door shut until they have completely calmed down. Unless you are physically disabled there is no reason why primary school aged children should be capable of landingmore than one blow, so stop letting them. they have learned that the person who is hitting is the person who is in charge - currently they probably feel a bit lost because nobody is hitting them. For such awful behavior I would remove every single toy in the house and don't bring them back until they are significantly nicer.

Remember - you are in charge. Discipline is not abuse. They need to to come down firmly now.

They are both having counselling and act lovely with the counsellors. In fact they are lovely most of the time they are with other people. My mother was totally gobsmacked when she saw dc1 in a fit of violence and was hit by the child herself, she said she would not have believed it if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes.

The eldest has also been referred to CAHMS by the GP after threats of suicide and has had one appointment but has said they will not go back so that is another battle to come.

Hi
Do you think the school would be receptive to helping you? I know that we have a full time member of staff who offers special sessions for children who need emotional or social help, or if a child has problems which she cannot deal with we can refer to the child and adolescent mental health team- perhaps speak to your school special needs co-ordinator? (SENCO)

I also think firm guidance and discipline are needed, no tv, lots of family fun. I think hitting Mummy should have at least one week of no screen time.

You deserve better OP but remember you are the adult.

Keep asking for support OP.

Oops- sorry didn't see your post until I hit send.
I can't imagine how this feels for you- I've worked with young children with serious behaviour problems in the past and it does feel awful when you feel like an emotional and physical punch-bag, even when you know why they're behaving like this, and I could get away from it at the end of the day.

I cannot pick them up and physically move them. They are big and strong and when they are in a fit of temper I cannot get them in their rooms. The eldest is not much smaller than me and is very fit and strong. They flail their arms around and fling themselves on the ground and bite and scratch and kick and there is no way I could pick them up and move them when they were doing that. I do have a disability not bad but it affects my balance so I am unable to struggle with them without falling over! I have tried to hold them from behind and pin their arms to their body but that does nto work well either due to the reasons above.

What you say colditz about the person hitting being the person in charge is really true in their minds and strangely enough something that had not clicked with me before. Thank you for that.

How long ago did you leave your abusive ex?

How old are your dc and are they the same sex?

How often do they attend counselling/treatment sessions?

Have you discussed their behaviour with their psychotherapist(s)? If so, what is their diagnosis and prognosis?

Do they act out at school and/or with their peers, or only with you/other relatives?

Do they continue to have contact with their father and have you had social services input at any point?

It was last January so almost a year we have been apart now. Things have just got worse not better as time has gone on. There is one boy and one girl. They have counselling every week.

I am meeting the counsellor this week to discuss the various issues so we will see what she says. I have discussed the violence with the CAHMS team but they did not say a lot.

There is no contact with the father at the moment. He has not seen them for almost a year but he is applying for access through the court so we shall have to see what happens there. I am hoping he will not get access. We have not had SS input but I think CAFCASS will be involved soon because of the court.

The youngest has had problems for fighting at school and the oldest does nto fight physically at school but has friendship issues and is often a victim of bullying (things are going well at the moment though).

I don't know who to ask for support with this.

My solicitor has said that if their father gets wind of this then he may cause a lot of problems by saying I cannot look after them and that when he was seeing them they did not behave like this, so I do not know what to do.

You get more and more help. I would hide TVs and reward kindness.

Go and see your GP and call women's aid.

I ban them from watching TV or going on the PC (there is only one of each in teh sitting room) and cancel their favourite activities but there is just no response. I have banned TV and computer games for a week but there is no response. I have banned chocolate and favourite snacks, ditto. I give praise and small rewards and allow priveldges (TV and activities) for good behaviour, but there is no response.

The only thing that has ever ever worked was when I finally smacked the dc on the arm last night to stop another punch. I feel so guilty and upset about this but I think the only thing they understand is voilence. I must get them to move away from this way of thinking but I do not see a way to do it.

I have been seeing a counsellor at womens aid and I have told her about this nd shse did not have a lot to say about it at all.

Don't feel guilty, knock on every door until you get help. Go see your GP Andre talk to the school.

And.

My shift has almost finished now so will have to sign off but please keep posting, ou are really helping me so thank you.

NSPCC. Can help.

I find with my DD (who doesn't hit me, but can be v difficult) that what works best is really small sanctions - so that when you make a threat you have no reservations about carrying it out, and there is always more left to lose if the bad behaviour goes on. Mostly she gets a 10p fine for bad behaviour, or 50p for something really dangerous. We keep track of what she's lost each month on a piece of paper. And it really does work :)

If you say No TV for a week, or whatever, and then they go on being bad, you can't really repeat the punishment. But if you say not TV for half an hour, or a 10p fine, they know they need to improve or they'll lose another one. But agree, that with violence like you've talked about, you should look for some profesional help - family counselling, maybe, rather than individual?

This is not your fault and you are not a bad mother. But nor is it their fault. The blame lies squarely with their father. Keep trying to access as much professional help as possible, sadly it can take a lot of time to sort out behavioural problems, but it can be done.