Here's hoping on finding a decent guy/girl under the mistletoe who doesn't use hun or text speak. Dating thread No.7

[Zanywany]

Off you go

You know what to do

It's about self respect watch, he knows your issues but yet he adds to them. By deleting him you have shown you care about yourself more than you care about him. Well done

watch, in between being an awesome Mum and well rounded cool person do you really have the time and emotional energy to be his social worker and therapist? Even assuming he stops playing both ends against the middle and starts treating you with some respect do you honestly see yourself being in a stable relationship with him in 10 years time, or even 5? Does the quality of the experience really justify the price of the ticket?

I've said it before and I'll say it again... People do not change. There is no epiphany - no blinding flash on the road to Damascus. The best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour, and from what you've told us he has not behaved well.

Enjoy your Christmas and New Year holidays with the people you love unconditionally and who love you back the same way... your kids, your family and your closest mates. You don't need the headfuck of this guy.

I like that post Poppa. If we had a like button I would be clicking it.

Like

nods he's treated you like something he would scrape off of his shoe. up thread you acknowledge that you would never see it working out with you and he-who-must-not-be-named, why waste even more time and energy on him? i think it is spectaularly sad that this 'man' has managed to worm his way past your defences and treat you abysmally - that said, hoist up your bosom, knock back a rum, ignore him because that is all he deserves of your energy and look forwards to next year. don't look over your shoulder at this twerp!

Thanks for the advice, and also for the advice to watch as it's quite a similar situation so I'm applying that to me as well.

i am an awful person.
I expect no sympathy and a flaming. Fire away!!!

being too nosey inquisitve for my own good i re didn the thing, ( because its not like i dont know his email) and we have been talking. He now knows that i am highly fucked off and hurt. The truth about a lot of stuff came out. We talked about our situations and how things might actually work, there was a whole lot of acceptance on his behalf, as well there should be.
As expected he told me he loved me and wanted to sort it out. I told him it was his mess and not mine to sort, adn if adn when he does, we can talk, but that im not being a part of it and nor am i waiting in the wings playing second. I also told him that i cant now, or ever promise him a relationship and that how he treated me and how ihe is currently treating his gf sickens me and would make me vary wary of doing anything.

Im not sure how it has been left really, other than being quite confused.
however i feel better for having my say, which i didnt really get to do before and for clearing the air somewhat. because i do not like bad feeling ( adn there was a lot of bad feeling my side)

Not an awful person, not at all, you love the guy, love is one of those annoying things that is bloody hard to ignore, you can't just switch it off unfortunately.

I think if this were me I would have said 'when you have done the right thing by your girlfriend and are free, then we will talk' because you can't sort anything out while he is in a relationship, even though you don't want a relationship with him he is actively deceiving his girlfriend and unfortunately you will be enabling him. Until he has his own house in order I wouldn't have anything to do with him. A bit of tough love is called for here because as it stands he is just getting all that he wants, he doesn't want to lose you but he doesn't mind not having a relationship with you because he has someone else to fill that void in his life.

If you don't want a relationship with him and you can't see a future with him for practical reasons then what do you stand to gain from this situation? I'm curious

You are not an awful person at all Watch. It sounds to me as if you have told him how you feel with a few home thurths thrown in and made it clear that he needs to sort things out with his gf before you will commit to even talking about a relationship with him.
Eeeek Mr Yacht is meeting my parents tonight

What Time said, watch. Not at all an awful person, but don't give him the tiniest sliver of your trust again until he has earnt it.

That includes talking to him. You might feel better short term but by making your feelings known you are leaving yourself very vulnerable to someone who has already proved themselves dishonest and wholly unworthy.

The 'when you have done the right thing by your girlfriend and are free, then we will talk' line is vital. I would also add 'and when you can prove it not just say it' re: being free.

That is what I said :)

If we could iron out the practical issues, then of course id.go.for it. But I'm not even discussing that with him.as an option until he sorts himself out. I told him to grow a set!!!

He's just started writing for a national newspaper, professionally he is so on it. Personally, well. It's just a bit of a mess.

watch I knew you were going to talk to him. Too much unfinished business. I dont like the sound of him, but you know him best. I also wonder whether even if he was to split with the gf and you both become involved, whether there has been enough done already to have a good start (or a few months in, be messaging the ex gf saying similar stuff that he is saying to you). You are smart though and I am sure you wont involve yourself with a guy that would treat you badly.

watch......

i knew it!

well, as long as you have had your say and it has been left - I'm not sure it's important where it has been left - you've made your feelings perfectly clear. the ball seems to be in his court. My theory is that he has missed talking to you and the attention that that attracts - so he initiated contact - as he always does and then you both fall back into this lovely 'easy' familiarity. I think time has excellent advice here. you've said what you have to say, I would now ignore for a couple of weeks at least -

of course you feel confused! that's what he wants!

No, I did make that absolutely clear to him.

But that I would also accept no part, nor blame for breaking his relationship up. I'm not throwing up ultimatums and demanding anything... So much as just stating the case from my.side.

And that i am not willing to just be friends Either. That that does not work for me and Will not be helping with his relationship ( if indeed there are problems ) .

He said he is going to sort it abd we can be together. I told him thus holds no weight. And then said the above in regards to his relationship. Hence leaving it all a bit confused.

But it's not my confusion to.sort and I'm not going to spend any time dwelling on it.

and in happier news - yayyy! for mr Yacht meeting the parents! whoop! whoop!! :)

Snape, I think he is more confused than I. I know where I'm coming from and he knows my position.

He said he missed me. I.told him I hadnt :)

And I.did tell him while it woykd be easy to fall back into comftable familarity, I wasn't going to.and would not be talking to him in the dame way or the same frequency.

And good luck zany!!!!!!!_

So, if he separated from his partner and established himself as a single man would you be prepared to give a relationship with him a go?

If the answer to that is yes, then that's great, go for it but, if the answer is no, or you don't know then I honestly don't see the point. If you can't see yourself in a relationship with him then considering the level of feelings involved, I think the only way to go is no contact. You need to cut all ties with him both physically and emotionally or you are going to be left 'stuck' for the rest of your days.

As for his new profession, I wonder if he could be directed to the Frothers thread and the ongoing campaign

Zany I hope all goes well tonight, I'm sure it will

I've just had an accident. The Christmas chocolates fell into my mouth. Closely followed by a tube of some Pringles.

Zany best of luck for tonight!

What type of pringles time? If they arent sour cream and onion, not worth it! I havent actually ate today, I appear to have replaced eating with smoking currently stress of the run up to christmas!

They were Sour Cream and Onion stay and they just jumped into my mouth, one after the other. All I've had to eat to day is the chocolates and the Pringles, quite balanced though I think

Smoking not good stay, your lungs will be complaining!

Good skills time :) Yum!!!

If he did. Then yes, probably. But we would have to take it slow very slow.

Though I told him I.couldn't promise this at all. I refuse to.say if he finishes with her then I Will see him. I'm.just not saying that. If hes not happy he needs to sort it, but it is a seperate issue to anything to do.with me.

I hate it when that happens Time I bought some Xmas wine which accidently not only fell into my mouth but into my wine glass first - god knows how it happened.

I hope it works out Watch so you end up happy withthings either way. Good on you for telling him how things stand. I know in the past I have ignored the lying warning signs and gone with my heart which was a bad idea

You know what watch, I wouldn't see him after just splitting with his girlfriend either. He would have to be single and he would have to prove himself to me before I committed to him in any way, shape or form. I would need to know that I wasn't just a diversion from his problems with his girlfriend and that he meant what he said. Actions speak a whole lot louder than words and to be frank, his words haven't given you much reason to trust him up to now. His actions had you furnishing a flat he was moving into with his girlfriend. IMO he has a lot of hard work to do!

I know Zany, I'm so cross with both the chocolates and the Pringles, they have forced me to break my diet!! Why they just couldn't have stayed hidden in the wardrobe I have no idea!

Yes watch, I hope it all works out for you too

I don't expect for one momment he is going to.anyway :)

Because I don't believe him. Not really.

But ive said what needed to be said and I do feel like that's a bit of closure.