Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Found other womans dirty knickers in DH's bag.

90 replies

Stunnned · 07/01/2006 23:36

Thats it really.

Today, needed the bag he usually uses for work. Unpacked all the stuff and odds and sods and unzipped the front zip pocket and there was a pair of black see through french knicker style knickers in there. They had definitely been worn.

They are in a size much smaller than me.

I told DH i had emptied his bag and put the contents in a carrier bag - "oh, including the womans dirty knickers". He didnt look shocked but said "what?" a womans dirty knickers??? etc etc. "Well that either means im cross dresser or im having an affair doesnt it? Well i can assure you im not either"

Did seem rather confused. Then started talking out loud to himself in the bathroom (never does this) that someone from work mustve put them in there "for a laugh".

What i am most stunned about is that im not really bothered by it. I sort of believe that its a prank. But even if it wasnt, im honestly not bothered. I do love DH alot, and have no complaints about him at all. I have had PND so its been tough for both of us.

We were getting ready for a day out and he was all set for a huge row and asked what we were going to do now. I just said "we are going out arent we?". He said he thought i might want to talk about it etc etc.

I just said i believe him and gave him a kiss. Didnt want to say i didnt care either way as it might offend him.

This isnt right is it?

OP posts:

Dior · 08/01/2006 13:50

Message withdrawn

cod · 08/01/2006 13:52

Message withdrawn

littlemissbossy · 08/01/2006 13:54

Have to agree in that I think this is really odd TBH. If it was a prank/set up by work colleagues, surely he'd be angry that they would do that to him??

mummygow · 08/01/2006 13:56

stunned had dh said anything else about it

rummum · 08/01/2006 13:56

"they smelt of smoke"....
you mean you sniffed them... [shudder]

gravity · 08/01/2006 13:58

try to talk to him when all is calm (well, as calm as it can be)

if it is in all innocence he should be able to speak to you rationally because he has nothing to hide - what has already occurred when you mentioned it seems pretty rational mind you.

your mind will be going a million miles an hour so the sooner you talk properly the better

offending him shouldnt be something that you have to worry about, prank or not you are entitled to a truthful honest answer

my only word of advice is dont fall for the if i was up to something do you think i would have been stupid enough to leave them there. (not saying you dh is the type to say this but incase)beacuse i believe a man isnt thinking with the brain located between his ears when he enters into infidelity and he is capable of doing any stupid careless act.

i wish you all the best honey x

fuzzywuzzy · 08/01/2006 14:00

rumum when something smells of smoke, I find I don't actually have to sniff the item up close to be able to smell it.....cigerette smoke sort of carries iykwim...

Turquoise · 08/01/2006 14:08

Are you over your PND now?

Because if so, and your instinct is that it's not a big deal, then I'd go with that.

Lonelymum · 08/01/2006 14:18

I can't believe you don't want to know Stunned. Maybe you are ready to forgive and forget, but are you seriously saying you don't want to know either way what is going on?

Tortington · 08/01/2006 15:07

he's well and truly caught - you need to be calm and ask him for the truth so you can make an informed decision.

tell him that its either that or the wonder will corrode the sactity of the existing relationship and one day he will come hom to find the locks changed becuase you just cant face the unknown.

tell him better to come clean, you you can discuss what has happened and come to an agreeable solution for al concerned including the children.

this is a must or you will turn into a nesty, bitter, depressed, self doubting, unconfident person, who resents her husnad for making her like this , then one day when the kids are at school and you realise that hes not your crutch but your wieght dragging you down - you will change the lock s and see a solicitor and screw him for everything hes got.

cod · 08/01/2006 15:07

Message withdrawn

PeachyClair · 08/01/2006 15:44

I can understand that you don't want to risk a relationship that you, at least, seem to find fulfilling but that's not the only thing at risk here. I mean, OK you're off sex now, are you intending that to be for ever? because if not, then fidelity (and potential sexual health of you both) is at serious question here.

I too agree that dirty knickers is odd and sounds like another woman trying to declare her interest. But even if it's not, are you sure you want your husband thinking this is OK? An affair isn't always a quickie, you know: it can grow and and you could be the loser.

If you take the decision to accept his story, can I still suggest that you get counselling? If your sex drive is still zero is suggests that PND is still an issue here, and your chances of hanging on to your DH long term, whether or not this is a joke, must be significantly reduced if he isn't feeling fulfilled (because much as some men CAN live without sex, I suspect it's true they do equate it as love).

In the interests of making your marriage as strong as it could be, you really do need to talk to someone. I DO applaud you for not throttling him or walking right out (as I suspect I would then regret), but that doesn't mean things are OK, it may well be that this is your last chance to save our marriage.

I truly hope that things are OK long term, but I do also feel that if you really love him- and I think you do- you need to be taking action over the PND now.

galaxy · 08/01/2006 15:49

He probably bought them from an ad in a dirty mag. My mum found a whole collection in my kid brother's drawer when he was still living at home.

flutterbee · 08/01/2006 15:52

I don't think the knickers being dirty are an issue here, I actually knew soneone who played this trick on a work collegue before (Iwas not impressed and made sure they all knew) he stole a pair of his partners knickers out of the wash basket to make it seem more realistic.

I would be thinking more about why you don't feel anuthing over it apart from shock, or maybe it is the shock of finding them that is stopping you being upset/angry at the moment. Remain calm and see how you feel in a few days it might start to niggle at you, then speak openly and frankly with your DH, but only if you feel you need to.

fastasleep · 08/01/2006 15:53

Wow I'm amazed you're so calm about it! I also don't get the dirty bit at all, especially as he works in a very blokey environment, I really can't see one of their partners agreeing to dirty a pair of knickers for a prank!! What a horrible thing to find I hope you get an explanation.

(Can you really sell used knickers? I'm very skint!)

fastasleep · 08/01/2006 15:53

Ohhhhhhh I never thought they might be stolen! good point!

galaxy · 08/01/2006 15:55

yeah you can fastasleep. They come with a letter from the alleged owner (or maybe even a photo) who in the case of my brother was supposed to be an eighteen year old blonde.

fastasleep · 08/01/2006 15:56

Wow cool, that's good to know for when I sink to the depths of despair!

galaxy · 08/01/2006 16:10

LOL

Beetrootfultoyourself · 08/01/2006 16:54

am intrigued to find out how this works out.

twotonetinsel · 08/01/2006 17:27

It really sounds to be a prank to me. Why would he take her knickers that she was presumably wearing at the time unless she had brought an extra pair with her? Surely he wouldn't be daft enough to take them home even if he wanted to, far too dangerous.

A malicious prank in my opinion. I have no sense of humour when it comes to practical jokes, never have done

ggglimpopo · 08/01/2006 17:58

Message withdrawn

LadySherlockofLGJ · 08/01/2006 17:59

You cynical old cow.........

meggmoo · 08/01/2006 18:05

I have to say if it were me I'd blow my top if I had found those pants.

Do you think he is having an affair Stunned?

Original poster

Stunnned · 08/01/2006 21:26

Im shocked mostly at that fact that i didnt go ape when i found them. That i am able to think calmly and rationally about it.

He's hardly mentioned it, i think he's quite upset by it but im biding my time as to why at the moment.

A few things spring to mind with regard to whether he is having an affair:

He doesnt have the time! He works specific shifts - always has and his time starting or leaving those shifts has never varied. He might be doing something during the day but his particular dept office has 4 men in. There are some other women in the building but i find it unlikely he has much to do with them or has the time to do anything either - he is tied to a phone so he's pretty much stuck the office with these 4 guys.

Its just not something i can see him doing because of how he is - im pretty sure he'd leave me if things were bad and then start something up. This is just my opinion of course.

He has gained alot of weight over recent years he is nearly 20 stone - from being 11.5. He hasnt taken any interest in his appearance and in fact that general aspect has got worse in the last year.

He did explain that one of the guys he works with has been taking the pee out of him for having a "girly bag". He has suggested this as perhaps the reason for the prank. It seems quite plausable. His bag is like a kit bag with the tools and spares for his job so its odd to find clothing of any sort in there. He tried to think of the last time we used it to - other than for his work but i pointed out the knickers were on the top and couldnt be from when we went away (and used a public launderette).

It could be that he has bought the knickers - they dont look like every day wear type knickers - they look very ann summers dress up. By a company called evie??? If thats the case - im not bothered. Im not at all phased by porn, sex toys etc. Never have been, and have, in the past watched some with DH.

I am going to see what is going to happen tomorrow. If its a prank he'll be keen to get to the bottom of it and then let me know i should think. If he doesnt mention it at all tomorrow i will wait till Tuesday evening to say "hang on, whats the deal with this.....?" and take it from there.

Does this sound like a good plan?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4