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Original poster

Feeling guilty for thinking about friend. WWYD?

56 replies

InOneEar · 04/12/2011 18:35

A couple of weeks ago I met up with some old university friends, including one old flatmate of mine. When we lived together we supported each other through some tough times (I was in a bad relationship and he was in love with someone unavailable). Anyway, although we were young and dumb and got drunk together numerous times, the relationship was never anything other than platonic. So imagine my surprise when we met up (in a group) and I found there was this huge chemistry between us (well, in my mind anyway). Since that meeting I have found myself thinking about him a lot. Nothing remotely inappropriate happened (or was said), but I am feeling really guilty for thinking about him like this. I am married with 2 DCs and adore my DH emotionally and physically. My question is: should I tell DH about this? I don't normally have any secrets at all from him and find myself feeling remote because of this. If I do tell him then almost certainly any friendship I have with my old flatmate would be out of the question. He lives a long way away and we are not in touch online so it is very doubtful we would communicate other than the occasional email and very irregular meet-ups with mutual friends. WWYD?

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 04/12/2011 18:38

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BeerTricksPotter · 04/12/2011 18:50

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buzzswellington · 04/12/2011 18:51

I don't like the way you're thinking - that telling your dh would mean you'd have to forfeit this guy's friendship? Well yes. But fgs, you haven't seen the bloke in years and are only intending to occasionally email anyway, aren't you? Hmm? Don't kid yourself on.

My advice is not to tell your dh, but act as though you had - put any thoughts of an email relationship etc out of your head - close the door to feeding this crush.

Original poster
InOneEar · 04/12/2011 19:46

Buzzswellington - I can see where you're coming from, but TBH, I have always considered this person a good friend. We were close during our formative years, so the idea that I would be permanently losing any potential for us to be friends is a consideration. Since I've been married I haven't made any new male friends - I haven't felt the need, but I also think that emotional intimacy with the opposite sex always has the potential to become complicated. But the idea of losing perhaps the only good male friend I have (who isn't gay!) seems a high price to pay for all time. If only I hadn't messed it up by developing a sudden crush. Yes, I hadn't seen him for years, but we've kept in touch, however infrequently.

All that said - my marriage is of course the only really important thing here.

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BeerTricksPotter · 04/12/2011 19:55

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Original poster
InOneEar · 04/12/2011 20:02

I guess I'm just confused and saddened that I could be feeling like this. I thought people usually developed a crush when they were unfulfilled in their own relationship? I was feeling very close to DH when I met up with my old uni friends, it's not like I don't have it good at home. This compounds my guilt, I feel like there must be something wrong with me or that I am just bad! I guess that is why I was wondering about telling DH. And BeerTricks - I am hoping it will just fade too, but it's a bit of a worry that this can happen after one night out. Am I just untrustworthy? I mean, what would happen if it was someone I had to see every day, like a workmate? I just think there must be something wrong with me :(

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ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 20:08

You are in a happy and loving marriage - do you know how lucky you are?

Don't even think of emailing this man. Maybe in ten years or so you'll be able to, but not now.

And don't tell your husband - he would be incredibly hurt.

Original poster
InOneEar · 04/12/2011 20:16

Imperial - I do know how lucky I am, believe me.

OP posts:
newgirl · 04/12/2011 20:50

I'm in a vaguely similar situation and came on here thinking of posting but read your post and it's so similar. I'm not going to act on my crush but its made me feel negative towards my dh - I can see what id prefer in friend etc ive no advice but will read your thread and see if it helps me too

Proudnscary · 04/12/2011 21:09

Wow no way tell your dh. Most happily married couples actually do have secrets from each other because they are adults and understand that if you spill your brains/heart all over each other in these situations you will deeply hurt each other.

Do not contact the other guy. Talk this out fully on here and with RL friends you trust.

BeerTricksPotter · 04/12/2011 21:11

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/12/2011 21:14

It is a myth that only those in crap or unhappy relationships get tempted by a bit of excitement

Be very careful

This is how good people end up having affairs

They justify every litle step of the way, every little innoncent email, every "this is just for old times sake" communication

You don't start off thinking you will betray your loved one, of course

But for some susceptible people, the thrill of re-opening old dalliances can be very heady...and take you down paths you never say yourself following

Don't go there

Jnice · 04/12/2011 21:30

You have nothing to feel guilty for, you have not acted in your crush. However, you must put your family first and avoid your friend - don't tell DH and get on with your life. Don't look back to the old days!

Original poster
InOneEar · 04/12/2011 21:30

I know, I know, you're all right, I can't really be friends with my old friend, sadly.

AnyFucker, I'm not tempted by a "little bit of excitement". I just find myself wanting to have him in my life and share things with him. I miss him actually :(

Maybe it's just because now we're completely off limits to one another?

BeerTricks - it's not "unacted upon dreams from my youth" either - our friendship was totally platonic at the time. We supported one another emotionally, but it never got close to a physical thing, even once. Which is why I was so surprised to find myself thinking like this.

Newgirl - I'm sorry you're in this position too, but it's nice to hear I'm not alone.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/12/2011 21:37

how long is it since you saw this friend from your Uni days ?

and if you haven't "had him in your life and shared things with him" in that time, there is no reason on earth to start now, if you value your marriage

Original poster
InOneEar · 05/12/2011 13:56

it's been a few years since we saw each other last, but have always kept in touch one way or another. I am definitely not about to go and jeopardise my marriage in any way, but more or less came on here because I was feeling guilty for having these feelings and wondered if I should talk to DH. The general consensus seems to be no. I suppose the guilt is my problem and I should ride it out. I do wonder why it happened though.

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QueSera · 05/12/2011 13:57

Hi I'm new here, but I read your post and couldn't believe how similar your situation is to the one I find myself in!
First, I would say DEFINITELY don't tell your OH - you've not done anything wrong, so there's nothing to tell him; it would only hurt him unnecessarily.
I don't think there's anything wrong with this sort of 'crush' (we're only human!). As long as it remains in your head....
My problem is this: I love my OH dearly, married 12 years, he's my soul mate, we have a great life together; we don't have children (but have been trying for a year, unfortunately we've had two miscarriages). Anyway, then I met this guy recently, not a long-time friend like yours, but I felt an instant connection, and I am mentally obsessed with him!!! Like you I feel like a total piece of crap about this, as if I've already cheated, when in fact I've done nothing. I KNOW the right thing to do - put it down to a crush, count my blessings, hope it fades, and definitely NOT contact the crush. But knowing the right thing to do, and doing it, are two different things... How can you get over such strong feelings? It's almost physically painful.

Original poster
InOneEar · 05/12/2011 14:01

I really empathise with your 'physically painful' feelings. It is awful, and there is not much sympathy for married people who develop a crush on someone else. You feel like a shitty person, but then these feelings come out of the blue, almost as if they have come from outside you (the phrase 'a bolt of lightning') springs to mind.

The only thing that makes it simpler for me is that this person lives a really long way away from me, so there is no day to day contact.

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Original poster
InOneEar · 05/12/2011 14:02

Oh, and QueSera, I am so sorry about your MCs :(

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stayformulledwine · 05/12/2011 14:03

It's a crush! Anyone can be hit with a crush at anytime, in any situation! It will wear off! I was rather pleased with my crush when married, lost near a stone and a half in weight! Grin seriously nothing to feel guilty about or tell about to your dh. I would not initiate contact though, crushes make you act stupid. Just remove the temptation and carry on with your life!

I would like a mince pie. Grin

Pancakeflipper · 05/12/2011 14:09

Is it chemistry or is it meeting up with a great friend and realising you still think they are brill, that the friendship is still amazing? Having a wonderful time and those happy wonderful feeling still taking over your mind?

I know if I met my closest Uni mate again and we still got on like we did at Uni then I'd be walking on cloud 9 for weeks after.

Soccermom2 · 05/12/2011 14:09

I wonder is it more that you miss that time in your life?

I was very good friends with this guy a few years back before i had dc. The friend, another friend and I were the only singles our group and would often end up back at one of our houses for a nightcap and we would have great chats etc nothing sexual ever happened.

I occasionally meet up with the male friend to catch up.

I havent seen him in about 6 months and last week i had a sexual dream about him! I told dp and we had a laugh about it.

I didnt tell dp I havent stopped thinking about him since! But i think its more the fact that i miss that era of my life then i miss the friend iykwim!

If you think your dp would be hurt then dont tell him but dont be worrying about it either. I bet in a few weeks you will have forgotten about it all.

I often meet people i have chemistry with. It doesnt mean i dont love dp, thats just life!

QueSera · 05/12/2011 14:18

Thanks InOneEar Thanks

One major issue I was having, is wondering if this means that there is something wrong with my relationship. Honestly I don't think there is, we're as loved up as when we first met. I am glad to hear from others on here, such as Soccermom2, that a crush doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with your relationship. InOneEar, from what you've said your relationship is a good one. Damn these crushes that come from nowhere and cause so much distress....

Original poster
InOneEar · 05/12/2011 16:17

Pancakeflipper - interesting point. Perhaps it is something like that and I've overcomplicated it. I don't often have a chance to chat with old friends anymore, all my chats are 'mummy' chats!

Soccermom2 - it was actually a pretty horrible time in my life! And in his actually. We supported each other at the time. In fact, when we met recently, we both said that our friendship provided some of the only happy memories in what was quite a bleak time for both of us.

QueSera - I know what you mean. I don't think there is anything wrong with my relationship either, but I have wondered if there is something wrong with me.

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QueSera · 06/12/2011 15:58

InOneEar, I totally empathise about wondering if there's something wrong with 'me' (as in you yourself). If my experience is anything like yours, you might be wondering what is wrong with you, what a rotten person you are, what a rotten wife, if you could think these thoughts then what else are you capable of, etc. I think most people would say there's nothing wrong with you for thinking the thoughts, but if you act on them then that's a different matter. Problem is, the thoughts alone are so unfulfilling....

It would be much easier to deal with this and understand it if our OHs were not very nice, or if our relationships were on the rocks. But as OHs are great, and relationships great, what's causing this and where is it going to lead? Like many (happily) married women (and men) I'm sure, I wish I could just step into a parallel universe where I am single, to get this out of my system with no ill effects on my real married universe.

If you find a way to deal with, or get over, this, please let me know, as I need one!! (A few years ago I had an admirer, which was so flattering that it turned into a mini-crush on my part, and I did try to spend time with him, email etc - which had the great effect of making me realise just how much better off I was with hubby, so crush was quickly extinguished! But this wouldn't work in every case I guess.)