Feeling guilty for thinking about friend. WWYD?

[InOneEar]

A couple of weeks ago I met up with some old university friends, including one old flatmate of mine. When we lived together we supported each other through some tough times (I was in a bad relationship and he was in love with someone unavailable). Anyway, although we were young and dumb and got drunk together numerous times, the relationship was never anything other than platonic. So imagine my surprise when we met up (in a group) and I found there was this huge chemistry between us (well, in my mind anyway). Since that meeting I have found myself thinking about him a lot. Nothing remotely inappropriate happened (or was said), but I am feeling really guilty for thinking about him like this. I am married with 2 DCs and adore my DH emotionally and physically. My question is: should I tell DH about this? I don't normally have any secrets at all from him and find myself feeling remote because of this. If I do tell him then almost certainly any friendship I have with my old flatmate would be out of the question. He lives a long way away and we are not in touch online so it is very doubtful we would communicate other than the occasional email and very irregular meet-ups with mutual friends. WWYD?

I found myself in this position a little while ago I am embarrassed to admit. I am very happily married in every way so it came as a surprise to me! I decided that I was looking back at what might have been, even though we were never in that position anyway (although we were very close). So I took the rose coloured glasses off, gave myself a talking to and reminded myself that my DH is the man for me. I see this person almost weekly now and it feels so much nicer not to worry that I will dribble wantonly over him whenever I see him!

So, I am feeling a lot more in control of things the last day or two. This is where I got to with my thinking:

1. I must have been very exhilarated at the meet-up with my old friends, and the chance to be the 'old me' and have some meaningful conversations that weren't revolving around my kids.

1. The fact that this old friend is 'out of bounds' probably makes him seem more attractive. Don't we always want what we can't have? I can imagine if I was married to him and I met my DH I would be fantasising about him instead!

1. Being married is not easy. As much as I adore my husband and we have all the chemistry in the world, most of our lives revolve around our shared responsibilities.

1. I need to do some more stuff for me. The last 5/6 years has been taken up with pregnancy, breastfeeding, potty training and sleepless nights. I need a creative project, rather than letting my imagination take me down unproductive avenues, such as swooning over an old mate.

Phew! In the cold light of day, my infatuation looks less appealing. What has really helped is 'flipping' the situation in my head, ie imagining myself married and sharing responsibilities with this other person, and imagining my DH walking in, representing all the 'otherness' and excitement. It is actually not about my old friend at all, but more about me feeling a bit frustrated with life.

Thanks all of you for your advice

I've also been in this position OP.

I'm pleasantly surprised by the responses here that it's not always an indication that something is wrong in your marriage - that makes me feel better.

I have acted in a very silly way and have cut all contact now.

But it's been rather painful to say the least.

I will check in on your to see how you're doing. I will warn you, these feelings may come and go!

A support group for the happily married with bad crushes perhaps.

:-)

I have them ALL THE TIME .

Have never done anything about any of them. Most of them are my friends' husbands .

You're married, you're not dead. The process of finding someone attractive and fantasising a little does not get cut off when you put a wedding ring on.

Just don't do anything about it.

And you can bet your life your DH has had impure thoughts on women other than you over time - so don't tell him. You may not like the honesty back.

I think you should congratulate yourself on your common sense. Years ago (before dh) I let myself get a bit carried away with a friend who flirted with me. I think we would be friends now if I'd kept him at arms length
Well done

Lazarus, do you mind telling us more about what happened?

It kind of helps hearing others having been through this too.

(I've been in contact with an old friend and developed a massive crush on him. He really liked me back. I've cut off contact now and he is ignoring me too. But am finding it quite hard to deal with with nc.)

Lazarus, please don't congratulate me. I have made awful mistakes in the past, including cheating (not on DH but on ex BF, years ago). This is a case of older now and hopefully wiser, for me. When I strayed in the past I was in a very unhappy relationship and generally in an unhappy place in my life, and I was really young. Not saying that excuses it, but it does go some way to explain it. It was all very messy, very painful and sometimes very scary. What freaked me out about having some feelings/thoughts for another man now is that I am happily married and so it led me to conclude that I must be fatally flawed. Here I am with everything a person could hope for in a relationship, and two beautiful DC and STILL my mind is wandering. How pathetic! However, as I said, I managed to give myself a good talking to and now am feeling more in control. I hope it lasts!

Marian - if you'll excuse the question, do you feel like a part of you is 'missing" now that you are no longer in contact?

InOneEar & Marian - no problem! I used to be in an abusive relationship. It nearly destroyed me. Towards the last year/18 months of that relationship I became close friends with a friend of my brother. We talked a lot and there was an attraction there. I am fairly sure it was mutual but I never found out for definite as I never intended to pursue it any further. He was aware (through my brother) about the state of my life at that point and asked me to run away with him several times. He was a fair bit younger than me and nice. I knew that if I ever took him up on it I'd mess up his life and I liked him too much to do that.
He is the one I met again recently. He is still lovely. He is also happily married and a Dad. I lost contact with him when I left my violent relationship and I really missed him for a while. So, while I will admit to being fond of him, I love my dh to bits and would never compromise us. He really is special and we were meant to be!

So..the other one. He was initially a friend of my ex who saw one bruise too many. He was kind, gentle and supportive. Ha also had a gf although their relationship was rocky when I first met him. I didn't get to know her until it was too late. I fell for him, hard. It was mainly emotional but became physical..which was the end of us actually. I think the physical element brought home to me exactly what I was doing. It petered out and it ended amicably, however, it took me a long time to deal with it emotionally. Probably years.

So I have acted badly in the past too. I decided that I couldn't feel guilty forever and moved on with my life. I did what I did. It felt right at the time. I know some people would judge me for it but I have learnt from my mistakes and don't intend to repeat them. Ever.
I consider myself fortunate that I have a wonderful dh and dcs and have managed to reconnect with a good friend. The second one I would gladly set eyes on again!

Aaagh that was meant to say I would gladly NEVER set eyes on again!
Sorry for the long post - very cathartic though!

given what i find myself involved in, you'll probably feel quite good about yourself, OP. I find myself involved with a man who i an extremely attracted to. In recent weeks we have begun a steady string of emails at work - possibly 50 emails a week - about silly things, but increasingly flirtatious. I am trying hard to distract myself and put him out of my head, but god, it's hard to do. Yes we're both married and it is disgraceful and I'm not proud of myself. I think it is a myth that only unhappily married people start this kind of thing. It hasn't got any further than this. Maybe he's just being friends in his head? The thing is, I'm not sure how to stop it. Part of me thinks that his emails are just a friendship things, because we have a lot in common, and that if I suggest we stop he'll think i'm odd for reading more into it than he believes exists. But i suspect that this kind of attraction is generally mutual and I'm kidding myself that its just 'being frineds'. I don't ever talk about my marriage or confide in him in that way.I'm pretty confused. It's as if we have a second email relationship alongside our professional one. Please don't flame me. I'm fully aware of my shortcomings etc etc. and am really not the kind of person I thought would engage in this type of thing - an emotional affair?

better, yes that is most definitely an emotional affair. It's how my full blown affair started.It's very, very easy to 'cross the line' and topple into a physical affair. Step back, reduce your emails. Invest more in your marriage, less in emailing.

Of course crushes, inappropriate friendships and affairs happen despite being in a happy relationship. But that also produces danger, because people take too much comfort and security in that and assume they'll be able to put the brakes on an alternative friendship that is getting addictive. People often realise when it's too late that they have less willpower than they'd thought.

marina thankyou. I know it is an emotional affair - at least on my part, but his readiness in responding has taken me aback. It's quite something when you suddenly realise that someone else finds you as attractive potentially as you find them. I know what's at risk here too but somehow i just feel powerless to stop, and if i'm honest with myself, if he made a move I am not sure I'd be able to resist. He stroked my face last week to remove a speck of milk and I almost imploded. It doesn't help he manages me professionally. I'm not misreading this, am I? I'm trying to do what you say. At weekends I throw myself into family life. I focus on my r'ship with DH, making that fun and keeping it alive. We have a very good r'ship - emotionally and physically - so what on earth am I doing. Marina, what happened in your affair?

can I also say what a relief it is to tell someone. I obviously haven't talked to anyone. I feel very silly.

I totally agree with what Sternface said.

It is a myth that only unhappily married people start this kind of thing and, once started, it is very difficult to stop it. The only way is to be honest with the OM and honest with yourself that you are either looking for more than is on offer from the friendship, or reading too much into it.

I've been there too, and I know how quickly these friendships can escalate until it seems like there is nothing you can do to stop them. You can. You are making choices all the time when you invest in a friendship that could possibly turn into an affair if you choose to make it happen.

Exercising your willpower before things have gone too far is much much easier than trying to do it once the friendship/affair has turned into something more emotional or physical.

MarinaAzul says invest more in your marriage and less in e-mailing; and, whilst I would agree in part with that assessment, do be careful that you don't apportion 'blame' to your DH or your marriage if the 'fault' lies within you. By that I mean that, in order to give themselves permission to cheat (whether emotionally or physically) many people start to find fault with their DH/DW, when the 'problem' is actually with the cheater (e.g. possible mid-life crisis, low self-esteem, empty nest). It's easy to blame external factors without looking within to see what has made you react in this way to this man.

I made the mistake of looking for problems within my marriage after my first affair ended, and ended up having a second affair before I realised that the problem was how I viewed myself.

It is, as Marina says, very easy to cross the line, and very easy to justify why you should continue the friendship. Take it from one who knows just how these friendships can turn out, and save yourself from a whole load of pain and heartache by nipping this in the bud now.

No. I absolutely see myself at fault here and see no fault lying elsewhere. I can be entirely honest about what I'm doing, about myself and where the problem lies. It's exciting - to be attractive to antoher man, to be starting a new r'ship, discovering another person etc To go to work everyday with butterflies in my stomach and wondering if he feels the same way about me and wondering at him for responding to me because I never thought he would because he's married, but here I am, responding to him, even though married But yes, I know you are right, even though I suppose it's not what I want to hear.

better - at least you have acknowledged this now. Try and find something about him you could never put up with. Doesn't matter how small or stupid it is and make it a really big thing. One thing that helped me recently was the state of the man's shoes and he smelt very strongly of garlic one night when we were talking. That really helped believe it or not. I started to see him in boring, mundane terms again.

It also helped that he chats to dh too and they like one another. Dh hasn't realised my daft fantasy and I am so, so grateful for that!

Long story ,better, but I was single , he is married. I was utterly convinced he would leave his W. As soon as she found out ( weeks into our physical affair leading on from 6 months of emailing) I was dumped (politely) and am now completely ignored . We work for the same company, different depts. It is getting on for 2 years since it ended and I'm still hurt.

ilove, I am not suggesting that better is putting 'blame' on her DH at all. All relationships need investment, even the ones doing well.

This stood out for me ..the chance to be the 'old me' and have some meaningful conversations that weren't revolving around my kids

He represents a time when you didn't have the (dull and mundane) responsibilities you have now. I'm not saying it's all dull but there is a relentlessness to it, no? You have a shared history, shared bonds..

I'm surprised at people insisting you don't tell your DH. But I'm not married (now) and maybe I'm looking at things too much from a theory perspective? With that in mind, I would say that if you share everything and are totally honest with one another then definitely tell DH. He will probably be exposed to the same temptations - ie we all are - and to keep them under wraps adds to the deliciousness of them: a bit of brutal daylight goes a long way to exposing them for what they are. You know your DH and would know what is appropriate, but I'd want to be telling my DH if my heart was getting seriously dragged in another's direction - and I'd want him to tell me if he was being flattered in the same way. I don't think it's necessarily an indication of an unhappy relationship at all - imo it's plain old temptation, comes to us all.

Perhaps it's a wake-up call that yo're not investing enough in the magic and have allowed yourselves to get complacent about an element that needs nurturing. It may sound cheesey but you and DH may need to invest some time into bringing some of the magic back - it's easy to get snowed under by domestic responsibilities.

I'm wary about say this but: they say (whoever 'they' are!) that a strong component of falling in love is falling in love with yourself. Is there anything about yourself that you have you been neglecting?

Marina - you are absolutely right about needing to invest in your primary relationship rather than putting your energy into the 'new' one. What I was trying to say was that sometimes you get led up a blind alley trying to 'fix' your primary relationship when actually you need to look at yourself to see what's missing.

Hi all - just an aside to the conversation, this is a passage from WB Yeats which relates to this sort of situation...

"How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face."

(Problem is, we could all acknowledge that it's true and that we love our OHs and never ever want to hurt them, but on the other hand it can feel like denying part of yourself by avoiding / cutting contact with a crush...)