Unpleasant discovery.

[RoyalWelsh]

I have just had a bit of an unpleasant discovery.

So here is the background -

I have been ranting about DP on an increasing number of threads recently, as a different name (Slightobsession) that I had to ask MN to change because I think I have been outed in RL.

We have been together for over five years now, living together for four and a half. We met when I was 18 on the very first night at university. He was 21 and a local. We never really spent much time apart, he would stay every night in my room at halls, I split up with my long term boyfriend for him and then at the end of the uni year we moved in together.

I have always paid half of everything, plus ran a car, paid insurance, MOT etc on my own - which is fine because it is my car - he doesn't drive.

I have had two miscarriages this year, which is also the year that I finished my degree. I worked really hard to find a job (teaching) and we were set to move to the other end of the country so I could start my career. I found out I was pregnant the day we were supposed to move and so didn't go, for a number of reasons. I then miscarried (second time.) DP was wholly unsupportive during the first miscarriage and only slightly better the second time.

As a consequence, I am in a job that earns about one third of what DP does. Now, this is the bit that I am really struggling with. We still pay half of everything but now because I am working I feel obliged to buy the food shopping. I did put my foot down and say that I don't want to also buy his alcohol - he doesn't believe me when I say he drinks too much. He thinks a bottle of wine plus beer and maybe a glass of whiskey isn't excessive. I do and I refuse to pay for it now. I also still pay for the car, which is fine because it is mine, but as DP doesn't drive, I ferry him around.

I work two days a week most of the time, and I don't mind taking DP to work when I go because that seems fair. What annoys me is I will say "I don't have to be at work till 9" and he replies, "oh but I have to be in at 8" like I am just supposed to hang around for an hour. Then for the other three days out of the working week I take him and pick him up, which I don't mind doing, but I am spending my money on petrol to ferry him around. I am starting to resent that A Lot. He also expected me to, for example, bring him home from work and then an hour and a half later take him to the shops because he fancies some wine. To rectify this I have said "I will do a weekly shop with a meal plan. After this I will not be taking you to the shop." But then he doesn't want to eat what's on the meal plan and whinges for a take away etc.

The other day, the bank told him someone had cloned his card, which obviously is not his fault. He then had to wait for a few days for a new card to be sent to him, which is fine. He said that there were some bills that needed payinh from his account that were bouncing because he wasn't allowed to access his account or something, so asked if he could put money in my account for them to draw it out. I said fine.

I have jsut come online to check my account and see that yes, he did put money in my account and yes, some one did take it out, but it was a payday loan company for £280.

Am I being unkind to be really fucking angry at this? He earns nearly £20k and I know that this isn't a lot but I earn about £6k. He only pays half of the bills and rent which comes to about £400 a month and then pays £80 a month off a credit, what the fuck can he possibly need a payday loan for????

Even when I was a student I lent him money - £200 here £50 there. This is coming close to a deal breaker isn't it? Tell me I am not being unreasonable for being angry about this and confronting him about his behaviour regarding money?

Sorry it is so long - and the payday loan website was the unpleasant discovery btw!

You can have my job in Japan, if you like.
:)
This is something to consider, actually, given how expensive the UK has become.
I left to 'teach English in Japan' in 1992, and never returned to the UK to live, ever, and have only earned on average 17k a year since then, but I got heaps of vacation - 13 weeks paid a year - and none of the real responsibilities that comes with teaching in a real school in the UK.
In a nutshell, it's been a wonderful career - I call myself FILTH - Failed in London, Tried Honshu - not that I failed, I just left the UK, had no family ties and so on, pretty much an orphan.
I saved my money over here, but traveled abroad each vacation time - Asia, Africa, and so on - and when I had saved up enough for your average deposit in the UK, thought, sod that, I don't want to work forever paying it back, so invested in South Africa and Turkey instead, buying both seafront places for 30K each..and of course, they keep going up in price, not down, that is for sure.
Then I bought a boat...and all this on 17K a year.....and in March, at 43, and still with all my own teeth, I am gonna be free forever, unenslaved from the system.
Granted, I didn't have kids, I guess the planet is my kid, so it's been easier for me to stay out of the red, and also, having no family in the UK, I can live abroad without guilt trips going on, ergo, was all quite good fun and easy for me to achieve what I have achieved so far.

What I wrote might be a bit off topic, but if you don't have ties to the UK, then you might consider teaching abroad, especially in Japan.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do and have a fun time in the caravan.

By the way, I took four years off for travel between 2006 and 2011, and returned this year because, well, I could.

I can sympathise with your feelings that you have invested a lot in this relationship, and that you feel cheated (or even that you are cheating) by the fact that it has not turned out as you thought. I was in a crap relationship for waaay too long, due to some misguided idea that it was 'meant to be'.

I think that culturally we place too much stock in the idea of romantic love, that each person has 'the one' who they are destined to be with, and once they have found that person they have an obligation to stick with the relationship, no matter how crap it is, because that is their 'lot' in life.

Bollocks!

If you stop for even a moment to think about it, it is of course a load of crap. After all, given the size of the world population, it would have to be a bloody big coincidence (or ordained by some higher power) for you to ever bump into 'the one', let alone in a scenario which was conducive to starting a relationship.

I now think that there are a large number of people with whom we can have a successful relationship, and that if we meet one of these people at the right time for both parties, it is possible to be very happy together. I have a very happy relationship with my DP, but I think that as well as fancying the pants off each other, we are very compatible in terms of our attitudes to life and wants for the future. Our love for each other comes as much from the head as it does from the heart.

Life really is too short to stick with someone who is not making you happy. There is a world of opportunity out there, with chances for you to be vey happy in hundreds of ways. Go get it!

OP, when you say that your mum's house in Essex is 'too far away', what exactly is it too far away from? A place where you can only get seasonal work? A place where you cannot do what you are qualified to do as you are not fluent in its language? A place where your useless leech of an ex boyfriend lives?

I understand why it feels like such a massive step to completely cut your ties from there, but hopefully in the New Year, after a month or so of living in a caravan in freezing cold North Wales in December, you will realise that He Is Just Not Worth It.

Good luck. And I agree with Thistle regarding there only being one 'The One'. Or at least I bloody well hope that's the case (for my sake ).

agree, just why is Essex too far away ? It sounds very unlikely you will get a teaching job locally - there are too few schools and you don't met the basic criteria - so you need to look further afield anyway to increase those chances and being flexible and available will certainly help. Either he would eventually follow (what were the plans before you fell pg ) or he doesn't choose to continue a relationship with you unless it is on his terms and on his turf. Please make the break , it will test his mettle and I could put money on him becoming a memory once you do. Please don't isolate yourself over christmas , or you will continue to be at the beck and call of this leech and your "employer".

Come down to South Wales, the language requirements aren't so harsh. Or get over to Liverpool or Manchester, the life there for people who want to enjoy it is bloody amazing!
Please don't stay near to this boy child, he will draw you back in and you will regret it.

how's the caravan?

If you move to where the teaching jobs are you could be on £21k a year minimum starting salary. I think it might even have gone up a bit from that, and it is definitely higher in the London area. There are jobs, although the market is tough, particularly in Primary. Round my way there have been a fair number of jobs advertised. In Wales there are not the same jobs and they prioritise welsh speakers in many schools, understandably perhaps.

Don't stay somewhere where you have no opportunities just to be near a man who is sponging off you and being dishonest with you.

Get a copy of the TES or go on the Jobs part of the website and get yourself a decent job.

RoyalWelsh, Ive just read your thread and wanted to add that I am in N Wales, the area Im in is not primarily a welsh speaking area,so welsh is most definiately not a requirement for everywhere although you would be expected to have a basic grasp of the language..so please dont be disheartened. Are you applying to welsh medium schools? that could be the issue.

Eek, ok, sorry everyone, I am yet to set up my PC here so am replying from work. Incidentally, being in the caravan means I literally have to walk ten steps from there to work, which is ace!

Ok - Attila - sorry, it seems like I misled you with my dad, he and my mother were together until about two years ago, but it was a very nasty break up and he left the house about three months ago after being arrested and taken to court etc. He was a fabulous dad to my brother and I when we were little children, but as we got older we drifted apart. My mum always says he was scared of me because he was a bit of a bully and I was the only one in the house that would stand up to him and call him on his behaviour. He never makes the effort to speak to me - even when he lived with my mum the only way he knew what I was doing after I left for uni was because she used to tell him. I have tried initiating contact, but I got bored of him making me feel like shit because I didn't have a 'fairy tale' dad like my friends seem to have.

The caravan is fine, it is quite a posh one really. It has heating and things and it has three bedrooms and a garden which is grand for the dog. THe cat is driving me mental because she is used to going out but I don't want to risk her going out for a while yet - they say a good four weeks don't they?

Being on my own without him has made me remember the really good things about him. I think I got very bogged down in the resentment I was feeling, but now I am on my own most of the time I remember the way he always calls me beautiful in the morning, even when I look like shit and the way that he would buy me little presents like chocolate and sweets that I like for no reason. Or the way that if I bumped into his colleagues, they would know all about what I am doing because he talks about me so often - even his customers get to know what I am doing. I bumped into someone I vaguely knew in Morrisons a couple of months ago who gets work done by DP and she said that he said how proud he was of me for graduating.

I know the good doesn't cancel out how twattish he has been, but it makes me smile because I know that not all of the five years has been wasted, IYSWIM? It also makes me realise that I would like to save the relationship if at all possible. I know that it may Not be, but we did have a massive conversation about it all. I do believe he is sorry and I do believe he loves me. And I do love him. Ultimately, though, I don't want to be in a relationship like my parents - I want to be in a healthy, open relationship and we were in the beginning. Something just happened along the way.

And he was so... wonderful in the beginning, he really was. For the first three years, I suppose. I was attacked when I was 16 by a cab driver on the way home from a club and he kept me in his cab for four hours abusing me. I didn't tell the police or my parents, but I did tell the boyfriend I had at the time (I had been with him for about two months by then) and I would have nightmares about it. When I woke up, if I was with my boyfriend, I would wake him up and we would have sex. I'm not sure if it makes sense, but it was a very unhealthy way to make myself feel better - in fact, it didn't make me feel better. When I met my current DP and I had these nightmares and tried to have sex with him, he would say " there has to be a better way to make you feel better than this" and instead he would just hold me and talk to me and promise me no one would ever hurt me again. Eventually, I stopped having nightmares.

He wants to take me out for dinner on Friday and I said yes. Even after being apart for less than a week, the thought of seeing him on Friday gves me butterflies - the good kind. He has said that if I want, I can see his bank statements until I trust him again and we can go over them and together work out a budget for him and he will save money, putting it aside to show he takes our future seriously. He has also said that he will go teetotal for a month to prove that he can and then after that cut it down to two bottles a week.

In terms of job seeking I am working really hard on my Welsh, because I love it here and don't really want to leave. That's why we stayed when I was pregnant instead of moving to Suffolk - this is where I want to raise my family. I am also going to set aside one of my days off to go around all the schools on the island with my CV.

Oddly enough, I am feeling very positive today.

Sorry it is such a lengthy post and I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone by saying that I want to see if I can salvage the relationship. I'm not looking at it with rose coloured glasses, I know that it is highly likely that he won't be able to change his habits, but if he can then it will be a start.

Also.. Memorylapse, are you in the denbighshire area? That seems to me to be a good place to look for English speakers - or Conwy maybe? I am currently trawling through the Estyn website to pinpoint the ones with high percentages of EFL children!

Glad you're feeling a bit better Royal.

Don't want to piss on your parade but please keep him at arms length for a few months, 3 days is not going to clear your head.

Dump him - he's a loser!
DO IT!

Oh I'm not moving back in with him fuzzy - I just realised how much money I am going to be saving! My boss is letting me stay in the caravan for an absolute pittance and I feel as though I deserve courting by him or by someone else if I choose it to be so!

Just read whole thread. You deserve a better life than this OP and you will have one, as soon as you start teaching. You will meet loads of people, and have some money and freedom.

I would also urge you to consider taking a 'gap year' and go and work abroad. Teaching in Asia is fantastic, a really good way to cut your teeth teaching and also as a way of gaining confidence and independence. It sounds like it would really suit you and it would look great on your CV.

I think you're in danger of being that cliche that sticks to what she knows, and you could do so much better. The world is your oyster and there are so many lovely, kind, passionate, caring men out there. Your DP supported you though a difficult time, but you don't owe him anything. You've had some good times together - as you said, this time apart will allow you to get used to being on your own. But with no new projects, men or job on the horizon, it's always going to seem like an appealing prospect to go back to him - you know you shouldn't so please don't.

Good luck, stay strong and look into your options - you are so young yet. Please consider buggering off to Asia for a year to teach - I guarantee you'd love it and it would do wonders for your self-esteem. Feel free to PM me

ok

You were with a self-serving, whinging, deceitful, lazy, parasitic, finacially-abusive twat who moved in on you when you were 18, naive, had little self esteem and a student

he hung onto you while you qualified, all the while leeching and using you as an unpaid taxi driver and general dogsbody (realising he had found his cash cow, he wouldn't let go so easily)

Then you had a little light bulb moment and decided to still be with him, but swap a comfortable home for a caravan in december

you sit in that caravan and decide he isn't so bad after all, in fact you remember all the "wonderful" things about him

despite being young, and having the world at your feet, you cling on to the thought that he is "The One" despite the glaring fact that he is just another tosser...believe me love, there are plenty of tossers in this world, they are ten-a-penny

all this on the "evidence" of seeing a couple of bank statements and an empty promise to cut down on the drinking

really ?

this is the best you can see for your life ?

this bloke must be very, very good at whatever he is doing

btw, no other decent man will come "courting" while this loser is stll sniffing around

I think you should get some counselling or talk to Rape Crisis and deal with what happened to you at 16 properly. I'm so sorry that happened to you .

You can't use relationships as therapy - you need to address this issue instead of seeking comfort through a man. He may be better and kinder than the boyfriend you had at the time, but he isn't 'safe' - he has let you down more than once.

I think you would benefit from going through a counselling process so you can be in a really healthy place psychologically. Then you will be better placed to see whether you really want or need this relationship with this man.

I agree that you should seek counselling.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Are you still/ intending on sleeping with him, because getting pregnant, in the midst of all this would not be a good idea.

As for your boss, does he realise that it is the govt who pay mat pay? Making you falsely claim self employment is illegal for both of you. Get out of his caravan and rent a room in a shared flat somewhere, maybe with other teachers?

I know you think you have invested a lot & I understand the reluctance to let this go (have been & seen friends in this position) but honestly you deserve better. You have so much fun ahead of you & plenty of time to get to know yourself & find a decent partner who is really a partner ie is a supporter. You are not being unreasonable - YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Good luck!

It makes me literally want to cry to see a young woman wasting her life on a mere man

A shite man, at that

5 years already given over to him. Throwing more good years after bad is not the way to make it all go away.

ok give him yet another chance. we'll wait another few months before another thread with the same old shit shows up.

i'll try anyway.

the man he was when you first met doesn't exist. anyone can put up a front for the first few months. the man he is now is the real man and the one you met is long gone and isn't coming back.

please move on now.

RoyalWelsh..Im in Flintshire Denbighshire is still quite welsh speaking in many areas (Ruthin etc) but areas like LLandudno,Conwy etc are not so..Where I live, most Schools are EFL, with a few welsh medium schools, I have a feeling I know where you are and most of that area is very WFL, Gwynedd in generally has a high proportion of Welsh language speakers as a first language, Im originally from Bangor and went to a welsh medium primary school.

I'm really pleased you feel so settled in the caravan. I can sense your happiness in your own company. That's fab

i agree with others about setting a lengthy time to be on your own, because I think you'll learn a lot about who you are and what you want that way.

If this really is 'mr Right' and you really are destined to spend the rest of your life with him, then taking 6 months to a year out of that time doesn't seem such a lot to me.

And if he is 'mr right' then he'll respect that decision and do all he can to support you in what you need to do.