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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unpleasant discovery.

99 replies

RoyalWelsh · 02/12/2011 17:35

I have just had a bit of an unpleasant discovery.

So here is the background -

I have been ranting about DP on an increasing number of threads recently, as a different name (Slightobsession) that I had to ask MN to change because I think I have been outed in RL.

We have been together for over five years now, living together for four and a half. We met when I was 18 on the very first night at university. He was 21 and a local. We never really spent much time apart, he would stay every night in my room at halls, I split up with my long term boyfriend for him and then at the end of the uni year we moved in together.

I have always paid half of everything, plus ran a car, paid insurance, MOT etc on my own - which is fine because it is my car - he doesn't drive.

I have had two miscarriages this year, which is also the year that I finished my degree. I worked really hard to find a job (teaching) and we were set to move to the other end of the country so I could start my career. I found out I was pregnant the day we were supposed to move and so didn't go, for a number of reasons. I then miscarried (second time.) DP was wholly unsupportive during the first miscarriage and only slightly better the second time.

As a consequence, I am in a job that earns about one third of what DP does. Now, this is the bit that I am really struggling with. We still pay half of everything but now because I am working I feel obliged to buy the food shopping. I did put my foot down and say that I don't want to also buy his alcohol - he doesn't believe me when I say he drinks too much. He thinks a bottle of wine plus beer and maybe a glass of whiskey isn't excessive. I do and I refuse to pay for it now. I also still pay for the car, which is fine because it is mine, but as DP doesn't drive, I ferry him around.

I work two days a week most of the time, and I don't mind taking DP to work when I go because that seems fair. What annoys me is I will say "I don't have to be at work till 9" and he replies, "oh but I have to be in at 8" like I am just supposed to hang around for an hour. Then for the other three days out of the working week I take him and pick him up, which I don't mind doing, but I am spending my money on petrol to ferry him around. I am starting to resent that A Lot. He also expected me to, for example, bring him home from work and then an hour and a half later take him to the shops because he fancies some wine. To rectify this I have said "I will do a weekly shop with a meal plan. After this I will not be taking you to the shop." But then he doesn't want to eat what's on the meal plan and whinges for a take away etc.

The other day, the bank told him someone had cloned his card, which obviously is not his fault. He then had to wait for a few days for a new card to be sent to him, which is fine. He said that there were some bills that needed payinh from his account that were bouncing because he wasn't allowed to access his account or something, so asked if he could put money in my account for them to draw it out. I said fine.

I have jsut come online to check my account and see that yes, he did put money in my account and yes, some one did take it out, but it was a payday loan company for £280.

Am I being unkind to be really fucking angry at this? He earns nearly £20k and I know that this isn't a lot but I earn about £6k. He only pays half of the bills and rent which comes to about £400 a month and then pays £80 a month off a credit, what the fuck can he possibly need a payday loan for????

Even when I was a student I lent him money - £200 here £50 there. This is coming close to a deal breaker isn't it? Tell me I am not being unreasonable for being angry about this and confronting him about his behaviour regarding money?

Sorry it is so long - and the payday loan website was the unpleasant discovery btw!

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 02/12/2011 20:21

I'd really sort your contraception out or stop trying to ttc whichever, as you don't want to be tied to this boy with a baby trust me Sad

I think you were very young when you met him and at uni so searching frantically for some friends/security in those daunting first few weeks. IMO you've outgrown him, move on.

piratecat · 02/12/2011 20:26

i think you need to move on. You are changing, and will change again.
I think you have outgrown him, and you do seem to have alot going for you.

FabbyChic · 02/12/2011 20:29

You are out growing him, you are responsible he is not, your relationship won't last the distance.

You should pay equal percentages not half each if he earns 3 times more than you then he pays three times more of the joint bills.

buzzswellington · 02/12/2011 20:38

Don't think that because you've spent 5 years with him to call it a day would be a waste - what would be a waste would be to pour more years in for the sake of how you felt about him in the past and for the sake of those five years.

savoycabbage · 02/12/2011 20:42

You have had some great advice on here. You sound do lovely with so much going for you. It won't be easy to make the change but you are young and not married.

It's a great idea to see if there is someone from Uni that you could live with. Practical and it will expose you to a different way of life.

Good luck and I hope you leave. You deserve so much more.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/12/2011 20:45

Yup, bin him. You don't need his permission to bin him, you don't need to find a reason that he will accept, you just need to bin him. You've outgrown this useless lazy parasite. Don't fret about him, he will find another young impressionable woman to service him, and when she outgrows him, move on to another one. Until he's an incontinent toothless drunk that no younger women want to play with any more.

Dalrymps · 02/12/2011 20:47

This isn't good enough. You can do a LOT better. Please make sure you use contraception. If you're feeling like this now you will feel like it many times again and certainly will want to end this at some point. If you have a baby it will be 10 x harder to leave than it is now. Never mind how much you've invested, the rest of your life is on front of you and you can do anything you like with it. Really, the sky is the limit. Don't waste time being unhappy!

duvetdayplease · 02/12/2011 20:52

I think the fact you've spent five years together is no reason to stay together. I was with my first bf from 17 to 22, I changed and he changed as we grew up, it wasn't right.

You've identified some major, major issues - he was unsympathetic about miscarriages, is crap with money, unfair about money, expects you to do a lot for him and is a big drinker/alcoholic. All of these things will in all likelihood get worse. You are in the early stages of life - major stresses ahead - children, mortgages etc - if he is this unhelpful now it will get worse.

I'd follow the advice you've had above, be alone or find someone better, get yourself a great teaching job. You've outgrown him, it's sad, it happens. Don't stay with someone for a memory. My first boyfriend? He's still pissed - pretty much every day. I have a lovely husband now, wow, I dread to think what real life would have been like with my first love!

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/12/2011 20:54

-he won't share his money with you
-he has secret debts
-he doesn't care about supporting you in a difficult time
-he doesn't value your opinions
-he doesn't value your time
-you don't have kids, a mortgage or a marriage with him
-you are only 24

If you don't cut this loser free and get on with having a brilliant life for yourself then you are a fool. Move on. He doesn't deserve you!

Barreal · 02/12/2011 20:56

You're young, you have the rest of your life ahead of you.
Move on from this person.
5 years is nothing, especially since 3 of those were spent on uni time, so you had a lover for that time, it was fun, but in the real world, and once out there to start forging a career for yourself, it becomes very different.
You're lucky you've cottoned onto what life could be with him at a very, very early stage.
Get movin' and groovin' again.

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/12/2011 20:56

I forgot
-he's got a drink problem

Barreal · 02/12/2011 20:57

By the way, are you wanting kids so young? You mentioned miscarriages. Were you hoping to have a child with this man, or did you just get pregnant without planning? You're young, carve yourself a career, make uni worth the time and effort you put into it, explore a bit, widen your circle, and hopefully find somebody worthy of fatherhood one day.

AitchTwoOh · 02/12/2011 21:01

you're just outgrowing him. sad, but there you go. better to move now than get further tied down.

AmberLeaf · 02/12/2011 21:08

OMG.

I was shocked when you mentioned your salaries...I was expecting you to say him 60k you 20k! he expects you to pay all of that when you earn 6k?!

Hes a leaching pisstaker.

Bin him.

GeekLove · 02/12/2011 22:02

Are you dating my loser ex?
He sounds like someone who I went out with for 18 months at Uni. I was with him for long enough to watch him change from geeky but cute and attentive student to annoying bitchy miserable got who's idea of fun was to listen to the Cure and having a cry. in that time he became Passive aggressive, critical of everything I did and viewed any successes I had with disdain. He was so spineless I had to dump him as he hadn't got the guts.
The reason why I had put up with that I wanted to believe he was THe One and this was on the strength on what he was at the beginning and on what he could have been if he had actually done his work and not got addicted to gaming and depression sessions. I convinced myself that his depression was a tempory thing and could be treated, that he would get better in time and that living as a couple would make him happy and that he could get a good job after graduating, and that his general passive aggression and EA were symptoms of his depression and nothing to do with the fact that the relationship should have ended months ago. He was an emotional leech but it took a month before I realised what a crappy relationship it was when I realised I did not have to mop up his emotional diarhorra, guild his ego or give two shits that he was failing his degree.
It was my pride and wanting to be in love and in not wanting to admit what a big loser he was that had kept us together for that long.

So I am still angry at myself for wasting time then even though no Money was involved. Bin the leech - maybe he can join my ex in being proffesional cocklogers.

StickyGhostofXmasPast · 02/12/2011 22:53

Royal I half read your thread and thought it must be about your teenage son, I'm shocked to re-read and find it is your OH. Get rid of asap!

verytellytubby · 03/12/2011 01:29

Life is not a dress rehearsal. He sounds awful.

NunTheWiser · 03/12/2011 01:36

Please don't have a baby with this man. He's an emotional and financial leech. You could have such a wonderful and rewarding life without him.

noseinbook · 03/12/2011 01:45

Get out. I have recently woken up to find I've been supporting mine for several decades.

carantala · 03/12/2011 02:07

Arguments about money or sex signal the end of a relationship!

spiderslegs · 03/12/2011 02:07

Ahhh - you are young.

He is a tosser.

You will look back in ten years & think WTF?

DO NOT REPRODUCE WITH THIS MAN.

Don't.

Petisa · 03/12/2011 02:19

OP this happens you spend years with someone and think they are the bees knees then you realise they are a complete tosser and wonder what the hell you were doing with them all these years. Get rid and move on.

You deserve much better.

Beckamaw · 03/12/2011 09:19

If this sounds nit picking, sorry.
Can you just confirm to me that you earn 6K and pay £500 per month towards bills and then pay for all petrol etc?
If so, how?
Are you very loaded, in receipt of benefits or are you doing this on credit?
Just seems a relevant question in light of the situation.

Smum99 · 03/12/2011 09:28

Please end this relationship - you are not in an acceptable relation ship and you are being the parent to this man..which he is very happy for you to do.

I was in a similar relationship years ago - eventually ended it but I wish someone had given me the courage to leave earlier. What is making you stay? You could be in a great relationship with an equal, who isn't heading to being an alcoholic.

You are so young - most people don't settle down til their late 20's so you have loads of time. Often it's factors in our childhood that make us stay in unhealthy relationships..Please do not get pregnant.

Proudnscary · 03/12/2011 09:40

Although I don't wish to be insensitive because you have gone through the heartache of miscarriage, it's a good thing you have not had children with this man.

Please have children with a man who respects and loves you - you owe it to your future dc. Or you will be catapaulting them into a world of pain. Remember that. It's not just about you if you're trying for a baby.

There is nothing to tie him to you or vice versa. If you feel this way now, and he he is behaving this way now, it will be so so much worse in 10/20 years time when you do have kids and a mortgage and he is still being a arsehole.