Unpleasant discovery.

[RoyalWelsh]

I have just had a bit of an unpleasant discovery.

So here is the background -

I have been ranting about DP on an increasing number of threads recently, as a different name (Slightobsession) that I had to ask MN to change because I think I have been outed in RL.

We have been together for over five years now, living together for four and a half. We met when I was 18 on the very first night at university. He was 21 and a local. We never really spent much time apart, he would stay every night in my room at halls, I split up with my long term boyfriend for him and then at the end of the uni year we moved in together.

I have always paid half of everything, plus ran a car, paid insurance, MOT etc on my own - which is fine because it is my car - he doesn't drive.

I have had two miscarriages this year, which is also the year that I finished my degree. I worked really hard to find a job (teaching) and we were set to move to the other end of the country so I could start my career. I found out I was pregnant the day we were supposed to move and so didn't go, for a number of reasons. I then miscarried (second time.) DP was wholly unsupportive during the first miscarriage and only slightly better the second time.

As a consequence, I am in a job that earns about one third of what DP does. Now, this is the bit that I am really struggling with. We still pay half of everything but now because I am working I feel obliged to buy the food shopping. I did put my foot down and say that I don't want to also buy his alcohol - he doesn't believe me when I say he drinks too much. He thinks a bottle of wine plus beer and maybe a glass of whiskey isn't excessive. I do and I refuse to pay for it now. I also still pay for the car, which is fine because it is mine, but as DP doesn't drive, I ferry him around.

I work two days a week most of the time, and I don't mind taking DP to work when I go because that seems fair. What annoys me is I will say "I don't have to be at work till 9" and he replies, "oh but I have to be in at 8" like I am just supposed to hang around for an hour. Then for the other three days out of the working week I take him and pick him up, which I don't mind doing, but I am spending my money on petrol to ferry him around. I am starting to resent that A Lot. He also expected me to, for example, bring him home from work and then an hour and a half later take him to the shops because he fancies some wine. To rectify this I have said "I will do a weekly shop with a meal plan. After this I will not be taking you to the shop." But then he doesn't want to eat what's on the meal plan and whinges for a take away etc.

The other day, the bank told him someone had cloned his card, which obviously is not his fault. He then had to wait for a few days for a new card to be sent to him, which is fine. He said that there were some bills that needed payinh from his account that were bouncing because he wasn't allowed to access his account or something, so asked if he could put money in my account for them to draw it out. I said fine.

I have jsut come online to check my account and see that yes, he did put money in my account and yes, some one did take it out, but it was a payday loan company for £280.

Am I being unkind to be really fucking angry at this? He earns nearly £20k and I know that this isn't a lot but I earn about £6k. He only pays half of the bills and rent which comes to about £400 a month and then pays £80 a month off a credit, what the fuck can he possibly need a payday loan for????

Even when I was a student I lent him money - £200 here £50 there. This is coming close to a deal breaker isn't it? Tell me I am not being unreasonable for being angry about this and confronting him about his behaviour regarding money?

Sorry it is so long - and the payday loan website was the unpleasant discovery btw!

Right, ok, I'm posting on my phone so I can't promise I will answer everyone's questions, but here is an update/reply:

Someone asked how I could pay half on 6k, I only graduated this year, so until July ish I had my student loan plus a part time job, then over the summer my seasonal part time job meant I was being paid well. When we found out I was pregnant and decided to stay put, I asked my boss if I could stay on. He said yes, luckily, but could only promise me two days a week. He also askedme to go self employed because he didnt want to/couldn't afford maternity pay. My basic wage until summer when my hours may go up works out at 6k.

Really, I knew what people would say if I posted and I think that's why I did. I was after the push to do something about it, IYSWIM.

So, I showed him the thread last night and he was upset by it. He said that if he was just reading it without knowing the people involved he would have called the OP's DP a cunt and I said something along the lines of, well what does that tell you.

The long and the short of it is, like someone up thread said, I dont like him. I do love him, I know that may be unadvisable but I do. He promises that he adores me, which I know was true in the beginning. At the same time, I'm not prepared to carry on living this way because it has been, well, quite shit. I'm fast growing resentful of his habits and spending and drinking and the latest discovery has really affected the trust I have in him.

I decided that it would be best if we lived apart. My boss has a static caravan that is free for a few months so I'm going to live there - I would rather move out than stay in the house and be saddled with the bills. The agreement at the moment is that we will 'date' so we are still technically together but with a lot more space. I also want him to cut back on his drinking and to demonstrate the ability to save. So far he has been visibly devastated, but I have read enough of these threads to know that tears don't mean much, it is how he follows through on his promises to modify his behaviour.

In an ideal world we would get to a place where I recognise him as the person I thought I was in a relationship with, and was for a long time. If that doesn't happen, though, by moving out I think I am giving myself a chance to ease in to the idea of being on my own.

It has been a bit of a mess of a weekend so far, and I am feeling quite upset, but am also feeling sneakily a bit liberated. Thankyou to everyone that posted - I knew what I had to do, deep down, but needed you to push me to do it!

way to go Royalwelsh!!

You sound completely together and confident and in control!!

Stick to your guns and accept nothing less that what you deserve!

I'm so pleased it has gone well for you (if a little traumatic) this weekend.

You are going to live in a caravan in December?
I think you are right to wait and see if his actions show that he is serious.

You're going to 'date'? Really? Then please please give it a deadline (don't tell him this). Only continue this relationship if he shows 100% improvement in all areas he won't

Use contraception, re-read all the excellent advice you've received (it seems the whole of mn is on your behalf) and keep posting.

yes...suitable heating and bed socks!!!

I was a totally different person at 23 to 18, deeply unhappy with a man i met at a similar age to you, whilst at Uni, who was also a local. The best thing he ever did was ask me to move back home after we tried living down south and it was a disaster. I really don't think i would have had the strength to leave him at the time. He did me a massive favour looking back!

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages, but his lack of support through them make me worry about how selfish he could be if children do come along. Deceitfulness, not being good with money, selfishness...i think you should move on and look to the future and focus on your dream job.

In a caravan in north wales in December. I should theoretically be ok, I have many many blankets and a snuggly dog.

I'm not confident at all - quite frankly I am shitting myself. I've never lived on my own before and I've had a boyfriend since I was 14. But I just keep thinking that if I had managed to keep either or both of my pregnancies I would want them to see their mother with a man who was responsible and sensible and trustworthy, if that makes sense.

In my mind he's got until January really. That's when I will start looking for teaching jobs further afield (I have been looking but half heartedly and only locally where there is the language issue.) I think as well that if he can stay on top of his drinking and money while basically being on his own over Christmas, he may have broken the back of it.

As someone who has had her card cloned, his story about not being able to access his bank account is pure rubbish. I couldn't use my card but that didn't stop my bank account running as normal with direct debits being honoured etc. I could have gone into the bank to get money out as well, just couldn't use my card until the new one arrived.

I don't understand why you are paying more than 50/50 (when you take his car use into account) and yet he earns 3.5 times your salary. Based on your relative incomes he should be paying 80% and you 20% maximum.

From what you say he doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh. You're young, you've got a good education so I don't understand why you aren't trying to get a teaching job.

Just seen your latest post. You should be looking for teaching jobs now with a view to starting them in January. If you start looking in Jan then you probably won't get a job before Easter or even Sept. Just think, do you want another year to go by and still be in the position you are now? By then you will have another year's worth of teaching graduates to compete with too.

You have a great base to work from. You can get yourself a good job and you can be independent. In 10 years time you'll look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking settling down with a man that is not worthy of your attention. It's hard to be on your own, but in return you will find out who you are and what you can be. Don't settle for second best, don't make do with someone you are already doubtful about. You can and will find the person you want to be with. Please don't even consider having children with this man, once you do that the impact on your life and future prospects are indelibly changed. You are still in a position of choice, you are intelligent, use your abilities

I wish you hadn't said that about the card,MollieO, as it means it's somethig else he has lied about.

Perhaps I should have said earlier that I don't mind paying half of the bills and rent, not at all. I do think perhaps he should pay petrol money though. I wouldn't expect him to pay my insurance or things like that though.

I looked for a teaching job - I sent out 70 applications and got back 20 invites to interview, which in the current job Market is something I am really proud of. I spent in the region of£800 getting to 8 interviews all over the country and got a job. Because I got pregnant though, I turned it down, which, had I not lost the baby, would have been the right decision. I am looking for jobs now but it has taken longer, it seems, to feel normal after losing the baby, so I suppose I haven't been as eager as I was previously. I am also hindered by the fact that I am not first language/fluent welsh, which is almost always a requirement here.

I find it very worrying that

1. you are now technically SE
2. you are living in a caravan over what is probably the worst season of the year.
3. he thinks he has a good chance of persuadign you to get back together.

Whereabouts do you come from ? Could you move back in with or near your family for support whiel you recover from the relationship and the mc's and even look for supply work/maternity cover until something permanent comes up? If he really loves you such a distance won't make a difference in the long run.

Can't you do supply? Please focus on getting your career started, you will so regret wasting your opportunities and putting things on hold for the sake of this relationship.

Why would you want to make a relationship work with someone who treats you so badly? Really don't understand that at all. If I were you I would be looking to move back closer to my family to get their support whilst I job hunt. Why don't you do a list of plusses and minuses and see where you end up. I can't see how living in a caravan working two days a week is a position you should be settling for.

"My dad was appalling with money, we were always fending off bailiffs and my mother had to remortgage the house twice. I don't know if this is colouring my judgement of the money thing".

Hi RoyalWelsh,

re your above comment I think this is partly why you've ended up with the alcohol dependent cocklodger. Your parents taught you some damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and your childhood overall seems pretty chaotic.

I would not be giving your drunkard any more of your time frankly. I also think he's lied to you about the card cloning as well.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

I note too that you have not been without a boyfriend since you were 14 (why is that really?) - time to put yourself first for a change instead of investing too heavily in unsuitable men, the current one being a prime example of unsuitability as he just wants a sap i.e you to enable his behaviour which you have done to a tee. Small wonder he doesn't want you to leave. If you continue to date he will just drag you down with him and he is already doing that.

Bin him off and read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. You need to read that book and work on restoring your own self esteem and worth because you were and remain vulnerable to the attentions of such predators. Be on your own and raise your own relationship bar.

I have thought about going back to my mother, but she is in Essex so it's a bit far. She also has a three bed house where she, my brother and a lodger live, so there isnt room for me unfortunately. My father is... Well last time I heard he was in Bournemouth but I have no idea if that is true.

I am on the supply list but to give you an idea - I have taken my CV in to two schools in the area that I knew had 100% of pupils with English as their main language and not welsh. They both said they wouldn't even consider supply teachers that werent fluent. I can get by in a conversation and am taking classes as well as online courses, which help, and the counties nearer the border aren't as strict which is good.

I have always had appalling self esteem, Atilla, low self esteem, low self confidence... It's the same old story as a hundred women posting what amounts to the same story all over these boards. I'm sure if I read someone else's story I would be saying exactly the same thing as everyone else. It's a different kettle of fish when it's you doing the typing though! I do feel rather silly!

I am sorry but not altogether surprised to read that your Dad is absent from your day to day life. How old were you when he left?. You seemingly have no idea where he is now.

What do you get from this relationship you have had with this man (I use that word advisedly) you've written of for the past few years now?. I note you did not answer that so I presume its nothing much.

Why have you put yourself through all that, the answers to that question lies within you.

You have one life, just one - fgs, get yourself over the border into a city and chase down a future. You don't have to end it with this guy, but don't let him hold you back. You have everything going for you.

You don't need a father figure in your life to develop self esteem and self confidence. My parents were happily married and yet every single one of my school reports said I lacked confidence. Ds has no father figure and yet has confidence in spades.

Have you spoken to your mother? Do you have friends locally that could help you? Sounds to me that you need to make a break and move if you can't get a job unless you are fluent in Welsh. You really need to act now if you want to have a career. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to get the job you want. Having 20 offers of interviews is great but it will be next years graduates who will be getting that, not you, if you don't do something sooner.

There is nothing you have posted about your boyfriend that would make it preferable to stay with him rather than being on your own.

The key thing about self confidence is when you realise that absolutely everyone who is worth anything feels exactly the same way you do right now.

having confidence is really about how well you manage your own insecurities. if you can keep a check of those doubting little voices in your head and learn to keep them at bay, then you are doing ok!!

And you really do sound like you are.

I think you are going to need support around you in friends, and its going to be un-fucking-believably cold....but I also think living by yourself is exactly what you need to do!!

I agree with everything said upthread. Just wanted to add that I am a bit concerned about the business with the payday loan. These loans are normally set up by giving a continuous payment authority on a debit card. Whilst I appreciate that the full loan appears to have been paid off this time, I would advise you to contact your bank asap and ask them to cancel your debit card in order to stop your partner from doing this again. You don't have to go into detail if you don't want, you can just tell the bank you have lost your card. Bank should reissue new card under a different number within a week or so, and you can ensure this is no longer accessible to P. Your account will not be frozen and if you need cash you can normally make arrangments to withdraw it in branch with your ID, or by special pin number which bank may give you to use at a cashpoint.

Footnote: I work as an adviser for a debt advice charity, and I have also fallen victim to card cloning in the past - your partner's version of events sounds like crapola to me, sorry.

Good luck with moving on :)

I could have written your post 10 years ago OP. I was living with my Ex and was more like a mother to him than a partner. Everything you describe in your post including his heavy drinking. I think part of why I stayed with him so long was the question over how he would cope when I left and my feelings of really wanting him to be "the one". I look back now and am astounded by how low my self esteem was to put up with as much as I did for so long. What helped me was to have a serious think about what I wanted in my future 5, 10, 20 years down the track. Is this what you want in your future? Are these issues you want in your marriage and from the father to your children?

Now I am happily married to a kind, supportive, honest man and I sometimes wonder what on earth made me stay with my ex. I think that low self esteem was a major factor. You might not believe it yet but you really do deserve so much better than this.

Royal
I am a chick and have a boat and have lived on it heaps by myself, in this bay in boondocks Mexico, surrounded by desert, and it's such fun, and even though I am currently in a tiny apt. in Japan, I would love to live in a caravan instead. It's like camping. I love different living spaces. You can make it cosy, get those hot water bottles going. Love it. Caravans are great.