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Original poster

Would you write this letter to have the last word?

57 replies

miserablenovember · 29/11/2011 15:30

A few weeks ago I was dumped by email, ending a LDR. It was a shock, he was blunt, he took back the "I love you" comments he had made 2 days before, and confessed he'd been playing the field with other women, though not actually sleeping with any of them. In my panic I called him straight away. We had a reasonable conversation about why he wanted to play the field ( newly divorced) but he had been stringing me along, first as a long term friend, then a bit more, making me think I was "the one". During our phone chat I asked if he would meet for one last drink, before I drove home, as we had been friends for years before we dated, and he agreed. After I'd slept on it, I decided not to- it seemed pointless- so I emailed him to cancel and said take care- ending it, really.

However, since then I have been full of anger at how he led me along, and did a U turn almost overnight. There's loads I want to say- not a rant as much , but definitely telling him a few home truths about his behaviour. Is it worth it though or should I stay quiet and dignified?

OP posts:
ZZMum · 29/11/2011 15:32

always go for dignity - rant here to get it off your chest but telling him is not not going to change anything so do not do it!

TooEasilyTempted · 29/11/2011 15:36

Please please please don't give him the satisfaction. Your words will mean nothing to him anyway, you won't hurt him, you won't make him think about his behaviour, he will brush them off as if they are nothing.

Rant on here, or write a letter including everything you want to say to him, then shred it or burn it or tear it up into hundreds of pieces.

NatashaBee · 29/11/2011 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 15:38

I personally wouldn't do it. What for? Write it all down on a piece of paper then destroy it.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 29/11/2011 15:38

Rant away here for posterity and write it all down on paper in rl,, then ceremoniously burn it and banish all thoughts of him from your mind.

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 15:39

x post with other likeminded MNer Smile

Snorbs · 29/11/2011 15:42

Write it all down but don't send it. Burn it. It's cathartic.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 29/11/2011 15:43

I know you are right. The only reason I wanted to was that when we talked, I was very controlled and calm. It was an amicable chat in many ways but when I re-read his email which was a bit ambiguous in places, and fully digested it, I wanted to tear him limb from limb! I am also conscious that I finally ended it by cancelling our "final" drink - because his words were he "wanted to leave it for a few months" after that- and we all know what that means, don't we?

OP posts:
effingwotsits · 29/11/2011 15:45

You have walked away from the situation with dignity. Leave it at that however hard it seems. Any outburst now would have him believe he was something special, which it seems, he is not.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 29/11/2011 15:51

If I said that he has been in my life for 40 years- as a friend for a lot of that time- would that make you see why I am so hurt?

He was an ex- a very special ex.

We kept in touch for decades, when we were both married- Xmas cards, birthdays etc. all very long distance. I was now single and he was too. He said he wanted me, but when it came to it, he seemed to have a complete change of heart - and I just don't know why. So I've lost a long term friend as well as a potential partner. I suppose I am looking for closure.

OP posts:
Catslikehats · 29/11/2011 16:06

Don't do it.

You have walked away with your dignity in tact. Meeting him will destroy that. If he cared how you felt he wouldn't have strung you along. I'm sorry taht is hard to hear but it is true.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 29/11/2011 16:07

No- not going to meet as he lives miles away- but was wanting to write.

OP posts:
ayaybabooshka · 29/11/2011 18:21

Don't write. Maintain your dignity.

(I did write, once, and I really wish I hadn't. I've regretted it ever since. It made no difference to how he felt and I just ended up looking, well, a bit mad, tbh.)

Original poster
miserablenovember · 29/11/2011 19:46

I know, I know.
But he ended a very long close friendship, decades, and a promise of something lasting, ( lifelong regrets of not snapping me up when he could have years ago- repeated this to me over years) with a cold email and a Take Care.

It was unbelievable. I suppose I am wondering what he might have done if I had not ducked out of the drink.

Bastard.

OP posts:
sternface · 29/11/2011 20:11

Your anger might not just be about the sudden ending, but the effect you have allowed him to have on your life all these years. Was he a blight on your marriage? You said you kept in touch with him throughout it. Did you find yourself comparing your husband with him and blame your husband for not measuring up? Do you blame the man for the loss of your marriage? Are you angry with yourself too for idealising someone all these years, believing that if you were both only free you could make a go of it - and yet it was all just words?

Try to separate what is anger with him, anger with your ex-husband and anger with yourself. Take responsibility for what lies with you, mend what you can with anyone else who has been hurt and write a letter to the ex with all you want to say, but leave it a week before posting.

ilovemyteddy · 29/11/2011 20:16

I have been there and got the tee-shirt, and have to agree with all the posters who said don't write to him , but write the letter and burn it. It really helps!

Have a look at BaggageReclaim for ways of dealing with your need for closure.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/11/2011 20:19

I think you have lost something massive. I cannot imagine a 40 year friendship where it turns out you have been deceived all these years.

Maybe you're angry with yourself for not seeing what he was 'really' like??

If you are, give yourself a break.

I can only echo 'don't' - I did with my ex husband only to hear of him going round using it to justify why I was 'difficult' and it proved how 'amazing' he was that I 'couldn't let him go'.

I cannot think of a good way this could end for you if you vented at him.

Right now you have your dignity Smile

PlumpDogPillionaire · 29/11/2011 20:35

Hmm.
It's all very well keeping a 'dignified' silence.
But if you say nothing, he can construe it as your 'accepting' the shitty way he's behaved.
I would be inclined to send as ascerbic letter as I could, just to hold a mirror up to the way he'd behaved.
I wouldn't send the letter stright away, though.
Let it sit for a couple of days, read it back, see how it strikes you.
I know I might be on my own here, but i think this 'dignified silence' idea is a load of bollocks.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 30/11/2011 08:20

Oh dear- another viewpoint Plump!

I have written several emails and deleted them.

There is a huge history to this man which is too long to go into to- but he dumped me when I was 20- he felt too young- but we were set to be married. He has spent almost 40 years and 2 marriages regretting that- so he said.

He also bitterly regretted the way he ended it then- a cowardly way much like this time.

6 months ago he was talking of us buying a house together next year. I thought it was an understanding. My settlement is not yet completed and there is a long way to go. Meanwhile, he had started seeing other women- I was keeping my distance- literally as we are 100s miles apart- and it's early days for us both. He lied to me about this but there were clues, so when confronted he confessed and we rowed. I held back a bit with my insults, due to sheer shock, but made it clear his behaviour was unacceptable. Next day I got the dumping email.

The reason I have not written to him is partly I don't want to give him the satisfaction that I am bothered, and also wonder if he might regret what he has done- come back to me, and I can have the satisfaction of telling him where to go.

But on the other hand I am really wanting to stick the knife in and just spell out to him what a sheer bastard he has been, because I doubt he will see it for himself.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 30/11/2011 08:34

Don't do it. Rant here and to friends. Honestly, all he will think is you are bitter/ranty/irrational/in love with him. It won't work out for you.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 30/11/2011 09:00

Thanks.
I am just soooooo mad.
I am a person who usually speaks my mind- but when a man goes from suggesting you buy a home together one day, to dumping you by email the next, with no apology for the U turn, it leaves a lot of anger- and regret that I held my tongue at the time.

OP posts:
dogfish · 30/11/2011 11:24

I wrote to an ex when she was about to get married, two years after we split, saying I was sorry for taking her granted while we were together.

I must have looked slightly nuts and it probably boosted her already considerable ego, but I've never regretted it. I really was sorry and it helped me to move on to tell her.

babyhammock · 30/11/2011 11:35

What is the main thing that you need to say to him. Tell us and we can give you some tweaks maybe so that you get closure yet remain dignified and heaven forbid not feed his ego in any way... Something cutting maybe that will leave him unsettled perhaps...

But simply he is not a very nice person. I wonder what his two ex wives have to say on the matter. As for 'playing the field'... I imagine he did enough of that while he was married x

AntiqueAnteater · 30/11/2011 11:37

Id write it all down on an email then save it

and come back to it in a couple of weeks and if you still want to send it and it doesnt make you cringe, send it

Original poster
miserablenovember · 30/11/2011 12:50

Thanks Baby and everyone.

What I want to say is along the lines of: you have fed MY ego for almost 40 years- regretting leaving me, saying you'd never met anyone you got on with as well, feeling terrible over how you ended it then ( another similar cowardly way) , you lied to me about not having any other women around now, then when I pressed you, you admitted it and called me "difficult", (ha!) , you actively sought out and chatted up this women ( a shop assistant!) at the same time as saying we'd buy somewhere together as soon as my settlement etc was sorted, you impressed upon me that this was "our last chance" due to our ages ( not far off 60!!) , you told me you loved me , and that you felt deep down we would end up together....then 2 days later we rowed ( over the dating you were doing), and you followed it up with a short email saying sorry we rowed, but the "loving" comments had been a mistake and to take care.

I feel duped, a fool and you are so shallow to say things that you simply never meant.

Can you not see that your behaviour this time is no better than when you were 20?

I have no intention of rekindling anything with this email, and it won't change anything,- I simply want to say the things I didn't when I was with you.

I may or may not send this- or your tweaks!- but it's what is going round my head.

The longer i wait, the more it would be an ego feed, but as it's just 4 weeks since this happened, I feel that if I were to send it, sooner rather than later is better.

BUT I do take on board the comments about seeming bitter, undignified and pathetic- so am not sure I would write it.

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