Would you write this letter to have the last word?

[miserablenovember]

A few weeks ago I was dumped by email, ending a LDR. It was a shock, he was blunt, he took back the "I love you" comments he had made 2 days before, and confessed he'd been playing the field with other women, though not actually sleeping with any of them. In my panic I called him straight away. We had a reasonable conversation about why he wanted to play the field ( newly divorced) but he had been stringing me along, first as a long term friend, then a bit more, making me think I was "the one". During our phone chat I asked if he would meet for one last drink, before I drove home, as we had been friends for years before we dated, and he agreed. After I'd slept on it, I decided not to- it seemed pointless- so I emailed him to cancel and said take care- ending it, really.

However, since then I have been full of anger at how he led me along, and did a U turn almost overnight. There's loads I want to say- not a rant as much , but definitely telling him a few home truths about his behaviour. Is it worth it though or should I stay quiet and dignified?

springy crossed posts.

I do understand and you understand me. This is not about trying to change his mind, or even plead with him. It's simply that his email took me by surprise, I ended up almost apologising for rowing about him dating someone else, ( he IS a single man after all) then overnight I thought WTF! But have never had the chance to say to him- you bastard, you did it by email after spending years telling me I was THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY, and now is our last chance, blah, blah.

I think what I want to say- but probably won't!- is that I am disappointed in him and hurt that if he'd had a change of heart he didn't have the decency to tell me to my face. And that he ought not to bandy words like "love " around when he doesn't mean it. I never told him I loved him, so there was no need for him to say it to me.

The thing is, you have a longstanding friendship - he's not just a fly-by-night (though he's acted like one! ). He has been deeply disrespectful of your friendship as much as anything else.

Interestingly, the main point of the letter I've just sent was that we don't have a relationship and therefore the person is not entitled to take liberties as they have clearly refused a relationship with me. This isn't the case with you though - you do (or did ) have a relationship - therefore, in my book, you have the right to say your piece, based on the investment in that relationship/friendship.

I'd write a lot of drafts though first and definitely leave it until it is so cold and cruel it will freeze his bollocks off it's absolutely ready. Write it and put it aside. Though it's been 4 weeks now and can't be 'hot', it has to be cool and reasonable, though deeply affronted for want of a better word.

Tell him off!

I suggest you re-read what you wrote: you have fed MY ego for almost 40 years as that sums it up both ways because you have been feeding his ego for the same amount of time.

He dumped you in cowardly fashion when he was 20. At almost 60, he's done the same again. Have you never heard of the saying 'Leopards don't change their spots'?

If the pair of you have been corresponding for 40 years under the guise of friendship while secretly entertaining thoughts of a possible future recoupling, IMO neither of you are blameless.

You've been his 'plan desperate' in the event that he couldn't find another woman stupid enough to take him on, and he's been your 'plan b' to ensure you don't face old age alone and don't have to strain yourself to find a man to be Derby to your Joan.

As neither of you appear to have acted entirely honourably over the past 40 years, you may as well compound the whole unsavoury business by writing to him.

The content of your missive is of no consequence as, no matter what withering ripostes or put downs it may contain, merely the fact that you have contacted him again will be sufficient to satisfy his ego that you continue to hold a torch for him and nothing will ever convince him otherwise.

Life often tends to go full circle. Here you are back where you were when he dumped you at 20. If you contact him again you will be demonstrating that you have learned nothing during the intervening years.

Izzy you are very eloquent, but very harsh too.
You make assumptions which are hurtful. I have known him for 40 years but we had a very long no-contact gap. The way he fed my ego was by constantly re-iterating that he was a fool to have dumped me many years ago, once we were in touch again. I've not been carrying a torch for him all my life- I've had other relationships, a job and children to fill my thoughts.
Whilst we were both married, our exchanges were by email, occasional phone calls, very occasional meetings for lunch if they coincided with work travel. Our partners at the time knew of this contact. We were never each other's Plan A or B or whatever you want to call it. He has no problem finding women, quite the opposite, so it's not a case of me being the only fool to want him. The line has always been "Despite all the other women I've known, I like you best."

I'd like to thank everyone for the suggestions and have taken them on board. Thanks.

Write it, you know you want to!

Personally,I wouldn't let others here make your mind up for you, do what YOU feel is right.Good luck either way.