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Original poster

Would you write this letter to have the last word?

57 replies

miserablenovember · 29/11/2011 15:30

A few weeks ago I was dumped by email, ending a LDR. It was a shock, he was blunt, he took back the "I love you" comments he had made 2 days before, and confessed he'd been playing the field with other women, though not actually sleeping with any of them. In my panic I called him straight away. We had a reasonable conversation about why he wanted to play the field ( newly divorced) but he had been stringing me along, first as a long term friend, then a bit more, making me think I was "the one". During our phone chat I asked if he would meet for one last drink, before I drove home, as we had been friends for years before we dated, and he agreed. After I'd slept on it, I decided not to- it seemed pointless- so I emailed him to cancel and said take care- ending it, really.

However, since then I have been full of anger at how he led me along, and did a U turn almost overnight. There's loads I want to say- not a rant as much , but definitely telling him a few home truths about his behaviour. Is it worth it though or should I stay quiet and dignified?

OP posts:
fiventhree · 30/11/2011 13:10

Oh, to hell, send it. I bloody well would.

Im 51, and I think Im too old to play games!!

MardyArsedMidlander · 30/11/2011 13:16
  1. You walked away with dignity. In the wee small hours of the morning that is a HUGE HUGE solace.
  2. By saying nothing, he may be thinking that this didn't mean much to you, and actually it's a bit of a relief to end the relationship. This will dent his ego considerably.
  3. A long letter that details all his faults and tells him how hurt you are and for how long will make him feel like a bit of a Cool Player- the kind of guy women just can't help falling in love with.
SuziQuattro · 30/11/2011 13:42

I agree with Plump. You should write the letter/e-mail and say what you have to say. Get it off your chest, but stay dignified. You don't know how he will take it, he may regret what he's done for all you know. It's no good assuming.
The anger will take a long time to diminish, if this is one way of losing some of it and establishing some answers, you HAVE to do it to help you get the closure you so deserve.

fiventhree · 30/11/2011 13:58

I agree.

tbh, I think there are occasions when a dignified silence is the right response, but not in these circumstances.

babyhammock · 30/11/2011 13:58

And whatever you do end it with something along the lines are:

'and I realise now, especially seeing through all the 'hype', you've actually done me a huge favour. Please don't contact me again. Goodbye

Goodluck, he's a crappy crappy man x

verlainechasedrimbauds · 30/11/2011 14:10

I think you might feel better for a while after sending it but you are quite likely to rather wish you hadn't in a few years time.

I sent a letter in very similar circumstances because I was too shocked to say what I felt (or even really to understand what I felt) at the time. It was cathartic at the time to write the letter but now it feels a little foolish and I rather wish I hadn't sent it. Not only that, but I can even see some things from his (the lying cheating bastard's) point of view at a distance of years - and I honestly never thought that would happen!

I do think dignity and silence is better unless it eats you up so much that you are miserable - in which case, send it, but know that you run the risk of wishing you hadn't.

SuziQuattro · 30/11/2011 14:39

In a few years time I'm sure the OP will well and truly be over it. What matters is her sanity now. I can imagine it's causing physical and mental anguish as well as sleepless nights. Better to possibly know then wonder why. It's the one chance she has!

lifechanger · 30/11/2011 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 30/11/2011 15:16

Life I wasn't being snotty about her being a shop assistant. The reason I included that here ( and not for his eyes) was to show that he was so keen to chat up women ( whilst supposedly loving me) that he asked out someone who sold him a pair of trousers. Talk about opportunism!

There are pros and cons in my mind about this now.

I don't think it would boost his ego to write- if I kept it measured. We've known each other too long for that- and he knows I cared for him.

What really hurts is the email - it was very cold and blunt and not the way to tell someone who has been in his life for so long that he no longer saw any future with me. At the time, I was reasonable ( and in shock) about the OW- he is a single man and we had agreed we both needed time and space before getting into anything else- but he was the one making plans for "us". I was not reasonable though about being lied to. I was very annoyed. I shouted and swore at him and he has never seen me like that. I think this is what tipped him over the edge to end it- a bit of a hissy fit.

He may think good riddance to me, he may regret his actions- as he said many times I was his oldest friend.

Whether what happened then has wiped all of that out, I don't know.

He may regret his actions- and not writing will give me the trump card to play if he ever contacts me again.

But it's a risk- knowing how long I will fester, and not knowing if there may be a better time to say what I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
miserablenovember · 30/11/2011 20:24

I'm confused now. The MN jury is split on this one. I could almost cope with him deciding I was not the "one" and taking back what he had said- it was the manner of it that hurts. A 4 line email, ending 40 years. Yes, we had a conversation after it, and it was amicable, and we both apologised for the row we'd had. But the full weight of the email had not sunk in really. I wish I knew if he was regretting it, feeling guilty- or maybe he is thinking what a lucky man he is, to have got off so easily with me walking away so quietly.

OP posts:
CupOfGoodCheer · 30/11/2011 20:30

A frosty silence is worth a thousand words.

except when you discover DM has been secretly sending him angry texts Shock

Original poster
miserablenovember · 30/11/2011 20:31

Lol!

OP posts:
CupOfGoodCheer · 30/11/2011 20:32

If he can be that dismissive about your feelings OP, he is not worth the cost of the ink on the page.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 30/11/2011 22:46

Well that is what my head says but the heart says otherwise. It's as if he had a personality change overnight and simply forgot that 6 months ago he was saying next year we could jointly buy a house. Yet now he is not willing to wait for my settlement and finds another woman. Shit.

OP posts:
boogiewoogie · 30/11/2011 23:07

Always always retain your dignity. He is what he has revealed himself to be and is not worthy of anything more of your time and effort. He may realise too late what he's lost.

Do not give him the satisfaction that you are still thinking about him even if it's about killing him.

Ignore any future communication from him.

SecondRow · 01/12/2011 09:14

Hmm I think I would leave out the litany of faults but this line

Can you not see that your behaviour this time is no better than when you were 20?

is the crux of the matter and ticks the unsettling box, if you really want to make him uncomfortable.

I think if you feel you must write something, keep it about as short as his 4-liner and keep it to the one point,

"I was incredibly disappointed to discover that you are not the man I thought for 40 years you were. You went from planning a house purchase and future together to dismissing me and our friendship with a cold email, and I have realised that you have no more integrity now than when you were 20 and at least had the excuse of immaturity."

Any use?

FecklessBrit · 01/12/2011 11:00

@SecondRow - that's quite fabulously withering. I like.

@miserablenovember - unfortunately, you seem quite determined to justify a decision you've already made. You really to want to write, and it doesn't appear to matter what anyone else has to say.

So, in full and certain knowledge of the futility of this ? don't write to him, he really isn't worth another moment of your time.

You won't make him realise what a prick he's been, and you won't make him sorry. All you'll achieve is to fuel his pathetic, adolescent opinion of women as needy and over-emotional.

Sorry.

Original poster
miserablenovember · 01/12/2011 11:10

Feckless no my mind is not made up otherwise I'd have written it 4 weeks ago. My HEART wants to write it, as I am hurt, fuming, insulted etc etc, but my head says not to show him I am bothered. I don't want to justify a decision- I am trying to show how hurt I am, and why I want to do this- but something ( my brain) is telling me not to.

Secondrow- what a brill response. Yes, that is the crux of it- years and years of teeth gnashing on his part saying how sorry he was for the poor way it ended years back, the angst, the regrets etc- and now he does it all over again. He has behaved with less concern for my feelings than women he has dated for weeks/months in between his marriages.

I think the consensus is stay silent. He may well come back to me at some point and that will be the time to say how I feel- or ignore him.

OP posts:
McBuckers · 01/12/2011 11:43

I think whether or not to write to him depends on what you want to get out of writing the letter. I wrote to my husband's OW because I wanted her to know that I knew about the situation. It was a dignified email with no insults or angry words but I felt better having sent it that I had got to say my piece.

DodieSmith · 01/12/2011 12:44

Don't write.

SecondRow · 01/12/2011 13:06

Yes - unfortunately I have to agree that no matter how withering the problem is that he is unlikely to ever "get it".

I wish you well in moving on from him - it's cold comfort but at least you didn't get as far as moving in with him before finding out about all the crap.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 01/12/2011 13:24

miserablenovember, please don't write to him. You will appear needy and a bit obsessed. His behaviour will not change and the fact he has been stringing you along for years shows that he never really cared about your feelings. From what you posted it appears as though you were always more into him then he was to you and you were the back up plan for him. It is horrible that he has had such a hold over you for so many years making you think he was the one that got away. I can see that this would make anyone angry to think they had been wasting 40 years of feelings on someone undeserving. I also don't think this will be the last you hear from him. When he is bored in another few years time he will look you up again. Please don't waste anymore time on him.

springydaffs · 01/12/2011 13:42

I just don't agree with posters saying dont write to him. I'm up there with you OP on the age stakes and maybe when you get older, as someone said upthread, you're not interested in the games? I just know that if I send a letter like that it's for me, to get it of my chest, not to change their mind in any way - basically, I need to say my piece.

amazingly, I have just this moment sent one of those letters. I worked on it a lot (as you do) and I've just pressed 'send'. I didn't rant, just presented the facts with clarity, as clear and unemotional as possible. Although it is a sad and gut-wrenching situation (family Sad), it helped me to lassoo my feelings down and, especially, to say my piece. Otherwise you fume and grind your teeth for a long time, when you could expel all that angst in a [very] carefully-worded letter.

i have sent letters like this to lovers (ex, of course) in the past and never regretted it. Just thought "Well said girl!" Wink

Original poster
miserablenovember · 01/12/2011 13:43

Okay- I won't write.

But for the record- what do you think here- he ended it by email, I called him and we kind of made up on the phone, but with him saying he wanted to leave it for a few months...but he agreed to meet for a chat to smooth things over, no hard feelings etc after our row about the OW. Then I emailed the next day and ended it from my side, saying I decided not to go ahead with the drink, and take care.

So will he be thinking he ended it- or I did? I know what I think, but how does it sound to you?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 01/12/2011 13:50

that he's a shit and all this friendly-friendly lark is a cop out OP. Let him have it!

fwiw you both ended it. He was probably surprised you chose to let it go but I'd personally be fuming with myself that I let him do it to me again Angry

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