Another one bites the dust...

[Bluebelle38]

Well, after 5 weeks of fun, great times and laughter the guy I have been seeing has basically told me that he doesn't see us working out long term.

Normally I'd be fine, but this guy was a lovely person and had pretty much restored my faith that there is good men out there.

We spent the weekend together and both said it was amazing, lots of chats, shopping, walks, sex....

The reasoning he doesn't see us working out long term is that he thinks I am a party person and he is not so much. He doesn't drink, I do. He wants children, I've never really considered them as I have never been in a relationship with the kind of man that I think would provide for a family and not b*gger off.

I don't think he ever got to see the quiter side of me... that I like staying in too, watching films, cooking.... When we were meeting up and going out on dates we were always going 'out'.

I'll be OK in a few days. In fact I am almost relieved that I know now as I could have totally fallen for him.

He has told me that I am a very special person and he is sad but I have told him it is best we don't meet up again. I know I could really fall for him and I really could do without another serious dose of heartbreak.

Not really sure what advice I was after, I just needed to get this all out.

Thanks for reading.

So sorry .

What a shame he never saw the other, quieter side of you. Although I must say it can be tricky with someone who doesn't ever drink if you do.

Clearly though, you've been holding part of yourself back - understandable if you've been hurt in the past and have little faith in men. Butit does mean that it will be hard for men to see the 'real' you.

Thanks for you reply. We met through a forum (not dating) and he contacted me because he really liked the responses and advice I gave to people.

So while we had only been seeing each other 5 weeks we had been in touch since March this year, emails, calls etc.

I do like going out, but I am also happy to stay in with a dvd, cook, chill out.

An ex of his drank to excess although he did tell me that that is his issue not mine.

Goddammit... we spent fri, sat, sun together and laughed the whole time, held hands, he would kiss me out of nowhere, he was a gentleman, generous, was happy to meet me off the bus, walk me to it and stay with me till it came to take me home (we live in different cities).

I am just not what he is looking for and while I am very sad, at least I know now and won't get hurt. He knows a lot about my very bad past relationships and has said he doesn't want to be another disappointment down the line.

Maybe I am just in shock and the tears will come later... there were times this weekend where I felt so in-sync with him... we agree on so many things... it's all a terrible shame.

He is one of the good guys - he told you he doesn't see it working out. He was honest and up front with you. He didn't string you along or play games and you've got to respect him for that.
He has restored your faith in men which is good, so go out and look for another good one like him!!
Going out with someone who doesn't drink when you do is hard, it might not seem so now in the honeymoon period, but I think it could be a problem later on. Perhaps he was being realistic.
Sorry you are going through this though - but like you say, at least you found out now before you got your heart broken again.

Thanks kaluki :)

I totally respect him for being upfront and honest. He said he was really 'trying' and that upset me a bit because he shouldn't have to do that and I am kinda sad he even felt that way.

We got on so well that I can imagine he was thinking that we could see how things go, but if he is stuck on the type of person he wants and it isn't me then there is little I can do about it.

I won't see him again. It is just really upsetting because he has all the qualities I would look for in a man and some other (very lucky) woman will end up with him.

Am getting sad now. Have text a friend and will hopefully meet her for a coffee later.

Reality check here; hes just not that into you or he wouldn't give a damn about all of the above.

I wouldn't worry about the fact that he didn't see your 'quieter side'. you said he has all the qualities you would look for; yes you shouldn't settle for anything less than respect from a partner, but don't sell yourself short just because a man fits the criteria.

Better to be alone than mould yourself into something you think someone else wants because one day you will wake up and just not be able to do it anymore

Well, he seemed totally into me. Rang every day, chatted for hours, met up every weekend, took me to his home town and sightseeing...

Kind of stings that he may not have been that into me. :( But yes, I suspect you are right.

Part of me is thinking that he may miss me, but I know that is pretty silly...

My friend got back to me and she had been seeing a guy for a similar amount of time and it has ended and she isn't up for chatting :( Must be in the water around here :(

I am a little and that people seem to thin that if one partner drinks and the other doesn't this is an issue? why exactly?

Surely it's only an issue if one partner drinks to excess, in which case it's equally an issue for the one who doesn't drink.

Op - he was one of the good guys - at least he's been honest.

And I think that kids is a real issue - and that if one person doesn't want them it can be a real deal-breaker and is something best discovered in the very early stages of a relationship so as not to cause further upset in the future.

His loss

I think you should take him down from that pedestal you have him on though

yes, he has done the right thing and been honest before it went too far

fair play for that

but for the fact that he seemed quite happy to lead you on right up till that point, eh

and he took every opportunity to have sex with you on that last weekend, when I think it likely he had the end all planned

so, yes

his loss and try not to deify him...no man is worth that

dust yourself and get on with the rest of your life x

dust yourself down

Thank you. I think that the children issue is the crux of it. I told him I would be open to the idea of a family if I met the right man and he totally gets why I never had them in the past.

He is late 30s so at the age that he wants to have a family and settle down. I think by 'trying' he meant he was trying to overlook the fact that I am not gushing at the thought of having children.

I have sent him a message and he hasn't replied. I basically said that I thank him for being honest with me and agreed it is sad. I also said that I did have a few 'wow' moments this weekend out window shopping and rambling around and while I am sad I will be OK - which of course I will.

I just feel sad but I won't dwell on it and had we kept meeting up, I'd be a lot more hurt. Shedding a few tears now but overall I am OK :( My friend seems worse. I won't be shutting myself off from the world over this.

Hi Anyfucker

He had been honest and said he wasn't sure if the spark was there yet for him. That really hurt and he explained he wasn't getting that 'OMG I can't live without this girl' feeling. I told him that is immature. How could he possibly know that after meeting a few times... we talked about taking it slow and see how it goes.

I am the one that has called time on it. He said he wasn't sure if he saw us woring out long term and I said if he feels that way, better to bail now (not said in that way, but that was the gist).

He replied he is sad.

Yes, maybe sad he won't be having amazing sex for a while. He did tell me that he hasn't been so turned on by anyone in years and I actually believed him!

Argh, I don't know... I will keep thinking his loss as you have said and dust myself off. It aint the end of the world. I'm disappointed more than heartbroken.

Thanks for the tough love advice... I will miss all our chats and silly morning/late night texts, but that will pass in time.

Repeat after me 'he is of no use to me unless he absolutely adores me'

Thanks SirSugar. That is what I need to focus on. If he doesn't adore me, then I don't want him!

Any bloke for that matter, and as long as you adore him back

LOL...

Am going to be OK. I am not what he wants and that is totally fine. Good luck to him finding someone that he has the banter with as much as he did with me. Not being big-headed, but he said several times how funny and special I am... I think he may take this worse than me in the long run.

I am not going to let this affect my self esteem which I fear what my friend will do :(

Life sucks sometimes, but I had some great times and memories so it was worthwhile...

I think you have saved yourself a whole lot of heartache. I have had many relationships drag on when they should have lasted 5 or 6 weeks because I tried to be different or hoped they would change. If its not right it's not right. Best to cut and run now.
Get a bottle of wine and share it with your friend - helping her will take your mind off it all

Thanks so much, Kaluki.

I totally agree. We were out on Sat night and I got pissed but nothing bad. I suppose he is bothered by that as he doesn't drink.

We have shared a few texts and the last one he sent me actually made me cry. He said that it is awful because I have so many of the traits he is also looking for and knows I would never knowingly hurt him, lie or cheat on him.

It just feels so wrong, but I have told him I respect his decision.

I'll get over it in a week or so, but have also said I can't just jump into friends mode.

Godddammit! I'll miss the sex as well! lol

He actually sounds like he's got a few issues tbh. Luck escape here methinks....

Yeah, I think he has an idea of the ideal woman he wants - younger, ready to settle down straight away. He has told me about some of his 'stunning' exes and they sound totally awful (personality). Yet he would put up with all the crap for a pretty face by the sounds of it.

Then he meets me and I have been nothing but a really good person (he knew I was and that is why he contacted me initially).

I think he is quite focused on looks and it stings that I am not pretty enough in his eyes. Don't get me wrong, I look after myself, consider myself attractive and all that, but it just hurts.

In saying all that, if he really is that shallow then I am well rid.

Couldn't fault him really. He is by far the nicest man I have ever dated... he was a total gent. I'll miss him but will get over it. Been here before.

Didn't you post about this guy a few weeks' ago?

As I recall, the writing was on the wall then and I'm somewhat bemused as to how you came to have another shag fest weekend with him when the issues you've cited clearly weren't going to change - and haven't.

Yes, he said a few weeks ago that the spark wasn't there for him yet but that wasn't to say it wouldn't develop so we should take things slow... we didn't meet up for a while, but he called for chats most nights.

I saw him last Friday and then he invited me up to his place this weekend. We talked a lot about definitions of spark etc, etc when I saw him on the Friday and agreed to see how things go...

I did think something would develop. We were together fri,sat, sun and had a brilliant time. I know that I may look like a total idiot but I genuinely loved his company and we got on very well.

Whatever was missing is not something that is going to change. I think ultimately we are not suited and that makes me sad but I am glad I know now and not three months down the line, in which case I'd be a lot more gutted.

Do you know what

I know you think he is fab'n'all

But I think he sounds like a self-centred twat with a rather large ego and the impression he is quite the golden cock

Stop feeding his delusion he is a cross between Brad Pitt, George Clooney and President fucking Obama

So....when he fancies another booty call, you will be there, yes ?

Or no ?

Lol af.

I'm going by what you've posted here. Don't recall another thread. He sounds a bit of a knobber tbh, with lots of issues.

Is this really the nicest guy you have dated