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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another one bites the dust...

57 replies

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 12:36

Well, after 5 weeks of fun, great times and laughter the guy I have been seeing has basically told me that he doesn't see us working out long term.

Normally I'd be fine, but this guy was a lovely person and had pretty much restored my faith that there is good men out there.

We spent the weekend together and both said it was amazing, lots of chats, shopping, walks, sex....

The reasoning he doesn't see us working out long term is that he thinks I am a party person and he is not so much. He doesn't drink, I do. He wants children, I've never really considered them as I have never been in a relationship with the kind of man that I think would provide for a family and not b*gger off.

I don't think he ever got to see the quiter side of me... that I like staying in too, watching films, cooking.... When we were meeting up and going out on dates we were always going 'out'.

I'll be OK in a few days. In fact I am almost relieved that I know now as I could have totally fallen for him.

He has told me that I am a very special person and he is sad but I have told him it is best we don't meet up again. I know I could really fall for him and I really could do without another serious dose of heartbreak.

Not really sure what advice I was after, I just needed to get this all out.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:09

No anyfucker. I won't be seeing him again and have told him so.

That really made me laugh, though. Thank you :D

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makeyerowndamndinner · 28/11/2011 20:10

Hang on a sec Bluebelle. So what you're saying is that a few weeks ago he told you he wasn't sure he was feeling the 'spark' - a polite way of saying that he wasn't sure if he fancied you that much. He then spends a weekend having lots of sex with you. Then tells you again he's not really feeling the 'spark'.

I'm sorry but he sounds like an arse to me. A cruel one at that to be honest. Don't you dare sleep with him again.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 20:12

Just checkin' girlfren'

Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:12

I really dont think he is a knobber. He was a gent, thoughtful when I was going through a load of crap over the past 6 months.

I dunno... my head is just wrecked from it now. He just wasn't that into me, I do get that now. Despite all the lovely compliments he gave me, something was missing.

I'm starting to think differently of him now and am not so sad.

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AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 20:13

Change the record, sista, we ain't buying it

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 20:14

that he was a gent, that is

I believe Hitler had impeccable manners...

bubblechristmaspop · 28/11/2011 20:15

I see a knobber op. Quite a shit one at that.

Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:16

yes, he said he wasn't feeling the spark yet and I thought well, we have only met a handful of times so I didn't think it that odd. Especially when he explained his definition of spark was not mine.

He knew I really liked him and has said he really enjoys my company but I think he is right - he is more of a homebody than me and wants to settle down, like years ago.

I really didn't have him pegged as a knobber. I thought OK, we'll spend some more time together and see how we get on. We had a brilliant weekend, he pulled out all the stops, was happy to do what I wanted re eating out, going shopping etc etc.

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Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:17

Sorry, aren't buying what? That I won't sleep with him again?

I feel he has made a fool of me twice. I won't be made feel that way again.

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izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/11/2011 20:18

From what I remember of your earlier post, he seemed a bit of a knob.

Didn't he whisk you off to meet his frends and relatives after your first meeting and then tell you there was no spark for him?

A spark's a spark. How many definitions can there be? If you had a brilliant time and got on very well what 'more' is there?

You mentioned his allegedly exceedingly beautiful exes and him wanting kids before, but I hadn't realised he was a teetotaller to boot.

Do be careful that he doesn't sneak under your twat radar by suggesting more weekends that will only lead to you feeling more unhappy than you do now that you've narrowly missed fitting his exacting specifications.

FabbyChic · 28/11/2011 20:18

Id have walked when he said he never felt the spark to be honest, that was the time to leave it. If he hadn't felt the pull then he was never going to.

Sorry he has made you sad.

Bet you meet someone so much nicer next time.

makeyerowndamndinner · 28/11/2011 20:20

So how soon after your amazing weekend together did he decide to tell you he still wasn't feeling it?

Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:22

Thanks guys

Yes, I should have walked when he said the spark wasn't there for him yet. I thought as we had been in touch since March that he really liked me, met me and wanted to persue things and it was maybe a bit of time was needed.

He said by spark he meant 'OMG I can't live without this girl' and I said that is immature - how can you possibly know that of someone after a load of chatting and 3 meet-ups. That is why I thought we'dsee how things went.

I get I should have left it back then. And yes, he has made me sad.

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AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 20:24

read the post under mine

I said that we weren't buying that he is a gent

Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:28

It was about a week after the trip away that he said he wasnt feeling the spark yet but wanted to take things slow but would understand if I didn't want to continue seeing each other.

Thinking of it all now, he couldn't have cared less if I said 'you know what, let's just be friends'.

But then this weekend he invited me up for two nights and said how much he enjoyed my company, that I am a really special person...

I'm a fool. I suppose because he knew so much about my past bad relationships that I did trust him. he said he didn't want to lead me on and turn out to be a bastard like the rest of them.

When he saw me off on Sunday I said will I see you again soon and he kissed me and said yes, most definitely. I was obviously worried still about the spark thing so text him this morning and that is when he said he doesn't think we would work out long term. Once he said that I said it was best we didn't meet again and he said he was sad but understood.

I'm an idiot. I get that.

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Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:30

Ah, yes. Thanks AF. You are right. I needed to take the rose tinted glasses off.

We were at his sister's place on friday night going through old photos and generally having a gorgeous time. He cooked breakfast both mornings, took me out for dinner... laughed loads... I did think he liked me. Oh well.

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izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/11/2011 20:31

You've written after 5 weeks of fun, great times and laughter which is not exactly the most accurate account, is it?

You had 2 weekends that you thought were filled with fun and laughter and hot sex before he told you that you didn't light his fire.

That would have been more than enough for me to send him a box of matches and tell him to diy.

In future, make sure you adhere to the maxim 'two strikes and they're out' although I only give them one chance to get my burner going before blowing them out.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 20:33

Love, nobody is trying to tell you he didn't like you

Of course he did

But you want different things, and you need to move on

And not moon after someone who is not quite the wonderful person you think he is

he's not a monster either, and you shouldn't beat yourself up

I do think you made a mistake to respond to the most recent booty call with your your rose tinted gigs on...but you had a nice time, right ?

move along, and stop romanticising him

he's just a man

there will be others

next!!!

UnlikelyAmazonian · 28/11/2011 20:34

...And the moral of this story is,

Do NOT tell ANY man about your shit past (if you have one). Remain silent. If and until or when he makes a massive mistake.

These types can spot a shag sob story at a thousand paces.

Don't make this mistake again OP.

Polish your lovely warm heart nightly and do not lend it to anyone who wont give it back.

Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:35

We met up twice for weekends before the comment.

I met him again last friday and then spent the weekend just gone with him.

Sorry, it was more than five weeks, head a bit over the place.

Yeah, I was pretty stupid, I know. I just really liked him and broke up with an on/off guy in january and was feeling pretty down. I enjoyed being persued i suppose. Lesson learnt and thanks guys.

He'd have probably dragged out things for a few more weeks and then said 'nah, definitely not feeling it'. Which is pretty damn cruel after saying he wouldn't want to hurt me.

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Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:39

Thanks AF.

I am seeing it differently now and that was necessary. I am obviously a bit down but won't be dwelling on him and what may have been. It clearly wasn't going to be anything and I think he liked the fact I made him laugh etc etc.

I think knob is starting to sound about right.

I won't make the same mistake again, I promise. Lesson learnt.

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HardCheese · 28/11/2011 20:48

Bluebelle, I think you sound enormously nice, and I agree with the others that Dreamboat auditioning you for your spark quotient sounds a bit entitled, as if you were a dish he wasn't quite sure he wanted to order. You deserve better. Chin up.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 20:51

Oh yes, you do deserve better

I don't think that will be too difficult to achieve, tbh

Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 20:58

I know I sound like a love-sick fool, but we did really get on. I wouldn't have continued if I didn't think we were as I am not desperate for a man. Before I hooked up with him, I was finally over the ex and was actually very happy single so I don't mind it again.

He was just so affectionate and complimentary, but I couldn't continue, falling for him and knowing that we weren't on the same page.

I'll dust myself off and the no contact will help a lot.

Thanks everyone for making me see what I was desperately trying not to. It's been really appreciated. I deserve the best and if I am not right for him, then I'm not right to continue seeing him.

None of my friends thought he sounded like a knob, they even thought he was good to be honest about the spark. Saying he definitely wanted to see me again on Sunday was an indication I felt it wasn't all quite right. I shouldn't have needed to ask but there must have been that niggling doubt.

I did think we had turned a corner this weekend, but obviously not. Neeeeeext.... in a little bit of time lol

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Original poster

Bluebelle38 · 28/11/2011 21:15

Hard cheese - thank you for that. What a nice thing to say. And yes, I did feel a bit like I just wasn't good enough. It was like an audition.

Yes, I am outgoing and sociable, that is who I am. If he was after a woman that wanted to sit in and knit with him then he was right to end it.

He doesn't drink but would have been sociable enough. I think that was just an excuse really as someone posted earlier. Those things wouldn't matter if you really liked a person.

I'll be alright in a bit. I have really good friends and they won't let me mope for too long if I could even be bothered to do that.

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