Torrent of abuse from DH, did I deserve it?

[wandymum]

This should probably be an AIBU but it's about relationships and I want a serious answer.

Yesterday evening I suggested to DH that we get a takeaway (tough weekeend, 2 ill toddlers, thought it would be nice for us as a treat). Instead of just saying no, he started shaking his head and swearing under his breath whilst shouting 'really, oh fine then" before storming off in a strop.

As it obviously wasn't fine I said not to worry and just told him that there was no need to get angry he could just say no. Then he lost it totally and started shouting at me. I left him ranting in the kitchen as I wanted to avoid making things worse and while I was watching TV next door he cooked some pasta for us both but refused to talk to me while we ate it.

When we went up to bed he started again and, after being called a 'twat' and all manner of other unpleasant things, I spent the night on the floor in DD's room to get out of his way.

He's unapologetic today and still obviously very angry with me. I really am at a bit of a loss as to why?

He's quite old fashioned re husband/wife split on domestic duties. I don't have dinner waiting for him every night and do ask him to cook fairly regularly but then I have a 2 year old and 3 year old to chase around all day and work part time from home too.

I had PND after DD was born (and probably beforehand too) and it was during the time when I was really struggling with it that this all seemed to surface. I know he is disappointed with me as a wife but can't work out how to deal with it. What worries me most is that instead of telling me what is bothering him he builds up this resentment against me and then has these odd explosions.

Sorry, this has got longer than I intended. I really would welcome your thoughts - am I being mad or is he?

That has got to be about more than a takeaway meal

Is he mentally ill?

I really can't fathom it. All I can think is that I've been pissing him off for ages and he's bottled it all up and then blown his top yesterday.

Problem is that without telling me what I'm actually doing that is so annoying I can't apologise or try and make things better.

He actually seems to hate me

Nobody deserves to be ranted at like this. Calmly tell him you will not tolerate it any more. Does he talk to anyone else like this?

Also, although the kids had been ill, we'd had a good day. The kids were up on and off all night and woke early but I got them breakfast and took DH up breakfast in bed (I'd slept in a bit on Saturday), then the kids and I wrote letters to Santa and went out and posted them, had his parents over in the am, all ate a family lunch, played with the kids, put them to bed together then it all went haywire.

tallwivglasses - no he is impeccably polite and very charming. Friends and family wouldn't believe him capable of it if I told them. He only gets angry like this with me.

How odd.. I think you need to sit down and ask him why he's so angry! It's a bit bewildering!

Why are you assuming it's somehow your fault?

These men don't realise what wise and patient wives they have.
I'd really like to be SuperFixer, the chick who comes and rescues you all, and beats some sense (not in a physical way) into these absolute knobs of men.
I am appalled at what I have read on MN and shocked.
To the OP, please don't tell me he has been acting like this for 12 years, because all you ladies putting up with this rubbish for years, you need your heads seen to, and all you ladies who are seeing signs of knobness, hopefully all the wonderful advice, given from hindsight and experience, will save you from wasting years of your lives with this kind of man.
Not necessarily this one in this post - if it was a one-off, then there's hope - but all the others out there, and wow, MN is a gift from the God of Good Advice and Empathy, and hopefully its existence can continue to help you all, because I am very, very impressed with MN, the regulars, the advice, and it could truly revolutionise how women approach the knobs in their lives.
God bless MN and all who sail with her.

Good luck OP, he sounds either mentally distressed or a knob. Time to figure out which one.

This is totally unacceptable. He is awful. He knows it's not on which is why he puts on an act with other people. Probably the same act he put on for you until he believed he had you 'trapped' by marriage, mortgage, kids etc.

He is a bully, an abuser, and a controlling cock. It's no fun is it .

This is verbal abuse.

DO NOT apologise to him or try to make things better. He is wrong to tantrum like a child. And you don't know why.

A family unit is team work, and he needs to learn how to be a part of a team with you and him taking joint responsibility, not him ranting abusive shit for whatever reason is in his head. You don't mindread or try to second guess him. What the hell would he do if you behaved in such a way. Tell him, if he can't work with you, you will have to consider alternatives.

Don't put up with shit, IME it gets shittier

Also, it sounded like you had a lovely day, and you were merely trying to extend that fun by having a take-out.
God, men.
Arghhh.
Really, MN is amazing because if all the women who have been in abusive relationships for years, who just recently are moving on, had had this escape, to come and get advice from, then maybe they would have starting living happier lives sooner, and would have had the confidence to leave these absolute loser men.
MN has helped so many women escape abusive relationships - and all for free.
It deserves a medal of the highest order.
I am well impressed.

second thenightsky - his behaviour out of ALL proportion with the catalyst. why are you trying to work out how to solve this? it's nothing to do with you. nobody deserves that, least of all from the person who is supposed to love and protect them in times of need. please take this somewhere in RL where you can get support on what appears to be an abusive relationship.

he is disappointed in your as a wife???? i'm disappointed in him as a human being.

What do you do for yourself OP?

Do you do everything he wants?

Getting a snapshot of control.

Is he worried about money? (hopeful)

Wandy "he only gets angry like this with me".

So he does this regularly.

There is some underlying issue here, but you're not going to get at it while he's in a strop. It sounds like he blows up and then it all calms down until it all happens again, is that right?

Wait until he has settled down into his weird version of 'normal' i.e. silently stewing over something you don't know about. Take the time to get your head around the fact that this is not your fault, he obviously has issues and is refusing to talk to you about them. Then sit him down and ask him what prompted the explosion over a simple take-away. Don't be on the offensive, and don't be defensive - just be very concerned.

Money is an issue at a bigger level. DS starts school next year and so we will be stretched to fund school fees but not so much that we can't manage a takeaway. E.g DH is planning to hire a big villa in France for a holiday with all of his side of family, is about to subcribe to Sky... . He is trying for a promotion at work so I know he is stressed about that.

To be honest, I think it is about me not wanting to cook.

I don't know anymore

oopslateagain - it has happened a few times before but the mismatch between what I did and his reaction was the worst yet.

I've tried talking to him about it but even if I wait a few days whenever I mention it he just snaps back into the same rage. I've even tried writing to him to ask why he's so angry with me but he just ignores me.

I don't want it to be that he is just an arse. We were very happy once and I want us to be again, for our lovely children if nothing else.

wandy i'm at a loss for any practical suggestions if he's just completely ignoring you but there are people on MN who have gone through this type of thing who will have better suggestions for what to do now, and what support you're going to need. sounds like you have gone through all the obvious options of getting a handle on this.

Sounds like he needs to count his blessings.

Sorry if thats not particularly helpful but honestly - he has a nice wife and DCs, can afford Sky and private school and swish holidays, what on earth is wrong with him that he has to get this angry and abusive? Some people have really difficult lives - he is not one of them!

How awful for you.

Your post rang so many alarm bells I nearly went deaf!!
Why is he getting away with this shit behaviour and making you feel as though its your fault?

We aren't in the 1950's anymore - a 'good wife' doesn't have to have dinner on the table for when he gets home, particularly when she works as well.
So he's disappointed with you as a wife is he? Well you sure as hell should be disappointed with him as a husband.

I think you should sit him down and find out why he thinks it is OK to treat you like this and seriously seriously consider whether you can put up with it as your dc will soon be old enough to witness his behaviour and will think that this is normal.

Are you culturally white British?

Yes - we both are.

His background is much 'posher' than mine - boarding school, big house etc... whereas I grew up in a normal tow up two down and went to the local school. We met at uni and have been together ever since. Married 6 years, together for 15.

Oh, thought you may be able to ask an older generation for help.