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Original poster

Torrent of abuse from DH, did I deserve it?

78 replies

wandymum · 28/11/2011 10:35

This should probably be an AIBU but it's about relationships and I want a serious answer.

Yesterday evening I suggested to DH that we get a takeaway (tough weekeend, 2 ill toddlers, thought it would be nice for us as a treat). Instead of just saying no, he started shaking his head and swearing under his breath whilst shouting 'really, oh fine then" before storming off in a strop.

As it obviously wasn't fine I said not to worry and just told him that there was no need to get angry he could just say no. Then he lost it totally and started shouting at me. I left him ranting in the kitchen as I wanted to avoid making things worse and while I was watching TV next door he cooked some pasta for us both but refused to talk to me while we ate it.

When we went up to bed he started again and, after being called a 'twat' and all manner of other unpleasant things, I spent the night on the floor in DD's room to get out of his way.

He's unapologetic today and still obviously very angry with me. I really am at a bit of a loss as to why?

He's quite old fashioned re husband/wife split on domestic duties. I don't have dinner waiting for him every night and do ask him to cook fairly regularly but then I have a 2 year old and 3 year old to chase around all day and work part time from home too.

I had PND after DD was born (and probably beforehand too) and it was during the time when I was really struggling with it that this all seemed to surface. I know he is disappointed with me as a wife but can't work out how to deal with it. What worries me most is that instead of telling me what is bothering him he builds up this resentment against me and then has these odd explosions.

Sorry, this has got longer than I intended. I really would welcome your thoughts - am I being mad or is he?

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 28/11/2011 11:45

Is his Dad rotten to his Mum is this way? Do you think he witnessed a lot of this kind of aggression growing up?

The fact that he acts nice in front of others but unleashes on you (proving its not a blanket depression or anger issue) must be very hard for you to deal with.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 28/11/2011 11:46

Personally I would give an ultimatum.

Is he having an affair?

How long has he been shouty?

2rebecca · 28/11/2011 11:47

If I didn't fancy cooking and wanted a takeaway then we would have one, unless my husband was desperate to cook. This sounds a very unequal relationship. No bloke rants and raves at me for such trivial nonsense. Why didn't you get angry with him for treating you like his servant?

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 28/11/2011 11:51

It sounds as though he thinks of you as the hired help, hence the rage when you dared to suggest a takeaway instead of doing your duty in the kitchen.
No, of course you didn't deserve it.
You're the one who should be furious.
He's the one who should be apologising and trying to make things better.
But he won't because he's an abuser.

clam · 28/11/2011 11:55

So, who has the greater problem? Him being "disappointed" in you as a wife, Hmm or you, having to put up with outrageously unacceptable and unfair behaviour from him?
I hope you're not going to tiptoe around him and pander to him until he deigns to "forgive" you. Tell him to grow the fuck up and talk to you like an adult would.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 12:01

I would be disappointed in him as a husband

I would be telling him so, and that since he is so shit at it, that you are considering whether or not to stay married to him

tadpoles · 28/11/2011 12:08

Oh dear - what is it about (some) men and marriage? Pre marriage they seem like the nicest, kindest people on earth - great lovers, friends etc.

Post marriage they seem to morph into a version of their father. Or morph into a version of what they think it means to be a 'husband'. Gone is the kind friend, the considerate lover, the good fun person and in their place is some grumpy, demanding 1950s husband expecting dinner on the table, sex on demand and children lined up, von Trap style, for a quick bedtime story.

I would be fascinated to know what he expects a wife to be? Ask him to write a list of things that he thinks a wife should be. You can then write a list of things that you think a husband should be.

You are saying that it all started to become difficult when you were 'struggling'. Most people struggle with babies - it's an incredibly challenging time in one's life. I think there are some men who cannot handle it when their wives start strugglling. This happened with a friend of mine - very similar thing. The husband was fine when all was under control, but when she went through a bereavement and struggled with having a baby and several toddlers, he just lost it. It is as though they cannot cope with their wife not being in control.

I think you need to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. If he is annoyed he has to tell you calmly why - you cannot be expected to double guess him. If he wants you to cook he should tell you. You can then decide whether you will or not. A takeaway seems like a very reasonable compromise if you are too tired - as others have said there are obviously other issues here.

He certainly sounds quite disappointing as a husband.

Original poster
wandymum · 28/11/2011 12:42

thank you all.

I've made an appointment with a relationship counsellor and am going to tell him that if he doesn't come things are over. If I try and talk to him he either screams at me or walks away so I think the only way to get to the bottom of it is to put him in a position where he has to talk.

I strongly suspect he'll refuse to come though so then it's a question of whether I can carry the threat through.

OP posts:
PosiesOfPoinsettia · 28/11/2011 12:43

You have to carry out the threat or it will be even worseSad.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 12:54

Don't make the threat if you are not prepared to carry it through

That would be the very worst thing you could do....you would lose so much ground and cement in his mind he can behave to you as he pleases and there will be no consequences

You would be better not to make the threat in the first place

I think you are doing the right thing though

bubblechristmaspop · 28/11/2011 13:01

Erm, NEVER make an ultimatum to an arse, if you can't carry it out.

It's more ammunition fro them to mock you, laugh at you, treat you like a skivvy and carry on.

They just see it as "the stupid little wife y, says x and carries on washing my draws as usual, she'll never end it".

Men like this have no respect for their wives and will just carry on harder when you make threats to leave it, and never do. It becomes a game then as they know you are never going to do it.

seeker · 28/11/2011 13:08

Don't threaten anythingbyou're not willing/able to carry out. You're just handing him even more power over you.

jasminerice · 28/11/2011 13:10

I agree the worst thing you can do is make a threat and not carry it through. It'll give him a big green light to carry on treating you exactly as he has been doing.

Your DH sounds a bit like mine used to be. A very traditional old fashioned view of what a wife should be doing in the home etc. He also didn't like it when I was struggling after having DC's with PND and keeping up with cooking, housework etc. He got his ideas from his parents who are from the stone age, his mum does everything in the house and dad does nothing apart from go to work.

I tried to be the sort of wife DH wanted but just couldn't do it. Eventually I came to my senses and realised I was doing my best and if he couldn't recognize that and appreciate it then he could bugger off. I told him exactly that.

Now if he ever complains, criticises, or speaks to me rudely, I tell him the only choices he has with me are either put up and shut up or leave. The message seems to have got through and things are much better now.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/11/2011 13:12

Oh, love, this sounds awful.

If he will not listen and screams at you (that sounds awful), can you write it down? And maybe go off to your mum's for a few days if that's a possibility?

I am really worried for you. His reaction was utterly out of order.

By the way, you say you 'ask' him to cook - so I take it he thinks, or the two of you think, that it is your responsibility by default? Really that is not on - if he can cook, and you do not have time and energy to do it all the time, he should be pitching in and doing his share.

If this has never been stated openly between you, and it's always been phrased as 'Dh, would you mind cooking' or 'may we have a takeaway', IMO he needs to realize that actually, you are entitled to suggest a takeaway when you want one and he does not have the right to scream!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/11/2011 14:04

Learn the following and repeat calmly as necessary
"You have no right to talk to me in this way!"

"My choices and decisions are as valid as yours and I expect you to respect that!"

"We are equals and you will treat me as such!"

You are placing yourself at lower status than him, why? You are talking about apologising to him for his outburst, why?

How dare he rant and rave at you, you are his equal not some Victorian scullery maid.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 28/11/2011 14:08

What are you afraid of OP?

seeker · 28/11/2011 14:15

Wandymum- does he hit you?

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 28/11/2011 14:23

He sounds like a stroppy bugger. Do not put up with this shit. In fact, that reaction to me not cooking one night would make me down saucepans pretty much permanently until I got an apology. Although, if DH had reacted that way I'd probably assume there was some Deep Shit going on.

Jux · 28/11/2011 14:49

Do not on any account try to appease him. Tell him you will not tolerate the way he behaved towards you and that you want a proper apology. Tell him that he will be going to relationship counselling with you. Tell him if it ever happens again you will divorce him. Tell him that you are not his skivvy but his wife and are an equal partner to him and that you expect respect and consideration from him.

If he gets angry call the police.

cestlavielife · 28/11/2011 14:50

i think you will be better off going to the cousnellor on your own first.

it sounds like he is only like this to you in private?
so he will put on perfect face to the cousnellor and you will begin to think you are the one who is mad...

tell him you ahve made an appt with a counsellor.
if he insists on coming - well fine - the counsellor will have seen it before...and if a good one will spot teh signs.

but better you go yourself to talk thru the good/bad of our relationshuip an strategies to handle him ie how can you change your reactions to this?

cestlavielife · 28/11/2011 14:53

www.biscmi.org/documents/MEDIATION_AND_DOMESTIC_VIOLENCE.html for violence read "torrent of verbal abuse" it doesnt have to be physical violence

irnbruguzzler · 28/11/2011 14:53

Does any of this sound familiar OP?

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 16:24

tbh, I don't joint ounselling is indicated here

it isn't recommended where there is abuse in the relationship

OP, you would be better to get individual counselling to enable you to find out why you have been tolerating this, and to find the strength to leave him

IMO

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 16:24

*counselling

MrsHankey · 28/11/2011 16:33

Really feel for you wandy. His behaviour unacceptable really.

Does he have any mental health issues? not trying to excuse at all, but I know I can be very difficult to live with when I am depressed Sad