Is this as bad as I think?

[justkeepsmiling2]

Hello, long one sorry but I need to talk to someone.

Background - I was raised in a abusive and extremely neglectful family, I was raped and sexually assaulted as a teenager by a man and his friends were in their 40's, my first real relationship (a man twice my age) ended when he was unfaithful (Its the first time I've written this down, I've never spoken about it before). As a result I have severe trust issues, I don't have any friends - just acquaintances, I rarely accept invitations to go out, I keep everyone (except my OH at arms length). I'm a housewife and like to stay in, hate leaving the house. I know I have issues and am a bit fucked up and I need some counselling...one day.

Last night I noticed that my OH (of 15 years) has a profile on a social netting working site. Nothing wrong with that other than he is very vocal at how much he hates them, full of sad people who need to get a life etc. So I was surprised, was also surprised that out of 25 people he was friends with, most were women, he is not the sort of person who is comfortable around the opposite sex, he works with men and has no female friends. So I mistakenly decided to confront him last night about it. I didn't go in guns blazing, just oh look what I've found kind of thing.

He went mad! Accused me of snooping, I could see it was going to turn into a row so I went into the spare room. Just as I was about to nod off he comes barging in yelling at me and calling me allsorts. I told him to go away we'll talk about it tomorrow but he just kept shouting at me. I stood up to push him out of the door when he grabbed me, threw me onto the bed, sat ontop of me so I couldn't move (I am a tiny 5ft woman, he is 6ft2 and heavy). He pinned down my wrists and started shouting abuse (f,ing whore, bitch, c,nt, I hate you, I f,ing hate you, moron, idiot). His face was close to mine and he was spitting venom. Whenever I tried to struggle free he began twisting my writst (with one hand), if I tried to talk or shout back he would twist it further, I thought he was going to break my wrist so I was just still while he ranted at how much he hated me. I had tears rolling down my face and said you are hurting me, he said I DONT CARE!

When he got it out of his system he went to the bathroom to calm down, he then put his head around the door and said "sorry I called you an idiot".

This is the first time he has lost it with me, it is completely out of character and if I told anyone who knows him they wouldn't believe me. He isn't a thug or an unpleasant man. Last night was the first time I've ever been afraid of him. So scared, I felt panicky being pinned down and unable to defend myself. I'm in shock this morning and have no one to talk to.

Hello, so sorry this has happened to you, yes it is as bad as you think. You need to get a friend or family member to be with you know, you need their support to seperate from this man. No man has any right to make anyone afraid, what he did to you is completely unacceptable.

Can you call someone now?

Bad. Yes.

To be with you now I mean!

Your entire life sounds traumatic and NONE of it was your fault. You deserve to be safe and loved and that means not being with this man. It does sound like he has severe anger issues which perhaps were triggered by guilt at what he has been doing. But there is no excuse for his behaviour.

If you don't have any RL people to talk to try 0808 2000 247 which is the DV helpline. Please call someone you sound so alone and scared.

simplytes, no I don't really have anyone I can talk to. I have an okish relationship with my family but I don't tell them anything. It sounds strange but I don't have a close friendship with anyone (my OH was my best friend).

If I was on my own I would probably be leaving today but I have kids and no money of my own (well £40 I have squirrelled away). One of my kids is severely disabled and is a two man job, I can't do it on my own.

It's the shock of it being so out of character, and having the one person who is supposed to care for me call me such awful names. I feel on completely on my own now.

" I thought he was going to break my wrist so I was just still while he ranted at how much he hated me. I had tears rolling down my face and said you are hurting me, he said I DONT CARE!"

Reread what you put- this is exactly as bad as you think it is. You have got to get away from him. He could have severely injured you, he was causing you physical pain and emotional distress and HE DIDN'T CARE. He deliberately hurt you and then he brushed it off with an apology for shouting- he didn't acknowledge the fact that he almost broke your wrist. He brushed it away. Please get to a safe place.

"He isn't a thug or an unpleasant man."

But that is exactly what he has been with you. It really is as bad as you think - and one time only is one time too many. Please find as much support as you can, as soon as possible.

Oh honey you poor thing. It does sound like you've had a terrible time previously, and yes, counselling will help you come to terms with this and help build your sense of self worth.

And I can see why you must be in deep shock and really scared to have been attacked in this way by the one person you trust. It's not on for him to treat you like that. Do you live together?

Does he treat you well in all other aspects of life? Even if he does.. this is a chilling incident, probably provoked by guilt. Phone the helpline Simply has put up or try and talk to a friend.. don't let him sweep this under the carpet or it will fester and he is NOT allowed to treat you this way.

Not bad it is absolutely horrific. Please do as SimplyTes has said and phone that number today.

How absolutely awful for you, that sounds very frightening indeed. I'm not surprised you are in shock!

I am no expert in this kind of thing and your situation/background sounds rather complex, so not sure I can give any advice but.... I think he needs a clear message that you will not tolerate this type of behaviour. Are you going to report this to the police?

My first instinct was to say pack your bags, or his, and get the hell out, because just the fact that he is capable of doing this, behaving like this towards his OH, even though he's never done anything like it before, does not bode well. But it sounds as if you have difficult issues about leaving the house etc. Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a couple of nights, to give you time to think what to do, rather than sitting there waiting for him to come home? It always feels better to take some kind of action, rather than sit and wait, with dread....

It sounds as if this social networking site is his guilty secret, or was, until you found out about it, which has triggered this violent reaction. I think it is a can of worms that has been opened and, unfortunately, it is going to be impossible to stuff those worms back in to where they came from

After he'd apologised for calling you an idiot, as if that were his worst crime, what happened? Did you manage to sleep? How was he this morning?

What he has done is he has assaulted you, and this is a crime.

If it were me, I could not stay under the same roof, because I would be far too frightened.

What is your instinct telling you?

I got up this morning to get the kids ready and he told me to go back to bed, he'll sort the kids and go into work late. When they had gone, he brought me a cup of tea and sorry I lost my temper. He said it's not always easy living with me because I don't trust him (this is true), he said everyone has a different length fuse and his is long. When I said I thought he was going to break my wrist he looked amazed. He looked at my wrist (which has just got some minor bruising) and said it would look much worse than that - he was just pinning me down so I would listen. He was frustrated that I was pushing him out of the door when he wanted to have it out. But he didn't want to talk about the social net work profile, he just wanted to shout abuse at me. He wouldn't leave me this morning until I said I had forgiven him, I said lets forget about it because I just wanted him to go to work.

Sorry to hear you are unable to call someone to come and be with you, are you sure your family wouldn't rather hear what is going on to offer their support?

I know now that you have children and are thinking what is best for them, but if he can do this to you is there a chance they might be in the firing line? Or witness what happened/happens to you?

Have you spoken to him today? I think in this situation I would not be able to move on from this but I'm not you..................have you called the DV number, just knowing someone is on your side may help the fear.

My God that sounds AWFUL! I would contact that number. I think you should also see your GP and get a referral for counselling. Honestly, the sooner the better. He has assaulted you violently in your own home. Can you not get him to leave? What he has done is a criminal offence.

You poor thing. This is very very bad; a horrible assault. Please do what the others have said and call WA on 0808 2000 247. Tbh I don't believe that someone who is genuinely a decent person would do anything remotely like this. And if someone did do something out of character (not even as horrific as this), they would be ashamed and hugely apologetic. Your OH simply gave you a joke of an apology.

FWIW, I don't think he got angry out of guilt. He's hiding something on the social networking site, got caught out, and erupted to stop the conversation dead, and make you frightened to raise it. Classic abuse tactic. He probably discouraged you from having a facebook account by criticising people who have one. Wonder why . It's also in his interests to keep you isolated and feeling that you can't cope without him.

So sorry to hear about your awful experience. If you want to measure it, on a scale of "bad" ask yourself if you'd want one of your DC's in the position you were in last night. Did they witness any of this too?

I'm afraid there's two huge things to face up to here - he sounds like he has been unfaithful, or is in the process of doing it, and has been caught out, hence his OTT anger at you, to make you feel bad about it.

The other is, underneath his calm exterior lies a violent bully. Due to the fact that he is the only person you trust, you have unwittingly fed him all of your hang ups and darkest fears. He knows exactly which buttons to press to make you feel scared.

Try and take some time to think calmly today if you can - is it your fault you don't have close friends, or has he had any influence on that at all? Play a conversation through your head where you take control and ask him for answers on his behaviour and hidden lifestyle. If you think it will blow again ,you do need someone round to support you. Perhaps people are there, waiting, but you need the make the first move.

There is support for you, you aren't alone on here. Sound out as much as you need to. Some RL support is needed. Think about how life could be without him - what would you need and perhaps discretely contact Social Services, local Church, any support group or helpline you can get your hands on. Noone would begrudge you in your situation.

Also you are entitled to some sessions of counselling on the NHS - were you aware? Has your OH ever actively challenged you to get some professional support? I would wager not. He's got you exactly where he needs you - at home, tending to his home and family.

Be safe x

He assaulted you, knowing you were vulnerable to that type of assault, and then forced you to forgive him.

I think you need to get some professional support.

Honestly, he is the best dad in the world. He is fearously protective, with never ending patience. He would never hurt them. The problem is that I'm not an easy person to live with, I hate to say it but I'm probably a bit crazy. Since I stopped doing the school run I hardly ever go out, just shopping (thats how I like it too). I worry excessively about the kids and can be quite neurotic at times. I have always worried that he will leave me one day and find somebody better. He socialises without me so I'm constantly insecure and very needy. I think it has just taken him 15 years for it to explode.

Right on the button wannabesybil, right on the button.

He's rewriting history, love :( I'm really sorry. He's trying to make it sound less terrible then it actually was. When they do this people like you or me will get confused and unsure, and begin to wonder whether they were in the wrong somehow. What happens is someone that does what he has will downplay what's happened and shift the responsibility for THEIR actions onto you.

What he was saying:
It's partly your fault because you don't trust him and make it hard for him.
He isn't really to blame because he has a long fuse.
He wasn't deliberately hurting you and twisting your wrist on purpose, he was just getting you to listen.
You were trying to push him out of the door: if YOU hadn't done that then he wouldn't have reacted the way he did!

See all the editing going on? Instead of a frightening encounter where abuse was screamed in your face while he twisted your wrists to cause you pain whenever you tried to struggle away...it was just a bit of a tiff where he tried to get you to listen when you wouldn't. And the latter version isn't what really happened.

Crossed posts justkeepsmiling.

Please don't forgive him, he doesn't deserve you or a second chance. There might have been the smallest possibility if his actions this morning were different. He should have been in pieces, apologising non-stop, saying he would do anything to fix the relationship, that he would give up all the social networking and prove to you that nothing has happened.

Instead he is trying to belittle you and make it seem that it wasn't a big deal - almost saying its your fault for not trusting him. I'm so sorry I don't know if you could ever feel safe with a man like this.

I checked the kids last night and they were fast asleep, I'm pretty sure they slept through it. They were behaving normally this morning, I don't think they know.

Simplytes - he did say he was going to delete his account. But tbh its the last of my worries now.

My SIL couldn't leave the house for about 10 years after her father died, my brother offered her nothing but support and love, they have 3 beautiful girls and yes their life has been tough but he would never frighten her no mattered how frustrated he got with her behaviour.

There is NO excuse for his behaviour.

Justkeepsmiling, you are right the account is irrelevant now. Time to come up with a plan of action. What do you think the next step should be?

you both sound like you need professional help :(

yes it is that bad.

Tbh your past is entirely irrelevant here - because even though we all have our tipping points in terms of tolerance of mistrust, suspicion etc, there is never any justification to react in the way your (d) p did last night. Even if he'd ranted out of sheer frustration one might be able to comprehend that when coupled with the things he says are frustrating, but the physical reaction tips the issue into a whole new dimention which changes the dinamic of the relationship for ever.

How old are your children? Is he their father? Do you work? Do you have joint or separate bank accounts? What access do you have to money?

It may not be as easy as getting up and leaving now but with time, and the right help and support you can do it. You are worth better than this.

Find a way to put together some money for the future. A little bit at a time if you have to. Put it in a safe place, a separate bank account, somewhere he doesn't have access to it and won't know it's there.

Speak to CAB to see what your entitlements will be as a single parent of a severely disabled child.

Who owns the house? is it in joint names or are you renting?

There are lots of others on here with experience of these things which I don't have, who I'm sure will be able to give good advice. Bu just because you have a disabled child don't feel you have to stay in a relationship where you are afraid, you don't.

And perhaps you will need some counselling to deal with your past, but your past is not to blame for what happened to you last night, your OH is.

good luck.