Is this as bad as I think?

[justkeepsmiling2]

Hello, long one sorry but I need to talk to someone.

Background - I was raised in a abusive and extremely neglectful family, I was raped and sexually assaulted as a teenager by a man and his friends were in their 40's, my first real relationship (a man twice my age) ended when he was unfaithful (Its the first time I've written this down, I've never spoken about it before). As a result I have severe trust issues, I don't have any friends - just acquaintances, I rarely accept invitations to go out, I keep everyone (except my OH at arms length). I'm a housewife and like to stay in, hate leaving the house. I know I have issues and am a bit fucked up and I need some counselling...one day.

Last night I noticed that my OH (of 15 years) has a profile on a social netting working site. Nothing wrong with that other than he is very vocal at how much he hates them, full of sad people who need to get a life etc. So I was surprised, was also surprised that out of 25 people he was friends with, most were women, he is not the sort of person who is comfortable around the opposite sex, he works with men and has no female friends. So I mistakenly decided to confront him last night about it. I didn't go in guns blazing, just oh look what I've found kind of thing.

He went mad! Accused me of snooping, I could see it was going to turn into a row so I went into the spare room. Just as I was about to nod off he comes barging in yelling at me and calling me allsorts. I told him to go away we'll talk about it tomorrow but he just kept shouting at me. I stood up to push him out of the door when he grabbed me, threw me onto the bed, sat ontop of me so I couldn't move (I am a tiny 5ft woman, he is 6ft2 and heavy). He pinned down my wrists and started shouting abuse (f,ing whore, bitch, c,nt, I hate you, I f,ing hate you, moron, idiot). His face was close to mine and he was spitting venom. Whenever I tried to struggle free he began twisting my writst (with one hand), if I tried to talk or shout back he would twist it further, I thought he was going to break my wrist so I was just still while he ranted at how much he hated me. I had tears rolling down my face and said you are hurting me, he said I DONT CARE!

When he got it out of his system he went to the bathroom to calm down, he then put his head around the door and said "sorry I called you an idiot".

This is the first time he has lost it with me, it is completely out of character and if I told anyone who knows him they wouldn't believe me. He isn't a thug or an unpleasant man. Last night was the first time I've ever been afraid of him. So scared, I felt panicky being pinned down and unable to defend myself. I'm in shock this morning and have no one to talk to.

My ex deleted his "Adult Friend Finder" account infront of me.

It was the other 3 "discrete adult hookups" sites that I had to find through the browsing history.

Then 3 months later I found he had rejoined, but using work address, the f*cking idiot. This happened 4 times, believe it or not and I believed his shit every time and forgave him.

Then I realised it was me who became the f*cking idiot.

Have you checked the browser history or looked up a man of his age and background in the local area on some of these sites? You might be in for some even nastier surprises I'm afraid.

Print off what you find too, if you are going to confront him and he deletes the evidence he'll be gaslighting you for ever.

I get the feeling you are going to forgive him, in the way you are talking yourself round. He's a great dad in comparison to who? How many other dads are you in contact with?

At least write up a plan of help and support you need for counselling and some costs. Acknowledge your problem, ask him to acknowledge his tonight, and make an appointment with Relate. And take a few pics of your wrists once the bruises come out, and if you do see a counsellor, make sure you get his or her opinion on it.

You are trapped at the moment with one point of view for your entire life - his. You can change this.

he apologised for calling you names - but not for assaulting you. he will so easily do this again.
please go to GP today and tell GP everything and ask for rapid referral to counselling.

sorry but you dont know he would never hurt the DC. you jsut dont know. i bet you never thoguht he would assault you.

you need some support, go see GP, speak to womens aid, and be ready to call 999 if it happens again.

you shoudl really report this assault to police today too - but first stop GP and tell everything.

do you ahve a social wroker for your disabled child? please call them and tell them what is going on - mine (for my DS disabled) was v supportive to me when my now exP went crazy. they can help you and give you teh support you need to live away from this man and have in-house care - daily if needed - for your disabeld child - dont let that be a barrier to you getting away from a violent bully.

"He isn't a thug or an unpleasant man"

he is now. he only has to kill or maim you ONCE for it to be enough.

and he will be again - he didnt even apologize to you for this violence orshow any remorse or even acknowldge it.

Briefly, something positive, my SIL only got over her fear of leaving the house (panic attacks) when she had to. Her mum took the girls to school but when her mum broke her hip, she had no choice but to take the girls to school herself. She is now 95% "cured" and has lots of mum friends from the school run.

Basically we are all stronger than we think and when push come to shove you can do this on your own.

"One of my kids is severely disabled and is a two man job, I can't do it on my own. "

you can do it on your own but with help from carers which SS will provide for you - but you need to tell SS what is going on and that you need helpa dn what help you need.

no one has to stay with an abusive man . not for the "help" he gives you with your child or for anything. but you HAVE to tell your child's social worker wat is hapneening and ask for urgent meeting with them and help.

best would be your h leaves and SS can help you stay in your home.

There is something that I have thought of. We are currently doing a refurb on the house in a hope we can sell it when the market picks up. If we sell I could get 100k equity (half) and I could start again. I don't work, its so difficult when you have a disabled child, but not impossible. I'm also going to start an emergency fund just in case.

At the moment though I'm going to suggest relate to him. I suggested an internet ban this morning (because that is a huge area for distrust) and he didn't say anything. I'm moving my stuff into the spare room today, just to let him know its not forgotten.

I know it sounds bad, but has anyone here stayed in a relationship where this has happened and been able to work it out? I think it must be possible if it is isolated.

Nobody else knows what your relationship is like, but violence and intimidation are unacceptable. Don't let him minimise the incident or blame you. You may have your problems and be difficult to live with, but that's not an excuse. He needs to recognise that, you seem very self aware so he needs to be too. If you want to carry on with the relationship then couples counselling and individual counselling for yourself would both be very helpful I'm sure.

You're doing the right thing by discussing it here, a lot of people will be able to help you through this, whatever you decide.

just - he didnt care he hurt you
he hasnt apologised
he shows no remorse for hurting you

unless and until he admits what he has done and shows remorse then you wil never be safe - at any moment he will do the same again.

he has done it and gotten away with it.
he will do it agian - next week next month next year...

the internet thing is the least of your worries here.

have you made an appt with GP yet?

Glad to hear that you are thinking of a life away from him. With that money of course you can make a new, happy life, you can get support, as suggested start looking in to what SS can provide.

Still think you need to have someone with you - if he flips out again I hate to say it but it may be worse. Surely if a family member can't be with you then perhaps a police person should be if you decide to ask him to leave, which to me would be the right choice.

Moving your stuff into the spare room suggests you have done something wrong. I would move my DH stuff into the front garden and change the locks!

How do I go about getting counselling on the NHS please?

Why do you already have money 'squirreled away'? What has happened previously to make you do that?

NHS has loooooong wait lists. Visit gp to get a referral

sara - it was just going to be for holiday spending money. But it has made me think that it is possible to put money to one side without him knowing. I'm thinking of getting a part time job. It fill me with dread but I think I need to do something outside this house and family. I think I have learned that I am totally dependant on other people which is scarey.

I am going to have a shower now and put my makeup on and do something positive. Can I just say 'thank you' to everyone for listening to me, I know I'm one of many with problems - so thanks for taking time to post.

One more thing...can some clever person tell me how I can delete evidence of this thread from my computer. Don't want OH to read it. TIA

Is this the first incidence of domestic violence in your home ?

It won't be the last, that is certain

Go to "history" at the top of your screen (it might be in one of the drop down menus depending on what browser you have) and delete all the mumsnet ones or just all of today's history if that's easier.

Hello smiling

My dad was as remorseful as hell the days after he hit my mum. He'd make her cups of tea, apologise for 'losing his rag' and seem to not see her bruises. At least once he cried and apologised to me.

I'm sorry smiling, it is that bad. It starts small and escalates. Mum's started with a slap, and went on to include a broken jaw.

Mumsnet can hide this thread by putting it in a folder which is not searchable from Google and can only be accessed by members. Also, make sure you log out of here and delete your browsing history. Does your internet have in private browsing? That would also hide things.

Good luck xx

Thanks kind people. I've pressed the hide button. I appreciate your advice and I've had a lot to think about today. I know what I have to do, can't look him in the eye this evening, and he's being extra nice. I got a grovelling email today telling me how sorry and upset he is, I think he's just realised how serious it all is.

AF Honestly no previous DV in our house at all. We have been having problems with trust but other than that we were a happy family. We've been through a lot with our youngest who has disabilities and have really supported each other. He has just reduced his hours at work (term time only) so we can look after him together in the holidays. He's not ever been controlling with me. Which is why I think there is something seriously wrong here. Stress, internet?? I've no idea whats got into him, he doesn't even swear normally!

Anyway I've seen a job I'm going to apply for, its not ideal but it might just work out if I can find someone to watch them until I get home. My sister has offered me some temporary work with her in the meantime (I'll be working on my own which will ease me back in nicely). I need to be in a position where I can up and leave if it happens again. I'm going to be crafty about things - financially. I also need to get the house finished ready for sale because its my biggest asset, going to get some quotes from plumbers next week and ask my mum if I can borrow some money. I'm going to open a bank account to start saving money for an emergency (two months rent maybe). I also think its time I talked to someone about my past, I'm going to see someone private (my GP knows OH quite well) have had a recommendation from my sister - its a Church counsellor, do you think that will be ok?

Thanks again for your kindness...

Don't know whereabouts you live, but a friend of mine used a counsellor via Virgin (ie: Richard Branson). If you google Virgin Unite you will get the details. It was in London and he said it was brilliant. Lovely counsellor - very helpful. It is a charity so you do not have to pay, although you are asked to make a donation (he is broke, but made a donation of £10 per session I think).

I'm not sure if anything like this exists outside of London? I don't think you will regret counselling - as long as you find one who is kind and understands the kind of issues you will be bringing into the counselling sessions. You are definitely not alone.

If you wanted to get him out of the house you could probably get an occupation order based on that assault.

I can see where you are coming from OP if this is genuinely totally out of character. If he has always been supportive and loving, not been controlling in any way or violent or abusive, then it does make you wonder if there is more to this than just being abusive (just! ykwim).

It could be that his social networking thing was an escape from what does sound like a very stressful life (for both of you). Having a severely disabled child, working FT (again, both of you, you work FT too although you are not paid for it) and trying find money to do work on the house would get to anyone, and perhaps that was his escape from that. Then you found it, and he reacted completely disproportionately because you have invaded his fantasy world.

If it really is a one off mistake then yes, he can change IF he takes 100% responsibility for what happened and IF he gets help with the issues that led to this. As it stands, I think he is trying to make excuses so that he doesnt have to face up to what he did, and if that changes over the next few days into him finally accepting what he did and agrees to counselling (individually for you both, and also as a couple) then there is a chance.

But if at any point he refuses to co-operate or accept blame then no, there isnt a chance and I think that you are very wise to make sure you have an escape plan in place.

" He isn't a thug or an unpleasant man"

Yes, he is.

He's committed a criminal assault on you and if I were you, I would either call the police and report the assault (you don't have to press charges) or tell your GP so that it is on record that he assaulted you.

Not only did he assault you, he denied that he did so. He has taken no responsibility for the assault. That means he feels entitled to assault you and that means he'll do it again.

He's not a fantastic father. Fantastic fathers don't assault the mothers of their children.

Also I suspect that your psychological problems, come from your relationship with him. If he has assaulted you, then there is going to be all sorts of emotional abuse that you haven't yet mentioned, which has gone on as a precursor to this attack. You've made the classic excuses for his behaviour, that most victims of domestic violence make and that means that there's a very high chance that the dynamics of your relationship have followed the classic pattern - emotional abuse, for however long it takes - days, weeks, months or years, depending on the circumstances - followed by physical abuse.

This man is abusive and you and your children are in danger. He may not attack them physically, but he's showing them what to expect from relationships. This book is incredibly useful and I recommend you read it and also call Women's Aid they'll give you advice as well.

Another vote for logging this incident somewhere quickly ideally whilst the bruises are still visible. If you don't go to the police, please please go to your GP and get a record of it. GP will also be able to refer you for counseling. To be practical about these things, it will help your case for things like staying in the marital home etc.

Hello Just, hope today is looking brighter for you, you have certainly done a lot of thinking and looking for solutions which I think is brilliant. Stay strong and get the help that you need.

I think it is fine to go to a church counsellor, I'm sure if they can't help they will help you find someone who can.

All the very best and we are still here if you need support. Tes x

Hi there smiling
I'm glad you're taking lots of positive steps. I'm sure a church counsellor will be fine, and like Tes says if they are not, there are others available.
I agree with logging the incident and taking pictures. I sincerely hope this is a one off, but as far as I know that's rarely the case.
Big hugs xxxx