Hello, long one sorry but I need to talk to someone.
Background - I was raised in a abusive and extremely neglectful family, I was raped and sexually assaulted as a teenager by a man and his friends were in their 40's, my first real relationship (a man twice my age) ended when he was unfaithful (Its the first time I've written this down, I've never spoken about it before). As a result I have severe trust issues, I don't have any friends - just acquaintances, I rarely accept invitations to go out, I keep everyone (except my OH at arms length). I'm a housewife and like to stay in, hate leaving the house. I know I have issues and am a bit fucked up and I need some counselling...one day.
Last night I noticed that my OH (of 15 years) has a profile on a social netting working site. Nothing wrong with that other than he is very vocal at how much he hates them, full of sad people who need to get a life etc. So I was surprised, was also surprised that out of 25 people he was friends with, most were women, he is not the sort of person who is comfortable around the opposite sex, he works with men and has no female friends. So I mistakenly decided to confront him last night about it. I didn't go in guns blazing, just oh look what I've found kind of thing.
He went mad! Accused me of snooping, I could see it was going to turn into a row so I went into the spare room. Just as I was about to nod off he comes barging in yelling at me and calling me allsorts. I told him to go away we'll talk about it tomorrow but he just kept shouting at me. I stood up to push him out of the door when he grabbed me, threw me onto the bed, sat ontop of me so I couldn't move (I am a tiny 5ft woman, he is 6ft2 and heavy). He pinned down my wrists and started shouting abuse (f,ing whore, bitch, c,nt, I hate you, I f,ing hate you, moron, idiot). His face was close to mine and he was spitting venom. Whenever I tried to struggle free he began twisting my writst (with one hand), if I tried to talk or shout back he would twist it further, I thought he was going to break my wrist so I was just still while he ranted at how much he hated me. I had tears rolling down my face and said you are hurting me, he said I DONT CARE!
When he got it out of his system he went to the bathroom to calm down, he then put his head around the door and said "sorry I called you an idiot".
This is the first time he has lost it with me, it is completely out of character and if I told anyone who knows him they wouldn't believe me. He isn't a thug or an unpleasant man. Last night was the first time I've ever been afraid of him. So scared, I felt panicky being pinned down and unable to defend myself. I'm in shock this morning and have no one to talk to.