Married but effectively single - never able to meet someone new, but never able to close and affectionate with dh either - feel like I'm in prison.

[whyisitthat]

Hi

H and I have 3 children together 10 and under. Separating would be very very hard for all of us in different ways. Yet at the same time h and I are not close and I can't see us being relaxed, happy, affectionate and excited about our future together. So in that case we have become the staid "couple" who don't really get on but who are mother and father to the same children. I am sure a lot of people live like this for the greater good of their children. Some people are going to say that it is not for their greater good and there are days when I agree, but on the whole I think they need to be with their mum and dad all the time (and h and I need to be with them all the time). I AM sad that they don't have an affectionate relationship modelled for them . On the other hand, both dh and I love them loads and are very committed to them so they do feel generally happy I think. I know again, people are going to say that children know when things are not right, and I agree with this too, it is just that, the enormity of divorce appalls me and somehow I don't think I have the "right" (in my personal case that is) to cause such upheaval.

So, why is it that, if I were single, the last thing I would be doing is looking for another relationship, but since I am "married" - the thought of never having any flirtatious, loving, affectionate contact with either dh or another man - effectively being "single" but "unavailable", for the rest of my life is really DEPRESSING. It's turning me into a right miserable faced grump!!! What can I do about it?????? (Being a miserable faced grump that is!!!).

On the other hand - could it be that when my life is fuller (finding a job for instance, exercising etc....), I won't mind so much that dh and I are not physically or emotionally close and will be able to get on with my life without worrying about this?? Are all couples physically affectionate or do plenty of others rub along on a day to day basis???

HI- sorry to hear. I think that this state is very common. Exercising, job, friends etc. would help a great deal....but I think that your soul isn't fully nourished unless you have have affection in your life. But I can really see that the disruption, pain and unhappiness of splitting to you and the children is a high price.

What does your DH think?

Hi thanks TDada - oddly reassuring to think dh and I are probably not the only people who live like this! Just never thought that I would be in a loveless marriage .
I really don't know what dh thinks about this because one of our main problems is that we cannot talk about anything that really matters. If I were able to voice my feelings without it turning into an argument, then I think we would probably/maybe get on better. I do know that dh would never be the one to split us up though.

Is it that the affection between you has died? Presumably you must have been in love at some point - is it really not still there somewhere?

Agree about affection nourishing souls!

You sound just like me, sorry no advice as i'm in the exact same quandry.

Hi PostBellumBugsy - yes we were much more affectionate in the early years, though we have always had ups and downs.

The problem is that whereas in the past I probably accepted not being able to talk about my feelings etc.... and then there were the very busy years when the children were very small... Now I find myself in a situation where I don't seem to matter to h emotionally at all. In addition to this there are several elements of his character which I do not like and which have got worse over time: negative / critical / has a short temper... On the plus side he is hard working (something of a workaholic which is hard) and loyal (to the family as a whole).

I am totally dependent on h financially and again this is something which bothers me much more now than it did while dcs were small and I was so busy looking after them.

I was the same and really couldn't imagine putting dss through a split. It came as a shock to me when I realised and I started looking at my life, wasn't pleasant I did leave but I had to for my own sake as well as dss. I hope you can manage to communicate with your OH and salvage your relationship?

Sorry to hear it chocolate - it's like being trapped in a gilded cage.

Hi Curious - what is it (if you don't mind my asking) that wasn't pleasant when you started looking at it better?

It sounds as though, although you find aspects of him annoying, you still value other qualities in him. Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? Have you thought of counselling?

That's what I don't understand Post... People say never to stay in a relationship out of security and feelings of attachment - that love is more important.... but how can you tell the difference?
I can appreciate that dh has good things about his character yes. That I have security in my life due to him. But I don't seem to matter to him at all. All my thoughts go on in my head, with some of my friends or with my counsellor whom I see once a week. I discuss very little with dh. He can at times be very rude and domineering which I do not like.
He would not go to counselling. I asked him recently and he said no.

You're right - it is. I now have the job, more exercise etc but nothing seems to make up for the lack of affection/intimacy, i can't believe that at my age i'm basically in a celibate marriage. I might have to go offline in a min but will get back to your thread op.

He is in some ways a far more solitary and less talkative person than I am but how can I feel upset about this when surely this is something I knew / should have known about him!!!

we were like brother and sister. Plus he didn't like sex neve had really and I started to think there was something wrong with me? Have since learned he has other leanings and there's nothing wrong with me

I can't believe it either chocolate. Then I start to think that maybe everyone else's relationships can't be that great either which surely can't be true???

Thanks Curious. Yes h and I very rarely sleep together and when we do that seems to give him license to criticise / complain (about things in general) more in the next few days, so it is easier to be separate than to face the hope (that things might be better) and subsequent letdown. I suppose if your dh had "other leanings" that gave you a very definite reason not to be together any more? Glad you are happier now.

Yes I know NotJustClassic. I truly don't know what will happen then. We already live like a pair of pensioners (no disrespect to pensioners many of whom have a more exciting life than mine!), so what we will do when we are actually pensioners, god only knows!

It seems there are many of us in these sexless relationships. I too am. We had a baby a year ago, haven't had sex since she was concieved, thatll be two years in January. Not a snog, or anything. He just works all of the time, and I moan at him for not helping with baby. Do you resent your husband? I have too much resentment to want my partner near me. I even resent him for not being a "normal" man and wanting sex. It was never good before.

Like you, I never thought I would be this young and in a celibate relationship (I have always had a fantastic sex life in previous relationships). It really is quite soul destroying isn't it. Do you find yourself looking at other couples thinking "i Bet they have sex"?! You feel like you are the only one not having sex or intimacy, physically and emotionally.

And I agree with the other post, affection and intimacy nourishes the soul. It keeps us feeling alive and excited and loved and desirable etc.

I feel for you, I really do, with 3 children as they are the most important thing and you don't want anything to hurt them. However, as 2 different health visitors have said to me over the course of my babie's first year, Mum has to be happy to ensure the children are happy. If Mum isn't happy, it will show in how you are with them, they will know etc. Whether that is true I'm not sure.

Only you will know if you can go on for the rest of your life feeling as you do. As someone said to me recently, "there will come a time when the option to stay or go will present itself right in front of you".

I hope that you choose the right path for you and your kids in the long run. Good luck x

"there will come a time when the option to stay or go will present itself right in front of you" ... that has cheered me up birdybirdy so thank you - kind of a buddhist way of looking at things and I have thought this before - somehow it makes me feel less powerless...

I don't so much look at other couples and think "I bet they have sex", but I do look at them and think - "I bet they are nice to each other / laugh together / cuddle / feel relaxed and content together / can talk about anything and everything ......"!

Yes I think both h and I resent each other for different reasons, but since we cannot talk about these things without h shouting, we are stuck in our resentful positions forever more!

What about you birdybirdy - would your husband come to counselling with you?

Im in a sexless marriage too. 15 years. In that time ive had 1 one night stand and one long term affair. A friend of mine once said to me. "It must be like being single without the perks." It was said to me eight years ago and ive never forgotten it because it really resonated with me.

I'm sorry carernotasaint - if you don't mind my asking - why do you stay with your husband (or wife - making assumptions here). Am going out to get bread for dcs packed lunch but will be back later - single without the perks, that about sums it up .

Ive been with him since i was 19 and im now 38 so its a long time. He also became disabled in 2006 hence my username. If you click on my username i think it should bring up my older posts from a few months back. Its a bit long and complicated. See what really brought it to the fore was when i lost a lot of weight and my sex drive and confidence soared. I had a long term affair. When that ended i comfort ate and gained some of the weight back. Now im dieting again and have lost almost a stone. I am already beginning to fantasise about having another affair. DH has said to me that i can do what i have to do. There is no one else in the picture though.

why I too am in a loveless relationship - my H constantly critises me and do feel dead inside. I cant stand the thought of spending the rest of my life feeling unloved - I do think this sounds selfish of me, but after alot of reading/thinking/talking on here I'm gradually realising I have choices.
I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the kids, I would have left long ago.

Its a BIG thing and takes alot of guts but I know I am not going to be with H for the rest of my life, I would be gutted on my deathbed!

It has been a very gradual realisation for me and posting on here for you may be the first step in your personal journey towards making some decisions that can change your life and your DCs life for the better.

My Aunt has recently divorced her husband, she waited till her youngest child left to go to uni as she thought it was he right thing to do. She is in her 50s now. She bitterly regrets her decision to stay after all 3 of her boys told her they knew something was wrong and she should have left years ago! She thought she was doing a sterling job of masking her unhappiness and not being honest with the boys - but they picked up on her misery.

Could you imagine how you would feel if you lived apart?

IWBF xxx