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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To Spread The Festive Cheer, Without The Beer!

999 replies

Mouseface · 24/11/2011 19:53

Hello, I'm mouse.

I have an obsession with drinking, I can't have a drink, not just one..... it has to be more. Always more.

So, I got on the Bus, this Bus, full of Brave Babes who will help and support me all the way. Come say hi, grab a seat and a Brew. We're a real mixed bunch that share one thing without any doubt - alcohol abuse.

And if you want to read about our history, it's HERE

See you on the Bus Smile xx

OP posts:
atosilis · 28/12/2011 13:49

Thank you FG. I think my drinking is like the elephant in the room. I didn't want the whole family to have a dry Christmas and I suppose they hoped that I could say 'NO'. Shhh, just don't talk mention it.

I walked out of the room when the Baileys etc was dragged out. The killer was trying spiced apple and not realising that the ginger spirits in it was so strong and didn't go with the wine. I know it was the spirits because I became very angry very quickly. I felt like they were just waiting for it. I heard DD2 say 'I KNEW it, Mum's drunk at Christmas'. We don't really communicate when I think about it. Lots of talking but not much communicating, which is why is was so lovely to have a long chat with DD3. I said, "Why were you so angry with me yet you sat at the table the next day, drinking wine in my face?". She burst into tears. This has got to come to a stop as I think DD2 and DD3 binge drink when out with friends, DD3 let that slip out in conversation. I'm going to look for a flat that I can stay in for a month, even a b&b. Time for a big extended family discussion. My mother used to drink loads and I hated it. It really worms right through families.

venusandmars · 28/12/2011 13:53

atosilis OK so you drank on 25th and on 27th (don't know about the day in between) but you've been in rehab, you did 9 months sober, so 2 days shouldn't wipe it out. You can't undo the days you have drunk, but don't undo all the good progress you made over the last year. What are you going to do now?

Why did you post here? yeah we understand your pain but what do you want now, do you want our support to stop again, or our encouragement to go back to your health professionals and ask for their help? What are your plans for today. Why not jopin those of us who are not drinking?

venusandmars · 28/12/2011 13:55

x-post

atosilis · 28/12/2011 14:08

I think the support to stop again. I mentioned it to my doctor who just gave me a phone number of local counsellors. I found mine myself. My rehab was 3 years ago and I was dry nearly all the first year, it's just slowly built up again. Weeks of nothing and then BAM!
I wasn't working 3 years ago and was drunk each and every day, at least I am working now and have to get up and function. I truly believe that I need to remove myself from my environment with a husband who drinks, and not go out anywhere where there is alcohol, for a month. Last year he had a minor stroke and I'm watching him drink/eat himself into the next one.
I'll get back on the bus and book in. I'm already dreading NYE but luckily there will be drivers so I'll not be alone in not drinking.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2011 14:09

i'm drinking.

my numbers that i said about - i hit about -5. it was unbearable and i just didn't know what to do with it other than put something 'in'.

i wish so much that i could go away on my own somewhere, i wish i had help, i wish a lot of things that can't happen because i am the mother of a 4yo boy who needs me. if i wasn't i'd be dead.

sorry for such a grim post.

i don't know who to call, what to do, nothing. i'm sick to death of myself. so i have poured a glass of wine because something has to make it stop. i'm sick of being ill, i'm sick of having to take tablets that create as many problems as solutions half the time, i'm sick of having to justify my existence as a non-functional member of society, i'm sick of having no one who could put their arms around me and let me cry out this well of grief that seems to be in me and has been for too long to bear to think about.

it is only 2pm. the five hours till bedtime feel like a lifetime. i hate myself. i pity my son having me as a mother. i feel deeply ashamed that i was selfish enough to have a child.

he's fine btw - playing with all his new toys. it's actually scary that he's fine whilst his mother sits on the sofa depressed and trying not to cry constantly. it's not fair on him at all. i wish i could go away - i just want to be allowed to go somewhere and rest and be taken care of and helped to feel better. utterly selfish and childish.

atosilis · 28/12/2011 14:10

I think it's got worse over the past year as we are adapting to him being at home all the time and retired.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2011 14:10

it is taking every ounce of self restraint to not just ball my eyes out in front of my son. but i can't do that to him.

atosilis · 28/12/2011 14:12

I know it's an old cliche but can you go out for a fast walk with him in a buggy?

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 14:15

Hang in there Saf this will pass. Like everything else that hurts, give it another five minutes, ten, they will pass. Keep posting. You are safe, ds is safe that is all that matters right now. x

jesuswhatnext · 28/12/2011 14:15

boing!!! Grin

atolsilis - i inderstand how hard it is, i understand how fucking hard it is when everyone seems to be ignoring your problem, skirting round it, not mentioning it etc but i think YOU have to grasp that only YOU can really stop yourself from drinking, no one can actually make you drink, you make that decision all by yourself!, you didnt 'used to have a drink problem' it never goes away and if you've been in hospital being treated for alcoholism i know you have been told that! as regards your dds and their drinking habits, you could always lead by example! their binge drinking does not give you permission to do the same! - locking yourself away in a flat will only make you feel lonely and miserable, the drink will still be there when you re-join the human race! the only way you will be able to stop drinking is to face it head on, a day at a time!

im honestly not trying to upset you, your family sound very unsupportive and i think that stinks, however, i firmly beleive that you have to want to be sober so much that nothing and no one can break past your resolve and you have to find that strength from within, no one can just 'give' it to you! please stay with us, i know that you will be given unconditional support here and you are more than welcome!

jesuswhatnext · 28/12/2011 14:21

saf - you are NOT a non-functional member of society, you are human being, a kind one, a mother who loves her child and takes care of him!, you are poorly right now, you need to be a bit more gentle with yourself! btw, i think that crying in front of children is not always such a bad thing, they have to understand that there are more emotions in the world than just happy! to feel sad is fine, to feel nothing is not so fine!, to see you cry and want to comfort you will make your boy a more rounded, compassionate person, one who cares and understands how fragile humans can be!

atosilis · 28/12/2011 14:21

Thank you, you're not upsetting me - I do know that I have to grit my teeth and get on with it.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2011 14:34

or it will make him riddled with guilt and inadequacy and a fear of women and emotion. it could make him feel like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. and i know what it's like to feel that as a kid, it's no good.

he's settled to watch a film in his room. that buys me a short bit of time.

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 14:42

Saf I agree with Jesus, it's ok to show your emotion to your ds. You can tell him that mummy has some poorly feelings and it hurts but it will be better soon. I think it will be great for him to grow up without fear and prejudice towards mental health. This is a massive issue in today's society, made all the more so when people don't talk about it.

I am sure you let him know that it's not his responsibility to 'make you better' and there is no way he will grow up feeling the weight of the world. You behave differently to him than adults did to you. You allow him to express himself and you listen to him, you are a wonderful mum and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a day off for flip's sake!

venusandmars · 28/12/2011 14:59

saf I sent you a pm. USE it, we're on the same wavelength x

jesuswhatnext · 28/12/2011 15:01

you are over thinking it SAF!! i dont mean you sit there and wail and tell him that life isnt worth living!, i just mean that he gets to see you upset, that he be allowed to comfort you and understand that sometimes mummmys feel sad! thats ok and quite healthy in my book!

obrigada · 28/12/2011 15:02

SAF I just want to echo what JWN and Faire have said.

Silver66 · 28/12/2011 17:39

Me too Saf - hang in there Babe

Wine O'clock is in my head so necking tea and stealing DD christmas chocs/sweets.

Just come back from DM's where both DSs and DB had huge screaming row.

I just left

Going out for tea at 6.00pm - good to be able to drive later than 5.00pm in the afternoon!!

That should cover the 6 - 8pm danger danger period. Then PJ's, Kindle and please please some sleep Grin

How are you doing Obs ?

Original poster
Mouseface · 28/12/2011 17:52

Evening, tis me, Mouse

I to am drinking tonight, so far, in a controlled way with half a pint of posh cider but it's not even six pm. Tonight I feel the need.

Silver - I am so so so proud of you sweets. Thank you for texting me to see how I am. I think that Christmas and an a very ill child is finally taking it's toll. And the waiting for my MRI scan results are in the back of my mind constantly, wondering what they might find. I'd be happy with just a brain! Wink

Saf - your post made me cry so much for you. The utter despair in your words, the emptiness in you, the loss of love for yourself, the loss of like even. You seem to be just searching for a way out, someone to take it all away and make it better.

You can't carry on like this. You just can't be sad all the time. You know the triggers, you 've known them all of your life so how can you stop them? How can you stop the pain and the hatred from swallowing you up like this?

atosilis - welcome, are you a return babe? Your name seems familiar? Smile

OP posts:
thursnowandsleighbells · 28/12/2011 18:02

Hey babes,

just logging on because it's a tricky old time for me tonight,after all the bloody angst of the last few days.

Saf hang in there sweetheart. I came clean to my DC1 last year about DH, and my relationship with him (not much detail, obviously), and about his mental health issues, amidst lots of tears, but it was the right thing to do, as he had imagined so much worse a scenario. It's ok to cry, and to not be very well with your Dc's, they just want to understand what's going on, and, in the main, will be accepting of it, and understand, just glad that they know (not all details, and not everything of course). Hope you are ok. xxx

Love to all, xxxx

thursnowandsleighbells · 28/12/2011 18:03

Mouse X Posted, love to you, sweets xxxx

thursnowandsleighbells · 28/12/2011 18:05

Silver I hope you had a lovely tea. You are a bit of a star Smile. xxx

onanightlikethis · 28/12/2011 18:13

Hello. I decided to try to stop drinking. Day 2. Also giving up smoking at the same time. Not easy. Still got loads of booze in the house. Can I join you?

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 19:11

Hello digbert welcome to the bus. Do you have a particular reason for stopping today? Make sure you have plenty of soft drinks available and lovely flavoured teas to drink instead. Smile

Atosilis I meant to say earlier, do you have to go to the NYE party? I would be inclined to just give it a miss rather than face all that temptation again.

Mouse x

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2011 19:43

hi. just wanted to say sorry for posting such a miserable message.

and that no one should worry x