morning!! feeling a bit boingier today - got the food shopping to do and tehn housework and then tomorrow i can enjoy a potter about in the kitchen, what with all the stress and crap going on around me i have made a consious decision not to try and be 'perfect' this year, so, its mince pies out of a box and pate out of a wrapper etc, perfect only exists in kirstie allsops house and i feel an utter relif that i know that and have given up!! 
mary and mrs m, so so nice to have you on board the bus!
mary, i used to deny that i was pissed, even when i was slurring and stumbling about, (not a good look for a middle age lady! 
) dh would look at me some mornings and i could see that he dispised(sp?) me, that he was disapointed in me, 'yet again' 
, i was disapointed in myself but no way was i about to admit it, i kept all the feelings of disgust at myself, to myself, woke up each day and did a 'deal' with myself - today i wouldnt be drinking, oh HAH! that would last until about lunchtime, when i would have 'a glass' and do another 'deal' with myself that i would just have maybe one or two and then none in the evening - another HAH!! that fucking voice would already be in head by then, i had failed, i had drunk so i might as well carry on as normal and then 'not drink tomorrow', i feel so sad when i look at the time i wasted in this self-defeating circle - i think a lot of my 'dependency' was actually habit, it became habit to open wine in the evenings, it was habit to think that all problems had to be faced with a glass of wine in hand and habit that all celebrations should be done with a glass in hand.
over the past 18 months i have enjoyed countless parties, 2 of own birthdays, my dhs 40th b/d party, dd engagement party, christmas, easter, summer holiday - most recently i have been able to face the fact that my dm is pretty ill and will need me, that my dd has left home etc and ive done it sober
- my first reaction to anything now is so much more 'measured', my temper has improved, my mind has a peace that i hold in high value, i sleep properly, my dh and i have, after a few rocky months, mainly caused by the fundamental changes in my attitudes to just about everything, which he found difficult to deal with at first, rebuilt our marriage back to being a mutual partnership, something that we had begun to lose because of my drinking (its very isolating when you drink like i did), he was lonely and missed the person i was when we met, his 'habits' had changed to suit mine iyswim? which meant that he didnt really talk to me, assumed i was pissed by early evening and not up for doing anything interesting, looking back, we had got to a point of mearly eixsiting side by side, not really 'living' together
i think this time of year must be about the hardest time to give up booze, its bloody everywhere, i can tell you though that each sober day is such a reward to ones self, i used to 'treat' myself to wine as i 'deserved it', honestly, the longer im sober the dafter that sounds, my treat each day now is to see it in without a hangover, looking forward to the day, not looking back at the night before with mortifcation and shame, chatting with my dd who nearly disowned me, chatting with my dh who now respects me for the effort he can see i make in staying sober, and just enjoying my life! i dont know if its soberity or impending old age but i now take huge pleasure in such simple things, i can read a book again (previously my concentration was shot), i sew, i cook, i like walking (confused) (only with funky footwear obviously! ) i have made new friends, im 'interested' in life again (hopefully that in turn makes me interesting!)
in aa there is a bit about 'you can have what we have' and its true, you dont have to be in aa to get it, you just have to make the first decision of the day one that you really mean!!
TODAY I WILL NOT BE DRINKING!
thats my first thought everyday and i am bloody well sticking to it!
sorry babes, that turned into an essay!