The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To Spread The Festive Cheer, Without The Beer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse.

I have an obsession with drinking, I can't have a drink, not just one..... it has to be more. Always more.

So, I got on the Bus, this Bus, full of Brave Babes who will help and support me all the way. Come say hi, grab a seat and a . We're a real mixed bunch that share one thing without any doubt - alcohol abuse.

And if you want to read about our history, it's HERE

See you on the Bus xx

Morning babes. silver, saf, mouse, JWN, and noteven thinking of you all.

morning venus. i don't know how i missed it but i hadn't realised just how seriously ill your dd was - perhaps you never named it on here or maybe i missed it - dunno. you must have been out of your mind with worry! the latest news you put up sounds positive right? i'm so sorry you and dd have been going through this - she's so young, you don't expect this stuff do you? my thoughts are with you x

Morning, how is everyone.

Are we all feeling a little overwhelmed? JWN how are things with you. Noteven did you manage to get through yesterday. If not, today is a fresh start. Saf you did well to get out of the house, you seem quite focussed and strong at the moment.

I had a 'few' last night and wish I hadn't. I'm ok, no hangover, but just feel a bit bleurgh about it all. I thought I would be better able to stop at two glasses but I still feel compelled to finish the bloody bottle!!

Didn't particularly enjoy it either so those not drinking, just a reminder that you're not missing anything .

Am having a massive pre-xmas sort out. Tidying, cleaning and sorting cupboards. DH will be glad to get back to work for a rest .

Morning Babes, and Mif,

Busy weekend, and I thought I was on the slide on Saturday night, for one reason and another (there always is!) I poured myself a glass of wine, which turned into two, but then stopped, I don't know quite why, because I was in the mindset to drink, but thank you (or me?) to whoever put it in my head to stop. Ok yesterday too, so hopefully something has changed in my brain from last year. It is so easy to have just the one, then at this time of the year.

Mouse I hope your whirring head didn't keep you awake last night, and that you had a good sleep.

Noteven I hope, hope that you didn't drink last night, but, whatever happened please talk.

Silver my thoughts and prayers are with you and your DM.

Saf wishing you at least a 5 today, good luck at the doc's.

JWN how are you? has your migraine gone? I don't have migraines, but a few times I've had a headache that has meant me lying in a darkened room (and not because of a hangover!!!), and the after effects seem to last for days.

Venus sending you love, and wishes for you and all your family to have a quiet, restorative and blessed time this week.

Love to all,
speak later
xxxxxx

just a quick check in - and off I go again.
Love to all

Hello everyone.

Silver I am thinking of you. It must be a comfort to know your mum is getting the best care. I hope you are able to concentrate on just being with her at the moment. Look after yourself too x

noteven how did you get on yesterday? Did you manage to resist? It's so hard.

Mouse I hope you are OK. Yesterday sounds like it was quite intense, although insightful too. Hope you slept well and that you have a good day today.

Saf, although a 3 obviously isn't a good score you sound calm and in control. Hope you have a better day today.

Thurso well done for stopping at 2 glasses. You must have felt really good doing that.

Faire I don't think it's often you succumb like that is it? Sounds like you're not suffering today though, lucky you!

I have slipped back into the old pattern of drinking too much. Have drunk for the last 3 nights (I haven't done this for months). I am hungover and exhausted (I am always awake for hours in the middle of the night when I drink). I hate myself right now. What a bloody idiot. I knew how I would feel when I poured. No-one to blame but myself. I am completely overwhelmed by what I have to do in the next couple of weeks, and who I have to spend time with. I am going to be confronted by so many triggers, and surrounded by booze and people offering me drinks. What a combination.

Anyway I just have to get through it. Time for big girls knickers I think (I love how my predictive text suggests knockers instead of knickers ).

Thinking of you all.

morning!!

now! im about to give you all a stiff talking to!!

the most recent posts are all about drinking, feeling shite about it and not very positive tbh - NOW, i know we seem, as a group, to being going through some bloody awful crap right now, its not fair, its not right and its a fucking bloody awful start to christmas when everyone else seems so happy and we are feeling down and miserable - im telling you all right here and now that NOTHING will be improved by drinking, you all know im right and you all have the capacity and capability to over come just about anything, so, i think its time to stiffen your resolve and put your heart and soul into staying sober! YOU will benefit, your FAMILIES will benefit, what have you all got to lose?

now my wonderful, brave babes GET A GRIP!!! you can only do this with effort, not wishing!

sound cool and calm because i am medicated to fuck tbh. not ideal but only way to survive the dysphoric bit. 2 nights without ds, being able to take enough valium to stop my racing brain and nerve endings driving me to wanting to do something stupid etc is not ideal but on the plus side i'm still here (that's a hard smile but determined to pull it).

you're right jwn we all have a lot on our plate but it doesn't stop the world turning. as for me i am clinging to the fact that this will not last forever - at worst a few weeks and i am desperately hoping the worst has passed.

i'm going to go to the doctor this afternoon. i'm not going to make myself look nice and normal and acceptable, i'm not going to show her what a clever rational girl i am. i'm going to go how i look, how i feel and try to be honest.

now this may be my particular issue of mental health stuff but i think general rules apply. i think ALL of us become masters of pretending we're fine, everything is fine, nothing wrong with me, look see how in control i am etc. it's a survival strategy, or so it seems, but actually it can become incredibly destructive because we are human and humans need help and support sometimes. and we can't get it if we're busy pretending everything is fine.

having problems for a lot of us seems to come hand in hand with feeling SHAME and shame makes us hide. the only way to overcome shame i suspect is to be honest and admit and talk about the things that the SHAME is determined to make us keep silent about and shame thrives on silence.

i'm not sure where this lecture is going or if it is only relevant for me but if you are struggling, if you are keeping secrets, if you are desperately hiding your demons thinking that's the way to survive then i say call bollocks on it and speak - to us, to your partner, to your best friend, to your doctor, to whoever but speak.

sorry if this is random.

i have no heat. i've run out of gas. the answer - go to the post office and buy some. simple huh? nope. not simple when i'm like this - terrifying, panic inducing, embarassingly impossible.

i've said it. shame would have me not say it. but i'm a bit sick of feeling ashamed.

oh and you know what my approach has been so far? to take a valium, which wasn't working, so to add a glass of beer to it in the hopes it would make it kick in.

sick of keeping secrets.

my son is at my mum's so i'm not doing this with him around btw.

and having confessed all that i now feel ready to kick my sorry arse out of the front door and go buy some gas. what's the worst that can happen?

Saf - I'm around all day if you want to talk xx

Checking in Babes - just back from hospital. No improvement and we are struggling to get answers out of anyone - my sisters will be there this afternoon and hopefully see the Doctor.

I just wish, if they think there will be little or no improvement, they would tell us so we can get her into a hospice.................

Right - gotta go and do the feking Christmas shopping - not that I leave it all to the last minute or anything................

Hoping you are all coping with the shit that life throws at us xxxx

i'm so sorry silver - and i get it about the hospice - if there's really nothing they can do then it would be so much better to get her somewhere geared to make her comfy. my uncle didn't get moved and we so wished he had been - but that's another story obviously. hang in there xx

mouse i may call you after the doctor's if you're around. love you x

Silver - sending love and strength your way, please do what you feel is right for your mum. I'm so sorry xx

Saf - what time are you going to the doctors? Yes, I'll be around, just charging my phone. Please be as open and honest as you can be with the doctor. xx

doctor is a 3.10. being picked up at quarter to. life as an adult child, getting a lift with daddy.

someone magic me away please.

Oh Saf, the only good things to come out of this 'thing' you are stuck in, is that you are aware about your feelings, you are ware of the pit falls and you know that something's not right. xx

Saf you are doing great and well done on admitting the shame. So true, even to complete strangers, we like to portray a person who can cope, you're right about that.

JWN thanks for the kick up the arse .

Tinselly you have so much to do, how on earth will you cope on limited sleep and with a stinking hangover? How about, you make a list (check it twice ), delegate what you can then get on with the jobs you need to do. If you want to drink, do it last, when you've done everything else. You will feel so much better about it all. I know it's easier said than done but might be worth a shot.

Isinde how are things with you?

saf silver how are you babes?
sorry you are suffering so much. thinking of you.

i'm alright. saw doc. tried not to blub too much but was fairly honest. got what i needed prescribed and finally let her refer me on to specialists again. she goes on maternity leave now so i have to see a different doctor next time and start again with the trying to trust/be open malarchy.

talked to my dad a bit, he means well and makes grand statements and promises that he's incapable of keeping but means at the time.

went and hung out with ds at their house and had tea there. my dad gave me a big speech about how he could stay longer, no problem and he wanted me to have real time to recover etc whilst we were out then sat in silence when my mum went on about how he'd be coming back tomorrow in front of my dad, me and ds and moaned on about how she thinks she might be getting a cold and poor her etc.

in all honesty i think my dad will likely have forgotten what he said 5 minutes after saying it. he'll say whatever is the good guy thing to say at the time then poof it's gone when you actually make the mistake of thinking he meant it and dare for a minute to think you could lean in on the offer. the irony of how this has translated into my view of men who say they love me does not pass me by

moan moan.

Oh Saf....... I have no words but you know where I am. Lots of love to you sweetheart xxx

Oh saf try and stay strong lovely.

Update - hoping to have her home for Christmas - turn the back room into hospitalish room.. The Christie have been so fantastic and are sorting it all out, and they will bring her home by ambulance, provide hospital bed, commode etc. Got us registered with macmillan nurses, so hope fully they will be on board..............

I can deal with the practical side of it..................

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Silver my BIL had macmillan nurses last year, and they are so brilliant, really do understand, and help, my BIL did go into a hospice, without knowing why , it was the best thing to have done. I hope you are getting some help there Silver, much love. xxxxx

Saf take care and be safe,xxx too long a post (or an expensive therapist) to say that I know what you mean. xxx

about the dad/men thing thurso?

silver that's fab news if you're sure you want to do it. hope you get tons of support x

Morning Babes

Silver - fantastic news re your mum. MacMillan nurses are sent from the heavens in my opinion. They have hearts of gold and nothing is too much trouble for them. I am so glad that she'll be a t home with you, sending love and strength your way xxxx

Saf - how are you feeling today, after speaking to the doctors? What out of ten would you say?

Ma - thinking of you xx

I've got my second MRI later. I'm really scared which is daft, I'm fine aren't I? Yes, just fine. I hope that they can discuss the results sooner rather than later. I'm so fed up of this tingling arm and loss of feeling in it.

Anyway, I should get dressed, be back later with an update. xx

PS - JWN - hope you are all better? xx