sick of dh always stressed, dont know if his behaviour is normal? cant be all due to me, or is it?

[yummytummy]

am so so fed up. havent had the best relationship lately. its just whenever there is a disagreement i feel like he always overreacts in proportion to what its about. like he will just start shouting really loudly rather than discuss things or slam doors or go off.

and its always my fault. even if i think about it after and cant find anything so bad that i have done for that amount of anger. he will always twist the argument in such a way that i cant say anything back and get all confused and just back down. so frustrating as i know sometimes i am in the right.

then i will get slagged off and he will bring up my relationship with my mum which isnt great and say its obviously me.

also i bring out the worst in him and i say no because the worst is already there but apparantly it wasnt at the beginning but as i make him so angry the frustration has built up and i have made it be there.

aargh feel as if i am going mad sometimes as it is always made out as my fault and i can never talk about my feelings.

feels as if this pattern has been set and he always says such nasty things about me. didnt used to be like this he was normal at the start and can be ok in the middle.

just dont know what to do does anyone have advice? i dont want to leave would prefer to work it out somehow also cos of the kids.

please help feel so low and desperate.

hi he has calmed down and has actually said that he realises he went over the top which is very rare for him to admit. i dont know doesnt really mean much anymore. and apparantly the making life hell bit was just said in anger and he didnt mean it. i dont know just feel very detached from the situation whatever he says after doesnt really matter does it. have forgotten what its like to be normal.

is it really possible to have a relaxed partner and normal chats as you woud with eg friends or work colleagues?just that there are so many around me whose partners are similar dont really know anyone with a normal ish partner.

have really had enough. next time will say that he has to seek help or forget it. this isnt right is it? do all of you realkly think its him not me? just thats what he always says that its me. actually am slowly seeing it might not be but its hard.

how do i extract myself from relationship if it comes to that? will i have many rights for custody though as i am sahm with no earnings?

Why wait for next time? Telling you he'd smash your face in and he's going to make your life hell is reason enough.

How to get there? Go to CAB for advice about money and children contact issues. Are you married? Do you own or rent your property?

If you're worried about actually leaving or getting him to leave, then talk to Women's Aid and/or your local police DV unit for advice.

If you are the primary carer, you will most likely get custody. Your (ex?)H will have to pay maintenance,and you can get help on benefits.

As you're married your assets will be divided between you, and as you are not earning and have less earning capability you would probably end up with a greater share of the assets.

both sets of parents think the sun shines out of his arse

This is not unusual at all OP. You will probably find if you look at both your parents that some of his behaviour is familiar. This is why you think it is acceptable and tolerate it. And why they don't criticise him, because in their world this is normal too (because they are either acting like him or colluding with it).
Ordinary kindly people would be appalled at his behaviour.

Come over to This Thread and read some of the links and you will see him there.

The answer is to read, to learn about his behaviour then to detach and observe him as if he was a zoo animal and you were a zoologist. There is no hurry to make a plan, and it is quite enormal to feel as if his behaviour is turning your head into a spaghetti mess. Those of us who post on the Support thread all recognise that feeling.

It's not you it's him!!! Seriously, you are OK

My own dh is very similar and I think we are coming to crisis point, bizarrely we had a row about the heating last night!
He doesn't seem to be able to even see that there might be a compromise.
It's called inability to communicate.
I dont have any answers I'm sorry but 2 things; don't let him wear you down and flatten your confidence, you will never be able to do anything then. Secondly dont wait for next time, if he is anything like my dh he is incapable of any sense once he is in a rage, much better to pick an opportune time when he is calm. I know you risk rocking the boat if all is going good, but if you don't tackle it , it will not change by itself and the situation will only get worse.

yummy, yes, it's "normal" to have a partner who is relaxed, who is your friend, not your controller/boss.. that's the definition of a partner. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable.

Yummytummy how's it going? Have you managed to get anywhere by talking to him?

Witherhills - I am always scared of "rocking the boat" when things are good, but deep down I know the boat will get rocked by itself sooner or later anyway, i.e. when the cycle of aggression starts building up again like now.

What I wonder is, how do these men get to be like this and don't they realise they're being complete arses? My DP has lovely parents who don't behave like that to each other, although he was brought up to think he's amazing just because he's The Only Male Heir.

you answered your own question there...he expects and wants everyone to worship and adore him adn if they dont? well you know what happens

storminawineglass - I had exactly the same experience as yours.

I was permanently put in the position of being 'the accused' - accused of committing crimes (which I didn't commit), thinking (which I didn't think like at all) - basically, a permanent, ongoing character assassination.

It keeps you feeling low.

.