sick of dh always stressed, dont know if his behaviour is normal? cant be all due to me, or is it?

[yummytummy]

am so so fed up. havent had the best relationship lately. its just whenever there is a disagreement i feel like he always overreacts in proportion to what its about. like he will just start shouting really loudly rather than discuss things or slam doors or go off.

and its always my fault. even if i think about it after and cant find anything so bad that i have done for that amount of anger. he will always twist the argument in such a way that i cant say anything back and get all confused and just back down. so frustrating as i know sometimes i am in the right.

then i will get slagged off and he will bring up my relationship with my mum which isnt great and say its obviously me.

also i bring out the worst in him and i say no because the worst is already there but apparantly it wasnt at the beginning but as i make him so angry the frustration has built up and i have made it be there.

aargh feel as if i am going mad sometimes as it is always made out as my fault and i can never talk about my feelings.

feels as if this pattern has been set and he always says such nasty things about me. didnt used to be like this he was normal at the start and can be ok in the middle.

just dont know what to do does anyone have advice? i dont want to leave would prefer to work it out somehow also cos of the kids.

please help feel so low and desperate.

I've seen Sleeping With The Enemy. I have also lived with a controlling, emotionally abusive husband.
One is a hollywood blockbuster - the other actually happened to me in real life.
So I can discern between the two you see?

sounds like my ex too I'm afraid. In the end I couldn't put up with it anymore. I have only just realised that it isn't my fault he was angry with me.

He also used to bring up my relationship with my mum - it wasn't very good, so therefore it's my fault for being "a nightmare" etc. I couldn't see anyway forward with my H.

thanks for replies everyone. storminawineglass, yes a very similar situation sorry to hear its the same for you. hate self confidence being worn away and the names. like you say you just kind of get used to it. similar financial worries and that he would get custody. also he has made me feel so useless as if i couldnt cope on my own with the kids as he does do a lot but then i always get that thrown back in my face.

the recent thing that has hurt the most is that its my birthday soon and in better moment he asked me for a list of what i want. now after every fight i am not wasting my money on you why should i bother etc etc. it just hurts as dont have many friends, family doesnt really do birthdays so if he doesnt i wont get anything at all.

The thing is your self-confidence will only get worse as long as you remain in this relationship. You would cope so much better without having all this crap thrown at you on a daily basis.

Why should he get custody?

Oh, and I forgot say, about the manipulative stuff with other people and making out like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth - YOU know what the truth is. If other people don't get it or don't believe you then really that's their problem.

In a discussion shortly after I'd left my ex, the husband of one of my best friend's made a comment about how I'd left my ex for "not very much really - no worse than in most relationships" (he wasn't being horrible, just saying what he thought) - I was stunned and wondered if that's what my friend had thought/believed. Then I realised it didn't actually matter what they thought - they hadn't been living in the daily nightmare that my relationship had become. It was quite liberating not having to worry about proving that I was right and needing someone else's approval - after all, that was the dynamic with my ex, always trying to prove how he was wrong with his constant accusations. And that in itself made me feel much more confident - I had made a decision that I knew to be right and it didn't matter a jot to me whether other people got it or not.

You don't need anyone elses permission to end a relationship you are unhappy in.

Do you think he could ever improve his behaviour? Does he ever acknowledge he has done something wrong?

Could you perhaps record him on your phone secretly, and play it back to him when he's calm, to show him what he's like? Or is he fully aware of what he's like? If so that would just anger him so avoid it! You could also record him and play it to a friend or your parents, just to get some emotional support for yourself.. he's bullying you, and that's not on. He obviously needs help for his anger.

birthdays...you are an adult - lots of us as adults dont get loads of presents not like when kids.... but you crave a present from him as what? sign of his love? if he givs you a present(s) it will make everything ok?

it wont...

my ex didnt really do presents for me -until he knew it was over - then he went completely overboard with trying to buy me back... creepy it was.

hi

Just wanted to post something similar and then saw your post. DH is like this alot, if I say I am tired or had a long day , I am saying I work harder than him , if I don't respond to something in the way he wants I am negative. His temper seems to just flare up and gets so angry over nothing.
Now I just stay as calm as possible and walk away, I almost detach from the situation. It is crap, doesnt happen all the time but it is rubbish when it does.

This evening the conversation went:
Me: mind that teatowel, it need to go in the wash it is dirty
him: well if its dirty lets just put it in the bin
me: Me, well you dont need to do that, the wash will be fine
him: oh your so fucking easy to wind up
me: well maybe, but that doesnt mean you have to take every chance to push my buttons, I've had a busy day
him: cue: full on rant ...what , you only work five hours (was out from 8-6 today), you think you are the only one that works. and stop fucking critising me, thats all you do.
me: erm no I don't just everything I say is met with sarcasm or you twist things like you didnt hear me or cant understand what I am saying (plays dumb) or answers questions literally which is exhausting.
He shouts and is angry. Asks if I am calling him a liar when he says
I am always critising.
I calmly leave the room with the laptop and do not get into further conversation.

So what is going on here , I am pretty calm and never lose my temper - he says I must have build in rage inside and one day I will end up losing my temper ?? Any clues as to what is happening, I feel pretty detached now tbh. Sorry if this is Hijack OP. Any thoughts?

"he has made me feel so useless as if i couldnt cope on my own with the kids as he does do a lot but then i always get that thrown back in my face."

Same here yummytummy, DP does a lot with DD and is really good with her, in many ways more of a natural at parenting than I am, and more attentive to lots of things that I don't worry too much about. But I was told by a reliable source that it's unlikely the father would actually get full custody unless I was on drugs or drink or something (we're in a southern european country, not the UK). Anyway what scares me really is the messy court battle etc.

Wouldn't worry about the birthday present too much, I got given a crappy self help book last Xmas as he was annoyed at me about something that made him irrationally jealous.

My DH behaves in similar ways to yours OP, but he is not a controlling abuser. As a child he was regularly beaten by his mother and stepfather and as a consequence he can, when tired or stressed, go on the (verbal) 'attack'. He struggles with asking for help and finds it difficult to express emotions other than anger. This means when he is actually scared, he behaves angry - when he is tired, he behaves irritably. This is his coping mechanism and I prefer this to alcohol/drugs/gambling/womanising. I know he loves me deeply and completely but he can be a real arse to live with! Knowing why he is like this does help me cope.

You know what, im starting to think this site is full of extreme men-hating feminists. you're all totally biased.

It goes like this - If your partner is aggressive, shouty and generally being a prick he's a manipulating abuser.

If the woman is behaving in the same way she's having a hard time and probably because her husband is a lazy prick...can't wait until lazy is next on the list of abusive characteristics. possibly something along the lines of 'manipulating you into feeling worthless by never picking up his socks' etc.

This is almost certainly the case with most of the relationships on here. that is not to say that there aren't some situations, probably alot, where there is actual, genuine abuse occurring and the woman must leave but come on alot of these men aren't monsters who are actively trying to destroy you they're just fuck-wits. that's not to say that fuck-wittery should be tolerated, by all means leave him if he's an arse but for god's sake don't be so melodramatic.

I would just love to see an even response once in a while instead of 'hang the abusing bastard by his scrotum!!' Its like a fucking witch hunt. who's next in line to have their husband judged abusive?

Saying you've been in a bona fide abusive relationships doesn't negate the point im making.

Firstly, any woman who says she's not a feminist is a chump..

Secondly, why is being a feminist a bad thing and automatically negative and "man hating"?

I love men. I love my man, I love other men.. men are great. PEOPLE who behave like arseholes to their partners - no, I don't like them.

Thirdly, this guy IS being a prick and needs to sort his behaviour out.. whether it could be termed as abuse is not the point, if the OP is unhappy, something needs to change.

"If your partner is aggressive, shouty and generally being a prick he's a manipulating abuser"

Well, if ANYONE is aggressive, shouty and being a prick their behaviour IS abusive. Doesn't matter if you want to give that person a label or not that is how they're behaving.

abusive or not truth is i am unhappy and need a change. i think last few months have been hard as have been a sahm and when am not at work tend to have less confidence anyway. a lot of self worth comes with working for me anyway and for some reason in those times when i am feeling stronger he tends to treat me better.

i would prefer to work it out if possible. as he did used to be normal but dont know if its all gone too far now.

i liked the treat him like a toddler advice ignoring bad praising good etc. looks like i now have 3 children.

how else can i build confidence are there any books or courses? (and yes i know if we were apart then i would probably get stronger without all the bad mouthing) but still want to try for now.

thanks for the helpful advice

Maybe I missed something but Clarry, I can't see that anyone's said OP's OH is an abuser.

I'm impressed with all the disengaging and general grown-upness lupo and others have demonstrated on this thread.

I'm old and a lone parent. I wish I'd given a few past relationships an earlier deadline. Give it your best shot, give it a time limit, and if it ain't working, fuck off

I said it, and I bloody meant it.

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is often cited in these situations. I'm lucky, I haven't had to read it, but I gather it is very good.

Good luck all of you. You wouldn't put up iwth that sort of treatment from anyone else would you?

Fair do's pictish (like your posts too if I remember rightly)

ok latest, am really at end of my tether.

so today he has a day off. all i said was that sometimes could he not turn heating on in morning. i get really hot. now i have turned my room radiator off and yes him and ds are up first as i bf dd then get up but sometimes i just suggested if its not as cold not to turn it on.

he went mental saying i am ridiculous stupid etc etc i just walked away tried to ignore. he slammed doors couple of times again ignored. then little while later tried to say u didnt have to have a tantrum i was just saying my feelings.

then i got get away from me or i will smash your facxe in. charming. i said theres no need for that. then walked away. then heard him muttering where are you i was about to make a coffee then he said i am sick of you you are making me angry then grabbed my mugchucked it all over floor.

then i said we have to talk about this and i giot stay away from me and i am off this week so i am going to make your life hell.

i know this needs to stop eithe by me leaving or what i dont know butr am sick of it

he has just come from getting ds have to go will try and get on later

Oh love. If he's intimidating you, he needs to leave.

Phone the police. Seriously, phone the police. Make sure you have them on emergency dial on your phone and keep it on you at all times, at all times. Please.

One book that is a MUST is Power and Control by Sandra Horley, she is the president of the woman's abuse charity, can't remember what it's called ( baby brain sorry ).
It talks about how charming men make dangerous lovers, alienate you from friends, make themselves look good in front of everyone else and then slowly make you think you're going mad. I've been there and that book made me realise it wasn't me.
Just read bits of it and you will identify lots of similar situations.
Good luck. Oh and I know that it's very hard to separate from someone like that they have a kind of control over you.

So sorry to read what you posted earlier. It sounds awful, and a lot like similar scenes I've had.. has he calmed down? The "make your life hell" bit is particularly worrying. Hope you are ok.

Jeez - who said he wasn't an abuser? Has he been like this before or has he really ramped this up?

OP I know you said you wanted to work things out but seriously you can't work things out with him.

Please phone Women's Aid or the police as soon as you get a chance.