sick of dh always stressed, dont know if his behaviour is normal? cant be all due to me, or is it?

[yummytummy]

am so so fed up. havent had the best relationship lately. its just whenever there is a disagreement i feel like he always overreacts in proportion to what its about. like he will just start shouting really loudly rather than discuss things or slam doors or go off.

and its always my fault. even if i think about it after and cant find anything so bad that i have done for that amount of anger. he will always twist the argument in such a way that i cant say anything back and get all confused and just back down. so frustrating as i know sometimes i am in the right.

then i will get slagged off and he will bring up my relationship with my mum which isnt great and say its obviously me.

also i bring out the worst in him and i say no because the worst is already there but apparantly it wasnt at the beginning but as i make him so angry the frustration has built up and i have made it be there.

aargh feel as if i am going mad sometimes as it is always made out as my fault and i can never talk about my feelings.

feels as if this pattern has been set and he always says such nasty things about me. didnt used to be like this he was normal at the start and can be ok in the middle.

just dont know what to do does anyone have advice? i dont want to leave would prefer to work it out somehow also cos of the kids.

please help feel so low and desperate.

Poor you, you sound utterly exhausted!

What has he to be stressed about? because from your post the only thing that comes to mind, is that he's a bully.

oh usual long hours at work, work pressure. does it sound like bullying?

please read your post. I can't think what's to like about being in a relationship with this man.

Yes he's a bully.
He twists things round so he can make them your fault so he can then enjoy a good old shout at you. The fucker.

Not much fun for you OP. xxx

By the way - what you are experiencing is known as emotional abuse.

He is not abusive to you because he is angry. He is angry towards you, because he is abusive.

I'm so sorry OP. I've been where you are, and it's bloody terrible. You have my sympathy.

is there anything i can do to improve it? even though its awful keep hoping he will change. but it does seem to be escalating. am so annoyed as he always makes out its all me.

No. You cannot make him change or get better. All you have in your power to do, is decide, and stay firm, on what YOU will and will not tolerate, and then stick to it. If he cannot behave in a manner that meets your expectations and conditions, then the relationship has to end.

There's no need to stay in a relationship where you are being disrespected and biullied to sate someone else's desire to control. It's not a normal relationship where you learn to compromise....it's a case of putting up with his shit, or (I hope for your sake) not.

but how do i not tolerate it iykwim? dont want to but hate tense atmosphere as then i cant sleep and i need the sleep as am up with dd in night. so i just back down.

but yt - what's in it for you?

A relationship is a two-way thing.

Think how much you would have to dislike someone to treat them as your dh does you. This is how he must feel about you. Either that, or he is depressed and needs to get help.

You say
"I'm not putting up with any more of this shit you abusive arsehole. Either sort your shit out, or come home to the locks changed and your stuff in black bags on the doorstep"
Then do it.

Sorry - that sounds blunt and flat as hell doesn't it? It has to be. There's no way you're going to get through to him by reasoning with him. He will refute everything you are saying and make out it's all you by cleverly twisting logic round to suit him...or he will admit he is in the wrong, apologise and behave for x amount of time, before slipping right back into it again so you're right back where you started.

I am still married to my abuser. Unlike the vast majority of them, he was able to turn himself around by accepting full responsibility for his own behaviour and utilising the proffessional help he was offered to sort his deep psychological problems out. He is a rarity. Most do not do this...most simply become more intense and controlling.

I walked out with my three kids and stayed in a Women's Aid refuge with NO intention of going back to the wanker.
I did in the end, but only after a LOT of hard work on his part. I have been back for nearly a year with no repeat performances.

As I say - that's extremely rare.

Ask him tonight, "Do you love me?"

You poor thing. 'Stress' is often used as an excuse for abuse.

My ex was like this and he definitely got worse after having a child - he wasn't horrid when we first got together. I used to try and explain to him that he was acting like I'd slept with his best friend in front of him or murdered his mother or something - not like he didn't agree with my wish to recycle paper (or something equally ridiculous). Wasting my breath of course because he wanted to make a big deal and would find any excuse to do so.

You can't change him, only he can do that. But you can change the way you react to him.

I found the easiest way to deal with my ex (and we lived together for a year after we had separated - long story but very stressful!) was to detach - try not to get involved in arguments, don't justify yourself to him (you don't need to prove anything to him), don't react when he tries to upset you. By the end I felt like a laboratory researcher and would observe him dispassionately while he was ranting and raving and just think to myself how interesting it was that he was behaving like that.

But really the easiest way to deal with it was to leave him!

My dh was exactly as you dexcribe yours btw. Textbook.

Oh god...not ANOTHER one.

Check the links at the top of relationships, and check the emotional abuse support thread and the links at the top there.

You need to inform yourself first. You need to understand that HE has massive problems, and you can't help him...only he can, and that's if he even gets that far.

I'm sorry...it's shit.

Btw - if my dh so much as has another single incident of abusive behaviour towards me, he is out on his arse for good. No messing.

You have got to be tough and you have got to mean it. No. Fucking. More.

malinkey, yes thats exactly how he acts as if i have murdered someone. its so shit but kind of helps to know there are others like this and it really isnt me.

its so hard to be tough like that as he says such awful things cant help but cry. am also worried as he is vey manipulative and knows how to talk to people. both sets of parents think the sun shines out of his arse and when i have mentioned things he has done they havent really believed me as he acts so nicely with others as of course i bring it out in him. they would think it was all my fault as usual for splitting up the family.

things i have told them and nobody has ever said oh thats wrong he shouldnt have done/said that. he has never been held to account for it. just gets away with it mainly as i walk away or disengage as kids get upset when he screams at me.

OP, stress is never an excuse. My DH has had a majorly shit year - colleague off long term sick leaving him to pick up all the work with no help, his much-loved mum (my lovely MIL) died - it was horrible. He was stressed.

As soon as he realised he was taking it home with him, he spoke to me about working out ways of dealing with it so that he wasn't taking it out on me and the DDs. It was bloody hard work, but it got done. That's how it should be. Your OH is using his so-called stress as a way of abusing you and you deserve better.

Oh dear. He sounds like my DP, have wanted to post about this for a long time and never have time or energy to do so, but doing a lot of lurking.

The "always my fault" thing sounds so familiar. I tend to forget what he says very quickly and it all gets really muddled up in my mind after the event so it's hard to then pinpoint what exactly goes on.
Do you get that too?

My DP is very a "up and down" person generally, can be very good humoured and is extremely helpful at home - better at doing housework etc than me - but always on his terms.
Other times he criticises me about everything, undermines me and my self confidence and controls/ monitors pretty much everything I do, from how I do the laundry to who I get text messages from etc, is very very jealous and paranoid, and he gets very angry and flares up at the stupidest things. I get called an idiot, obtuse, cunning (stupid and sly at the same time, how does that work?!), cold blooded, incapable of dealing with 19mo DD, he tells me to "shut up" a lot and stop "breaking his balls" etc - when this started I found it quite shocking how he talked to me, but now I've come to expect it.

sometimes he'll apologise after I've made it clear how upset I am, and say he loves me.

Or other times he just tells me to stop "going on" about stuff and being so negative all the time. Like it's my fault our relationship has turned to crap.

He can't understand the impact of his behaviour - or why I am generally not interested in sleeping with him any more. He pressurises me for more sex the whole time, in fact.

I'm quite good at arguing back and defending myself so get labelled as a nag and "hysterical". Sometimes he says I'm mad and he should record stuff I say because nobody would believe it... But the things he says about me are often descriptions of his own behaviour, it's ridiculous!

At one point recently he mentioned he was probably depressed after birth of DD (often depressed men express it through anger), and I know he is under tremendous financial stress and a crushing sense of responsibility towards her (he's paranoid about something happening to her and as I have a pretty healthy attitude towards her - ie. not scared all the time of bad things happening - he makes me out to be a rather uncaring, sloppy mother), but that's no excuse.
I'm sure even if he had no work or money worries he'd find other reasons.

He's nice as pie to everyone else to their faces, of course, bar the occasional angry argument, and takes special care to butter up my brothers and seem like the fundamentally good bloke and good father which he is...just an asshole to me a lot of the time.
I'm thinking of leaving him but my options are really narrow at the moment for financial reasons and he has always threatened to fight for custody. :(

Sorry to hijack your thread yummytummy, really I just wanted to say, you're not alone in this.
Anyway, good luck, we all deserve better. xx

Three words:

Read this book

Everything they do is in there, I promise you.

You say that you would like to work it out for your kids, but your kids are being damaged by him too. They "get upset when he screams at me" so they are witnessing his treatment of you. It is entirely likely that he will direct his behaviour towards them as they get older, but even if he doesn't, do you really want them growing up in this environment?

read the book above.
and yes it is damaging for teh DC to stay with him.
if he is streessed/depressed etc - well he should be seeking help from GP -that si teh only suggestion you could make.

but as it is you who makes him angry - well the only answer really is for you to separate. and dont lsiten to him saying that you need to change... unless of course you are doing the same to him?

the DC will be much happier without him there day to day belittling you etc i can assure you.

Time for a reality check for the mumsnetters.

Its not your fault if he's a pissy, aggressive knob...it is ALWAYS his choice how he responds.

However - that does not mean he IS an abusive partner. i think we've all seen sleeping with the enemy too many times. Most 'abusive' partners are not calculating, sinister control freaks they're just emotionally retarded men.

His behaviour may well come across as controlling and it is certainly over the top and aggressive but that is a far cry from him actually planning it out and attempting to control you. He's just being an arse. think back to when we were kids - it doesn't matter who is actually at fault aslong as its not me and the other person gets told off etc etc. underneath it all we're all little kids who don't want to get told off.

However, doesn't mean you should put up with it and there isn't really any advice other than be firm and consistent - NOT shouty back. just imagine you're disciplining a stropping child.

You do have confidence issues and his childish (i won't say abusive) behaviour has got the better of you. get some time away to firm up your own mind so you're in a better position to be strong for him and you next time he throws a wobbly.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with ClarryKitten - pissy, aggressive behaviour IS abusive. But I agree with the tip to treat him like a toddler - imagine him as a stroppy three year old having a tantrum and treat him accordingly.

I've never watched Sleeping with the Enemy.

I have, however, lived with an abusive arse.

Annie :)
I've seen the film but that's an extreme case of a controlling monster and I'd never compare my DP to him.
It's not always that black and white. I don't think these men behave like this in a calculating, evil, planned way. They just can't control their worst instincts, are naturally manipulative, are used to blaming others for their own problems and are probably too egocentric to see what they're doing to their partners.