After the affair..

[Trustallgone]

Hello...This is my first post (although I've been lurking for a while) and I'm not sure what I'm expecting from you all, but I just need some advice/reassurance (miracle??)..something...

I found out my H had a short lived affair (4 weeks) 2 months ago and after initially throwing him out, decided to give it another go after, a) he was utterly sorry at his actions and has been very honest with details (perhaps too much too soon as I now can't them out of my head) and has cut all contact with OW, deleted her from FB and mobile etc etc. b) School called us to discuss DC behaviour, during the time of the affair and following he has become very emotional, clingy and isolating himself. Apparently worried about doing things wrong and crying hysterically when he does. School have been very understanding and are providing TLC when required, so I felt we needed to get some stability back at home asap and c) we are going to marriage counselling.
The thing is I am not sure what I should be feeling...right now I feel totally numb - I've done anger and I've done pain. About 2-3 weeks in I was able to hug, infact I wanted them and kiss but now I can't stand it. We have had sex once about 2 weeks ago, and thats all it was, there was nothing loving or affectionate about it at all and afterwards I felt disgusted with myself. Since then I freeze when H goes to touch me, even if its just a quick peck on the cheek. He is obviously aware of how I'm feeling (although we havn't discussed it) and is being very understanding, asking if I want a hug or if he can give me one (hug that is :)) We have started going on "Dates" again, as we had been neglecting "us time" and have had lovely nights out but when we get back home, it all comes flooding back and I honestly feel I hate him. I know I don't, I can't bare the thought of us not being together but I also can't bare the thought of him touching me, in any shape or form. I have been reading about hysterical bonding and am panicking that I don't feel like this, apparently we should be at it like rabbits. I am frightened that I am pushing him away, pushing him to someone else. I don't want to feel like this, I want to be close to my husband and feel loved. Right now I feel so damned lonely and I hate it.

Has anyone else been through this..how did you manage..did you get it back on track..any advice for me...please..
Thank you.

The worst thing is not knowing. He clearly does love you because he had the bottle to tell you the truth. If nothing like this has ever happened before, then you should at least try to forgive him. Once is a mistake, twice is complete stupidity and three times is just taking the pee. I have seperated from my husband now, but not because he cheated( although he did, 3 times). I managed to forgive him and we went on to have a beautiful son together, he has just changed over time and became very abusive, but we were happy again. I went through the want to smash everything stage, the crying etc. Then comes acceptance. We all make mistakes. At least he faced the music, my husband sent me a text when i went to see my mum in london for a fortnight telling me what he'd done, so at least he has shown you some respect and you didnt find out from anyone else. Good luck to both of you, x

Thanks for replying Ellen. To be honest I am struggling with the whole "mistake and only human" excuse - we are addressing this at counselling at the moment and that things cannot be looked at as purely black and white. To me its quite simple, he broke his promise to me and hurt me beyond hurt. How I am supposed to get "over" that I'm not sure, but people clearly do, yourself included.

I am not sure why I posted this evening, I think I am fed up with feeling sad and lonely and was looking for some magic words of wisdom. I want to be able to want my H again without feeling disgust or betrayed. I wanted to know that that will happen. I think what I really needed to hear (and I am being needy I know!)is that my feelings are quite normal and everyone who has had this happen to them goes through this. As I said in my OP all I keep reading about is examples of hystrical bonding and I'm frightend that as I don't feel like this, it means I've made a huge mistake in letting him back in my life.

My husband had a one night stand while I was pregnant. He was completely drunk and said it was a big mistake. It's now 3 months since I found out.

After spending a lot of time crying, getting angry at him and not knowing what to do, we are getting our relationship back. It's not easy.

I spent so many days asking him every detail about what happened, what he remembered. I went through a phase of needing to sleep with him every day to make myself feel like he needed me.

I haven't forgiven him yet. But I have drawn a line under it. I know him and have to trust what he has been like through out our marriage. Is not easy. Ive gone from thinking about it all day to some moments in the day. I still recoil sometimes when he touches me, I get upset sometimes. But it's taking one day at a time.

'Hysterical bonding' is what it says on the tin - 'hysterical' and usually motivated by an almost primitive need for reassurance that the ow has not sexually supplanted the wronged wife.

Your present reaction of disgust is entirely natural - it's understandable that the thought of him with another woman should make you feel disgusted, but there is no reason why you should direct this disgust at yourself.

It could be that you are feeling numb with delayed shock and/or with grief that he so casually and callously betrayed your trust and this may, or may not, give way to more feelings of anger and outrage at his behaviour.

Two months after his confession is early days and you're best advised to acknowledge that whatever feelings you have about his affair are valid; they exist and they may take some considerable time to dissipate.

As for worrying that you may be pushing him into the arms of the same or yet another OW, if he is unable or unwilling to understand the various ramifications of his adultery and the extent to which he has hurt you, and if his response is to seeks solace elsewhere, frankly, you are better off without him.

Given time, you may come to reach some accomodation with your feelings but you may never be able to fully forgive or forget what he's done and, to that extent at least, he will have forever tarnished your hitherto blind faith in him.

Go easy on yourself and take it one step at a time. Perhaps you can explore your various feelings/responses either through your joint counselling sessions or alone with a trained therapist?

Thanks for your replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone with these feelings (it does help having someone share in my misery!!). Last night I was feeling very sorry for myself and when it hits like that, I can't see us ever getting back to any sense of normality and I end up going down the "poor me" line of thinking. Bit more upbeat today and Izzy your post was very helpful, in that on good days this is what I know kind of thing..if that make sense :) I have decided to go for Individual therapy to deal with MY feelings surrounding the affair as I feel I am going to struggle with Moving On, and may punish me to punish him. Thanks again and sorry if I came across as pity me, I have re-read my post this morning and kicked myself up the backside :)

I don't recommend it as a permanent look but IMO there's nothing wrong with a good wallow now and again when life or a lying dick led twunt has treated us harshly.

A mere couple of months ago your world came crashing down around your ears and, unfortunately, you can't rebuild it overnight,or make like it didn't happen.

It may take some considerable time before your feelings stabilise during which time you may discover yourself in the grip of emotions that seem almost alien to you.

Many others have found their marriages have become stronger after the crucible of adultery, but that's no reason to beat yourself up if yours goes to the wall.

FTR the only backside that needs kicking is his; punish him by all means but please don't fall into the trap of punishing yourself for his sins.

I have to agree, dont punish yourself, it was his mistake and not yours. All to often the woman gets the blame for the man cheating. When it was their mistake. And maybe what you really need is for someone to come and give you a hug, have a good cry together and be told that everything will be okay, because it will, one way or other you will be okay. Time is the greatest healer, and it will get easier. I no longer think about what my husband done to me, but it did take me a very long time to get over it, not helped by the fact he was using sex lines while making out that everything was fine after i found out. Having others to talk to in the same position does help though. And you have every right to feel exactly as you do, they are only natural feelings and he has betrayed you, but he obviously loves you enough to tell you and not to let you find out from someone else or in some other way. I wish you all the best with your marriage and children, just hold on in there and it will get better. x

Don't be hard on yourself. Its early days and you have every right to have down days. I found out about my husband's cheating 2 wks ago and I'm still in complete limbo about what to do, a situation complicated by being 3 months pregnant with our third child.

We went away this weekend and did the hysterical bonding thing but as soon as we got back home, just like you, it all came flooding back again and I'm back to hating him for hurting me so much.

I too am pushing my husband away again now, I think it's because I don't want him to think he can worm his way back in so easily and I actually regret sleeping with him again when we went away.

I'm having a down day today. When my husband noticed this he seemed quite exasperated and said "I thought we were passed all this".

He's going away again for work and part of me is wishing he doesn't bother coming back.

Thanks again for the replies, it does help me.
mcBuckers, its sht isn't it? I don't think anyone who has not been through it has any idea of the intensity of your emotions. I certainly have never been so angry or hurt at any time. I have listened and supported a friend through the break down of her marriage last year but I never really understood just how painful it is, Its not only the fact that your other Half, (the supposedly love of your life) has had sex with another woman, but also the lies/deceit and paranoia that goes with it..horrible,just horrible. I too am pushing my husband away again now, I think it's because I don't want him to think he can worm his way back in so easily this is bang on for me...I want him to hurt as much as I am and not think this is something he can make better with a simple "sorry, won't happen again". He's going away again for work and part of me is wishing he doesn't bother coming back.* and this I get completely..it would make the decision so much easier wouldn't it!!! I resent the fact that I am having to work very very hard to make my marraige work..he didn't, his answer to the problem was to go out and shag a neighbour...makes me wonder what I'm fighting for to be honest.
Un Fortunately we are not alone, Chin up chick..we will get there (one way or another):)

I agree the trauma of discovery of an affair is truly awful, not only emotionally but also I felt like I had been physically attacked or even run over by a train.

If you want to do some reading, I would get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends which came highly recommended on here.

Trustallgone - I am concerned when you say you are doing the work. Your H should be doing ALL the fighting to win you back and working his socks off to help you both recover. I am afraid that if he is not prepared to do the work then your marriage is over

Like MadAboutHotChoc I'd definitely recommend Shirley Glass's book 'Not Just Friends'. You might get your husband to read it too. It will help you understand your feelings and sort out how to move forward.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I have ordered it from amazon this morning. I have been reading Andrew Marshalls' "How can I ever trust you again?", but I have noticed from other threads that the Shirley Glass book gets mentioned alot on here..so will give it a try.

Had a terrible night last night, I don't seem to be able to let it go..I keep picking at it - hoping it will unravel and all go away perhaps? I told my H that I didn't think I loved him anymore and he got upset at first, but then came back at me..telling me he wasn't going to put in the effort if I was going to end it at a later date. I can see my H losing patience with me before much longer and calling quits before I've have a chance to get my feelings into any sense of order... He is trying hard to understand how hurt I am and how it is for me, but I think that for him because he has said he's sorry, he is going to counselling and admits its the worst mistake of his life, I should be able to let go. I DO believe the affair is all over, I have spoken to both the OW and her H. Don't know whether that was the right thing to do..but I've done it now! And my H is adament he wants nothing more to do with her. He said it was all about sex, nothing more nothing less, our marriage wasn't good (and it wasn't I had let it all become very stale and boring) and she was there flattering him and making him feel good. I'd stopped doing that. I should of seen it coming really....
Madbout Working his socks off how..what should he be doing? I don't trust my judgement anymore, perhaps he is doing all that and I'm just not seeing it or prepared to see at the moment.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, I appreciate it :)

I don't want to worry you, but I can virtually guarantee that your husband will have other affairs if you carry on with this mindset that you caused this to happen, or if your wretched husband continues to get impatient with you about your pain and loss.

This isn't your fault. Your husband was just as responsible for your marriage becoming 'stale and boring' but instead of seeking ways to remedy the situation, he had an affair. And if you're going to come back and say that he complained about your relationship after he met this woman, it doesn't count because he was only doing so to convince himself that he was entitled to have sex elsewhere.

Your marriage could have been perfect and your husband might still have had an affair, because affairs are often more about opportunity than a cry for help from a poor ickle man trapped in a loveless marriage.

Stop thinking that you are being unreasonable for feeling this way and stop thinking that you'd better ship up as a wife or he'll do it again. This is more about your husband's inability to look a gift horse in the mouth than anything to do with you, or your marriage. That opportunism in your husband needs to change and only he can do it.

Don't be frightened of asking for a separation until he 'gets this' and realises the truth. Don't feel that you 'have to' get over this, either quickly or indeed at all. You might not be able to - and I'm damned sure you won't, all the while you are beating yourself up for someone else's behaviour and your husband is letting you do that to yourself.

I'd agree with that. I put a lot of effort into rekindling the relationship, being even more attentive, sexing up and being generally lovely to my hubby after he had an affair....and he thoroughly enjoyed having his cake and eating it!
The warning from me in what you write is that he might be still 'blaming' the OW. She doesn't have any commitment to you and you don't need to expect anything from her. But you do from your husband. He is blaming you too by saying your marriage was boring. Keep going with Not Just Friends - I hope you find it helps you put some perspective on the situation and to understand the respective roles. It talks about all parties - the betrayer, the betrayed and the other person.

I so feel for you. My DH and I had major bust up in March 2009 (not affair but in that territory) and we are still getting over it.

I think your OP shows a kind of longing that things should be the way they were before, but also an impatience with yourself that you can't get over it. You are not giving yourself enough time. You have a lot of feelings to deal with -- shock, anger, disappointment, jealousy, resentment, feeling hard done by, huge dent in confidence etc. Be kinder to yourself. You may not feel you love him any more but really who can tell with all those other feelings swirling around. And you may not love him the way you used to ever again, but hopefully you will love him in a different way. People have affairs (DWs and DHs) and they do not have to mean the end of the marriage, although clearly in some cases it does. But they do need time to get over. Did you say you are seeing a counsellor or just him? If you are not I would really consider it.

Good post Sternface - what I mean by working his socks off are:

*Taking FULL responsibility for the affair - it was his choice and character flaws that led him to behave in this way. You are only 50% responsible for the marriage and not for the affair.

• Not losing patience with you - it can take months and months to get over the trauma, you can't be forced to move on too quickly
• Full transparency and full access to his emails/mobile etc
• Willingness to answer questions and discuss the affair instead of brushing things under the carpet and pretending it never happened
• Read books/attend counselling
• It would be very useful for you both to read Not Just friends and look at the vulnerabilities in his character, work/social environment and relationship.

One of the things to understand is that an affair isn't a mistake, it's a choice. Unless your marriage vows were different to everybody else's, he made a promise to you to be faithful and then chose to break that promise. He must also have chosen to lie to you at various points, if only by omission.

I think you should trust your feelings rather than trying to find reasons they are wrong. If you were welcoming back after the way he's betrayed and hurt you, that would be the odd thing. Your disgust and anger are reasonable responses.

It's difficult to accept that you are not more or less 50:50 to blame because in most disagreements you will be used to taking at least some responsibility. You have to let him take responsibility for this one though. Like TBaL wrote, it was his choice. You could have taken a similar choice at some point but you didn't. You can maybe forgive this, but not until he is willing to say he was fully in the wrong and he will make amends. I'd be wanting to know what assurances he can give you that it won't happen again too and what is going to be different from now on.

Assurances are not good enough unless the person understands why he chosen to have an affair and what allowed him to behave in this way. Its actions, not words that you need to be looking at.

Just wanted to see how you are doing.

At a time where I should be happy to be pregnant, I'm hating the change my body is going through. The fact that I am getting bigger and maybe unattractive. I hate the pain my H is putting me through.

I hate that he has been with someone else.

Sorry, have just typed a huge reply and it hasn't posted it..agghh it took me ages. I'll try again later. :(

Ducati I'm in a similar position to you I think and am struggling to cope with my anger, lack of trust etc, but DH says he didn't actually do anything, was just foolish (under sufferance) but the deception still feels just as bad. Could you pm me and have a chat with me please as most responses on here might be harsh enough to fuel my anger to an irrational level.

Trustallgone, Redvelvet et al, sorry you are having to go through this, I've been through it before with my ex and it hurts like hell. I think if your Dh is contrite and willing to make ammends then it can go someway towards healing the pain. Openess and honesty is what will help. I'm waiting for the delivery of the Shirley Glass book, hopefull it will be as good as is recommended.

Second try, first time round read so much better than this, but never mind. :)

Sorry for the late response, not had computer access this weekend. Thank you all so much for your replies, as I've said before, it does help not to feel so alone with all this. I've now got "Not just Friends", thank you (again!) for recommending it, it is very informative and I am particularly liking the ?Walls and Windows" chapter about boundaries and vulnerabilities in the marriage, bit of an eye opener as to how easy it is to set your self on that slippery slope to no good. I also would advice anyone going through this to get the book ASAP, it is a "fairly" easy read . My H I?m pleased to say is reading it along with me and this has led to some painful but much needed discussion this weekend.

I hope I have not come across as weak and pathetic, I think I probably have from Sternface's very stern post :) I totally agree with your post and it's advice. However, our marriage had became stale and boring, it was not fun. I have to accept some responsibility for that don?t I? If I had made more of an effort, instead of being tired, or uninterested in him, maybe it wouldn?t of happened. He was feeling unloved and lonely and that?s a wrong on my part. His wrong was choosing not to tell me this, to allow me to believe all was fine. I know I am not at fault for H choosing to have an affair, he had a choice and he made that choice. I also know it's up to me as to whether I let us as a couple move on from that choice. I Know this but I am finding it hard, I don't want to have to be dealing with it, I don?t want to have that choice? wish I never knew, that I could block it all out, and not have to deal with it, but I can't and I do have to deal with it. By it I mean the decision as to whether to stay in my marriage, to trust and believe in Him again, to let myself love him. I never ever thought my H would do this to us. I?m terrified that if I let him back in, he will do it again...."weak is as weak does" isn't that what they say or worst still "once a cheat always a cheat"' . I?d lose all sanity if I had to deal with this again.

Madabout Thank you for sharing. It made me see that actually my H has been trying and that I?m not seeing it or being very fair about it, deliberately putting up walls. He is pretty much doing or has done all that you list in your post, Other than being willing to talk about it. When I first found out, we discussed it all, he was very honest (?) in what he told me, but as the weeks have gone on he has become more and more impatient with it. - He admitted this weekend that he felt I was doing it to punish him, as it makes him feel guilty and hurt to realise what he has lost? my complete love for him and trust he recognises has gone forever. He says it hurts him knowing that it is him that has caused me so much pain. He is frightened that if we keep going over it, I may change my mind and tell him to go. He has always maintained that the affair had nothing to do with me/us, he simply thought he could get away with it and I?d never have to find out. He says it had come to its end, he realised what he had to loose. Unfortunately, I?ll never know whether that is true or not as I found the evidence. I?m not wanting to talk about it to punish him although I do wish I could hurt him as much as he's hurt me, just so he'd know how gut-wrenchingly awful it is. I feel we need to talk about it so we know and understand what our vulnerabilities in our marriage are and how our behaviours can be perceived by others. Plus we have a habit of shoving things under the carpet and not resolving things., this must not be one of those things!!

Ducati You are right, I do desperately just want things back the way they were. They are never going to be and I have to get realistic about that. Your post was very calming. Thank you.

red Thank you for checking in. (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you too are going through this and especially at this time for you. You should be enjoying your pregnancy and not having to deal with this. I hate that he has been with someone else. This made me cry - all these words and this says it all. Me too :(

Hi OP. Good to see your update.

My post the other day was to get you to challenge your thinking. I understand why you think the way you do, but the contradictions are still there in your most recent post:

He has always maintained that the affair had nothing to do with me/us, he simply thought he could get away with it and I?d never have to find out.

Yet you write that:

If I had made more of an effort, instead of being tired, or uninterested in him, maybe it wouldn?t of happened. He was feeling unloved and lonely and that?s a wrong on my part.

Why? He doesn't seem to be using that as an excuse and it seems to me he's telling the truth. A lot of affairs are as he says - nothing to do with what's happening at home and just an adventure into unknown territory.

Stop thinking you could have done a single thing to prevent this. You couldn't. You won't be able to in the future either. It's absolutely not in your control. apart from what you do with your own vows.

Finally, most couples find that they are still talking and learning years on from an affair, so he's also got to change his thinking. To expect you to bury this after 2 months is naive and utimately, foolish. There's no way he has learnt all he needs to after 2 months. There will still be behavioural traits quite firmly ingrained, that need to change.

Be realistic about this and stop attaching your own beliefs about why this happened, when your husband is actually telling you something different.