After the affair..

[Trustallgone]

Hello...This is my first post (although I've been lurking for a while) and I'm not sure what I'm expecting from you all, but I just need some advice/reassurance (miracle??)..something...

I found out my H had a short lived affair (4 weeks) 2 months ago and after initially throwing him out, decided to give it another go after, a) he was utterly sorry at his actions and has been very honest with details (perhaps too much too soon as I now can't them out of my head) and has cut all contact with OW, deleted her from FB and mobile etc etc. b) School called us to discuss DC behaviour, during the time of the affair and following he has become very emotional, clingy and isolating himself. Apparently worried about doing things wrong and crying hysterically when he does. School have been very understanding and are providing TLC when required, so I felt we needed to get some stability back at home asap and c) we are going to marriage counselling.
The thing is I am not sure what I should be feeling...right now I feel totally numb - I've done anger and I've done pain. About 2-3 weeks in I was able to hug, infact I wanted them and kiss but now I can't stand it. We have had sex once about 2 weeks ago, and thats all it was, there was nothing loving or affectionate about it at all and afterwards I felt disgusted with myself. Since then I freeze when H goes to touch me, even if its just a quick peck on the cheek. He is obviously aware of how I'm feeling (although we havn't discussed it) and is being very understanding, asking if I want a hug or if he can give me one (hug that is :)) We have started going on "Dates" again, as we had been neglecting "us time" and have had lovely nights out but when we get back home, it all comes flooding back and I honestly feel I hate him. I know I don't, I can't bare the thought of us not being together but I also can't bare the thought of him touching me, in any shape or form. I have been reading about hysterical bonding and am panicking that I don't feel like this, apparently we should be at it like rabbits. I am frightened that I am pushing him away, pushing him to someone else. I don't want to feel like this, I want to be close to my husband and feel loved. Right now I feel so damned lonely and I hate it.

Has anyone else been through this..how did you manage..did you get it back on track..any advice for me...please..
Thank you.

Redvelvet, you need to do something that will make you feel good for yourself - I personally hated being pregnant and never "bloomed" so I understand how you feel. I also get the awful feeling you get after the affair, what did OW have that I don't etc, etc. I felt it especially as OW was a right minger (for won't of a better word), was very chavvy, smoked - in fact she was everything I wasn't . It took me a long time to get my head around the fact that his choice of OW was not about me, it was about him, his issues, his self esteem etc.

One tip I found extremely useful to build self esteem and put some joy in your life is to do something you loved doing as a child (may not be possible is you are heavily pregnant), something that made you really happy and took you out of yourself etc. For me it was horseriding, I started taking lessons again after 4DC and a 20 yr break, it was the best thing I ever did. It was something just for me, got me out of the house, something where I was achieving something for no other reason than it gave me pleasure IYSWIM. Got so into again that I bought a horse in March this year and now DH and DC (and the housework take a complete backseat to the horse .

Have a good think about, make it a goal to take up that long forgotton hobby in the new year (your DH must look after the baby/DC etc to give you this much needed space and time for yourself).

In the meantime, new haircut, manicure, spa day, new clothes will help you feel better on the outside.

Good luck.

The OW in my case was several years older than me, chavvy and a large lady - to begin with, that was a bit of a head fuck for me but it just underlined the fact that the affair was about my H's self esteem and need for attention.

Like others on here, I did things to boost my self esteem - surrounding myself with interesting/fun/supportive friends, buying new clothes, indulging in beauty treatments (mostly at home) etc.

Being intimate came easily to me - but then I am not pregnant or have babies/toddlers to look after so I would think about building in more me time as I think being tired is a real passion killer.

I'm finding sex very difficult too Red and I'm not pregnant. I have gone from a size 16 to a size 12 during this crap time (every cloud and all that) so should in theory be feeling really good about myself!! I'm not and honestly can't bare the thought of him touching me after being with someone else. This was the reason for my OP and I still have not managed to win over this demon. I have arranged through work some individual counselling which is to start in the New Year, hopefully this will help, as I miss my husband and being close with him. I still want him but I freeze when we go further than kissing, I can't seem to let myself go and she pops into my head. Because I demanded all the gory details (I now wish I hadn't) I know how they did it, what they did and thats going to take some getting over. My husband and I were "college sweethearts" and we had both only been with each other, this was something we were both proud of (if thats the right word) it made us..us..it made us special (to each other) and now thats gone. Thats a huge thing for me..I can't just pretend that she's another notch on his bedpost, he didn't have a bloody bedpost for notches :(
Counselling is going well, I'm very up and down but think this is how it will be for some time. I'm very down at the moment, a post on here has given me nightmares, I wish I had not read it but now I can't stay away from it.....the info in it is very similar to our situation and although I know the likelyhood of her being his OW is less to zero I can't help but fear it is. It fills me with such anger that these women think its ok to fuck someone elses husband, I know, I KNOW that she has not broken any wedding vows, I know my anger should be directed soley towards my H but dear god I would never dream of touching someone else's man....the hurt it causes, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

How is counseling going trustallgone? I'm toying with the idea of going, but I'm worried that it might set us back even more.

DH is trying so hard at the moment, and I do appreciate it, but sometimes I find myself looking at him and wondering how he could do such a thing. It feels like he wants things to be back to what they were so much, that sometimes I feel overwhelmed. It won't be what it was because I'm not that wife anymore.

Hi Red Sorry for the late reply, first time I've been back on here since my last post. I was beginning to get sucked into other threads and it was playing with my mind. I was getting angry with my H irrationally for things other people had posted -totally lost the plot so I stepped away for a while.

We stopped counselling over Christmas but have another session tomorrow. I am looking forward to it, I/We have found it incredibly helpful, as echoed in many of the posts here. For Him he discovered a lot of boundary issues which had led to confusing and conflicting behaviours, he is addressing those. For me the affair not only shattered my heart it also opened a lot of wounds with regards to crap self-esteem on my part. I have very bad eczema and was bullied horribly at school, I fight on a daily basis to try and feel good about myself, this one selfish act destroyed me all over again. I have gone back 30 years and feel like a freak again This is part of the reason for not wanting H to touch me, the OW will/does have perfect soft skin, when he touches me I can't help but think he'll be wishing for that. I am now waiting for individual counselling to help me through this.
H is being supportive and trying hard also (as he bloody well should be!), its hard though isn't it? Some days I look at him and I want to punch his face in but I have noticed that at long last I am starting to have good days again. I have not felt the need to check his phone this month which for me is a huge step!! I have also found it hard to heal as he s*** on his own doorstep or near enough so have to drive past her place every time I go anywhere. Every time I see her I get that terrible feeling all over again, I can't bear it, but I have too. She tries and stares me down, literally tripping over herself so she can catch my eye...if it was me I'd hang my head in shame but heyho, she obviously has none.

No it won't be the same again, that marriage has gone, but like my counsellor said, we don't really want it to be the same..same is when affairs happen. We need to move our relationships on and hopefully find something better, deeper along the way. This is the MAIN reason we went for counselling, My H (at first) expected things to be bad but normal, I knew we could never be like we were again, like you said that wife has gone. I suggested counselling and he was happy to go, we both knew this was something that needed to be sorted out properly and to do that we needed help. We have a history of burrying stuff under our carpet and I knew if we did that with this, we would eventually trip and our marriage would die.

Good luck to you and thanks for posting a follow-up. Let us know how your going on, I'm going to try and not get too sucked in this time round