After the affair..

[Trustallgone]

Hello...This is my first post (although I've been lurking for a while) and I'm not sure what I'm expecting from you all, but I just need some advice/reassurance (miracle??)..something...

I found out my H had a short lived affair (4 weeks) 2 months ago and after initially throwing him out, decided to give it another go after, a) he was utterly sorry at his actions and has been very honest with details (perhaps too much too soon as I now can't them out of my head) and has cut all contact with OW, deleted her from FB and mobile etc etc. b) School called us to discuss DC behaviour, during the time of the affair and following he has become very emotional, clingy and isolating himself. Apparently worried about doing things wrong and crying hysterically when he does. School have been very understanding and are providing TLC when required, so I felt we needed to get some stability back at home asap and c) we are going to marriage counselling.
The thing is I am not sure what I should be feeling...right now I feel totally numb - I've done anger and I've done pain. About 2-3 weeks in I was able to hug, infact I wanted them and kiss but now I can't stand it. We have had sex once about 2 weeks ago, and thats all it was, there was nothing loving or affectionate about it at all and afterwards I felt disgusted with myself. Since then I freeze when H goes to touch me, even if its just a quick peck on the cheek. He is obviously aware of how I'm feeling (although we havn't discussed it) and is being very understanding, asking if I want a hug or if he can give me one (hug that is :)) We have started going on "Dates" again, as we had been neglecting "us time" and have had lovely nights out but when we get back home, it all comes flooding back and I honestly feel I hate him. I know I don't, I can't bare the thought of us not being together but I also can't bare the thought of him touching me, in any shape or form. I have been reading about hysterical bonding and am panicking that I don't feel like this, apparently we should be at it like rabbits. I am frightened that I am pushing him away, pushing him to someone else. I don't want to feel like this, I want to be close to my husband and feel loved. Right now I feel so damned lonely and I hate it.

Has anyone else been through this..how did you manage..did you get it back on track..any advice for me...please..
Thank you.

Good to hear from you - hope you are doing ok.

He is pretty much doing or has done all that you list in your post, Other than being willing to talk about it.

But being willing to talk about it is one of the most important, if not the most important thing he can do. He needs to understand why he allowed himself to have an affair and what character flaws does he have that need addressing in order to ensure that he won't do it again?

Talking about his vulnerabilities, failures, issues etc is not easy but it is vital if you both are going to be able to affair proof the marriage.

As for blaming yourself - my H admitted (after counselling and self analysis) that even if I had been the perfect wife, he would still have had the affair.

Hope you're as ok as you can be op. I agree with ensuring he accepts blame. That doesn't prevent you reflecting on your relationship.

How would he react if you took a similar road when things got mundane and had an affair? I imagine he wouldn't be ok about it yet he expects you to be by now.

Trust has to be earned and lived, words really are not enough

Hi, I just want to post something from my own experience, in the hope it might help you.

When my husband had a brief affair, it was a complete shock because we'd been very happy. Our sex life was good and we had regular romantic weekends away from our DCs.

Like you, I assumed that my husband must have been unhappier than me, or than I'd thought. I couldn't understand why he had an affair, otherwise. Like yours, my husband insisted he hadn't been unhappy and that the affair wasn't about me. Luckily for us, my husband found a really good counsellor who asked him lots of questions about his feelings towards me and about our marriage, before the affair. After establishing that the problems weren't with either of those things, the counsellor explained that in his experience, affairs often have very simple causes. It's just the fatal combination of the offer of sex with someone different + low risk of being found out.

The other woman in our case was also married and had no intention of leaving her husband and my husband was the same. He told himself that this was okay because it wouldn't harm our relationship and he didn't love the woman.

In the weeks after I found out, I asked him why he hadn't told me how unhappy he was and he was honest enough to say "because I wasn't unhappy, that's why." This angered me because I couldn't understand why he'd done it if he wasn't unhappy. I understand now and the book you're reading also helped us both a lot, as well as the terrific counsellor who incidentally recommended it to my husband.

This means you have to 'unlearn' a lot of stuff about affairs and it means your husband has got to be searingly honest about why he did this. If he hadn't thought about having an affair until he got the chance to, it's possible he was like my husband. The bad news if that is the case is that it means your husband has got to change quite radically - and from what you write, it doesn't sound as though he realises that or is willing to. If he doesn't, he will be unfaithful again as soon as he gets another chance.

It's much easier for someone in your husband's position to say it happened because he felt unappreciated, than it is to admit an inability to say "No" to something that looked like penalty-free fun. The main reason we are still happy together is because my husband didn't take that easy road.

Good luck.

I've got more from this post than I have from 6 sessions of counselling. Really I have.

Sternface Are you a professional counsellor? If not, you should be!! Thank you for taking the time to reply to my ramblings. Your post gave me a great deal to think about. As I read it I understood - I hope that doesn't sound too cheesy :)
On top of that we had a relate session last night and something of a "Eureka" moment for both of us. My H has finally said what I was so desperate to hear - I could of done nothing to stop it happening, it was not about me, it was not about us, it was all about him and an opportunity which presented itself. While he was all to willing to try and shift the blame to me I knew we could not move forward together. He was starting to rewrite the history of our marriage to justify his actions.

Last night, thank god, it all stopped. He actually stopped mid-sentence and said "No, this is not right. This may hurt you, but there was nothing you could of done to stop me from sleeping with X, it was nothing to do with you or the state of our marriage" I'm not going to detail anymore it gets to personal for my H after that and its not for me to share. But I will say he recognises he has a lot of work to do on his boundaries and what is acceptable or not. This has always been an issue due to his upbringing, but its got to be good that he is finally seeing it and more importantly willing/wanting to change it....hasn't it?
Madabout Thank you for your helpful posts, I think we might be getting there :) Time will tell I guess, but I feel in a completely different place than I did at the start of this thread. I feel we have something to fight for. I have a H who is beginning to recognise himself and not particularly liking the man he's been.
Joblot Thanks for your comments. Trust does have to be earned and lived. We are starting that long road again.

Familyscapegoat I don't know where to start with your post. After the things that came out last night at counselling, I could of written it. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. He told himself that this was okay because it wouldn't harm our relationship and he didn't love the woman Ditto, this is what my H said last night, this is what he said to himself to allow him to go ahead with the affair. He thought I would never find out, that he really could do this without it impacting on us.

I know its not going to be easy and we both have a lot of work to do, I do have to relearn what I thought I knew about affairs and the whys, whatifs and he has to find himself, perhaps for he first time in his life.
I do feel a lot better today than I have felt in weeks. Big Thanks to you all.

Thanks for the update, great that you are feeling better today.

My H was exactly the same - he had an affair because the opportunity presented itself, and he thought that he got away with it and continued to meet up with OW, thinking it would not hurt us. Of course his behaviour, the secrecy and deceit damaged the marriage without me understanding what was going on

It is a very tough truth to accept for the H as he will now have to blame himself and look at his own flaws and boundaries. So your H has done well to finally realise this.

Sorry I haven't responded for a while, we're getting ready for DS first birthday. I'm grateful for the distraction as I can put my energy into something else and get distracted.

We have my family staying with us at the moment and H's family are coming too to celebrate DS's birthday. I don't have the best relationship with his brother and SIL, so it's been adding more of a strain to our rocky relationship.

I'm finding it hard to have my family here and pretend everything is normal. My DM is talking to me about DB marriage problems and I have to not say anything. Sometimes I wish people understood that I have my problems and issues to deal with.

I begrudge the fact that I have to play the good DIL and SIL to H's family. The family with whom I haven't gotten along with, who have hurt me so much in the past. It hurts as H has slept with someone else, shown his disregard for his pregnant wife, yet I should nice to them?!

Sorry I'm ranting. I'm upset and having a bad day. I just dream of him sleeping with another woman, seeing them together and him laughing at me. The dreams bring the pain back

Does that make a bad person?

Red You sound so sad and to be honest, overwhelmed. Are you remembering YOU in all this? I know at times I just want to stop life and hide, I feel totally swamped and unable to process my feelings or thoughts, because life is in the way. Have you told your H how you are feeling? How?s he react? Are you going to any counselling, I only ask because this week has finally been a huge turning point for us, and I know we wouldn?t of got here without outside help.

Have you told anyone what you are dealing with? Do you have any RL support? My DM is talking to me about DB marriage problems and I have to not say anything. Sometimes I wish people understood that I have my problems and issues to deal with Have you said anything though? I know I do this, I expect people to be able to mind read, I expect them to guess that something is wrong, when all the time I am acting as if my life is marvellous. I then feel upset and unloved because no-one is looking out for me, but really why would they?my life?s great yes?....No!! Why do you Have to not say anything?

I?m not sure what you mean by does it make you bad?does what make you bad??The fact your H cheated on you and you now resent the fact that you are playing happy families with his family. Lord No this does not make you bad, but Why are you doing this??I?m afraid I must be evil incarnate because the day after I found out about his affair, I rang his mother to tell her to expect him home. I was chucking him out and the reason why. I had nothing to hide. I?m afraid I told his mum, my parents and the OW, in fact I went to see the OW and gave her my wedding ring. I then wrote a very nice letter to her H and delivered it to him. You just have do what you feel is best for YOU. Not your H, not his family..YOU. So, no you don?t sound bad, you just sound terribly sad. You're carrying a huge weight, I do think you need someone to share it with.

The dreams are normal I think, I certainly have dreams like this. My latest is I?m stuck on a train, my H and the OW are in the carriage with me and our DC, they are in bed laughing at me?I try to get out but I can?t and when I do, I hear their laughter following me down the train. I wake up in such a state, it takes me ages to realise that it hasn?t actually happened, but it reawakens all the hurt:(

I?m sorry I probably haven?t been much help, but I couldn?t not answer. Stay in touch.

PS. Big first birthday wishes to your little boy , enjoy his day! xx

I haven't told anyone in RL about what H has done. I don't want anyone to know for a few reasons. I'm embarrassed that this has happened to me, that my H who I thought so much of, would have a one night stand.

Since I want to get this marriage back on track and believe what H has said to me, if I tell anyone like my DM, where I have a close relationship, they wouldn't forgive when I finally can. That relationship would be ruined and it would be a constant reminder to me.

I am feeling overwhelmed and just sad. H is working very hard to put things right and show me that he is sorry, and we are getting better. But I feel sad, lonely.

I know you say that you want to get past this and move on, and can't bear the thought of not being with your H. I also think you've have wonderful advice from many MNs on here, about getting through this awful situation.

I'm from another perspective, in that I ended a 22 year marriage earlier this year, and dreaded the thought of being alone. I suspected that twunt had been having an affair but had no proof, and he denied this for months and months, and continued to after the split. It has now transpired that there was another woman on the scene (which I knew in my heart) for a long time before we split.

For what it's worth, I think you are furious inside, and that you feel you've compromised yourself by forgiving him and giving it another go. This rage and hurt is manifested, quite naturally, in you being repulsed by him. He has done (in my book) the unforgivable, and everything you believed in and thought about this man has been blown apart. You say, interestingly, that part of the reason you are giving it another try is for DC, and that s/he experienced a rough patch at school and you feel giving it another go will help. Well, it won't. Sorry to be harsh, but I think kids are better with two parents apart than two trying to be together in the situation you are in. Kids get older and they always know when things aren't right at home - they compare their mum and dad with their friends' parents who are happy, and it knocks them sideways. I can totally understand why you want, for dc, to make this work. I did the same, stayed with a horrible man for two years before my teenage kids saw me slowly crumble, and they told me to kick him out.

I think you need a break from this man, even for just a few weeks or months. You need to focus on you and what you want. And you need to decide if you really do want this man for yourself, not for dc. He will always be there for dc, whether in the same house or not. You however, cannot compromise your values, your needs because of dc. It will eat you up, like it did me.

The thought of being on your own is horrible - the reality is much easier than I expected. I am not trying to someone I'm not, and there's no pretence, no walking on eggshells, and no pain.

Put yourself first and take time out to decide what you want. He needs to know that you are considering being on your own; he will then see for the first time perhaps what he stands to lose. I think sadly that if you carry on like this, he'll cheat again. Why? Because he can.

Good luck.

Red

Have you thought about RElate or similar? Both Trustallgone and I have had similar experiences in the last 6-8 weeks, and we wouldnt have got this far without it. My h didnt suggest it and has always been against therapy of any kin, but says that it would have been worth way more than we paid for it, and we have only had 4 or 5 sessions.

The change which came out of that for us both have made the dreams fewer and further between- it is just beginning to recede a little.

Saffysmum,

I know you have had an amazing journey- I read your thread and really admired you for your strength. I would certainly have taken your path if counselling had not delivered such radical change. It isnt the same decision if you get a new h (who just looks like the old one) out of this, as opposed to the old one.

Obviously counselling alone doesnt do this- but a combination of counselling and a truly open, sorry partner can do.

Yes, I agree fiventhree, that for some couples counselling and a truly open, sorry partner, can work wonders. I'm thrilled that it does and it worked for you. I just wonder whether deep down OP's H is really "truly open and sorry". Just the impression I get from her posts.

I think it's great that people can work through this, and in no way advocate the "get thee to the divorce courts immediately" advice in all cases. For me, it was the only option. I didn't want counselling, I didn't want our marriage to work - I wanted him out - because after 22 years all the trust had gone, and I no longer liked the man. I guess that's the difference for me - the shit I'd been dealt by him for years had eroded and killed all my feelings. I put up with it much longer than I should have for two reasons - 1, the kids. 2, not wanting to be alone. I guess I just want to make the point to OP, without cricising her choice in any way, that being alone is ok - it really is - it's better than being in a marriage when the trust and love has gone.

X

I have SO MUCH going for me. On the cusp of retirement forever - at 43 - albeit I was just a language teacher abroad, not earning much, fell in love when I first left where I am, went out into the big world (I was in the Far East - not very romantic - traveled instead of loved), fell in love, wow, awesome, then he cheated on me once, but only because I found out - this sounds so dumb but I felt him cheating on me, the necklace he had given me itched my neck - I was thousands of miles away from him, emailed him, denied at first - like how the fck could I know anyway!!!! - then admitted. This was in 2008. I have not gotten over it, the reason I am back in the Far East for this year is because I am still so sick that it happened, and yet he loves me, wants me forever, we are meeting this Christmas, and then are supposed to be together forever as of March, when this damn contract finishes - NO NEED TO WORK either, no financial worries if with this man, and even without, I can make my world happen, and retire - have a boat, can live on it and sail the oceans, once I learn how to sail, that is - and argh. My point here is that he has been loving to me, he has apologised, but I have been angry, so angry, because I gave him my all, it was, he said, THE BEST LOVING OF HIS LIFE, yeah, mister, of course it was, because it was real, and I hadn't fallen in love before..arghhhhhh, he used to be on this wonderful pedestal for me - fidelity is so important for me, I don't screw around, even when single, even though guys like me - and still, in 2011, I am feeling this hurt, and I hate it, even just now, cycling up the hill, I was hating what he has put me through, us through, and he's an amazing man, he really is, and he promises me the world eventually (I can also give myself the world though), and well, we shall see how I feel this winter vacation, because I think I might have turned a corner, towards a place where my only new desire is 100 percent happiness, guaranteed, which i know I can give myself, so we shall see, this is a very difficult time in my life, albeit I am so very, very lucky, in many, many respects - the world is about to be my oyster, for life, which is no small feat for a girl from the Midlands, with a comprehensive education, and coming from a really awful broken family. Cry me a river, just had to share, that if you it is natural to feel sick about what happened, and for me, that sickness has lasted for years.
Boo hoo.
I was such a lovely romantic lover, too, he was my dream.
Until he fcked up, stupid fcking man.
Oops sorry.
;)

What timing, just as I hit 'post message' here, I get an email from him saying that he wants to share his life with me and no one else.
Now I feel like a shit for pouring my heart out here..still, I don't think guys realise how hurtful cheating on somebody who loves you really is.
It's terrible.
It has shrunk my heart, which is sad, because my heart was so big when I fell in love with him, he was my dream come true. He still is, but it's different now.
Stupid fdckign men.
Opps sorry.
;)

I'm sorry for my posts...it is good to try to work through this..your guy seems like my guy..he loves you and wants to make it work...I guess my point was that the guy has to understand that you are going to be bitter/sad/not trust/deflated for however long...and if he says, 'But it was a year ago!!' well, they really have no idea..I tell my guy, 'it could be 100 years ago but it's still so hard to accept'.
I guess I should though, he shows me love all the time, albeit this stupid year happened - LONG story - anyway, I'll jump off the thread, and sorry for spilling my sob story. It's not so sobby, I just needed to vent.

How is everyone doing?

We have dh's family staying with us and are coping with that added pressure surprisingly well.

I'm having difficulty not thinking of him touching another woman when he tries to be nice to me. When he kisses me I keep thinking of his his hands on someone else. When he asks me if I love him, I do but it's not the same. Nothing is the same anymore.

I did think about counselling but I'm worried that it might make the situation worse. That somethings may be brought up that we've just moved past.

Nothing will be the same again - but for us we see it as a brand new start and the marriage is a different one from what we had before. You will also never again have the same blind trust but thats not necessarily a bad thing.

Personally I think counselling is important in order to be able to move on properly rather than sweeping everything under the carpet. Are you doing any reading? Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is highly recommended on here.

My husband and I had our first counselling session this week (he had a brief affair a few weeks ago) and I found it a very positive experience - almost enjoyable. I think it's really going to help us. We didn't go over the affair very much it was more about how we interact as a couple and our personalities inside and outside the relationship.

I've just ordered the book from amazon. I have seen that alot of people are recommending the book.

Good to hear you had a positive experience at counselling mcbuckers. I guess, if I'm honest, I'm scared. What if it makes things harder between us. What if we say or think things we can't come back from.

You are right madabouthotchoc things will never be the same again. It's hard to feel close to him sometimes. To feel ok with him touching me and....I guess I haven't forgiven him yet.

Red - you can't live like this, being scared of the truth. I found that honesty and openess helped bring us closer together - it was a painful process but not having secrets any more brought down barriers between us.

The counselling helped us say difficult things in a safe environment do consider giving it a go.

How is everybody doing?

I needed to ask, are any of you intimate yet with your partners? I used to feel so frisky with my H, but since I've found out I just don't want to. When we do have sex, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. Being nearly 28 weeks and feeling like a huge whale doesn't make me feel any better. I just think of that OW, who was slim and toned.

Does this pass? Do things start feeling how they used to?

eel so sad for everyone on here.My exh cheated on me after 18 yrs 4 dc's and id just got over breast cancer.My dd was 8 months.
At first i kicked him out then when i realised how hard that was i gave it all another go.I quickly realised i didnt want to waste another precious moment feeling ugly,paranoid and inadequate.I was hardly eating to stay slim and applying make up 4 times a day to be as pretty as possible,i also cringed everytime he left the house or looked at any other female.
It was not easy but i decided like saffy to end it and make anew life for myself.
It was the best thing i ever did.I have acheived so much in the last 8 years and am a totally different person.
It was certainly not easy and i had a difficult first year,but in my case i would have had more than that had i stayed.
Just wanted to add another positive story of taking the other path after an affair.
Loys of love and luck to you all.

We are, alot, that side of things came straight back, and hasnt been an issue.

We have been 'discharged' from counselling, and told we had enormous emotional intelligence, which was reassuring, although I dont always feel that is true.

However, I still have days or periods within days when I am upset or angry. I suppose I am more shocked at myself than him, that I thought I was such an independent woman who was not easily fooled, and then discover that, even when I was suspicious, I allowed myself to be persuaded otherwise for five and a half years. It only stopped the day we started at Relate. I learned that I can be naive and too easily trusting, and a fool.

One difference is that my h didnt have an affair- but he did have internet sex conversations with over a hundred women, who sent him photos etc, through Yahoo pool and yahoo messenger. At the same time, he blamed our diminishing sex life on my attitude to him, and on my 'criticism', for which read stress and resentment at being left to cope with a fulltime job and two young adult kids and three younger ones, whilst sometimes ill, and living with a workaholic who had withdrawn from the family. He now sees that there were many factors in his life that led him to do what he did, other than pressures for us.

Oddly, I trust him implicitly for the future- he could not be more sorry, and has worked very hard to change himself- but I do sometimes wonder whether there is more which has happened in the past than I have been told. He really did have to have the facts dragged out of him, bit by bit, and often as a result of my forensic questioning.

He is trying so hard to make amends. To be a better husband. And I can see how much he is trying.

Our relationship is probably better at the moment. I'm not willing to stay quiet on issues or concede anymore. I'm more vocal about situations, like when his family came to stay. God, dealing with BIL, SIL and this was a headache. But, he showed me that we, as in his family, came first.

I just don't feel like being intimate with him. It hurts too much. I no longer feel attractive and now am waiting to have this baby so I can get into shape. Try and feel like I can be attractive and appealing. I look at myself and see a mess. Someone who isn't who she used to be