Calling someone up on a lie... when they owe you money!

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

Bugger. The long version makes me sound like a gullible knob. In fact all three versions I've tried to write have made me sound like a gullible knob.
The very very short version (this one) is probs just as bad but if i dont post now I wont before I go to bed.

I lent a friend (who I've had a casual sexual relationship with for 18 months) a sum of money. Not huge - but it was the amount I had left to see me through to the end of the month.

He went on a night out last night and we had arranged for him to stay at mine. He didnt turn up. I received a text this afternoon from his phone from a "friend" saying he had been taken to local hospital during the course of the night due to an attack of a condition I know he has, and he will call me in the week.

I was a bit suspicious of the text as it was written with poor spelling, crap syntax and unusual punctuation - in fact, in the style of my friend.

After a bottle of wine this evening I rang hospital admissions and lo and behold he has not been admitted at all. Which I knew. I fully intend to call him up on this and say I want nothing to do with him any more, but two things are pissing me off.

1. WHY make up a lie? If he didnt want to come over, he knows that would have been fine! I have made clear over the 18 months that I don;t WANT to be with him and I love things as they are. Even if he met some woman I wouldn't have minded - why lie? (We use protection, btw) and 2) I don't think I can force myself to keep quiet until I get my money back. I want to call him up on this lie tomorrow. I know this will mean forfeiting my £50 but I am so pissed off.

Can I have some advice, please? What would you do? PLEASE don't comment along the lines of "well, if you let a bloke shag you casually, what do you expect?" - I DO see that point, but our friendship has gone from strength to strength for the last 18 months and this is what hurts more than fifty pissing quid. I just dont get why he lied. And such a massive lie as well! :-( If I call him on this and I lose him as a friend I will be GUTTED
TIA xxx

Why do you want to keep his friendship? He sounds like a knob.

Madonna - because I do care about him.
Though I fully expect to be the end of friendship as I have known people get very funny when pulled up on a lie...... I just don't know. For ages I've been happy in this bubble, telling myself this "thing" is a great alternative to a relationship cos I cannot trust myself to pick the right bloke to be with....... and I've even picked the wrong friend :-(

Can't give any advice as such, BWITGG, but have been in similar situation, bullshitted in similar way by twattish cock lodger. And asked exactly the same question: why lie when there's absolutely no need?
I think they lie because much as they like the idea that they are seeing someone on a casual basis, the idea that they could be as 'disposable' as they like to think their 'shagpiece' is, they can't handle not being 'the one and only' (sorry about the word 'shagpiece', but I think it's appropriate here, because that's how they like to see us but can't handle bein seen as that themselves).

He's lied to you in order to persuade himself that you care about him, or as a way of potentially hurting you - to try and bring himself power. Pathetic and infuriating.

Actually, here's some advice: play all naive, pretend you're concerned about him, get your £50 back - in fact why not borrow a bit off him? then let him know you know the truth and kick him to the far end of fuck.

If you care about him, BWITGG, then it's time to show him some tough love. He really mustn't go on bullshitting like this as he's making a proper idiot of himself. A steep and tough learning curve will surely be in his best interests.
(And if you care about him, maybe you shouldn't be sleeping with him. He doesn't sound emotionally mature enough to deal with sexual relationships yet.)

Like hell you should let the money go!!!

Send him a text saying 'sorry to hear you're in hospital. will try to visit tomorrow. hope you're feeling better and hope you have my £50'.

PDP - THANK YOU. That has put into words the feelings that have been spinning around my head.
He cannot bear the fact I don;t need him! Since I started on the depo jab I have found my sex drive has gone down hill. (not too bothered as am single at the mo) In the sense that I don't crave it, but if it's there and someone's doing the right things... it's great, and so on.
But it's meant I havent felt the need to desperately text him or anything, which I think bothers him.
I dont think I can be all nicey nice to him in order to get my cash back. I just want to tell him I know he;s told a big fat fucking lie!!!
And no objection to "shagpiece"! - I accept that's what I've been, and so's he. But obviously.........different coonotations for the woman......blargh.......blargh.....

izzy - I would if I werent such a big fat coward! Plus it would give him time to concoct some ridiculous story. I just want to put it to him and see how he responds.
GOD I felt a fucking fool on the phone to admission when they told me there was nobody of that name in there. I KNEW anyway, but felt such a such a twat :-(

Well.... IKWYM about wanting to make your feelings known, but I think it would do him good to get a taste of his own medicine.
'Men' who behave like this are such complete and total bullshitters - even to themselves. Let hime know you're pissed off straight away, and I guarantee his response will be 'there, there, now you've got too attached to me - but we were only seeing each other casually' or some other such shit to try and persuade himself that it's your problem that you're pissed off about him lying.

I really think you'll have the last laugh if you can bullshit him back, you know,

He doesn't know that you've phoned the hospital. As far as he's concerned, you've been taken in by yet another lie.

FGS you're not being asked to perform some heroic feat; all you have to do is send him a text which will no doubt see him make a miraculous recovery and be discharged early tomorrow a.m as he'll fear you'll turn up at the hospital and discover he's lied to you about his admission.

Make the fucker sweat - if you don't get your £50, you can have fun jerking the jerk's chain. See how many ridiculous stories he can concoct and publish them here so we can all have a laugh and you'll at least be able to feel you've got your money's worth out of him.

PDP - that reactio would infuriate me as we both know it not to be true. But I wouldn't put it past him.
It really isn't in my nature to bullshit or mess about, but I would like to exit this situation with a scap of dignity if poss (and my dosh). I shall have a think at work tomorrow. Every part of me is itching to text, but I will think it through.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the straightfoward approach; simply send him a text saying 'Re the £50 I lent you, that was all I had to get me through the next 10 days. When can you repay me?'

Text him back with an 'emergency' whereby you need £50 now. You will soon get the measure of him then.

If you get the money back, I will match it with another £50 to tell the twat to fuck off

Don't feel you're a twat for phoning the hospital. It gave you the evidence you needed. Better that than not phoning and always wondering if it was true....

And don't tell him you gave him your last £50 for the month. That might make him feel powerful ("wow, she'll give me the last of her money").

I'm with SirSugar, concoct an emergency that you need the money for Pronto!!

LOL at the expression "to the far end of fuck"!!

I'd text him '5 mins from hospital, what ward you on?'. Assuming it's a condition he would be kept in for.

Make him sweat.

Oh yes, someone once gave me some brilliant advice.

She said "When someone asks me for money, I look at them and say Now do I look like your mother?!"

Get your money back, borrow £100 off him then call him on the lie. Make it his problem.

The stage you're at in this relationship is typically as good as it gets from a bloke's point of view. He will get less interested in you as time goes by not more; he will fancy you less not more; he will work less hard to keep your attention and respect not more; he will take you more for granted not less.

And this is when from his POV it's as good as it gets. And it's crapola.

Shake the shit from your shoes but get the money first.

His initials aren't SH are they???

I think it's a boy-thing. I am currently going through a similar scenario (it is on MN) & I think they do it because they think they get away with it.

It's crap....

I'm only asking this, not trying to justify his behaviour in any way. When you rang the hospital to ask if he was there, did they specificially say he wasn't there or did they say they couldn't say or were a bit vague (due to patient confidentiality). He could have been in the hospitial after all- unless you know for definite by now that he wasn't.

frazzle I want to think the same as you... But I can't.

Why did the 'friend' send a text? Does this mysterious condition render the poor man unable to speak?

You could send a text along the lines of, "the funniest thing happened, I was ever so worried about you being in hospital so i called up to see which ward you were on and they just couldn't find you. What happened?"

I have a female friend who is the biggest liar in the world, to everyone and for no reason. She is literally hospitalised on a monthly basis (in her world) and is quite happy to ask you to lie for her too. Drives me up the wall so I rarely see her now - plus, if something did ever happen to her people really would just ignore her as no one has a clue when she is telling the truth any more. Its sad really :(

Thanks for these replies - they've actually made me smile! No -he's not SH, whoever this is!!! :-D Close though.....
I am gonig to give it till tomorrow, (Sat to Wed is a decent enough time to make a miraculous recovery) then will ask if he can drop the money through letter box with no mention of hospital. When I have the bloody money back I will say nothing until he casually wonders if I would like to see him at the weekend. Then I will calmly explain I know he was lying, there was NO NEED to lie, and as I don't even feel a basic level of trust with him any more, I no longer want to see him.

Frazzle - the call to hospital was fairly humiliating and I'm quite certain he wasn't there. They asked a million questions about him, then confirmed no-one of that name or description had been admitted. I asked by his nickname and full name. I KNEW though, that it was a lie.

sillymillyb I like the idea of that text, but I don't want to come across as flippant - I want him to genuinely see he's hurt and upset me..............when I've got my £50 back!!!!!

Isn't it pretty obvious that he spent the night with another woman? What's your agreement on that?

Get the money back first. You need that to live on, so it has to be a priority.

Then yes, tell him that you never wanted him as a boyfriend, but you had wanted him as a friend. By lying to you, he's been the worst kind of friend.

You're right when you say you don't pick men wisely - why is that? Do you go for a superficial attraction rather than an attraction to their character?

Oh and when you talk about protection, please tell us you're using condoms with him.

What other kind of "protection" would I mean? A sword and shield? Not everyone who has casual sex is happy to take chances with their sexual health! Sorry if that sounds defensive (or knobbish) - I just have seen comments on MN before to that effect. Irritates the absolute fuck out of me.
Also - yes, I'm fine if he spent the evening with someone else - that was my assumption!

My question is - WHY LIE??? He knows when I've had the odd night with other men - I've been totally open. He has never told me about other women ,but I've never asked, whereas he asks me quite persistently. Also, why make up such a worry-making lie? Twat. I'm just deflated as I gave him more credit than this. I have loved the last 18 months - equal friends in an equal "relationship" - now I have that feeling of contempt, and I don't want him near me.

As far as my choices go - I get it wrong with men every time. History of abuse, been raped, hideous self esteem, blah blah, won't bore you. Don't want a partner as....well I don't. Don't have time with work, don't know anyone worth investing time/feelings into, etc. But I like sex and closeness. Thought I had exactly this with this person. In fact I did until now. :-(

I'm sorry! I saw that you had the injection and I was just hoping you had a bit of a barrier between you! Don't forget I don't know you, I was just going on what was written down.

I know what you mean about feeling deflated. I don't know why he felt the need to lie; I doubt whether he knows himself.

I'm sorry you've been through such bad times. Not every man is a complete tosser or much worse. It's hard to find the good ones even when you have a good radar.

Thanks IB and am sorry for getting snotty - wasn't intended!!
It's just frustrating knwing that ONCE AGAIN I've made a bad choice :-(
When things are different I will think about looking for someone decent....but not yet.
xx