Calling someone up on a lie... when they owe you money!

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

Bugger. The long version makes me sound like a gullible knob. In fact all three versions I've tried to write have made me sound like a gullible knob.
The very very short version (this one) is probs just as bad but if i dont post now I wont before I go to bed.

I lent a friend (who I've had a casual sexual relationship with for 18 months) a sum of money. Not huge - but it was the amount I had left to see me through to the end of the month.

He went on a night out last night and we had arranged for him to stay at mine. He didnt turn up. I received a text this afternoon from his phone from a "friend" saying he had been taken to local hospital during the course of the night due to an attack of a condition I know he has, and he will call me in the week.

I was a bit suspicious of the text as it was written with poor spelling, crap syntax and unusual punctuation - in fact, in the style of my friend.

After a bottle of wine this evening I rang hospital admissions and lo and behold he has not been admitted at all. Which I knew. I fully intend to call him up on this and say I want nothing to do with him any more, but two things are pissing me off.

1. WHY make up a lie? If he didnt want to come over, he knows that would have been fine! I have made clear over the 18 months that I don;t WANT to be with him and I love things as they are. Even if he met some woman I wouldn't have minded - why lie? (We use protection, btw) and 2) I don't think I can force myself to keep quiet until I get my money back. I want to call him up on this lie tomorrow. I know this will mean forfeiting my £50 but I am so pissed off.

Can I have some advice, please? What would you do? PLEASE don't comment along the lines of "well, if you let a bloke shag you casually, what do you expect?" - I DO see that point, but our friendship has gone from strength to strength for the last 18 months and this is what hurts more than fifty pissing quid. I just dont get why he lied. And such a massive lie as well! :-( If I call him on this and I lose him as a friend I will be GUTTED
TIA xxx

Have you thought about meeting people just as friends, with no sex involved? I think when you have a friends with benefits situation, it's difficult to be either a good friend or a lover. It's one thing if it's a casual friend, but it's hard to be very good friends with someone who you're sleeping with when you know they're sleeping with others too, don't you think? Or is that just me!

Maybe if you focused on meeting men in a different setting, like a book club or a walking group or running club etc, with no thought of being anything more than friends, you might meet someone with whom a solid relationship has time to flourish.

I have thought a lot about this - this may sound an excuse, but the tiny town and long hours I work really do make this hard. I'm quite a confident person when it comes to meeting and chatting to people, so nerves aren't an issue. I just find when I get home I am zonked and just want to curl up in front of Masterchef with wine and cook my tea!

I do like a pint after work in a pub where I can chat to lots of blokes, but (after several fuckups I have realised that) none of them are suitable. I genuinely have no immediate need for a partner. I don't want any kids, so that's not an issue. Am only 27 and I enjoy spending my money on myself. (Selfish, but hey.)

You are totally right about meeting men in different settings. Due to my many fuckups though, when I ever seem to meet a decent, sensible man who talks to me like an intellectual equal, I can't deal with it. I tell myself to back off - they can't really want to talk to me. Why would a decent chap want to talk to me?

Jesus, this is turning into a counselling session! Sorry about that!

Nothing wrong with a counselling session thread, BWITGG, it's actually quite therapeutic for some of us too!
Almost 3 years ago now I split up with someone who was very much like the A&E bullshitter and was I completely knocked back by it because of the 'Why lie? Why? WHY THE FUCK LIE?'
I had asked him of he was seeing anyone else - which he was, but diligently lying his arse off about it. He had done a good job of making sure I didn't get to see anyone (yeah, yeh, I should have seen through him, done my own thing, etc. - but hey, I didn't...) And he had also made sure that I hardly saw my friends, worried about him, all that.
And I say 'he made sure' because that's precisely what he was doing. By lying.

I didn't have great self confidence when we started seeing each other (though if you met me you probably wouldn't think that), and I had even less at the end of our 'relationship'. And since then I've really not wanted to get involved with anyone.

Oh yeah, and (I'm guessing) probably just like you chose your liar because it felt easier than seeing someone you would invest more in, that's what I did by choosing to see him and not someone a lot nicer. And I totally get the bit about avoiding apparently decent, likeable, intelligent men, and I've been just the same. Still am, and only just now - having been 'happily' single for years - very tentatively considering a rethink.

But what this 'relationship' did do for me was make it so, so clear (as if it wasn't before, but hey,) how happy I had been to lull myself into a sense of security that it would be OK to make do with something like that.

Dunno what I'm trying to say, really, except that at least time spent being single hasn't been wasted. There are few things less productive than hanging out with someone where the mutual feeling - easy, quite fun sex and mediocre joke telling aside - is simply that you couldn't really care less about each other.

PDP - bloody hell! That post rang amazingly true with my situation. I liked where you said about being "happily" single. This is me!!!! I do love the fact I can live, survive and be happy on my own....but I do wonder if there's possibly anyone who will want me as a partner somewhere? On goo days I thinks maybe, on bad days I think why would there be cos I'm fat and rubbish. Annoyingly, the lying A and E twat genuinely likes bigger women, so as well as our friendship I feel I've lost a fucking gorgeous man who actually fancied me!

We sound quite alike in the sense that we perhaps come across as confident in many situations, but in relationship situations don't at all! I seem to automatically put myself in positions of submissive weakness when I get in a relationship - it's EMBARRASSING to look back on.

Can I ask - you said you're tentatively re-thinking the singleness..... how are you thinking about meeting someone?

how are you thinking about meeting someone?

Tricky one...
Definitely not on line dating or anything formal like that because I also do the over-pleasing, change myself if I think that'll make someone happy thing.
But am more thinking I maybe feel up to being confident about my own boundaries, and not persuading myself that I'm OK with stuff which isn't actually doing much for me, it's just not completely freaking me out/pissing me off/making me want to run away screaming that very second, IYSWIM.
And without doing some sort of gung-ho 'affirmations' stuff telling myself how wonderful I am, not allowing myself to fall into feeling grateful just because someone funny/attractive/intelligent (but it's generally been someone who I can also feel safely distant from) is happy to be around me.
Not falling into the trap of thinking that if I don't put a ton of effort into being a certain way then the poor stooge will see the 'real me' and realise he's been wasting his time - and if he does, best for both of us, I suppose.
Oh, and re. boundaries - not letting myself be in a state where either I push people away (which I do - will be hard to keep working on that) or let them trample all over my time, home, social life, spare time, etc.
Sorry, long post, maybe not helpful, very obvious stuff. Maybe not helpful re. meeting people.

One more thing, though.
When I started seeing the crappy liar, I really was very happy with my own time and space, and I remember being a mildly annoyed that he was taking them up - but thinking he was OK, seeing him was fun, I should stop being so selfishly in my own world, etc. What really pissed me off - more than indignity, sense of betrayal and all those things, was the fact that I'd wasted so fucking much valuable time with him. I think it's the thought of someone else taking my time like that that really scares me.
So I'm thinking that if I carry on as usual, but try and be confident and keep boundaries and question myself when I meet someone I like but get more overwhelmed by fear than positive things - but also try and stick with my fears, IYSWIM, then maybe that's a start.

Quick post as am about to set off for work...
Sent a text yesterday saying "Hi, sorry if the timing's not great but could I have that fifty quid back please - I have six pounds in the bank!"
I wanted to sound neutral, but buggered if I'm going to refer to some fictional illness. Have had no reply yet, which is annoying and disheartening, he is probably mortally offended I haven't asked about his condition!

On the neg side, I had to put £4 of diesel in my car, which was deeply embarrassing, and unless he pays me back I will have to beg my mum for a sub, which is shit.

Has he replied at all, OP?

Yes, and it's absolutely sealed the deal for me!!! (Many thanks for those of you still here!) Here it is word for word (except for place names) TWATTWATTWAT!

"hello you, what a week, been in hospital, chest went on sat - knew it would, that's why X (his fictional mate) text you. I'm in X-town now back tomorrow morning, send me bank details I'll send you some money, really sorry babe I'll make it up to you (no you fucking won't) was really looking forward to our night sat (fuck off were you) been working away on nights."

AAAGH - can't believe he's continued the lie. Well I will send a cordial text back with my bank details, wait for the money to clear, leave it, then next time he wants to see me I will explain exactly why this won't be happening. Booooohooooooooooo :-(

Well let's hope the £50 makes it all the way from his parallel universe into your bank account, BWITGG.
By the way, when his imaginary friend texts you, does he do it from Bullshit Boy's phone, or from a different (non-imaginary) one?

He text it from BullshitBoy's phone - and I KNEW KNEW KNEW it was Bullshit as opposed to "friend" as he wrote with the same crap punctuation and syntax as BullshitBoy. I am an IDIOT but I will be an idiot who checks her bank account lots over the next day or two.

Fuck me, he's got some big balls carrying on that lie!

You're not an idiot, he is.

Just read this thread, what a twat he is BWITGG.
Have you got your money back yet?

I like how you are going to wait for him to contact you before telling him 'no more'

Hello all!
I didn't wait till he gave the money back! I snapped last night and told him calmly I knew he'd lied to me, but didn;t get why. Then I waited......... Was silently hoping he would apologize for the lie and we could maybe be ok. But no. He replied with an insane (really, really ridiculous) lie explaining why he HAD been in hospital but it had not been registered. It was laughable. Or cry-able!
Anyway, he finally put the money in my account today, THANK GOD!!! But felt the need to send me "a little speech" about my disbelieving him.
I have been a coward in that I haven't told him to fuck off out of my life, but I won't be seeing him again. He even had the NERVE to say "if we're ok can you send me a pic?"
I am actually most angry that I didn't spot he was EXACTLY the same as the other fuckwits I've picked!!!

Onwards, upwards and lots of wine.

Well done for finally getting your money back. Are you going to spend it on a 'how to spot a twat at 20 paces' refresher course?

Send him a picture of guitar pick and tell him to go play elsewhere 'cos you've had enough of dancing to his tune.

Or an ice pick with an accompanying message that you'll bury it in his miniscule brain if he contacts you again...

You've got the picture - now all you need to do is make sure he gets it too.

Oh, please tell us his ridiculous ridiculous excuse!

Abby I really can't - I've already given far too many details away on this thread! All I can say is it involved a very convoluted reason why he WAS in the hospital but not registered, involving medical staff risking their jobs treating him "on the sly" so his "work wouldn't find out." Pathetic. Pathetic pathetic.

Right, am in a bit of a panic and need some quick advice.

I'm aware that I should have stopped talking to the twat, but I haven't and he's pretty much laid his cards on the table. He wants me to get a loan of 6k to fund his business. I explained I couldn't even if I wanted to due to shit credit. (I would NEVER consider giving him money even if this fiasco hadnt happened.)
He replied that it couldn't be as I have a decent job etc. He also added (and this has panicked me) I've got your bank details - I can pay you back bit by bit. He said I can be "business partner" which I obviously declined, but he has sent more texts (I'm not replying but theyre still coming) calling me "partner."
PLEASE can someone knowledgeable tell me how much of an almightly fuck up have I made by giving him my bank details (name, a/c number and sort code, not security pin or password.) I'm really worried.
I'm also shocked at myself that I haven't seen what he was after all along. He always bangs on about up n coming his business and how it's skinting him, but I didn't twig.
I sound a fucking idiot :-(

Your account is fine - I give out my account details to people to transfer money in.

But could be worth giving your bank a ring on Monday and just alerting them to the problem and asking if they think you need to close that account and open a new one.

And just stop replying to his texts.

I don't think you have a problem.

If that is all he has it is no more information than you would find on a cheque written by you.

Don't see how he can get a loan on that info only..

Stop replying to the twat.

Keep a copy of the text conversations---just in case.

Thank you MrsCampbellBlack - I am not replying to any more texts. It is a relief to know my account will be ok, but I will certainly ring the bank on monday.

Please don't panic. People all over the world give out the same bank details that you've given the twat every day in order to receive payments etc with no harm done providing, of course, that they haven't divulged their pin no. or other security details.

The twat is a combination of Walter Mitty and Billy Liar. End it now by sending him a text to the effect that 'I hereby decline to accept your offer of a partnership in your non-profitable business. Our association is now over as in O-V-E-R which means that you're dumped and this GOODBYE FOR EVER'.

He can put money in but not take it out

If you can live with the inconvenience, get down the bank on monday morning and change your account. To a different bank if necessary.

And switch your phone off!

Could you block his number to stop him hassling you?

I'm keeping the texts, just in case, but I feel reassured by all your advice, so thanks.
I am a coward of the highest order and rarely send confrontational texts, but instead just ignore until they stop. I just feel a bit bad as I do think the business has a lot of potential, and if a few grand is stopping him from finalising things, that's rubbish. (Please don;t think I have any intention of funding him - I really dont!)
Just sad as well that 18 months of friendship, company, good sex, and niceness have finished. (I know it wasn't "real" and in theroy I should be able to do better, but my track record seems to imply I can't.) :-(