Has anyone used The Agreement from Patricia Evans book?

[Theagreement]

... And did it work?
If the verbal abuser incites you to behave angrily, then they accuse you of being the abusive one, can The Agreement work in this situation?
I've a beautiful tiny baby and want my relationship to work but can't and never should have put up with the abuse. Can't ignore it any longer.
Name changed for this.
Thank you.

am finding this site amazing, really rings bells

Singingprincess thank you - is that number for Respect? Just found their site, god it is amazing, didn't know something like that existed.

I will not go to counselling anymore. I'm not paying someone to treat me as my partner does anyway! I've had enough of that thank you!

I never thought I would be in this situation, but who does?

Good.

From now on, this needs to be about YOU! Not him.

I am finding that the more useful resources are the ones aimed at the abusers themselves, strangely, they give a clearer insight into what is wrong with these men, and there is a LOT wrong, and a large part of the problem is that they are men. BIG problem.

I have found Adam Jukes useful, Susan Forwards work extremely useful, and have just finished "Stop hurting the woman you love". They essentially say the same as Patricia Evans, just a slightly different perspective..

The Susan Forward books are good, because, (sorry about this) it is often our own upbringings that have trained us to allow men to abuse us, so not only are you left questioning your marriage, but your whole bloomin' family as well. :(

It's tough, but there are LOADS of us who are in there, just out of there, or a long time out of it, that are here to help and hold your hand.

Stop the Relate shite, and get some therapy with a specialist in abuse, FOR YOU....YOU, YOU AND ONLY YOU!!!!!

The BACP website tells you area of specialisation of the therapists listed.

We will be here.

OP so much of this rings true with me too (and Gobbycow). I threw my H out 3 months ago when I realised that he had been/was abusive. the situation had escalated in recent months. Like you, he constantly tells me I am mad, I am the abusive one. there are hoards of people telling him that I am mad, that they wouldn't put up with me etc. I have never met any of these people.

Like you I start to doubt myself - he makes me doubt myself. I read the Lundy Bancroft book a while ago, and coincidentally downloaded some of the other books on this thread yesterday. I don't really know what to do. Stupidly I offered him another chance, but as soon as I did it, I started doubting myself.

I would love to go and speak to a counsellor who specialises in this area. Years ago me and H did go and see a counsellor - it was an unproductive experience. He only seemed to want examples of how everything was my fault, and then to use those against me. I was left feeling that I was the slightly deranged one, while he sat there calmly speaking to the counsellor, and I got more and more wound up. I am now refusing to go to a counsellor with H as I know what he is like (and he is using this against me of course).

It's horrible when you start doubting yourself and wondering what is real and what isn't.

I think the issue of relationship counselling not being appropriate should be disseminated - it could be really dangerous. My XP is using her accusation of me overreacting a proof that I have psychiatric issues.

I ended up securing a place in a refuge but when I came home to collect things, he agreed to move out for a few days and went to stay with a friend. The next morning (today) he came home to pack things and said all his friends agree I am mental and he'll seek custody of 7mo DD. It was awful, I called the police and they were fantastic and he has gone to stay with family. It was hard that it came to that, both of us were distraught and mourning the great parts of the relationship, but I definitly did the right thing and actually feel pretty good. I'm myself again!

The Respect website is fantastic and I wanted to get in touch with them but I'm based in Ireland - ther do have a version linked to respect over here: Move , so will look into that.

WOW!!!! That is so brave of you!

He is following the same script that they ALL follow...you know that.

Please get in touch with Move.....they are so helpful, really. It is almost impossible for normal, mentally healthy people like you, Agreement, to really get just how disconnected and odd these men are, they see the world in a COMPLETELY different way than normal people, like aliens almost.

This pathology is widely known within health services, social services and the police these days...which makes it even more unforgivable that Relate STILL don't get it!

I am in awe at your sheer courage! Keep posting, and DO NOT let him back.

(((((HUGS)))))

Feel a tiny bit up and down, but mostly ok. I do miss him, but the not verbally abusive part of him (such a shame - that other part is my best friend and partner, and the most incredible Dad). Wish I could have him back but to be fair I have tried so hard to keep us together but I can't anymore, it doesn't work.

The police were fantastic, recognised things immediatly - it's all been 'text book' though I don't want to admit it - the outcome of counselling, his reaction to my asking things to end, his being pleasant to the police.

I will do singing - I still need to get my head round things so we can both be parents to DD and I know exactly what you mean. He does see things completely differently to me, which is why our discussions just never worked and why we both got so frustrated. But I have to say, I've really stood my ground this past week and that seems to be the only way there has been any tiny realisation on his part - anything less than standing firm and following through just enables them - it this makes sense? It has been quite a day...luckily the sun was shining here and had a lovely afternoon with DD in the park.

He is threatening to fight for custody, what can I do? I feel sick...

He sent me this article, which I think misses the point in our case!

Its intimidation. Please don't panic. He is trying to scare you. Keep the emails safe as you may need them for the future. But stay strong, and be confident. He can fight for custody, but its highly unlikely he will get it. However it may be worth trying to see if you can get legal aid, this may be worth speaking to Womens Aid about as they may know someone in the area which they use. But don't respond: look at it as someone who you and your baby are lucky to be away from!

His lovely elderly parents are now against me for calling the police, won't talk to me. I pray this will have a positive outcome for all involved because I love them and feel like I've ruined their lives.

I just read the link to the Charalambous article. The trouble with books is, someone has written it. There is always a view that can be disagreed with.

What is interesting is that he has chosen to show you only an article which rallies against what you have read - he could have shown you some writing that would make you see an alternative view, to perhaps get you to sympathise to something he is struggling with.

But NO, he chooses to fight a desperate attempt on your part to do the best for your children in your vulnerable situation when all you need is support, he chooses to use a 'counter-attack'. He's telling you what you think is not right or real.

It never ceases to amaze me how men/people can be trapped in their narcissism to the extent that they will be sure to lose everything.

Please get out. You can make space in your life for a decent man. Do it while your baby is still little. Mine are older now and it makes it much harder to leave.