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Original poster

Help, I need to break up with Mr Nice Guy.

68 replies

WoodenElephant · 20/11/2011 19:23

Been with DP for two years and have known for quite a while that things are going nowhere but can't seem to call it off. He's a nice guy but just not for me. The biggest issue he seems incapable of conversation. He is socially awkward which I can tolerate to a point but I need that adult conversation. I do try but I get either an inappropriate response (such as turning it into a daft joke) or no response at all. Apart from that we have no future together and I no longer find him attractive. He's insecure, needy and has no friends or hobbies. I often have to see movies at the cinema twice because he always needs me to go and see stuff with him whereas I often go with the kids or with a friend etc.

Everytime I plan to break it off though he comes in with a big box of chocolates (which he instantly tells me he got because they were reduced Hmm - hence what I mean by socially awkward) or he comes in with something else that just makes me feel guilty and gets me thinking I just can't do it.

I kind of decided to break it off after christmas, get all the festivities out of the way first but today he was talking about getting me a (reduced) ring for christmas.He is a nice guy, I like him as a friend but not as a partner. I don't want to hurt him but this is going to destroy him because as I've said, I'm his girfriend, best friend and group of friends all rolled into one Sad How on earth do I do this in the kindest way?

OP posts:
WeShouldOpenABar · 20/11/2011 19:34

You cant break up with Mr Nice Guy, I already did it I dont think he can take it twice!

Ok obviously a different Mr Nice Guy but I did it all the same and it was hard, I had tried a few times before and his tears had broken me and turned me round for a bit but I knew he wasnt the man for me and one day I just knew I could do it for good this time.

I was nice to him but direct no matter what he said I was firm that although I loved him there was no future for us and I was sad about it too but I couldnt be persuaded otherwise, and anyway did he really want to be with someone he had to talk into it.

Just because someone is nice doesnt mean they are for you , thats just life.

Loobyloo1902 · 20/11/2011 19:39

Be straight, get to the point and be brief. Then stay away whilst he sorts himself out. Sounds brutal but it's the kindest way. It frees him up to find the right lady and for you to find someone who doesn't annoy you so much-doesn't sound like a bad bloke though, just not for you by the sound of it.

If you want my tuppence worth, do it now before Christmas and the prospect of a ring.

I'm assuming no kids involved?

WeShouldOpenABar · 20/11/2011 19:44

Oh definitely do it as soon as you have the courage dont hold out for christmas because next thing you know itll be valentines day or his birthday or his cousins wedding which of course he cant go to alone! You wont help him by putting a face on things if you are absolutely sure this is what you want

PlumpDogPillionaire · 20/11/2011 19:45

we have no future together

Exactly. You said it. So dragging it out to Christmas - after which, of course, you'll feel you need to drag it out longer because a) he gave you nice pressies, b) Christmas if over, 'black Monday' is looming, or just passed, so he might be feeling needy c) he's got a cold, etc., etc., etc....

Knock it on the head now.
He's all grown up and can console himself with platitudes like 'it's better to have loved and lost...'

How on earth do I do this in the kindest way?
By doing it as honestly as possible, by making it clear that he's just not for you, by not being 'cruel' (not telling him there's stuff wrong with him), but not bullshitting him that there's something wrong with you either.

And actually, he's not that much of a nice guy. He knows that being with him isn't making you happy, but he refuses to listen to you and acknowledge that.

Play him Sting's 'If You Love SomeOne Set them Free', if you must.

But if you do all the above and he still does what he can to brush your feelings under the carpet and ignore them, then you really shouldn't be 'kind' anymore. He should be kind to you, treat you like an adult and behave like one himself.

Good luck.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/11/2011 19:46

Christmas is weeks away. Start your new life now. He doesn't do it for you in anyway and you need to tell him. He needs to be able to meet somoene who is right for him just as you do.

Xales · 20/11/2011 19:48

Well if you leave it until after xmas, then it is only a week until New Years and so you have to leave it until after New Years. If you leave it until after New Years, then it is only a few weeks until Valentines. If you leave it until just after Valentines then it will be someone's birthday/an anniversary..........

There is no nice kind way to do this. he is either a lot more into you than you are into him and he is going to hurt, or he realises he is onto a soft touch who finds it hard to do this and he can play the getting chocolates, then a ring etc until you are far more trapped.

Best way is now, bluntly, honestly but as nicely as you can.

EleanorRathbone · 20/11/2011 19:55

He's not a nice guy.

He's a mean bastard.

A miser. Possibly the least attractive trait in any person - meanness is just horrible.

And he's a manipulative emotional blackmailer. Making you feel guilty every time you want to break up with him. FGS, who with any self-respect wants to be with someone, who doesn't want to be with them? He sounds utterly revolting, not nice at all.

Bin him now. Tonight. Tomorrow is another day with millions more men out there who aren't horribly sticky little creeps like this.

ScarlettIsWalking · 20/11/2011 20:00

:)) wow say it like is it eleanor! Lol

buzzswellington · 20/11/2011 20:03

End it sooner rather than later.

If you do it now, he'll have a few weeks to recover before Xmas, and there'll be opportunities to socialise & party that he can take up (he may not, but that's not your responsibility).

January is dreary and everyone's skint.

Also if you hang on for Xmas, you migh get that ring or lovely pressies that make you feel even worse about ending it.

End it quick, end it clean. Don't try to be friends, it'll give him hope - it's better to walk away and cut ties definitively. It doesn't mean you can't eventually become friends again, just if he's clinging on regardless, it'll drag it out if you do too much hand-holding.

weevilswobble · 20/11/2011 20:14

Why wait til after xmas? So that you have a someone to do stuff with? You get presents and attention. Thats horrible. Its not kind to continue after you know its wrong, to drag it out. You're being charitable? I dont understand. Just tell him its over now. Just say its not right for you and that you dont want to be his girlfriend anymore.

EleanorRathbone · 20/11/2011 20:18

Yes also:

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.

Even if he was so nice that he was Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and the Buddha all rolled into one, you would still not be responsible for his feelings, his welfare, or his life.

And he's not. He's a miser. I'm kind of stuck on that one. Grin

tethersend · 20/11/2011 20:18

This is what the phrase 'It's not you, it's me' was invented for.

You have two options:

  1. Break up with him.
  1. Spend the rest of your life with him until one of you dies.

If the second option makes you hyperventilate and/or break out in a cold sweat, do whatever you have to do to make the first option happen. It really doesn't matter what he thinks of you.

buzzswellington · 20/11/2011 20:19

Indeed, good point, it might very well look like you're being mercenary if you hang on until after Xmas. Are you? Is that how you want to be perceived?

EleanorRathbone · 20/11/2011 20:22

How fucking dare he tell you that the chocolates he bought for you, were reduced.

What a creep. That's not socially inept, that's telling you straight, that you don't deserve full price chocolates and all you're ever going to get from him, is discount stuff because that's all you're worth. If you start feeling disappointed on Valentine's day in ten years time, because the bouquet is yet another 3.99 job from the bargain bucket in Morrisons, he will have trained you to feel guilty about feeling disappointed, because right from the start, he's told you you're not worth spending any money on.

Fuck that and fuck him (not literally, obv.) Start feeling a little bit of anger about the shabbiness that he's been thinking it's OK to display towards you, and then you'll find it's really easy to dump him.

ImperialBlether · 20/11/2011 20:35

He's mean and boring and immature. Finish with him now and have a lovely Christmas, or stay with him and face a half-assed proposal on Christmas Day. Your choice - I know what I'd do!

Oh and tell him somewhere where you can escape - don't do it in your house.

Change99 · 20/11/2011 21:07

Eleanor - Your vitriolic posts are disgusting. Who are you to start name calling and making such assumptions !

EleanorRathbone · 20/11/2011 21:08
Grin

Ah what's wrong Change99, do you buy 3.99 Morrisson's bouquets?

Change99 · 20/11/2011 21:23

I've never stepped foot in a Morrison's, but I'd suggest you yourself wouldn't be worthy of a 99p bouquet with your vile attitude !

EleanorRathbone · 20/11/2011 21:24

LOL, thank you for your interest in my attitude, vile or otherwise, Change99, now what advice do you have for the OP?

madonnawhore · 20/11/2011 21:28

I'm actually kind of with Eleanor on this one.

OP if you're feeling emotionally manipulated or guilted by this person, then they are not nice.

Change99 · 20/11/2011 21:29

I'd suggest she make her own judgements and ignore worthless comments such as yours as which offer no help whatsoever.

Heleninahandcart · 20/11/2011 21:29

He's insecure, needy and has no friends or hobbies.

There is a reason for that OP, press eject now.

Prolesworth · 20/11/2011 21:31

Eleanor has it spot on imho.

Manipulative, passive-aggressive, miserly and an ankle-clinger too I'll wager. Don't leave any room for ambiguity when you tell him it's over.

Good luck OP. You do deserve better than that.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2011 21:34

I'm with Eleanor

You don't owe this man a relationship, and any pathetic attempts by him to guilt you into that should be given the respect they deserve

Tell him cleanly but clearly...you don't want a relationship with him

Spinning it out any longer is simply cruel...to you, and to him

EleanorRathbone · 20/11/2011 21:35

I think my comments will help her enormously.

Women often think they have a duty to preserve relationships they don't really flourish in.

They often think they are responsible for everyone else's feelings.

They sometimes need permission to put themselves first.

What's your axe to grind Change99? You seem very angry about women telling this woman who is asking for advice, that she's allowed to dump this loser miser. He is a miser FGS, who finds one of them attractive? No one. Not even other misers.