How do I get over the 'I can't help/ contribute/ think/ talk/ function because I am out at work all day financially supporting you' line...

[Pieces]

A very negative response is becoming more frequent ( in fact that's bollocks it's his standard response) to all discussions about the family and his responsibilities.

It has just been yelled at me again when I asked whether he would do the night feed ( for the 2nd time since our 5 month old second son arrived.) He is working at home tomorrow ( usually stays in bed till 8.45 on working at home days) so didn't think it to be too big an ask. Background is that our beautiful son is a hungry ganet and I have regrettably just begun weaning onto formula- I have been up 3 times a night since June but have now managed to whittle it down to a single 4am formula only feed.

I also get this response when I raise other concerns, ie.

'Have you thought about reciprocating a break for me when you booked your stag/ drinks/ jolly outing.'

'could you do something more interactive with the boys rather than watching 14 episodes of peppa pig on the planner'

' do you think you could make me tea one night a week'

God... I could go on. This writing is therapy but makes me realise that I am seriously disenchanted with current situation.

Tips and clarity would be appreciated.

Does he have a day off during the week/weekend? If so, put your coat on and piss off out for the day and leave him to do what you do all day whilst he is out 'putting the shoes on your feet'. He will soon see that you do a lot more than watching Jezza K and Lorraine whilst scoffing biscuits as that's obviously what he thinks you do if he cannot stand the thought of doing a night feed or cooking tea for you.

My DH used to say this sort of crap when DD was a few months old and I was on autopilot for 20 hours of the day, and I did the above. The words "I have been in work all day!" have not come from his mouth since.

Tip= Read the riot act.

Clarity= Choose a partner that shows you some respect.

If your child is waking up in the night he is not getting enough food during the day.

My colleagues baby is four months old weaning for three weeks and sleeps from 8pm until 6 or 7am. Formula fed on the hungry baby formula.

With respect, that's bollocks fabby. Plenty of 5 month olds wake during hte night. Stuffing them with formula isn't the answer.

FabbyChic, every child is different. And every child goes through different waking phases: teething, illness, developmental milestones, etc. There is no one simple reason for nightwaking.

Anyway....
First what a tit ....
Yup scoot off out for the day and leave him to it....or book a spa break for the weekend as soon as you stop breastfeeding...

or trade him in for a more up to date model x

I am ok with the formula/ boob issue thanks ladies. Bf was not the 12 month success that it was with no. 1 son. No 2 is getting that hang of it and so are my tits.

Just the irresponsible dad to sort now

The 'riot act' always conjours up ideas of threats and aggressive tones, something that I am shamefully too adept at so was hoping for another approach?

Strike?
AS in all things for him... no dinner, no washing etc etc

Oh aye, love a good old strike I do. Tell him you're doing the bare minimum so that you aren't so tired as to have to ask him to lift a finger once home. He'll soon change his tone.

Fair enough. The riot act is out. Bottom line is he needs to start pulling his weight.

Create situations where he has no choice. Baby and him alone.

Ah... Good tip bangers. have tried the strike before but without the reasoning of 'self preservation'- surely their is no smart comeback to that one!

Charge for your services. Work out what he would have to pay for 3 full time childminders (8 hours each in a 24 hour period), a cleaner, a cook, a personal shopper, a laundry and ironing person, a secretary/pa, a chauffeur/taxi driver, etc. I think you will find that you are 'earning' your keep quite nicely thankyou.

Also, if you are married, what's his is yours anyway. Everything he owns, half of it is yours.

The bigger problem is that he doesn't respect you and can't communicate like an adult. You will have to be very assertive to expect him to change but it can be done.

If all else fails, I support the strike action. Just look after yourself and the dcs and leave him to fend for himself. But make sure you squirrel away some cash first so that you can buy food.

He is a bit of a contradiction as cash is never an issue. My spends are never queried and he has positively encouraged my mat money be for me only as well as serious 'treat' top ups. All other stuff he foots the bill without hesitation

But I guess what I want is some time from him and feeling that we are in this together rather than a 'man work, woman raises kids' situation. Some awareness and appreciation that days with babies can be long and exhausting and you have don't have lunch hours coffee breaks and commuting snoozes!

Shit, just re-read and not even making sense now. Better get some zzz's as I'm on the night feed. Grrrrrr annoying twat. Thanks girls.

He won't reciprocate breaks
He's only ever done one night feed and won't do another
He won't even make you a cup of tea

Clarity: he's a selfish twat

Tip: threats are empty and distasteful unless you're prepared to actually enforce them.

What are the positive things about him?

Is he perhaps secretly unhappy with the status quo and is using this unpleasant behaviour as a way of getting that across (rather than actually being an adult and telling you?)

How were things pre children when you both worked? If he just accepted that home stuff, cooking , housework etc were split equally, then i would say he's not happy with being sole earner. If he always used to be like this- why on earth did you get together with him?!

Clarity: The cash thing isn't a contradiction. He's using his paying for all the 'serious, manly' stuff as a way of wielding a sense of dominance probably. Attack that as well. Why is your mat money for more frivolous things than his manly wonga?

Tip: Be ill. Make him do it for a goodly stretch. Sit down after and discuss how hard it was for him.

Itemise all that you do and put a cash value on it - what it would cost to employ someone for the same number of hours.

a nanny - how much does a full time nanny cost? you'd need 2 or 3 actually, to provide 24/7 care!
ironing services, they charge by the kilo, don't they?
a cleaner is a tenner an hour
a chef ...

Break it down and present it to him and tell him that if he places no value on all that you do, because it is you doing it, then he can damn well employ someone to do it and give them the respect he does not give you.

also, write down his working week (hours worked) and yours. If it does not show that you are working considerably more hours than him, I will eat my hat.

I think that however it is worked, (both working full time outside the home, both p/t, one f/t and one p/t, one working outside the home and one working full time in the home...) it should work out that you are both putting what works out at generally the same hours.

He places no value on what you do. This is the problem. He brings in The Money and you are his servant. That is not a relationship of equals.

And it doesn't matter if you are both bringing in the money, or only one of you is while the other puts in the same time at home, or however it's worked. A relationship of equals is about attitude. Placing the same value on ALL the things that must be done within a family for it to run.

If things were different before you had kids, I would hazard a guess that he doesn't want to be sole earner. Of course, he should initiate proper discussion about this and negotiate how you can both earn and both contribute in the home, rather than act in this controlling way. But I would imagine underneath he's not happy.

If pre Children when you both worked, he still expected you to do all the housework, then what the hell are you doing with the guy?

If things have changed post-child re: his contribution to household tasks, perhaps it is indeed that he isn't happy being sole earner, callmemrs

Or perhaps it is that he unconsciously believes that a woman at home with child should revert to 1950s stereotypes. He wouldn't be the first.

Hmm, I agree with other posters that you need to give him a kick up the arse, but I would also like to know if the examples you give are the way you normally speak to him.

They seem very passive (sometimes bordering on passive-aggressive).

"Have you thought about reciprocating a break for me when you booked your stag/drinks/jolly outing"

reads to me as "you are going out having fun and I am stuck here at home, and you don't even care enough about me to let me go out"

when you could say, "Oh, that is nice that you are going out with XX, I just phoned YY to see if she can manage a night out next week. What night is best for you to be home in time to put the kids to bed?"

I think you are being too British wouldyoucouldyou and also being the passive partner "asking" for things all the time.

Some really interesting comments. Some more info to throw into the mix as asked.

Pre kids we did minimal housework and ate out most of the time, but if pressed then yes, I did the lions share then too.

That said his shirts have always gone to dry cleaners and I never iron any of his stuff. Since 8 months preggas with no 2 we employed a cleaner who stays on top of most housework. Leaving me with laundry, cooking, tidying, dishwasher etc etc.

When I worked I was the highest earner and have made huge financial contributions to our home and livelihood. He landed a much better paid job shortly after I went on 1st mat, this covered my money and then some.

He does make a cup a tea for me often.

The comments about my tone really hit home. I am aggressive and not very passive about it! I struggle to pussy foot around the issue and usually go straight for the jugular which I know doesn't help with the defensive response.

Keep 'em coming please

Is it hard for you to be the "little woman" since you had a high powered job before you had the DC? Is there a bit of resentment there?

There has been a shift in power, I think, since you stopped working and you have to both work on dealing with that.